Jacob is 18

 When I saw a positive pregnancy test in June of 2004 it was almost like stepping in line for the roller coaster that could potentially bring some fear. The roller coaster that can also cause excitement and thrills that make your heart feel like it could burst.

Waiting in that line. Wondering what it would actually be like. 

Cautiously stepping into that small car. 

Having that feeling of finality as the seat belt is buckled and pulled tight. 

Well. There's no getting back in line now. 

Heart starts to beat faster. Not sure

But then it's fine. It's kind of fun. A slow start. Maybe a little jerky. The car seems small and confined. But its fine. 

Then a large hill comes into your vision. 

Hmm. Big hill. Cool.

But wait. That hill is connected to the the track you're on. 

The track this small car that you're buckled into has to travel on. 

Wait. Wait. 

I can't do that hill. That's scary. I wasn't told about hills that go straight up like that! I thought they would be smooth and just slightly elevated. 

But somehow you make it through and on the other side it's flat and kind of fun and chill again. 

Until the next hill pops up. 

Parenting Jacob, in a slightly ill fitting analogy. And for the record, I have enjoyed it more than I enjoy roller coasters. ;)

The point is that here we are at 18. "The end" of some parts of parenting. Only the beginning of so many aspects as well. It's been a ride. Each "hill" has shown me to respect this thing called being a mom more and more and to rely on God for each decision. 

For each heart to heart talk, 

each moment I thought my heart could not be more full, 

each disappointment, 

each second of sincere love and pride in who God is making you to be. 

I didn't know it would be like this. Pouring into the baby and little boy you were. Sometimes being so depleted of sleep and energy to try to be everything you needed, but always being recharged when those sparkly blue eyes looked up. Those eyes - so full of life and adventure and mischief. I didn't know it would feel like a piece of myself was growing along side of me and that as I watched you experience life's hurts and hills and valleys, I would too. 

I realized fairly early on that everything about parenting you would be different than my first experience with motherhood. The milestones you hit were thrilling and the strong will you demonstrated was exhausting. But always always, watching you, loving you, parenting you - has been one of the hugest honors of my life. 

On this roller coaster, there have been far more fun rides around smooth curves and enjoyable little hills than straight up climbs that lead to terrifying, heart stopping downhill drops. But they've been there too.  Mainly those downhill drops have been the thoughts that can invade my mind whispering ideas of failing you or causing pain. Of all the elements in my life - it's this one; the leading, guiding, loving, that I most want to get right. 

And I smile as I see the parts where I did. You know you're loved. You know that no matter what, you are welcomed, embraced, prayed for, supported. 

As hard as it is to believe, and come to terms with the fact, that you are 18 - I do believe it. Because I see a young man where a boy once stood. While you still exhibit some impulsiveness, which is reminiscent of that sparkly blue eyed little boy, I see how God has used life experiences to temper that and add wisdom. You are learning. You are growing. I am proud of you.

Here's to the next step, the next year, the next thing. In the next few months we will watch you finish school, graduate, continue to work, possibly move into a dorm, and start college. 

It is a joy, an honor, and something I will never take for granted to be able to parent you. Thank you for bringing so much joy and helping me to expand my life and heart. 

Love, 

Mom 

13

 Dear Malachi,

With the milestone of you, our baby, becoming a teenager - we now go into a little over 2 months of having four teenagers in the house. I love it. I love the stage of you being a teenager and becoming more and more of who God made you to be. I will still always remind you to stop trying to rush your childhood. Maybe some of that is selfish and I just want to hold on to the little bit of child I have left. 

I do recognize that you have grown and matured so much this year. Physically (taller than me now...), Spiritually, and emotioanlly. I am so proud of you.

I am proud of the new things you have tried. 

I am proud of the big thoughts you have entertained and the adventures you have not backed down from. 

You are brave and bold and independent. All things that I definitely lacked at 12 and 13, so I find alot of joy in watching you thrive in them. 

I pray that this year is a beautiful journey in continuing to learn to choose love and choose hard and embrace life with pure joy. 

I hope you get at least one monster buck.

I hope your friend support only grows and you are surrounded by positivity and spiritual input. 

I hope you figure out how to wake up quicker in the mornings. ;)

I hope your beginning experience with raising goats is everything you hope it will be. 

I look forward to watching you learn more behind the scenes technical skills, and use them to the glory of God.

I hope you can see how God has uniquely gifted you so very much. You are gifted in jumping in and helping out in almost any situation. Your work ethic is admirable. I know school is not your very favorite, but the way you have sailed through the first quarter of 7th grade shows that you are learning well. 

I know God is doing a work in your life. I know sometimes it's uncomfortable. Hang in there and let Him work. Just listen and open yourself to Him. 

No matter what, I will be watching and cheering and loving. Probably borderline annoyingly. You are a gift to our family. 

Happy 13 Malachi, Mali, Mal, Mallard. 

Love, Mom

Jacob 's 17th

 Dear Jay,

My vision for the annual blogged birthday letters has been to type them each year and then on your 18th birthday to print them and bind them together into a book to gift you. 

I guess this means I have one more. 

There will be alot of "one more's" this year. I'm starting to settle that in my heart. It's such a bittersweet time. Remembering that bright eyed little boy who you were, to now watching those tentative first few attempts at using your wings. 

My promise to you as you turn 17 is that I will not clip those wings. God has created you as a wonderful human, in His very image, and He will guide you as you learn to fly. 

But know this (and I believe you do) - if those still-developing wings fly you to a place that brings regret or hurt, and bring you to places you wished you'd never gone, I will be there. The more you grow, I grow. The more you learn, I learn. I'm learning that tight rope balance of giving space and reeling in. Of letting you decide and of gently guiding. 

I read books about parenting, especially parenting boys, in the early years of your life. Some things were vaguely helpful - some things laughable. A book could never have prepared me for roughly 85% of what I've learned through simply going through life with you. Seventeen years of growing along side of you. 

You have delighted us, disappointed us, surprised us, and made us proud. You have shown us so many things about God's deep unchanging love. 

I respect who you are now and who you are becoming. Maybe I view things through a very mom tinted lens, but the potential I see in you has no limits. I think I actually see you through a God tinted lens. And what He says about you far outshines any over-the-top mom thoughts I could have. Even beyond the talents you have, what I love to see is the joy you find in them. Whether it's fishing, tennis, golf, music, forging, or the many other things you dive into, it's just fun to watch you enjoy them! Music especially stands out to me. I hope this is always a big part of your life. I see the calming effect is has on you and the connection to God it gives you. From a very young age you have been able to hear things musically and express them beautifully. 

So here we are. Nearing the end of your junior year. Alot of life lessons learned this year. Some aren't the ones I would've necessarily picked for you - but mom's not in charge. God is (thank goodness). He see you, He knows you, He defends you, He sings over you, He had purposes for your life before you were born that are so much bigger than anything I could dream up. I'm realizing more and more that I am but a small part of your big story. God knew a part of His unfolding plan was you. It's a privilege that He chose me to help bring you life. It's hard for a mom to transition from being life source and the one keeping you safe, to the one praying as God leads you and directs you. We're in the midst of this. Sometimes I fail and overstep. Sometimes I shrink and don't say enough. But through it all I love you fiercely. We'll keep learning and growing together. I'm praying for you always.

Happy happy birthday. I can't wait to get a front row seat of your continuing life story. I'll always be the one cheering the loudest. And probably crying, because it's me.... 

~Mom 

Noah is 15

 Dear Noah.

I have written many birthday letters over the years and I have listed the things you have done and enjoyed and excelled at. 

I have written about potential I have seen in you and my hopes and dreams based on that.

I feel like this year I have gotten to know you on a deeper level. Some challenges were involved with that, for both of us. But it has been very worth it to learn and grow with you.

Today, on your fifteenth birthday, I am here to say I absolutely love you. 

I love who you are right now. 

Not a version of you from the past. 

Not my own spin on who I think you are, 

or hope you are, 

or want you to be. 

I'm learning more about what love is and how to do that better. 

I loved going to the NF concert with you and walks with you and hearing about your new interests in working out and football. I like our shared interests in watching marvel shows, superman and Lois, and of course recently - everything Spiderman.  It's fun to sit and talk about them afterwards and analyze all the plot twists. 

You are a joy to parent. You are a joy to have around. I know you don't feel that alot of the time. I'll just keep telling you. 

I thank God for you and I pray for your future. I know that God has a unique design for your life. It's privilege watching you step into that.

Happy 15, son!

Love, Mom

Jacob is 16

Dear Jay,

Sixteen came a bit sooner than I was prepared for, but that is just a mom thing and we moms always do eventaully process through and deal with it. It used to be that I would look at you and all I could see was a memory of my heart like this

 

Or this...

 

But, I am finally getting with it and seeing reality for what it is. 

You have matured greatly in the last year and you truly are one of my favorite humans.  I look forward to our conversations about politics, music, girls (girl, currently), Life, God, the shows we like, etc.   I know you often see yourself in comparison to your brother Noe and somehow you feel you come out lacking. You are not lacking. 

Although I still laugh at your jokes and constant labeling that he's the smart one and you're the cool one. ;) Silly boys.

I pray we love you all well and that you can truly see your unique and individual worth. 

You do have great style, ;) a fabulous sense of humor, and admirable sense of wanting things right in this world. Your innate musical talents are a beautiful thing to hear and watching you grow in this area is a joy! 

I'm watching qualities emerge from you that I have not seen much of before this year.  Lots of good things. Your leadership qualities have always been there, but I think there were times you were resistant to them. Like, they have been dormant within you, waiting for their turn to shine in your personality.  I have a few theories, not the least of which has to do with the fact that you were not born an oldest. You were born a little brother. I think you had to choose. Choose to step out of your birth order and into the role God has for you. And I see some good choosing. It is in my prayers often that you embrace fully the leader that God wants you to be and you see the eyes watching you. Responsibility is much, but I know you have it in you to do this well. 

 I am proud of the driver you are becoming (Now that I am finally getting used to the fact that you are a driver). I took note when one of your first interstate experiences was not the best - but the next time you were driving with me you chose to get right back on the freeway instead of taking back roads. It made me happy because I know that I tend to shrink from challenges or potentially difficult situations. And I want better for my kids. I want better for myself and have fought hard to step up and be a good example in that. 

 I know I fail often. I know that so much of the good I see in you Jay, is God, and all God.

In spite of me - God has you and is molding you and working on your heart. Getting a front row seat to this and being your mama is a huge privlege. Thank you for your patience in this process. For not rolling your eyes too bad at my emotions and sometimes cheesiness. ;) 

 You are navigating all of this new in your life well. Some days not so well, but mostly well. It's been a strange school year. Again. I see the struggle But I see you hanging in and continuing to grow. We are proud of you. Very very proud and happy with you. I'm looking forward to another year - watching you continue to be you and strive for all God has for you. Happy happy 16!

 

Also, thanks for always letting me photograph you. ;) 

Love,  Mom

Caleb is 18

Mr. Caleb

Our "Peter Pan".  

 In some ways he'll never grow up.  And there's so much good and so much hard mixed in to that statement.  I'll never limit him, but I'll also never lie about who he is and what life is here on a broken earth. 

He is such a gift to us.  He always will be. And the journey of really embracing that is one that stretches us and fills us. 

We are making decisions with his safety and future in mind currently and I pray that each parental decision is one that has his best interest at heart and shows our love. Oh I pray this  - on the daily.  So many decisions and hoops and phone calls. 

We have big love for our buddy.  And so much we are still just learning and trying to figure out.  I know some days he gets the brunt of the unknowns and the frustrations and the distance between expectation and reality.  I'm so thankful he is patient with us. 

Caleb's intuition is the sweetest.  Bringing me my water "You need this mom". Bringing me my blanket when I have a minute to rest on the couch "want your soft blanket mom?". Pulling me super close and holding on tight for long hugs. He has always sensed when my emotions are off, even when I try to pretend everything is fine.  He just knows. 

And he knows he is an adult, by our cultures standards. We strive to give him the dignity of acknowledging that; nurturing his independence, while still protecting him. My eyes get all misty just thinking of this delicate balance now. He is so important. So worthy of love and respect. Made in the image of God and for a purpose! I pray he always feels these truths.

Sometimes I hear people talk of "My kid is so grown, I didn't give them permission for that! I wish they'd stay little forever." 

- I mean, I've even made these comments from time to time! 

But then there's this little part of me that thinks - "But you really don't want them to stay little forever". 

Because this is the rhythm of life. They hit milestones and they become more and more independent. Slowly they need us less and less, and eventually they are on their own.  

Now that I am within a different parental reality, where this isn't the case, my perspective is different.  

Our Caleb boy will need us for all of his life. There's something very affirming and motivating about being needed in this way. To think that God hand picked Dave and I to have this ministry - it's a big deal! But I would be lying if I said there was no grieving in it too.  Every milestone brings a fresh beauty and a fresh grief.  It just does.

We have to decide if we will love fully who he is, or try to put our square peg into a round hole. 

So we let him pick out his special things for his birthday.  -The toy train and the baby Einstein puppet.  Things he truly loves. We will let him shine and not put the weight of the world on him.  He is too precious for that. 

I had the privilege this year of schooling him at home. It's something I've never done because to reach his full potential, I always wanted him surrounded by special ed teachers, therapists, and those who are educated in teaching him. And to be honest? - I didn't think I could do it.  I thought with his processing and learning, it was beyond what I could do. 

So, when I did it, I felt the greatest satisfaction.  To be fair - the most amazing teachers and school personnel have given him an amazing foundation and gave me all the tools to teach him. But what a gift to be able to see him learn and see how quick he was in mental math and reading and proofreading things. It was a sweet time.  Not devoid of frustration, especially in the beginning when I had no clue how to navigate the electronic learning platforms, but we made it to a really comfortable place of learning together! 

There was again a real joy and grief in this.  Seeing how smart and quick he is, when he actually puts his mind to it, is thrilling. 

 It really is.  

And then there is also the reality for me to see "second grade" and "third grade" notated on some of that work. 

He follows his own growth curve and it has always moved forward.  But I am not immune to those "cultural norms" and expectations that want to sneak in and steal some of that joy.  The joy of my 11th grader who is unique and beautiful and will never fit in to a box of normal.  {Also, none of my children will}

So it is in vulnerability and truth, with a heart overflowing with love, that I submit this birthday post.  In a little bit of a different tone and format than my usual birthday letters. 

Processing my oldest turning 18.  What a ride it's been. I asked God - begged him really, for a year. 

We got 18  - and move towards many more. 

Thank you Jesus. 

Noah turns 14

 I'll never forget the peaceful feeling of December, 2006.  The year you came to us. So calm and comforting. 

Finally, by the time you were born, I had begun to learn a really important lesson.  I started to care less about any "how to" books, or well meaning advice given. I turned a blind eye to some of the mess and chaos around me and I held you for hours. 

I remember during some of those times of sitting there cuddling my brand new Christmas baby - trying to think of what it would be like to be your mom when you no longer fit in the crook of my arm.

Well dear Noah, fast forward 14 years and I look up to you 8 inches.  Yes, eight inches.  

But son,  I look up to you in more ways than stature.  I'm humbled to be parenting such a thoughtful and kind young man. I respect who you are becoming very much. 

Of course you have not "arrived",  as none of have. But you know that - and that is part of what I love about you. You know there is always work to do.  

This year has been a challenge and again, we are so proud of you for doing excellent work in school under less than ideal conditions. The way you have continued getting up before 6 am to get started with your work load, even doing it at home, was impressive. Grades are not the highest thing on our priority list, but the fact that we have never had to worry about this with you is a blessing. We see you, we see the effort, we see the result. 

It's neat to observe the choices you are making and friends you connect with.  One day a few weeks ago, when you had some friends over to play your new Zelda game, I couldn't help but observe their interactions with Caleb.  I always wonder with you and your brothers, how Caleb may affect your life. You've always been kind to him, and for that I am so grateful.  But I know it hasn't always been easy.  I know you've had to make sacrifices. On this particular day Caleb had just woken up and went to you and your friends in the porch.  Because of his vision issues he had to get really close to everyone to see who they were. Some were new friends and didn't necessarily know Caleb. I think I held my breath for a minute to see how you would respond.  A thirteen year old boy with a seventeen year old brother with special needs -  there are lots of ways you could handle this.  But you just matter of factly took it in stride and told him who each person was.  And they smiled, let him get up in their faces, and were so kind.  I'm very impressed with this group of guys. Thanks for choosing well. 

I have no doubt you will continue to over achieve and do quite well with the things you reach for. I am a little embarrassed that I can't help you with math at all any more.  And I'm glad you spent the time to teach me binary and base 8 and base 10 and stuff. Sorry if sometimes my eyes glaze over when we talk. ;) I love you dearly.  I am so happy you are in our family. 

I know that your relationship with your little brother has been tough at times too. That's why it has meant so much to me that you have been willing to help him with his school work while we have been virtual. He started going to you more and more this year because you are a great teacher! I know it often wasn't your first choice, but again - I saw you take a deep breath and choose well.  I was so impressed with how well you taught him math concepts.  I was impressed that in the midst of his frustrations, and sometimes fit throwing over it, I could not get through to him and calm him. but you could.  And you did. I am grateful for the love of our family, even in our imperfections. 

Keep being you.  I know you will. You are confident and do not wish to conform for anyone.  I pray you will continue seeking God with your whole heart. 

Love you,

Mom

Malachi turns 11

 Dear Malachi,

As I sit down to my computer to dust off these keys and add another birthday post I have just had a particularly rough morning with you.  Which I think is going to be good as I process documenting life with you. It stretches and challenges me, and my love for you stands strong. 

You have just turned 11.  Our baby boy is eleven.  Quite an amazing thing.  This will be a big year for you, I know it.  Having now been through 11 for three boys before you, I know a lot of maturity takes place this year.  While you all are very much your own person, growing and maturing on your own individual timelines, I still know this will be a big year. 

You bless our family with laughs and constant activity.  With hard work and big ideas.  You love people and always want to be with people.  You want to invite our neighbors over and have parties every weekend. ;) That may stretch your introvert mama, but yes - let's do it. I'm so glad for the ways you pull me out of my comfort into new things that help me grow. YOU, for sure, help me grow. 

That seems to be the theme of this year - taking us out of comfort and helping us grow.  I know that has meant changes in your life.  I know it hasn't been easy and may not be easy for some time.  But I guess as I love you and nurture you this is something I desire for you. Not a life of ease.  A life of trusting (which you are learning big time!).  A life of risking a lot for truth and goodness and Jesus.  I can learn right along side of you, son. 

I love your fascination with farming and the time you spend on your computer playing Farming simulator - taking care of all of your fields etc. It's so fun to see your talents, passions, and abilities really emerge! 

You are a special boy.  You are full of facts and jokes and a good portion of downright crazy. ;) 

You are so loved.  I know you hear an awful lot of instruction/correction/ discipline right now.  I pray you hear the love through it.  God gifted us with you and we treasure His gifts. 

Love always, 

Mom

Jacob turns 15

Dear Jacob,

Today you are 15 and I'm going to try to articulate this years birthday letter in a simple and concise way, even though my heart and mind would love to go crazy on all the feels. Here's the deal,  You know I am emotional and over the top and I know you aren't. ;) So, I will respect you. Because today is about you. (And maybe just a little, about me.) 

First of all, simply put - I like you.  I like who you are becoming and am in awe of how much you've grown in the last year.  

I'm also proud of you.  Proud of the self motivation that we are seeing this year.  Much improved and so good.  Thanks for putting the work in.  I see the maturity! I see the choices. 

I'm so glad that your high school experience is proving to be far superior to your middle school years. RIP middle school. 

I know lately there have been a lot of those "mom, you're random"  and "mom, why are you so weird" moments.  It's ok.  it's all pretty true too.  Here's the deal.  I don't think I'm overly delusional, but sometimes when I look at you I see this

Instead of this

But in my heart I know the truth.  You are unmistakably no longer our little Jay.  I want to give you that recognition.  I hope you see I really am trying to let you lead some of your own decisions - forge your own path.  Hopefully it will get easier for me to let go and not be over protective. 

I do trust God with you.  He has created you with many purposes and I can't wait to see a lot of that unfold! I love seeing your talents and personality really come out. Your fascination and knowledge of vehicles and mechanics.  How things work.  Your desire to learn more.  

A lot of the weird mom moments didn't just pop up in recent history, but started before you were even born.  After Joshua died I desperately wanted to have another baby.  Head knowledge said that I was over the top busy with caring for a very young Caleb and his many special needs.  Heart knowledge didn't care.  I wanted you, prayed for you, and then found out you were on your way to our arms.  Then, silly human nature, was immediately scared.  I knew pre-term labor was not just a thing of my past.  I spent weeks, months, in fear that I would not get to keep you. 

But we did. We got to keep you. Our precious third boy.  You came to us with a strong will and very fully functioning lungs. 

Nothing was like I thought it would be and you continue to show me that you are your own person.  You are not me, you are not my idea of who you should or would be, you are not your brothers, you are not your dad.  You are unique, with unique ideas and beliefs.  I pray that each year you will feel our love and approval and that you will grow in each of those things! 

Please know I do not intend to ever expect you to be anything except Jacob.  It has taken me a while to learn this.  This acceptance and lack of my own expectations.  Just a knowing that you were made in the image of God - for His purposes, not mine.  Still working on all of this. ;) 

The balance of 15 is knowing you still need guidance and boundaries, as well as the knowing that you need space and some independence.  

Thank you for listening to us.  All the talks about dating, driving, school, friendships, working, your future, decisions. I know you don't always want to hear it, but you have been gracious about pausing and truly listening.  Even asking for advice.  Let's keep that up.  I want you to always come to us and know there's not judgement here. There's wisdom, advice, strong feelings, maybe a "no" here and there, but there's always love, so much love behind it all. 

Part of the interesting thing for all of us at this stage of your life is that you are not our first born. A third born should not have to be the one that parents are, in a sense, "learning on". But I can't change that.  I can't change how your birth order just doesn't line up with our family dynamics.  And I pray that God will continue to give us grace as we cover uncharted territory with our third born in a first born position.  It's all new and we are taking steps with you, going down paths that we haven't yet had to with any of our other boys.  

You are valued, you are so important to us, and you are one of a kind.  I am blessed to be your mom.  Thanks for letting me in to your Star-Wars, Stranger Things, gaming, go-cart, music loving, moments.  I know in the next few years others will rise in importance and my role will change a bit.  I know you'll never need me the same way you used to.  And I am just so thankful for the privilege to be the one you will always call mom. 

Thanks for your patience in the journey. 

Mom

Caleb turns 17!

Dear Caleb,

Wow buddy - Seventeen!!

I learn things from you regularly.  Despite processing delays and learning delays and all the words the medical community could throw our way - which essentially could mean "less than",  you are "more than".

More than the ordinary human who chases fame or image or the best possessions.

You are simple and honest.   Honestly, unappologetically, you. You are interested in what you are interested in and don't care if anyone looks down on that.  Veggie tales and Little Einstein's for life. ;)

I have tried, as these years seem to go by faster and faster,  to just savor *you*.  Who you are, not who we can make you through therapy, and medical intervention, and medication, and talking you out of being you.  It's such a trap.  And such an easy one to fall into as a mama.  - Being embarrassed by your behavior or apologizing for you, in the absence of your desire to apologize for yourself.  - Which I just noted as a strength of yours.  Yes, this mama has a lot to learn.  While there is value in continuing to nurture and teach you through acceptable social skills and independence, I know God gave us *You* for a reason, and learning to embrace all that he has for us in that plan is still a process we are journeying through.

So, thank you.  For all you are teaching me.  For taking me out of the ordinary to see the treasure inside of something that is falsely wrapped in disappointment.  Thank you for slowing me down and anchoring me in the here and now, while simultaneously lifting me to the eternal and heavenly.

I am not even going to give time to writing here about questions, future, anxiety, adulthood, and change.  Because today you are 17, childlike, happy, and fairly uncomplicated.  We're going to live in the moment here, even as we slowly educate ourselves on the next step in front of us.

Sometimes I just so badly want you to see my logic.  My brain.  My processing.  I repeat myself so often and just can't make you see it.  You do not filter the world the way I do.  You do not see logic.  So we do an awkward little dance of me trying to get into your world and gently pulling you, where I can, into mine as much as is possible.  It's pretty routine now.  The compromise.  The praying.  Sometimes the walking away because this is like a language barrier, and the frustration level is not worth the fight.

I just want to love you.

Oh how I love you.  I have never seen so clearly my purpose and God's intervention and guidance as when I look in your eyes and see your place in my life.

As I reflect on your life, I can think of at least 3 distinctive times that God has used you to give me hope.  Hope that had nearly faded and I was desperate to find again.  While there may have been times that you have seemed to have been the cause of my hopeless feelings, I will never forgot the times that simply the thought of you has given me just the hope I needed. And in the moment I needed it the most.  Because the privilege hidden in the facade of frustration here is that you need me.  More than most mamas are needed, I have the biggest purpose.  When my life feels like it's crashing around me - there's you.

I have to be anchored, and strong, and soft, and nurturing,
and kick the discouragement, or desperation, or disappointment to the curb.  Because there is your smiling face and silly breathless laugh.  God gave you to me - sometimes to give me a desire to continue on.  It's one of his jobs for me. You need me. I need you.

Why me? I have asked it in frustration and I have asked it in complete and utter awe.

Of all of the amazing, qualified, strong, beautiful individuals He created - why were you born early, into my arms?

Because this is his plan, his shaping, his love - pouring through you - all around us. Like light pouring in and through and around our family.  If I don't see it and appreciate it and respond with the greatest of gratitude always, and I surely do NOT, please forgive me buddy.  My mind gets clouded by the world I live in, but in my better moments I see you for the life changing gift you are.

Love always,

Mama