The dress

I came across this dress in my closet the other day.  It was actually packed away in a bin and shoved behind all of my current dresses.

But oh my - the memories this dress brought up in my mind!

This was my "honeymoon dress"

16 Marches ago my sister and I went shopping for my Florida wardrobe.  I couldn't wait.  It seemed like a dream.

One big, beautiful, surreal dream coming true. 

I had just turned 20 and there I was,  laughing with my sister and carefully choosing through aisles of dresses for my honeymoon dress.  Of course I would bring a few dresses - and lots of beach clothes, but I wanted one very special dress.

This one was it.

I bought it and carefully folded it, packing it away in my suitcase.

Dave and I had this crazy, whirlwind, long distance relationship.  Since we lived 500 miles apart and only knew each other for about 8 months before we got married {all the gasps} we really hadn't had that many dates.  I knew this dress would be worn for a very special date.

You guys know my story of ups and downs.  I have never wanted to be fake in what I share.  It's been a hard 15 years in many aspects.  But you know what?  When I pulled this dress out I couldn't stop the grin.  Because I wouldn't change this.

I wouldn't change that innocent girl who had only been on about a dozen dates with the man who she was about to marry.  I wouldn't change our crazy story.  It's almost unthinkable to me, in retrospect, what we actually did.  -And that my parents let us! ;)  But God was writing our story even back then.  No part of it is insignificant.

We knew that we wanted to be married and have a life long commitment before we had a physical relationship; before we settled down.  And we wanted a physical relationship and to settle down. ;) We both held very traditional values and desired to have a home and family.  So we got married after a few months. We knew our commitment to God and to each other was for life no.matter.what.

So all of the betters and worses that came at us, this young couple who had so much to learn about one another, in all directions? - They would hit us hard, but they could not knock us down. 

I love us.  I love our story.  I love our great big God and how magnified He has become in our struggles and weaknesses.  We have a good thing.  A really, really good thing.

This is me in that dress, on that honeymoon, with that guy, who had hair. ;)

It was just as I had imagined.  We were married, and could finally spend all of our days together instead of our limited monthly long distance travel to see one another for a weekend.

It had rained that day but a beautiful sunny Florida warmth still permeated everything.  Our waitress sat us outside on a patio surrounded by twinkly lights.  I remember it was nearly dusk, so those white lights glowed in a really beautiful way.

And life was good.

I'm so glad I still have the dress.  Because pulling it out and having the rush of memories fills my heart.  I feel like right now we are literally on a tread mill of life - just keep running, running, running....
And I need these reminders of all the amazing things God has done in our lives.

You know what?  I may just put this dress on this Thursday.  Fifteen years you guys! Wow.  So hard to believe.  If it's not snowing, I am totally wearing this dress when we celebrate our anniversary.  No Florida this year - just good ol' Jackson, MI.  :) Jackson, MI with the man I love and a story I wouldn't trade for all of the happily ever afters in the world.

Seven years later..

{Tuesday} I rolled out of bed and acknowledged the band around my heart. It wasn't the raw tightness like years past, just a slightly breathless feeling. I knew it would be there. I saw my sweet baby next to my bed, resting so peacefully. I cried. Pure joy overflowed from my eyes as I focused on the simple act of his chest rhythmically moving up and down. Up and down. Over and over I watched. "Oh God, for every breath he takes I thank you. SO much. Thank you God, thank you God." In the stillness of the morning I just sat on the edge of my bed letting the emotions, the good and the bad wash over me. I went into the next room and woke up K. I pulled him on to my lap and just held him. He was groggy, and a little grumpy, and cute. I looked in his eyes and wondered if he felt anything for the sweet one who was identical to him. Did he know what this day was? He smiled - that huge crooked one - and asked me what I was doing. I just told him I loved him and corralled he and the other boys down the stairs. K would be late for school if I let sentimentality win the moment. It was the normal breakfast and meds, lunch made, notes to teachers written, clothes on, feeding Kai, helping K to the bus. Just like any other day, but so not. On the way to preschool I cried. Not the ugly cry. Not sobs. Just a wet face as I drove the familiar route. Of course "Some times he calms the Storm" would come on the radio. Of course. We had a video montage with that song playing at the memorial service. "Hello God, yep - you remember too, huh? Give him a hug for me..." When Dave got home it was the two of us in an embrace that remembered. Remembered the sweet, the tough, the impossible. His mom came over and she got to be grandma while we got some quiet. Dinner, talking, peacefulness, remembering. Dinner in the same town that he was born in. The same town where we had to hear the agonizing report from the doctors. The same town he died in. Driving there in the snow, in the cold, with the same sights and feelings along the way Dave remembered things I didn't. I remembered things he had forgotten. We held hands. We talked about it. We ate. We laughed. Baby Kai cuddled close to me. On the way home Dave made the observation that in 5 months we would reach the milestone of 10 years since our first date. Ten years. I laughed and said it had been a really, really good ten years except.... ...And I proceeded to list off all of the difficult things that we had been through. And he said "Except for all of the things that have made us who we are today, huh?" And I reconsidered. A good ten years indeed. And a good seven years. No "excepts".

O Baby!

Rachel, who writes about she and her husband's much anticipated upcoming adoption on her blog "In His Hands Our Adoption Journey", invited other bloggers to join her in posting their baby pictures today. My linking is not working today (will.not.throw.out.window) So, I'll do it the old fashioned way. Visit Rachel's baby picture blog post here http://inhishands-ouradoptionjourney.blogspot.com/2009/04/o-baby.html

I've mentioned Rachel before in a post I wrote about the big giveaway she was hosting to raise money for their adoption. Incidentally, I won the prize package #2 and will be posting more about that in the near future. It was amazing!

Rachel and Josh excitedly await their baby from South Korea. The waiting is not easy, and as she waits, Rachel wants to surround herself with baby pictures. :)

Here is my walk down memory lane... (This was fun!!)

My very first Easter. I was around 2 months old. And apparently not too happy about it. My mom is holding me and my two grandmothers are with us. I think I was probably around a year old in this one...

This picture had some wrinkles and was not kept up the best, so it didn't make for the greatest scan - but here I am at age 4. :)

And six. Yes, my hair was so long I could sit on it.

And high school graduation.

Such fun going through old pictures and all of the memories they hold!

Okay, ready for some super cuteness?? I found these of Dave:

Oh my!! I think he might have been 2 here? Not sure, maybe Mom Mc can help me with his ages.

Check out the chubby cheeks!! I just want to squish them and kiss them. :)

Maybe 4? So, so cute. And some pretty familiar looks...

What would I say to that unsuspecting girl?

This week brings one of my favorite days; my birthday. On Wednesday I will be 28. It may seem a little bit elementary of me but my birthday still brings giddy excited feelings. When I was growing up we always made a big deal over our birthdays. To this day I still look forward to the fun milestone which marks the date of my entrance into this world. As I was contemplating growing older, and all that has occurred in the past few years, I decided to delve into the creative writing exercise that I have seen on several blogs lately. I know that we can't go back in time. We can't stop ourselves form making mistakes, or talk our past selves into making different choices. But by going through this thought process we can most certainly shape our future in a more positive way. The thoughts that this post led me to were so helpful in my perspectives. I really did it for me. Feel free to read it, but know that this post, more than any other one that I have written, was for my growth. Letter to my 20 year old self – covering February 2001 through the present

So, you are going to be getting married in a month. You are over the moon excited – and well you should be. Fine catch you got. He will continue to be as caring and romantic as he is this very day. You were right about that. He is however, NOT perfect. Oops – yeah, that assertion is going to get you in a heap of trouble dear little one.

Go easy on that new husband of yours. He thinks he knows you, but he is in for a lot of surprises. Let him learn you. Let him love you. Yes, he will make mistakes, but if you could just choose to open yourself up to him completely and be vulnerable with him you would be saving the both of you a lot of time and energy on trying to figure that one out years later. He is a good, good man. Remember that. Girl, your life has changed a lot in the past year. Going from a single 19 year old who was not even dating, to an almost married 20 year old, preparing to leave the state, your friends, and family behind, learning new things every day – it’s a lot to take in huh? So, ummm, I kinda hate to tell you this, but hang on. TIGHT. It’s about to get a whole lot crazier. You are going to want to get pregnant right away. Really bad. Learn patience. The eighteen months it takes you to conceive are going to be amazing and wonderful. Do not let that time pass in a “just getting by till I can have a baby” mode. Do not do that. Besides how fun is this??! You will think some thing is wrong with you when you don’t get pregnant right away. It’s not. God is preparing some thing really big for you when you become a mother. You aren’t ready. Don’t push, because you wouldn’t want to go where he is planning to take you yet. It’s big. It’s scary. It’s going to take every thing you have to get through it. You will become a mother. In the middle of your vacation in the smoky mountains you will have a giddy meltdown over seeing two pink lines on a small piece of plastic. And yes, it will be true. Each of the other tests you take will confirm that. You may as well not waste the money on those. The next few years will have moments that feel like life is tearing your heart out, chewing you up, and spitting you out. It will test your faith in new and unusual ways. You are going to question every thing you have thought to be true. Write this on a big piece of paper and stick it some where that you will see always (maybe the fridge, cause y’know we love to snack) “God is good – all the time”. When you go in to labor too early – way too early- and the questions begin to rumble around in your head, stop dwelling on what you don’t know. Let the statement that God is good, written in your handwriting, wash over you, speak to you, and infuse the truth upon your heart. When your twin boys are born do not resist the all consuming love that immediately overwhelms you with its intensity because you are afraid. Submit to it. Avoiding it is incredibly futile anyway. Don’t waste your emotions on that silly endeavor. They are going to be adorable. Just as you dreamed. Hold your first born as much as you can. Remember you are his mother. Advocate for your right to hold your son. Breathe him in. Memorize every detail. He’s not going to stay. You need to know that eventually you will be able to breathe with out that gaspy heavy feeling. You will laugh again. You won’t believe this in the midst of your season of unbearable grief, but some day you will enjoy life with more enthusiasm than ever before. I know that seems impossible. I know. You can do the NICU thing, don’t think you can’t. You are going to make it. So is K. Trust God more. Worry less. K is going to amaze every one who has ever laid eyes on him. Some day he is going to watch Baby Einstein DVD’s in French. He’s going to throw fits and talk your ear off. Yes, he’s going to be okay. More than okay. Do not let that constant fear of losing him control you. Let people help you. Stop with the “I’m fine, I can do this” facade. Most people can see right through it any way. You are going to need help. Sometimes it is going to seem rather strange as you observe other people your age, single and in college, seeming to have such a carefree lifestyle as you deal with situations that require you to grow up quickly. It’s okay. Your choices will not disappoint you. More importantly, God's choices for you are always for your best. Don’t make the mistake in thinking that if you only had a healthy pregnancy and full term baby it would be a nearly ideal experience. Life doesn’t roll that way girl. Jay is going to come into your life screaming. If infants could use profanity, he would be all over that. Two months of colic are going to make you feel like you are losing your mind. You kinda do, but it’s okay. You are kind of funny when you lose your mind. And some day you might not even remember what it was like to know where your mind was. It’s all good. The days of colic don’t last forever. Gear up for it though, cause it’s going to seem like it. Hold him; nurse him when he wants it. A schedule just aint happenin with this one. Don’t force it. Wear ear plugs. The stigma surrounding “getting counseling” – ignore it. A Christian counselor is a good thing. If you need Biblical back up for that you can find it in Proverbs. Noe B is going to make you melt, just melt. The way you love him, cuddle him, and let house work go undone to just stare at him – all a good thing! Don’t second guess it. You are finally getting those priorities a little bit better lined up by the time he comes along. Loss isn’t going to be a stranger to you. You will go there again. Please be patient with the process. God is using you. It seems trite, but each loss you face is going to be another important building block to your usability. And that’s what you want more than anything. You do, okay? David seems very confident. You’ll think he doesn’t need a whole lot of reassurance. He does. Build him up in every way you can. You think that he doesn’t need you as much as you need him. That’s just not true. You each have unique and very different needs, but don’t let that deceive you into thinking that he doesn’t need you. As you near the end of your 20s, you are still going to have a lot of questions and insecurities. Stop trying to rush things. Just look to Jesus for your strength each day. You will still shudder at the term ‘process’, but it’s just a fact of life that you are going to have to accept. Life is a process. Watch out for deer, take writing seriously, and open your heart up in a big way. It’s not going to be an easy road, but Miss Wendi at age 20 – it is going to be astounding! Miraculous even.