To attract, not repel

 Twenty one years.

Of course I didn't know

That before you - I was collecting a pile of sidelined explosives. And you had the igniter. 

Doesn't it seem impossible?

The experiences that I stuffed inside - quite talented in the unhealthiest ability to hide. 

They were of a specific brand

That you would expose

Your brand of toxic and my brand of toxic meeting.

A rendezvous of catastrophe

Of course it didn't seem like the perfect storm in the beginning. Because love and infatuation and starry eyes

Starry eyes can't see venom.

I know God. If He saw the potential calamity of what was just under the surface; the volcano that would erupt. 

Why? 

It's uncanny really. The exact places that remain the most tender in the recesses of my heart. The soul ache. Line up, in an agonizing way, with the teeth of what is flawed in you

Impossible? Unfair? Not worth fighting? Too painful?

Or just right.

Divine design

I ask why - 

when I should ask why not? 

What if this is actually brilliant -  on a divine level? 

Of course the places that have been rearranged in each of us by hurt will repel the other

Unless we adjust

Like the laws of magnetism - we make a reversal in position

To attract. Not repel

Could the teeth of the individual hurts of two, aligning into the most painful places of our being, actually bring

healing?

Is it the perfect storm?

Or an exquisite, well planned opportunity to see the work of a most excellent Creator?

Your brand of attack from the enemy and my brand of attack from the enemy meeting. 

Flip the pole of the magnet.

 It's not our possession of toxicity, it's the poison inflicted from the father of lies. 

And here we are.

Flip the pole and the attraction is involuntary. 

A force outside of our control. 

Transform the repelling from the pain to the attracting of healing

What could be superior to an aligning of pain in two, that leads to two laying their lives down to be instrumental in the healing of one another? 

Change the narrative. There's unimaginable power in that

He is exceptional in planning, coordinating, bringing together. He is peace. He is healing. He does not make mistakes. This wasn't a coincidence that was doomed to crash and burn. 

Could we even possibly have an advantage in each others healing?

There's a higher level of purpose here than we could ever fathom.

 I'm in awe. 

I won't ever see it all while we're here. 

And the pain is still there. But the purpose is bigger

If it hurts too much and is too impossible for human attempts 

- to tape and bandage and keep tying to pick up the pieces 

Than it can not be done in a human way

Everything I read about Him points to this

Expose

Push to breaking

And then the breakthrough

Where it can only be mended supernaturally

That's where he wants us

Twenty one years is a lot of taping and exposing and hurting

And it's a lot of healing and mending and higher purpose

He writes it

It's unfolding. 

In His hands the narrative changes and the magnetic field rotates. 

The dress

I came across this dress in my closet the other day.  It was actually packed away in a bin and shoved behind all of my current dresses.

But oh my - the memories this dress brought up in my mind!

This was my "honeymoon dress"

16 Marches ago my sister and I went shopping for my Florida wardrobe.  I couldn't wait.  It seemed like a dream.

One big, beautiful, surreal dream coming true. 

I had just turned 20 and there I was,  laughing with my sister and carefully choosing through aisles of dresses for my honeymoon dress.  Of course I would bring a few dresses - and lots of beach clothes, but I wanted one very special dress.

This one was it.

I bought it and carefully folded it, packing it away in my suitcase.

Dave and I had this crazy, whirlwind, long distance relationship.  Since we lived 500 miles apart and only knew each other for about 8 months before we got married {all the gasps} we really hadn't had that many dates.  I knew this dress would be worn for a very special date.

You guys know my story of ups and downs.  I have never wanted to be fake in what I share.  It's been a hard 15 years in many aspects.  But you know what?  When I pulled this dress out I couldn't stop the grin.  Because I wouldn't change this.

I wouldn't change that innocent girl who had only been on about a dozen dates with the man who she was about to marry.  I wouldn't change our crazy story.  It's almost unthinkable to me, in retrospect, what we actually did.  -And that my parents let us! ;)  But God was writing our story even back then.  No part of it is insignificant.

We knew that we wanted to be married and have a life long commitment before we had a physical relationship; before we settled down.  And we wanted a physical relationship and to settle down. ;) We both held very traditional values and desired to have a home and family.  So we got married after a few months. We knew our commitment to God and to each other was for life no.matter.what.

So all of the betters and worses that came at us, this young couple who had so much to learn about one another, in all directions? - They would hit us hard, but they could not knock us down. 

I love us.  I love our story.  I love our great big God and how magnified He has become in our struggles and weaknesses.  We have a good thing.  A really, really good thing.

This is me in that dress, on that honeymoon, with that guy, who had hair. ;)

It was just as I had imagined.  We were married, and could finally spend all of our days together instead of our limited monthly long distance travel to see one another for a weekend.

It had rained that day but a beautiful sunny Florida warmth still permeated everything.  Our waitress sat us outside on a patio surrounded by twinkly lights.  I remember it was nearly dusk, so those white lights glowed in a really beautiful way.

And life was good.

I'm so glad I still have the dress.  Because pulling it out and having the rush of memories fills my heart.  I feel like right now we are literally on a tread mill of life - just keep running, running, running....
And I need these reminders of all the amazing things God has done in our lives.

You know what?  I may just put this dress on this Thursday.  Fifteen years you guys! Wow.  So hard to believe.  If it's not snowing, I am totally wearing this dress when we celebrate our anniversary.  No Florida this year - just good ol' Jackson, MI.  :) Jackson, MI with the man I love and a story I wouldn't trade for all of the happily ever afters in the world.

14 years {AKA: Later On Down The Line}

-Melanie Shankle

We slipped away from the world last Friday. 

Left our responsibilities.  Left our calendars.  Left our kids.  

Sometimes you have to leave a few things behind in able to breathe a little.  As it ends up, when not interrupted by Many Little Voices,  I can talk for 2 hours straight,  hardly taking a breath.

Just ask Dave.  Dude will testify to that. 

Fourteen years can sure seem like a breath and a lifetime all at once. 

As I've reflected on the last 14 years I nearly found myself embracing a path of thinking that perhaps some of those years held wasted time.  

Wasted moments.  

Wasted on selfishness and immaturity.  

Wasted chasing after things that didn't matter and missing what it truly means to be one flesh. 

I was an entire 6 weeks out of my teens when I became a wife. 

Yep.  I knew all about it.  We would have the happiest little home.  Marriage was a beautiful thing which resulted in two people making one another so very happy.  My low self esteem would be healed by his adoration and undivided attention.  He would make me a better person and I would do the same.  Finally we would be complete,  as God had designed.  

Some truth in that above paragraph little Padawan, but very, very little. 

****************************

We took a train to the city last Friday. All the way to Chicago just for lunch, shopping, and walking around. 

Because we could.

We are so country.  Stepping off the train was like stepping into another world for us.  Us coon-catching-crazies.  In the big city.  Paying $5 for a small coffee.  Oh yeah.  Living on the edge. 

Oh the refreshment of that day though!  It was unseasonably warm.  We didn't even pack coats, and were comfortable the entire time.  

He held my hand and I made him go into Anthropology.  

We wondered about all of the tattered and tired, imploring anyone and everyone for help on nearly every corner.  

We talked about how much we wished we could hear each and every one of their stories and somehow help them all.  

I had fish tacos for the first time and laughed at his apparent dislike of my choice.  We have very different tastes in some things, and that's a-ok.  Because we are completely different people.  We see the world through our own filters, which took years to form.  Years when we didn't even know each other.  

We have different tastes and different thoughts and unique abilities.  We have different callings. Sometimes he sees the forest while I see the trees and he can pull me back a bit, "See this? See the big picture? It's going to be ok." Some times with just a sentence I can confirm  a nudging on his heart and open him up to a multiplied beauty. 

And that's where it's at. 

It's not in an imagined euphoria of this exhausting treadmill - striving to "keep each other happy". I tried that. It's not real and it's not life giving. More than trying to "keep him happy" was the expectation that he needed to continually increase the speed and incline on making me happy. I mean, that's what being married is, isn't it? 

*********************

I held his hand and walked comfortably beside him.  Right by his side.  Where I want to be forever. Our shoulders rubbed against each other every now and then and it was comfortable.  So comfortable. I remember when we were engaged and newly married - I had this irrational fear of what I naively entitled "Later On Down The Line". 

Later On Down The Line.  

In my young mind it represented change and a lull.  Excitement lost. And *gasp* being comfortable.  I had watched far too many couples become apathetic towards one another.  I had watched disrespect seep into relationships.  I saw that point when they stopped holding hands.  So some of this response to the unknown - that day when perhaps we will have been married to the point of  boredom? - that fear was not all unfounded.  I wanted to fight for something good. Admirable. 

But stealing into that thinking was the fallacy that somehow years = a diminishing of feeling.  That we would be destined to this negative Later On Down The Line.

********************

So.  14 years.  It's kind of later on down the line, huh?  let's face it, we can hardly call ourselves newlyweds anymore. 

And if I could go back to my young-barely-out-of-my-teens self, here's what I would say.

"It's beautiful. You won't believe me, so you'll have to live each moment.  Let moments build into memories and you'll see.  Comfortable is beautiful.  While the breathless of the unknown is gone, you'll never wish for that back.  The glittering moments of nervous heart palpitations give way to a solid foundation,

to a knowing beyond anything this side of heaven,

to a firm hand holding you up,

and battles waged, wrestling through selfishness, victories won with eyes locked in determination."

************************

There's still plenty of mystery. Plenty!  If you want to see my husband nervous, just wait till I start talking about him being able to read my mind. Scares him to death. Because he can't.  And he doesn't complete me. And while he has been incredibly instrumental in making me a better person, it is God who has ultimately used him in the process.  Don't ever put a Creator sized job on a created human being.  Just don't. 

Our shoulders touch and I'm just grateful.  While we don't read each others minds, we have a pretty good idea what the other is thinking.  Because we have practice.  We have taken the time to ask throughout the years.  He knows  what dress I will stop to ohh and ahh over in J Crew. It's yellow - so, yeah.  He asks me to order at Starbucks in Millennium Station because he is still more comfortable in a John Deere than a coffee shop. And I know that,  it is so endearing to me. 

Sometimes I glance up at him and I still can't believe I get to spend the rest of my life by his side. 

It's so good.

Besides that fact that I love him, I really, really like him.  He's someone that I would want to get to know if I didn't already.  I'm fascinated by his intelligence and ability to figure out/fix/upgrade just about anything.
*************************

Those moments I would maybe want to discard?  - they were not wasted.  They were helping to build this foundation. We have a lot more building to do, to be sure. But God is using every single second of this covenant relationship to sanctify, to refine, to reveal himself,  to put the gospel on display to the world,  to glimpse eternity, and yes - even to bless us with happiness. 

On the train ride back to our home state, and our lodging for the night, we talked about where God might be bringing us, as a family.  We  settled into a contented relaxation and I etched the memory on my heart.  It's no secret that our lives are busy. Packed and filled to the brim. We are learning about margins and trying to make them more and more important, but there's also just reality. Life with 4 boys, work, home ownership, ministry - it's alot. We can't play hooky from life every weekend (believe me, I would if I could - and have tried to invent a way to make this happen since being back...) but that is what makes moments like these so very precious!  Dave and I don't throw the word "perfect" around much - that weekend we did. 

The next morning we spent time in prayer together (uninterrupted. I just hardly even knew what that looked like).  I had just spent time doing my make up and well, it was a good thing I did that...  because I sure did make a mess of it. 

I was undone when I heard this man, whom I have come to respect and hold in such high esteem, pray for us, our boys, our life, our hearts to always be seeking and chasing after God with abandon. 

See, years are not the equivalent of boredom or losing anything. But at some point, and only through years, something sacred happens. 

There is a bonding of hearts - but it's not what I thought it would look like in the beginning.  Key to finding a firm solidarity in our lives was a mind shift.  I needed to see Dave as primarily God's, not mine before we could reach this new level of intimacy. 

I needed to seek my Savior for my completion before I could glimpse the sacred in my relationship with Dave.  We are side by side, bonded inseparably as we seek to grow closer to Jesus daily. We are building His Kingdom together, not the kingdom of Dave and Wendi. 

Fourteen years down the line is nothing like I expected it, and so much better than I could have ever imagined it.  In our commonality of faith we have entered a closeness that is of a different realm than that which I was afraid to loose.  Even this points to The Kingdom; My thoughts and ideals had to die so that something so much better could be raised up.  

We are back in the mad rush that is our life.  There's a whole lot of "divide and conquer" - and not much alone/together time, once again.  But we give a smile and a wink and say, "I'm so glad to be doing life with you".  In texts and phone calls, and rare moments together we say it. We say that we believe we are doing what we are supposed to do and that in doing it together there is a noticeable strengthening.  We know it's fast paced and chaotic.  We especially deal with being separated as it pertains to K's care and the amount of time one of us has to stay back due to an inability to do an activity or deal with some of his challenging behavior.  

The joy is in the knowing that before time began, this was God's plan for Dave and Wendi.  He gave us this.  We take a deep breath and we dive into the deep. This week alone we have dealt with long nights,  meetings, a stomach virus that has lent itself to mountains of laundry, numerous changed plans, worshiping separately, and an ER visit.  I have battled a very stubborn Caleb by myself and wept.  

But this is the life we have been given. And doing it together glimpses Jesus. 

I can't wait for Later on Down the Line. ;) 

Love him forever. 

Thirteen years of raw files in my mind

My mind works innately like a camera. It's just a part of who I am. Perhaps that is why a camera feels so natural in my hands.

Right now - snapshots of thirteen years.

March 24th, 2001. Seems like a lifetime ago. But still, I have these snapshots that are clear. Raw, and lovely.

I thought I had so much more figured out than I really did. I was one month post twentieth birthday celebrations.

Walking down an aisle in a small white church building in small town Iowa.

And I thought I knew what love was.

For who I was, and what I knew at that time, I did know in part what this agape covenant was all about. But oh what a small part.

Tulle and lace,
carrying light pink and white roses,
arm linked with my dad's,
eyes locked on the man who was going go through the depths and scale the heights with me.
*click*
It's a snapshot that will always be burned into my memory. 

Tennessee. I see a snapshot of us on our first big vacation together a year and a half later. Sitting on the edge of the bed in our condo, with shaking hands and moist eyes, we gazed at two pink lines.
*click*

My world was growing. Without fully knowing the repercussions, my heart was opening in ways it never had before. And he was there, as always.

His eyes are intrinsically a part of the snapshots. Kind of like pools of clear water, they have pulled me from despair and spoken hope. They have found mine across a room and communicated protection. They have been disappointed,
burdened,
grieved,
overjoyed,
and inviting.

I can see those eyes in a neonatal intensive care unit, and at the edge of a tiny graveside. I see them spring with hope as seasons move on. Tilling and planting and tending life together. I see his eyes reassuring me and imploring me to press on.

The snapshot of the tulle and lace brings memories of a girl's view of this union.
Because Marriage is such a sweet fairytale, right?
Passion, desire, fire.
Affirmation, exclusivity, attention.
Ahh, it was going to be grand! 

And there he was holding me as I threw up on the edge of the hospital bed, room spinning, facing preterm labor again.
*click*

And he walked into a house,
met with a crying 2 year old,
screaming 4 day old,
and sobbing wife.
*click*

And he was at the wheel on those trips back to Michigan, after a visit to my hometown, where I always started crying right around the turn off to Cedar Rapids….
*click*

More babies,
more experience,
less time to focus on *us*.

Those eyes. The instant our third came into the world - I specifically remember looking up and seeing pure and complete awe as he looked at me and his newest son.
*click*

And suddenly this wasn't about the fairytale anymore.

So much navigating.
So many needs.
Such a crazy learning curve.

Where do *we* fit in to this fast paced dance of pulling all nighters pacing with a screaming baby, diapers (so many, many diapers…),
sippy cups,
and medical appointments?

There he is, sitting on the edge of the couch at a loss as I balled up my body as tight as I could. Everything just looked so dark. To see an image without the flutter of a heartbeat was foreign. My flesh crawled and my middle cramped from the invasiveness of emptying my body of a life that no longer was. And he softly took my hand because he knew I would see light again, but he didn't know when.
*click*

And sometimes I was the one holding his hand and willing him to see the light.
Back pain,
job issues,
stumbling for his next step,
responsibility,
going back to school,
hours of work.

Sometimes we were so depleted we were in essence gritting our teeth and just holding on because neither one of us could see much light.

The snapshots are more clear at this point and they begin to have a whisper of things more eternal.

There's our God, holding us up when we can't stand. 
*click*

It's starting to make more sense now.
That this covenant is not about me,
or him,
or them.

It's about putting Christ on display.
For if anything can plunge the depths and still arise with beauty? - It has to be fully and completely about HIM.

I'm literally laying on our deck at midnight. He's cutting down trees in the backyard, not because they ned to be cut. I don't know if I've ever cried with my whole body like I did that night. We had both made poor choices and we had to face the dark monster. It was always there, cycling in and out of our story oh-so-uninvited. It was this lie that snagged him when he was stressed; that pornography could give him a few minutes of maybe not facing life. Maybe exhaling for a minute and alleviating the stress. But it never really paid what it promised and we were cut deep.

He smelled like sawdust and my hair was soaking wet. I did not feel love for him, but I clung, and he clung. There on the deck, we faced the ugly and we cried hard.
*click*

Four boys,
and growing up (ALL of us growing up. All of us),
and the last sippy cup being tossed.

I see him patiently winding a kite string. Over and over. Careful untangling it from a branch. Little boy feet run with the freedom and joy that comes with wind in your face, a kite in your hand, and knowing beyond a doubt that you have a daddy who loves you.
*click*

He's showing them Jesus. He's guiding them to the heart of their Creator. Those snapshots are priceless.

He's sitting in our living room after scaling the stigma of pursuing counseling, and I think I love him more than I ever have before in my life.
*click*

He lets Jesus turn his heart inside out, and he grasps onto Him with a desperation. I see it in those eyes. Still pools of blue, but with a new steely resolve that I never seen. And a tenderness; an incredible tenderness that I can't even began to see the depths of.

I'm reaching for the big heavy door at the counselors office too, and I have to just laugh. Stigma and pride and expectations have no where to go now. Goodbye. 

Remember that fairytale where the prince and princess go get counseling and…… ;)
Right. Me neither. Let's just go with real life.

I told God what I wanted our love story to look like.
I wrote it beautifully.
 It was nearly perfect.
And at first it looked like it was playing out exactly how I had planned.
Oh joy! Happy sigh.
Perfection.

But then I looked in devastated horror as my fairytale was pried from my fingers, and the ashes of my love story floated around me.
The ashes landed all around my feet, and something breathtaking happened.

This redemptive story grew up from those ashes that didn't look at all like my story. As if ashes could be seeds, it was like wildflowers blooming across a field.
There it was.
This is God's creation. These 13 years were never "my story" anyway. I am living out a picture of what it means to love without condition, to serve as Christ serves us, to open myself up to being served, and to forgive.

I am living out the greatest story of all. The gospel is put on display when I surrender my marriage over to the one who designed it. I wash his feet, he washes mine.

Last night we were in the kitchen together. So mundane, so everyday. Just cutting chicken. Just mixing sauce. just boiling water for rice. Just fielding the standard million and one questions from the many little boys. But he'd catch my eye, and I'd see that look (I swear he still makes me blush). No cares for the 8 eyes making up a mini audience. "They'll be super secure" we joke as we move closer and forget all about the chicken and the sauce and the rice.
*click*

I know perfection isn't the goal anymore.
I want more eternal things.
I want to put Christ on display and show a hurting world what it looks like to experience beauty from ashes.

 It's why Jesus came and it's what these last 13 years have been about.

To remember {33}

No, you aren't one of the kids.

Birthdays aren't that big of a deal after you hit your mid 20's, I know. 

It's pretty corny to write blog posts to yourself.
Truth.

Annnd… all that being said,
you aren't going to want to forget. 


You won't want to forget the morning you turned 33.
That your feet hit the floor and you filled your lungs with air, and felt so grateful.
Grateful that God had granted you 33 years of living well, loving deeply, hurting until it stretched you to better, learning new things every single day, and most importantly - getting to know your Creator intimately.

Please don't forget the busy day with so many ordinary moments, and the sweet effort that your five boys made to insure that it was extraordinary. 

Don't forget it, because for all of the ordinary and all of the hard days that must be lived, you need to remember how much they love you and how they expressed it this day.

From the moment they awoke they were full of hugs, "happy birthday mommy!" and "I love you's"

Don't forget their love.
Don't forget their sweet arms around your neck and how excited they were to celebrate you.

Yes, you noticed the lines around your eyes the morning you turned 33.

The creases around your smile seemed deeper.

The bags under your eyes a little darker.

And you were okay with that.

Ok, maybe a little disconcerted, but mostly okay.You stood in front of the mirror. You peered right and you peered left, examining your skin and the different tone and texture to some areas of your hair where the grays have been covered but somehow still seem to want to stand out from the rest.

This getting older thing takes some adjustments. It is subtle, happens without permission, and can catch you off guard.

Somehow though, somehow strive to make that sparkle in your eye ageless. Just do


The gentle snowfall felt a bit like what it might feel like to be inside of a snow globe. The snowfall, of course, is not noteworthy this winter. It is almost an everyday occurrence. Still, it was a very pretty snow that fell on February 11th, 2014.

Don't forget the generosity of your mother in law taking Kai for several hours, making you lunch (oh the deliciousness of homemade chicken and dumpling soup!), and sitting down with you to order a most meaningful and sentimental gift.

The texts, voice mail messages, facebook (OH MY!), emails, cards in the mail - all of it, remember.

Your big sister spoiling you with these over the top feminine, pink, satin, jeweled, ruffled slippers.


Time in your kitchen (alone!), worship tunes turned high, and baking up a storm. Maybe you can forget that batch of cookies that got ruined….. but perhaps that hiccup is an important part of the journey too. You didn't cry, so that's progress, right?


The homemade pretzels, however, were delish and delivering them was a highlight of your day.

Oh, and the free car wash and free coffee? FOR SURE remember those awesome things. :)

Remember how you smiled to yourself and felt like three coffee shops were courting you, as you had to decide which one of three free birthday coffee offers to redeem. What a great problem to have! *wink*

The quiet, the fireplace in the coffee shop, the kindness of strangers…. they blessed you and you felt a peacefulness and contentment in your entire being that you need to carry with you in the crazy days.

The afternoon/evening was packed and busy.
Through the later homecoming of your school guys because of extracurricular activities,
the preparation of four sets of valentines,
the involved third grade Wright brothers project,
the spelling words,
and the supper prep -  you saw those sweet apologetic eyes of the man who loves you dearly.


Those eyes said, "I know it's your birthday, and I'm sorry it's crazy."
They met your eyes across the table,
across four little people,
busy and all talking at once and adding to All The Crazy.
And those loving eyes kept you grounded.

Keep assuring him that you know the crazy,
you live the crazy,
and as much as the crazy drains you, it fills you. 

There's no one you would rather meet eyes with across the crazy.

He stepped out in the snow and grilled for you. Hero.

The food was amazing,
the chocolate/coffee cake perfection,
and their efforts truly made you feel like a princess.

Remember your little artists excitement in gifting you some of his precious creations.

Remember ALL of their excitement during the gift exchanging.


Oh my - and always remember that this year - this year they surprised you.

(Dave + your camera = All The Expressions)

 All of those years of stumbling upon gifts, or receipts, or little ones who just can't contain their "hints".
-This year they nailed it, and they kept it under wraps. Priceless!

Seeing that they know you, like really, really know you, melted your heart.


His card for you, the sustenance to your word loving soul - was certainly icing on the cake.

Oh to be loved like this. It feels indulgent and lavish. Almost too much. Like, is it okay to have all of this? So much in your life, when you don't deserve even an ounce of it.

But you will take it with open arms.You must let this love fill you up until it overflows and spreads through your world.

Keep living fully and loving until it hurts. And then love some more.
 It will serve you well.

No, life is not about feeling special.
The point of your existence is not to enjoy special days.
It's not the reason you were created, but it is a benefit, for sure.
God smiles when He sees us enjoy this life He gave us.
He does want us to celebrate life!
And there are times that he just pulls out all the stops, fills you up, and then sits back to see what you will do with the love overflowing from your life.


Here's to another spin around the sun.

Here's to remembering the moments. 

Especially, here's to loving the world with all the love that has been invested in you!

What I learned from a huge rusty radiator

{This is not a huge rusty radiator. This is the sound board at church.}

This guy…

I love him.

This week…

It's only Tuesday, and it feels very much like it should be Friday. Friday, or the next Friday. Guess who's spoiled? Me. I am. My husband works eight hours each day, five days each week. I know. Super cool. This week students are gone, so he gets to do big projects. He needs to take advantage of the time they are away and he can actually start and finish a job in one day.

Hey, that just gave me an idea. Anyone want some boys for a few days so I can, like, UNLOAD THE DISHWASHER, RE-LOAD IT, ADD SOAP, AND PRESS START all in one day?

Bless their hearts; those boys of mine.

Annnd backing it right back up.

So, this week Dave is cleaning carpets. Lots of them. As in, he is on his second 15 hour day.

And wow, I am in awe of this guy and his dedication to us. He works so hard. When he isn't at his full time job, he is usually serving/helping/ministering in some capacity.

Sometimes it isn't easy. And I'm not proud of this: sometimes I want him all to myself, and I find this selfish ugly wrap itself around my heart. So, my prayer has been that I would simply be the helper and encourager I was meant to be. It's an awesome thought that I can be a part of the process that God is actively involved in regarding Dave's heart and life. -That I can work in cooperation with God in encouraging him to be all that he was meant to be. I have seen God use him over and over. I have also recognized times that I have stood in the way of him being used by God, and I still shudder at that thought. I do not ever, EVER, want be a wall between this man and God. But I have to admit that keeping that perspective in amongst the crazy busy dailies of my life is tough.

I have to tell you a story. So, I went to the Center for Women retreat a couple of weeks ago. I get to go to the comfiest lodge for 24 hours with people who I work for and volunteer along side of at the Center. I get loved on, waited on, cooked for,  and All of Those Things. So sweet and refreshing.

Any time I am away for more than 2 or 3 hours, I know that I will be coming home to a trashed out house that is not in the same state I left it in. Just truth. {Five guys + me. It is what it is. I'm out numbered} So I was all psyching myself up for it, and praying on my way home. I knew there would be some dishes to wash and likely some clutter to manage. It was not lost on me that the boys were planning to put up our tree and decorate for Christmas while I was gone. I had not yet prepared a spot for the tree, nor really been ready for all of the decor to make an appearance, but I knew they would have a blast placing it all in odd and charming places throughout the house.

It was as I expected. Open bins, Christmas decor, tree, stuff where tree used to be stacked up and re-distributed. I climbed over a coffee table, and started looking for Dave. It took me a full 5 minutes to find him, but I finally did. In our upstairs hallway installing a large, rusty heat radiator. I knew that this was also an impending project, but I was not aware it would be in process this very weekend. While the boys were decorating. And All The Stuff was everywhere.

So, I did what any good, loving, respectful wife would do.

 I pouted. Big time.

And I didn't really even take the time to look at him. Like, really look at how hard he had been working. Look in those loving eyes. Those tired eyes. Dang, he probably experienced the inability to fill and start the dishwasher, so he went on to bigger and better things.

The guy had done a marathon project, that would be benefiting the entire family with more heat upstairs on this cold, cold {almost} winter.

I saw rust. And clutter. And coffee tables in the walk way.

He saw well fed, taken care of boys having a blast.
He saw a tree that I wanted up, finally up.
He saw the completion of a project that had been nagging him for a long time.
He saw warmth for the family he loved.

The next day I was relaying my dissatisfaction to a friend. And he nailed it. He said, "That man is a provider, everything he does is to provide for his family"

And wow, that has stuck with me. Seriously cured the pout.

I opened my eyes and every time I turned around he was meeting needs and providing. It may not be in my "love language" or in the order of my priorities. But I am so grateful for this provider I have been given. I don't think he knows how not to provide. It's innate and ingrained into who he is.

And yes, we had good talks about priorities and love languages and, you know, painting the rusty radiator. Big Stuff like that.

Right now, he's still at work. And I am warm and cozy in the home he is providing for us. Heating this house with wood is not a simple, fun hobby. It takes so much time, dedication, and work. This huge rusty radiator is just about the comfiest thing I've ever had in my house. You know, second to the guy who installed it. ;) Lucky me.

Blessed. Really, I am blessed. Love you, babe!

Random, tired thoughts

I need to be heading to bed, because my new fall-time schedule has my days beginning while it is still dark, in the early am.

Writing will clear my mind though, and I do want to head for my rest tonight with a clear mind. It helps. :)



Tonight was my last night at the Center for Women, until January. After 6 years of constancy, this was one of the things that God asked me to step back from, for a time. I feel peace, relief, and sadness. It's only three months, but still. It's my family. We are tight. We are sisters. We will do ministry together again. My Mondays in 2013 will not be the same.

My heart is full. These days I am listening to, and most importantly hearing, God in ways that I fear I have been too distracted for of late. Much of what I am hearing is surprising. All of it is good. I am soaking it up like a sponge.

 Learning,
             growing,
                          stretching.

And guess what?
Stopping,
          pausing,
                         resting, and
                                           breathing.

Good. So good. 

On Wednesdays I am now Mrs. McCallum. Who knew I would love to teach so much?! I am teaching a digital photography class to middle and high schoolers at a local home school co-op. My students are eager to learn, and seeing the light turn on in their minds when we do hands on photography learning is priceless! 

My photography business is growing. Some of what is surprising me about letting go of my agenda and schedule, and asking God to have complete control of it, is a big ol' green light on pursuing the business  wholeheartedly. I guess I thought He would tell me to step back from the business and dive into all things ministry. Oh how small I make God, and oh how I put "ministry" into an unfair and restricted box. I am ashamed of that.  I have met countless people, and been to all kinds of places I never would have been to had I not ventured unto the world of business ownership. I am humbly grateful for the ways in which He is teaching me that my business, my gifts, talents, my callings {my life} THEY ARE MY MINISTRY. See the common thread between the Janitor/shepherd and the photographer/shepherd? :) 

Speaking of him - I love him. I know you know that, but I have to say it again. I was talking to my friend tonight, and just recapping what the last 13 years have been like for us. 

Year 2 of marriage was hard. We had premature twins at 25 weeks gestation, and we buried one. Hard.  It was this crash course in grieving while trying to communicate well, while still learning one another.

Year 7 was hard. For no one specific reason, and for a hundred reasons. 

Year ten had a few bumps. 

We will always face bumps in the road, I know that. But something happened this year. We began to get really honest. Gut wrenching honesty. It has laid our hearts bare, hurt like nothing else, and glued us tighter. I don't know how else to explain it. 

He doesn't complete me and he isn't my everything. He draws me closer to my Creator, who is. I love him more for that than anything else he could do for me. 

I started running last week. I tried it 5 years ago, at a time in my life when starting to run was probably one of the most impractical things I could've done. I deemed it "not for me", felt like a big wus, and turned my back on it. Recently I have had this feeling that I really needed to try again. I actually have some time to do it, now that Mali is in preschool 3 days a week, in the am. I downloaded the couch to 5k app, and I am going to give it a fair try this time around. I still feel like a big wus - and oh-so-NOT-athletic, but I have only completed day 2. I am going to stick with it through at least the entire 9 week training process. -Not really sure how I'll feel about it when it begins to get really cold and the snow flies, but I am committed to trying my hardest to see this through. 

Today I texted my friend, who is training for her second marathon, that I now have a "running" play list and arm band for my Ipod, so I'm a runner, right?!. She informed me that I run, therefore I am a runner. So good to have truth speaking people in my life. ;)

The thing with me is that, for realz, I am the least athletic person you will ever meet. I played no sports when I was growing up, and don't have an over abundance of physical strength. In the c25k training stage I am in now, I am walking more than running - and still feeling challenged.

Please tell me that  my lungs will not burn forever. 

Goodnight for now friends. This getting up early and running thing is tiring this girl out. :) Plus, you know there's the four boys and… 

All of The Stuff. :) 

(PS - doesn't it seem like my iMac should recognize the word "iPod" and not tell me it is misspelled? It's like a father turning his back on his own son or something. Isn't it? Ok. bed. yes, I'm going.)

5-22-13

I think I am starting to get. Like really get it. 

That this life isn't about you or me, 
who our kids are, or what choices they make.

It's not about where we live or who we serve, or what our title is.

It's certainly not about how much money we make, or any prestige, power, praise, or position. 

Sure, those things matter some, and they will affect us and some of our choices. But I feel this movement, and I know you do too. It's this continuation of walls falling down and a transferring of security. 


Let's live for everything except ourselves. 

Let's place no expectations on the children that God has given us except that they love Jesus with everything they are! - The rest will come if that statement is true (Proverbs 3:6)

Let's hold any earthly possessions with nothing but hands that are wide open - {including our address}.

Let's serve everyone. As open as our hands are, let our eyes and hearts be too! 

Let's not care "what" we are in ministry - because we are in ministry. Every single day - God has placed us in ministry. 


I will hold tightly to your hand and we will do this: we will run full force towards Jesus. Just Him. 

You are grace and you are love - and you are home. Together we will work towards our final home, where all that will matter is that we gave our hearts - our whole hearts - to Him (Philippians 3:14).

This life with you? So very full of everything I never expected. And it seems that will only continue. Bring it on. I'm here and you are here - and He is our foundation. Bring on the unexpected. Bring on the chaos. -Even the pain. We can work through the pain because, I dare say, it is only building our endurance towards that prize. 


Life is really full right now, and it's good. You are so much of the good in my life. There is nowhere I'd rather be than by your side, and nothing I'd rather do than show Jesus to the world with you. 

{Love}

I know - all the eye rollers who are making it known that today is set aside for $ and silliness….

It's true, probably.

But I still woke up today WAY overwhelmed with how honored and privileged I am to love and be loved by this man.

I don't know how or why I ever became the recipient of such blessings. But I think God is beginning to open my eyes more and more to the way he loves… extravagantly. And let me tell you - he is using this guy to show me how HE loves.

I'm such a lucky girl.

{My reasonable service}

I came across this quote by Elizabeth Elliot today, 

"This job has been given to me to do. Therefore, it is a gift. Therefore, it is a privilege. Therefore, it is an offering I make to God. Therefore, it is to be done gladly, if it is done for Him. Here, not somewhere else, I may learn God's way. In this job, not in some other, God looks for faithfulness."

It really struck a chord with me. 

I thought of all the times that I wanted a "different cross to bear." - Because surely some one else's troubles would be lighter than mine, right?!

 Um… no. :) Different… sure. But we have each been given a distinctly unique area to glorify God in. We have a choice:
to embrace it, 
run with it, 
and radiate light while we are living it, 

or 

complain about it,
suffer discontentment from it,
and wish our days away. 

I have been able to see the testimony that I can have with the experiences I have been given. But, can I be honest? Oh the times that I have stubbornly grieved "my issues" - and wanted some other testimony. Another way to bring glory to God.         

...Times I haven't wanted to have the platform of the mom of a special needs son.
Changing a 10 year old's diapers,

Meetings upon meetings at school to figure out placements because of delays and fatigue and frustrations.

Doctors appointments all over the place.

And then he just looks at me, and his eyes sparkle, and I squeeze my eyes shut and say, "yes, this is mine - may my response to it be a sweet offering to you, Lord."

…Times I haven't wanted the stigma of loving my husband through the times he has struggled with what he puts before his eyes.
Really?
Do we have to go there?
Maybe he could be tempted by something else...

But oh, what I have learned about God, and his great love for us through this!

…Times that I haven't wanted the platform of being the mom who lost a baby. 

And there I found the very heart of God.

I could think of a ton of other "issues" that seem initially easier to bear. Perhaps a little more to my liking. 

I mean, hey - what if we could each "have it our way?!" Like a fast food restaurant. If we absolutely had to pick a few struggles, and we could choose from a flashing menu board?

"I'll have….anger, maybe impatience, and a  side of rebellion, hold the lust. Maybe a small helping of "sick child", but leave off the chronic special needs, please. And certainly no death. Let's just add a few minor struggles, if I have too, but miniature size that. Thanks!"

-And I just have to laugh. I know myself, and I know that I would be able to find plenty of ways to throw fits over any hand I would have been dealt. 

But this is mine. 

I lift my face towards the Son, and own it.

This

Is

Mine.

This is what God knew would be on my plate when he created me. Some days I can see the truth; that this is my reasonable service to Him (Romans 12).

That "bearing" all of this is nothing in light of what Jesus did for me, and even in light of what so many around me are in the midst of! 

That this is (*deep breath*) a privilege.  Yes - an honor, to joyful serve my Jesus in the middle of what he has placed me in.

It's mine, and I am giving it back to him with joy and surrender. 

-Doesn't mean these labels which define my roles are easy, but there is certainly a buffer on the raw pain when I imagine this……

"Well done, good and faithful servant."

It will be worth it all, when we see Jesus.

Life's trials will seem so small, when we see Christ;

One glimpse of His dear face, all sorrow will erase,

so bravely run the race, till we see Christ.

                                                           -Esther Kerr Rusthoi                  

I believe it. With my whole being I believe this. And that, my friends, is what gets me through. 

Tear down my fences and wreck my heart

So many blog posts swimming around in my head.

We've had birthdays, and I like to acknowledge each one with a blog post for my boys to read when they are older. I will do that.

We've had Christmas, a vacation, out of state family time, a celebration of the hero who came to rescue us from ourselves. It was all so sweet. Meaningful and touching.

We've closed out a calendar year. Laid back, reflective, hanging out with friends, and over the top indulgent eats.  Good. So good.

And now a new year.

Hello 2013. I look you square in the eye and I am ready. Let's do this. Wreck me. Tear me away from my selfishness, greed, temporal desires. 

As I reflect over the past year, I have two distinctly real and distinctly unique trains of thought.

One: 2012 was a good year. It was safe. We were healthy. We celebrated milestones and each of us matured in differing and important ways. We were blessed beyond anything we deserved, because really, do any of us actually deserve anything good? Our actions say "no", and grace covers that with an extravagant "yes!".

So I pause. I say thank you Jesus! I acknowledge that He sustained us through the completion of Dave's second degree. He Spoke to our hearts about what needed to be done to help our K when he began struggling with school this year. He supplied for our every need, and several of our wants, as we adjusted to some very tight financial changes. He took a dream and paved the way for us to run our own business. And when I am "working" I feel really alive. So yes, thank you. And wow. And such good, good things.

Two: It doesn't matter. I am fall-on-my-face grateful, don't get me wrong, but I would give any of it up in a heart beat if that is what He wanted.

And that is what this year is for me.

2013 is this new year, bursting with possibilities, as all new beginnings are.

And frankly this strange, and still rather foreign, part of my heart is whispering that it is also going to be a year of endings. A thousand deaths.  How awful and morose of me to speak like this, huh?

And how odd of me to be excited (and I can't lie, slightly terrified) about this.

Philippians 3 says it better than I can (obviously…)

⁷ I once thought these things were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done. ⁸ Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ ⁹ and become one with him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ.^[c] For God’s way of making us right with himself depends on faith. ¹⁰ I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death, ¹¹ so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead!

The education, the degree, the business, the feeling of being alive and adoring what I do, the richer and poorer, sickness and health - I give a nod to that and then say, "You all are temporal. Blessings for sure, but none of it matters in light of eternity".

On Sunday we were at church and the entire morning was one of much reflection. During our time of worship in song as well as our time of instruction from The Word, we talked about how God has blessed in 2012. We were asked to think of the ways in which God had blessed us. What were we thankful for? I shut my eyes and let the first subconscious, not sought out thoughts drift in.

Tearing down the white picket fences. 

Strange. What was that about?

But what was first a drifting of a thought began to be a full fledged prayer. Almost not even of my own doing, it flowed from my heart.

"Thank you God, that this past year you have taken the desire for the Perfect American Dream; the stable life, good job, comfortable living, safety - and replaced it with you. Just you."

And of all of the other things floating around in my mind that I could have fixed that prayer of thanks around, this is where it landed.
*********************************************************************************

2013: The year of torn down white picket fences. My heart leaps and adrenaline surges, because I still don't know what it all means. But God has me ready.

Wendi of previous years has most valued security, stability,  and safety. Some of it is just a normal tendency that most of us have. Alot of it was an unhealthy reaction to dealing with losing a child and scrambling for what felt safe and protective.

It's leaving me. All of it. I open my hands and say,"It's yours God, all of it. Pull the rug out from under me, because I know that you are there waiting to catch me!"

Along with my thankfulness in letting go of dreams and desires that are temporal, I am humbled and grateful to be on this journey, on the same page, and unified with the one who God has given me to share this temporary life with.

What would I do with out my David? He is God loving me, in so many ways. And we are together grasping each others hands and holding on tight for this ride.

Right now we have some prospects for perhaps a part of what this new calling could entail. Some of the heart changes over the past 18 months, some of the radical tearing away that has been happening, some of the scales coming of our eyes and the movement in our journey could be pointing us toward one of these prospects. Two main full time ministry paths are being explored. I would be lying through my teeth if I didn't admit that I have hopes and preferences concerning these things. Oh, I do. There are things that I am praying for. But overriding each prayer of what I want is a stronger prayer of "Oh God,  just keep us in your will, for the only place that I absolutely do NOT want to be is that dark and desolate place outside of your will and your presence."

May it be so. Your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

Some years I have had a "word for the year". It doesn't mean anything really, just a simple word; a thought to remind me of where God has me.

This year it's Reckless. Not a recklessness with what God has given me, for we are urged to be good stewards of the abundance with which we have been blessed - But a reckless abandonment of self. A reckless and radical cleaving to Jesus. A reckless sharing of the best news any one could ever hear, with no care for self. Loving recklessly. Giving recklessly. Letting go recklessly.

He says it better than I can.




Happy new year, friends!