31 years to get here

I have heard many a woman say that they began to finally feel "comfortable in their own skin" in their 30s. I think there is something to that.

Now, I am not one of those people who think that one's strength is found within themselves (as in - from themselves), because I strongly believe that my strength only comes from God. I am not one who feels that I need to "find myself", or any other combination of "we must love ourselves first" narcissism.

What I am saying is that I spent many long years battling an unhealthy lack of confidence. It was a malady that caused me to be stagnant in ministry and really hindered me from moving forward in several areas of my life.

There are certainly still threads of this insecurity/inadequacy/awkwardness that threaten my effectiveness in my daily life. But you know what? It's leaving me.

In 9 days I will be 31. Strange.

I feel so much like the excitement of entering my fourth decade was just days ago itself... but here we are.

I am at a place in my life where there is a new and exciting joy that has been growing within my heart. It has not been innate, but something that I have worked hard to nurture. Rephrasing: God has enabled me towards every ounce of nurturing this joy, which I know can only be found in him!

My friend Kristin recently loaned me the book, "Hinds Feet in High Places". In this Pilgrim's Progress-esque allegory the main character, Much Afraid, begins a journey towards the "High Places". She is so excited, and is under the impression that the "Chief Shepherd" will be going with her, in the flesh. He informs her that, although he will be with her, and she can call on him at any moment, he will be leaving her two guides who will assist her on this journey. She hopes her guides could have names like Peace, Joy... maybe something along those lines.

When he introduces her to her two guides, Sorrow & Suffering, she is very disappointed.


Annnnd at that point I almost put the book down.

a) Because I was disappointed as well
b) Because I had a sinking feeling that the book was going to go places I didn't want it to go
and c) Because sometimes truth hurts

As I continued through the story, cautiously reading each word, I could feel God's plan in having it in my hands.

Much Afraid began her journey, with these two unwanted guides, and stayed as far from them as she could. But then the way got much more difficult. When she got to a dangers precipice, she had to reach for their hands. As she drew nearer to sorrow and suffering, she could feel herself become stronger. They slowly began to be beautiful in her eyes. It took time, but they changed her.

There have been some things in my life that have caused me to have this floating question mark in my mind. I have glared at pain as if a worst enemy. But as I am reading this book, and as I read through the Bible chronologically, and as I devour other books and discover new songs this year, that question mark is being altered to look much more like a period, and instead of being an open ended, un-orderly wave in my brain, it is solidifying as a firm belief in my heart.

Yes, there has been pain in the past 31 years. Yes, my heart has felt rather shattered a time or two.

But more and more and more I am seeing it as unearthly beauty.

The process of pain,

sorrow,

humbling circumstances,

disappointments,

inadequacies,

grieving,

and losing myself

is what is at the very core of this confidence and joy.


I am getting to know my Savior more and more. This is how he works.

It may seem backward and strange.

It may make us want to throw books :) and go into a place called denial.

But alot of what He does is hard to wrap our minds around.


They were looking for a king and they got, what appeared to be a man who was born with cattle and livestock as his welcoming committee. 


Backward? It will seem that way to the world. But let His truth penetrate your heart.

It will produce joy that you never thought you could experience.


I can not wait to see where God takes me this year! There is nothing like being used by God.

Nothing.

I am looking up and telling Him I am ready.

Asking Him to use me.

Getting to know Him in a much more intimate way.

This is going to be an awesome year!

- And let me just say, I am so glad to have my laptop back so that I can blog through this next year and continue to use this as a means to remember the journey!

On life without the Internet

So, what does one do when they suddenly find themselves off line,

Unplugged,

Cut off,

Technology-less?


Well. . .

One big surprise: I'm not hating it.

I am missing some of the ways it connected me, and many of the ways it made my life easier.

But, I have also revived some old forgotten loves of mine...

Pen and paper.

Writing doesn't start and stop here. But for the past couple of years, for me, it has.

I had forgotten what it feels like to smooth out a crisp white piece of lined paper and feel my emotions pour out of the tip of that pen.

It's a good thing.

More personal.

Less restrictions.



Books.

Real books.

Paper back,

Hard back,

Binding,

That sweet, yet dusty smell that books have, whether they are old or new.

Yes, I had almost forgotten.


I have used a phone book for the first time in ages.

A real dictionary.
*wow*

Really??

Have I become so reliant on technology, that it has come to this?


:)

I smile.

I had imagined what it would be like to lose my old friend before; my trusty laptop.
I always shuddered at the thought.

Now it is as dead as a door nail, and strangely, I am relaxed and happy.

Will I welcome it back glady and eagerly, when it sports a new hard drive and is ready to be my yellow pages and pen and paper again? Of course I will! No question.

But, it will be put away sooner and forgotten easier. My notebook is beside me and is a new friend. I am already picking out the next book I want to read. I may get out the white and yellow pages, just for fun, next time I need a number.

And did you know you could actually pin things to a real board??

I'm not dead, my computer is.

So, remember in my last post, how I said that my computer was malfunctioning, but we were "fairly confident" that we could get it going again?

Well.... I'm sure you can figure out the verdict on that one. It couldn't be revived. For the first time in 10+ years I have been unplugged and off line *gasp*.

Dave finally suggested that I log on to the old' blog and just get it out there that I am not dead, my computer is. :)

Can't wait to write more about what I have been learning, post some photos, keep in touch with you all, update my photo a day blog, and all that fun stuff. But for now, I am pecking away on Caleb's little IPad touch screen and that is not real conducive to posting much. :) Plus, in a few minutes I will be packing the IPad away in his backpack (I feel compelled to put it out there, that we are SO not the kind of parents who give their 9 yr old an IPad. This is for him to become more independent in the classroom, and it has been so cool to watch him learn on it! It was only through Grandma and Grandpa's generosity that this was even possible. And I may be getting my Internet fix on it and feeling rather pathetic for it.)

So, until my computer gets figured out and fixed... Or I continue in the art of stealing educational venues from small children, all is well here!

{In over my head}

Oh whoa, wait, it's working!!

Okay, I'm going to blog as quickly as I can before this ahem (I don't swear, so I'm not putting a curse word right here) computer decides that it would prefer to completely malfunction... again.

For the past few days my laptop has been more stubborn than my 2 year old. That's saying alot.

Really people; a l o t.

So tonight and tomorrow this little buddy of mine is going to lose its memory. Last night, much like right now, it miraculously decided to cooperate, and worked for several hours as I backed everything up on external hard drive and cds. I now have everything saved, and we are beginning the process tonight of wiping everything off from it and restoring it to all default settings. Dave seems fairly confident that this will do the trick and have it working just about like new again. - I do hope. For as frustrated as it has caused me to be lately, we have been together for several years and we have really bonded.

Plus we really don't have the money to purchase another one. And the thought of no computer makes me twitch. Just a little.

This seems to be as good a time as any to make a small confession on the blog. Besides twitching if I don't have the use of a computer, I base my choice to buy facial tissue most often on how cute the box is, and if it would coordinate with the room I am putting it in.

Phew. Glad to get that off my chest. Really, I feel better now.

 

 (This one made the cut. That little bird? - adorbs)

There is a slight chance (in percentages, think high 90's) that this blog post may seem helter-skelter (did you know that was a real word? Dictionary.com says that it is, blogger says it is not. Dictionary.com, I'm siding with YOU). (Oh fine, blogger. I see you are going to be all fine with it and lovely again if I add a dash. There. See? Let's be friends now.)

I have a sinus infection. Writing it seems too insignificant. I want to call it some kind of an epic head squeazing fatal illness. But it's just these little recessed areas in our head which connect with our nasal passages. Sometimes they get infected. No biggie, right?  

Oh  My  Word. 

Big deal people. Big deal.

Never, never underestimate the power of sinuses.

When the doctor asked me how I was doing yesterday, I told it to him straight.

"I want to take a knife and cut half of my face off."

He was only slightly alarmed. 

It didn't take him long to diagnose after that. A few taps on my cheek bone and forehead, and my nearly jumping off the table was quite enough. 

So, I still have this awful pressure + antibiotics + anything I can find to dull the aching + coffee, and that may = helter-skelter. 

I feel like such a baby when it comes to these infected passages in my head. I've given birth to 5 babies. 3 of them without drugs. How can these little insignificant sinuses cause me fear they could be my ultimate demise?? 

Today is January 11th. That means that I will be 31 in one month. That feels strange. Thirty has been fun. I would even venture to say that it has been one of my best years yet. I've learned alot and gained some confidence. I feel like I am so much more comfortable in my own skin. Getting older really doesn't scare me one bit. 

Death by sinuses? yes.

A tissue box not matching? for sure.

My computer dying? you bet.

But not getting older. Bring it. 

Turning 31 means that I have had a nose stud for a year and I have had bangs for a year. I have photos, but have never posted them because I like my mom alot. I like her to have a healthy heart. - Oh, I should clarify; I am not talking about photos of me getting my bangs cut.

I'm increasing my hours at the Center for Women, through the winter, to 7 hours instead of 3.5. My first day with these new hours was intense. Alot went on in those 7 hours. I spent a good chunk of my time counseling with a young woman who was facing an unwanted pregnancy. My heart absolutely went out to her and her situation. I put myself where she was and faced her pain along side her.

She is going to be getting an ultra sound at our facility on Friday. I'm going to be next to her, holding her hand.

The fact is not lost on me that the very day after we recognize 9 years since our Joshua died, I will be in a small room with a woman who is contemplating taking the life of her unborn child.

It's not lost on me at all.

{I'm in over my head. I'm right where I want to be.}

Those are lyrics to a song. I haven't heard it in ages, but as I was coming home from working Monday night, and in a very introspective mood, that song came on my radio. Wow. Perfect.

Everything about what I do at the Center can seem over my head. And I'm right where I want to be. For the irony of the situation that I will face this week, it couldn't feel more right.

I will be in that room. I will love on that woman. With the help of our amazing ultrasonographer, I will tell her and show her the truth. I will respect her as a woman, and I will clearly let her know that the choice is hers. And then, somehow, I will surrender the whole situation, as I have done time and again in the 4 years that I have worked there.

This is what God has done for me there: (This is cool. I like it) Every time that I have been in a counseling room with an abortion minded woman, I have suddenly detached from the heart that beats inside of me; the one that has faced losing a child and grieved him each moment since.

That knowledge and tension leaves me, if only for an hour or so, while I look into their eyes and find the deepest compassion in that same heart. It has never once crossed my mind while I discuss the choice they face, their child, and the life and death situation at hand, with them.

I believe it is there in another form, articulating my thoughts and pushing my actions, but not in a conscious way. If it seeped in, I fear I would lose the empathy and compassion that I am able to find deep within. 

I think of it later. When they have left. When I go into the office and close the door. when I slide down the wall until I feel the security of the floor beneath. When I press my palm against my forehead and just pray. That's when it begins to enter my psyche.

I think of it in the merging of lights shining into the darkness on my 20 minute drive home. I think of it when I slip into bed alone and wait for Dave to finish class and hold me tight.

"Wow, you are considering ending the life of your child when I would have given anything, just anything, to simply have a glimpse of mine again?"  

And it goes as quickly as it came in. Because this isn't about me at all. And next time I see her, if she chooses to come back, The Thought is the furthest thing from my mind.

I am thankful. And I see it for the miracle that it is.

If you think of it, I would love to know that some of you are covering this situation in prayer on Friday afternoon. The ultrasound is at 2:00 eastern time.

Last night Dave had his weekly accountability meeting and I decided that I was going to tackle baths for all the boys + homework for the older two + awana work for the older 3. Simple right? - Well, if sinus  infections are insignificant, then yes. *wink*

I had to smile, because as I was in between math with Jay, and switching Noe with K in the tub, the song began playing in my overly pressurized head again. -And really, at that point my head was hurting so bad. I was dizzy-ish and foggy headed, but knew I still had to function as a mom.

"I'm in over my head (throb throb); I'm right where I want to be."

Yes. I am in over my head in alot of situations in my life.

I'm exactly where I want to be.

Sometimes that isn't my first thought, and there are times that I think I am NOT where I want to be. It's too hard, too much, too painful, too stretching.

But something tells me that if that were to change, then the active and living Holy Spirit within me would make me so discontented; so done with comfort and "normal".

That's not what I am here for.

Guess what has cheered this throbbing headed, somewhat weighted hearted mama lately?

-Just a simple message on a little chalkboard. Well, simple in the same way that awana work, homework, and baths for 4 boys all in a couple hours time is simple. -And sinus infections are insignificant. :)

It amazes me how simply walking past that several times a day, and reading the words truly lifts my spirits. I have so much to be grateful for!

Yes, I stole it from Pinterest. Some day when my head isn't about to explode and my eyes aren't threatening to close, and my computer isn't on the verge of death, I will tell you how I try to not say the word "Pinterest" much in our home anymore. Pretty much every cool thing I have done lately; crafting with the boys, fun cute snacks, new recipes, photo ideas, chalkboard messages, have ALL come from - That Website - and Dave is at the point of rolling his eyes whenever he hears it. ;) But really, that message is from THE BIBLE! I didn't steal it, THEY did. So... Hmmph.

Okay, time to end this and seek some rest while it can be found. Windows of rest are so rare and small around these parts.

But I'm right where I want to be. :)