Lessons learned from a dreaded moment

I knew it would happen - probably at least once, and I wasn't looking forward to handling it. Now that I've done it once I feel some what empowered, still not looking forward to doing it again. I'm talking about the moment when some one would ask me about the baby, oblivious to our loss and all that has transpired in the past month. I have been doing well. My life is very busy right now. I don't have alot of time to feel sorry for myself. :) There's not alot of reflective quiet in my day. I knew if a comment was made to me about the baby, under the assumption that I was still pregnant, that busyness which is in some ways self preserving, would come to a screeching halt and I would have to face unpleasantness. I took K to physical and occupational therapy a couple of weeks ago and the sweet lady who works with him approached me with a big smile and these words, "I just found out you were expecting another one! Congratulations, oh that is so wonderful, but boy will you have your hands full, I mean look at you now...." She was very wordy and very enthusiastic. For one instant I felt a bit of panic rising up, almost choking me. This was three days after my D & C. I not only just plain didn't want to go there, I knew she would feel awful once the truth came out. So I made a a quick decision and simply said "No, actually I'm not not pregnant." It was the truth, and the best way I could see to handle the situation quickly and with the least amount of pain as possible for both of us. Ah, but the sweet lady did not take the life preserver I had thrown out to her. She was very determined. She was just sure that some one had told her I was pregnant and she could swear it really was me they were talking about and she usually remembers these things quite well and, and... So, I finally had to speak up. I tried to do it as gently and low key as possible. I simply told her that we had lost a baby a couple of weeks ago. Their was some awkward stuttering and I steered the conversation in a different direction. This may not have been the only time in which I will encounter this type of situation. We told alot of people about the pregnancy, and have not been able to 'untell' every one yet. I will just take it as it comes. Now that I have dealt with the dreaded conversation once, the other times will be easier to handle. It was hard. I fought back tears. I have been doing really well, but have been moving on. Facing it head on again was tough, but manageable. I'm so thankful for each circumstance which forces me to deal with this the way I need to. As hard as these situations may be, they have been an important part of the healing. I praise God for bringing me up yet another rung in the ladder of healing, faith, and maturity. I believe that God is slowing me down in my hurry to just be done with all of this so that I will go through the proper steps of dealing with it in a healthy way. I tend to lean towards a denial and "every thing is fine" way of coping. :) But I have to go through this. What happened can't be forgotten or denied. As I was looking through some of my blog archives the other day, looking for something completely unrelated, I saw this and this and had to pause to compose myself. I have follow up appointments and blood tests. I have memories and moments of longing. My pregnancy hormones have yet to even out. Until this happens I will continue to have a series of blood tests and doctor appointments - reminders. Stepping stones.

update

Can relief and sadness really mingle? Right now for me they seem to be sharing space in my emotions. Today was my ultra sound and with it came clarification. As was originally suspected, life has ceased for our baby. Although there were very difficult elements about this afternoon, our prayer was for confirmation. It was answered. The past two weeks spent wondering have taken such a toll. I am scheduled for outpatient surgery (D&C) Monday afternoon at 3:30. Thanks for holding us up at this time. My body is so tired. Hy heart does ache. I can not think much beyond this moment. But there is joy. I'm not just saying that. I know I'm going to be okay. I know that this whole experience was not in vain. It will be worth something in my life. As with every experience I have had which has taken much patience and endurance to get through, I have been changed through it. A tough change. A good change. Baby B, We are affectionately referring to you by a name that makes us laugh. It has to do with your very beginning and it’s an amusing little story which will not be told. I loved you from the minute I knew about you. Some may think it strange that so many dreams were already playing in the theater of our minds for you. That you were so real to us already. But you were and are. You are now a piece of our family tapestry. You are a special piece. An important piece. I know so little about the unseen. Heaven. I know that when I am in the presence of Jesus every thing else will fade in comparison and nothing will matter except Him. I do like to think that you are with your brother though… I like to imagine our J.D. and baby B sitting on Jesus’ lap together. I love that I have had the privilege of adoring 5 babies, growing inside of me, from the time I knew they existed. I grieve that I will not be able to tangibly experience 2 of those children. Your life was so very short, yet it was special for all of us. I’m glad for your life. I’m glad for the things you are teaching me. Would you have had the deep blue eyes of your daddy and two of your brothers, or the hazel eyes that mommy, K and J.D. were given? We don’t even know if you were a boy or a girl. These are some of the things that are causing my mommy heart to feel heavy right now I longed to touch your soft skin, see your sweet face. I will not be given that gift, but do you know what? You have helped me to love your brothers even more. They are so special. I appreciate the gift of their lives with a heightened awareness. Thank you for that, little one. When I see you in heaven I think I will know you. I will hold you tight and sing to you. All of the special songs that I have sang to each of my babies time and again. The songs that I will miss singing to you while here on earth. As time moves on thoughts of you will probably be occasional and the ache of our loss will fade a bit. Every now and then we will think of you and we may shed a few more tears at the thought of not having you in our arms. Until then, sweet little one, you will forever be a part of this family. We will never forget. ~Mommy

The one where I'm not really sure what to say...

Hi friends. I have no clue what to say to all of you wonderful people. I'm attempting a post because people have inquired and I know so many of you really care. That means alot. Here's me in a nutshell right now: Living moment by moment. Feeling a bit like I'm living in a fog. Functioning. Thankful to be able to meet the basic needs of the fam. Not even close to meeting any thing beyond basic needs. Biding my time until my appointment on Friday. Really not sure how every thing will play out on Friday. Longing for this tough chapter to be over. Feeling like I have very little control over my own body. Very tired. Not sleeping more than a few hours each night. Humbled (humiliated?) by the lack of control over my emotions which I have been displaying. Lost it in our Sunday school class at church Sunday morning (It wasn't pretty). Started crying at 5:30 this morning, couldn't stop. Fortunately I have been able to turn the water works off since getting the boys up. Not consciencely worried or desperately sad about any one thing, just having a hard time controlling those crazy emotions. Can I blame it on the hormones? Let's just say yes. Knowing how desperately I need the comfort of my Heavenly Father. Feeling distant and disconnected from Him. Knowing He doesn't change, feeling guilty that it must be me. Wanting to be myself again. Hoping soon I will be even better than I was before. Knowing God is faithful. Trying to focus on what He has already brought us through. I may not post again until after my appointment on Friday. I can't get my mind around much more than what is going on with this pregnancy. Thanks to every one for their sweetness and care as I struggle through this. Today I will do my laundry, keep the house looking decent, go to town and do a cleaning job, take the boys out for a fun supper, go to Dave's game, paste on a smile. These sweet little boys need their mama. I will muster all of the mommy strength that I can to be what they need me to be. Looking forward to better days...

Christian Scene Investigation - Bible memory division

Try not to be too jealous. We can't all have the glamour that is being a CSI agent.

Hmmm...if you can call water colors, packing peanuts, noise, chaos, laundry soap, and 80 kids glamour. :) The laundry soap written Bible verse under a black light was actually super cool, but honestly this is alot more about reaching kids and getting God's Word to be real to them then any type of glamour. Sara and I just happen to be hot mamas in our custom made CSI uniforms. Welcome to my week helping at our church's VBS.

This has been a great distraction for me. And I have needed to be distracted. This has also been an opportunity to learn right along with the kids. The Bible verse that we are drilling into their heads this weeks is Ephesians 4:1, 2 "So I am asking you to live a life worthy of what God has chose you for. Do not be proud at all. Be completely gentle. Be patient. Put up with one another in love. The Holy Spirit makes you one in every way."

Two nights ago we were focusing on the Be patient portion. As Sara explained patience to the kids I nearly teared up. The truth was being laid upon my heart at the same time that the kids were learning.

Sometimes we have seasons in our lives that are just hard. We don't have alot of answers and patience seems like an unattainable concept. But through God's grace, it is available to us. We have to plug in to the abundance that he gives us to put it into practice, but it is there. Patience has always been a tough one for me. I cringe to think of myself as an instant gratification type of a gal, but I suppose that could be an accurate description. When the goal is in sight, why should we wait for it? :) God has shown me many reasons why. I don't have to like them, but obedience would be a wise step.

I'm not exactly sure how to put this tactfully, discreetly, and briefly, but I shall try. After my ultra sound ten days ago, and no evidence of the baby's heart beat, my doctors fully expected in the days following that my body would naturally clear the baby out. It has not. Let me tell you friends, this has been agonizing for me. Continuing to carry the child with whom there has been given no hope for life has been one of the darkest places I have found myself in a while. I have struggled with a gamut of emotions. In the midst of it I have felt greatly comforted. It is still hard. My body had very quickly gone into pregnancy mode this time around. The belly bulge that brought a smile two weeks ago is still there, reminding me. I feel disgusted when I get dressed each morning. The reason for my growing body which brought us so much joy is gone. But it lingers.

I underwent a second round of lab work. My pregnancy hormone level has gone up. Not even close to what the number would need to be to support a live baby, but the expectation of my doctors was that the levels would be the same, or begin a down trend. Needless to say, my brain feels a bit fried at this point. This whole process is difficult enough to go through with out the unexpected thrown in there. My doctor ordered a second ultra sound. They can't get me in until Friday the 27th. Can some body say patience? Ha!

I am trying to respond in surrender and trust. This could all come to a close naturally in the next few days. Whatever is going on is not a secret to the one who orchestrated my steps while I was still being formed. He knows. I do not have to strive to get my mind around the reasons for any of this. I long for a peaceful acceptance.

Please keep us in your prayers as I try to embrace my life, my boys, my responsibilities, at a time where I struggle to put one foot in front of the other. In the past week I have driven into town for appointments twice only to be told I was a day off. At least they were two different appointments. :) Seriously, I have not been myself. I'm doing okay, I just struggle to make decisions and initiate what needs to be done with out some one spelling it our for me. Not a great position to be in when you are responsible for three little ones and the efficient running of a household. :) One of my biggest prayers right now is that I will calm the tumultuous distraction that rages inside and will model peace and love to my family as well as others I come in contact with. Unfortunately my frustration level is pretty much paper thin and those I love the most have been getting the brunt of it. Not at all what I want. Taking every thought captive and putting some good old fashioned self control into practice is my goal. God knew that being a CSI agent was the right job for me this week...

The one I didn't want to write

I don't want to write this one. I loved the peace I had Monday and Tuesday. The peace that started to waver by Wednesday. I want to write of sweet friends and family thankfulness. I want to write of my faith - the strength I have in the Lord. Above all else, I want to be - I need to be real. My fear of being real today is that I will mar my testimony. That the encouragement I long to be for others will cease. I have had so many beautiful comments come my way. People commenting on my faith, peace, love, thankfulness. I want to show that side and not this one. At the same time, I know I can't only show the settled. Because this is real life and my goal is to be authentic in my journey, I must open this chapter to you as well. Because today my testimony is not one of a peaceful acceptance, but hanging on to a tumultuous faith by a single thread It is very likely a typical step in this process to reach a point where it's just hard. I can see a natural progression of emotions. For me it looked like surprise, grief, disappointment, acceptance, love, sadness, peace - and then a few days later some other things begin to arise. Confusion, frustration, denial, difficulty coping with any kind of rough patch in other areas of my life. Most of you have read about Tuesday. How my sweet husband took the day off from work and we spent time as a family. It was special and affirming. My heart was very full. It can not be like that every day. Wednesday I woke up faced with all of the normal responsibilities of running a house hold and caring for a family. I put one foot in front of the other for a few hours. Some where in the late morning I began to feel so weary that I could hardly function. The boys got fed, diapers were changed. That's about it. Laundry piled up, dirty dishes were visibly multiplying. The obviously unkempt home only added to my discouragement. "I'm a terrible mother. Why can't I do this? What is wrong with me? My poor boys. I have to get myself normal again!" Were the thoughts that seemed to be rattling around in my scattered brain. My prayers have been random and strewn haphazardly through out my day. I have been so forgetful and - just off. Sometimes I even forget... I will start to say some thing about the baby and then truth hits with its unkind certainty. Wednesday night the reality of what I was feeling hit me head on. It wasn't about the baby any more. I grieve the baby. We furrow our brow at the thought of having conceived 5 children only to parent 3. It hurts. But I began to realize that the hardest part for me, two days after finding out there was no heart beat, was the complete lack of my own control over the situation. Fortunately the likelihood of me having a part in the loss of our baby is next to none. But I wrestle with the fact that I can not do any thing to make it all better. This is a very helpless feeling. Previous to this weeks unfortunate events I was dealing with a few other issues which required a great deal of relying of God. Things that I have had no control over in the past, and some that I continue to have no control over, have been causing some anxiety and creeping in to haunt me. I never knew until about a year ago what a control (freak) person I am. :) I've always fancied myself as rather laid back, not a real leader type, therefore not into control. Some respected and influential people in my life began pointing out that having a need for control will often look different than you expect. It did in my life. It was the over mothering of my K, the worry and insecurities with Dave, the constant watching of Jay and Noe, the inability to let my walls down and get really close to people. It was me subconsciously saying, "If I make the rules, set the boundaries, and keep every thing neat and tidy - very in control - than nothing and no one can harm me." Only life doesn't look like that, doesn't work like that, and really isn't enjoyable like that. Life can not be this neat and tidy organized and labeled system. It's just not. Sometimes it isn't pretty. At all. And we can't make sense of it. At all. Some times we have no idea what just happened or what will happen next. And that makes me panic. And that is some thing I don't want to admit. I remember the helpless feeling of holding J.D. the day he died. The doctors had performed surgery. The high frequency ventilator was turned up as much as it could be. Every thing was being done for him that was medically possible. I was his mother and I couldn't do any thing to make it all better. Nothing. I do not believe that God caused me to lose J.D. or this baby. I do believe,however, that he now has the powerful ability to use these circumstances to bring about much needed changes in my life. He sees the way I desperately seek control in so many areas of my life. How resistant to dependence I am. He sees the self protecting that I do. He knows - and in my heart I know - that if I were put in charge, things would be really messed up really quickly... :) And he says, "You need to let go. Let me lead. Can't you see that I will protect you? Quit trying to do this on your own! You will only frustrate your self. Putting me in control will not guarantee that you won't get hurt, but it guarantees that you will be okay. I will always be with you. Slow down, stop trying too hard. Trust." And I find myself reduced to those feelings of helplessness that will ultimately bring the kind of complete reliance that I need. Ouch. It hurts and it's hard. But I think it is necessary to be here. This is what finally grounded me Wednesday night. I was leaving a meeting at church and my pastor stopped to talk to me for a few minutes. I had tried to sneak away before any one could talk to me, but couldn't quite do it. :) He asked how I was doing and I responded honestly, "unstable". :) I explained to him the feelings that were torturing me. Feelings of a panicky helplessness. He listened attentively, then after a pause spoke the words that seemed to take my flighty panic and bring me back to a steady place. "Wendi, I think this is going to be a really good time for you to step back and think about what it really means to be completely dependant on God." And so begins something that I have needed to do for years, but have resisted with a strength I didn't know I possessed.

And the sweetness continues...

I never expected this kind of a response and out pouring of love. These sweet, lovely ladies have made me nearly speechless. Check out what they have done for us. My friend Elizabeth posted about our recent heartbreak here, and her cousin Christina, now a dear blogging friend as well, also posted here. These women have been an encouragement many times. Although this is an amazing gesture of love, Elizabeth and Christina were phenomenal ladies in my book long before they set out to bless me in this way. God's love shines through them beautifully.

My friends bless my flip flops off

Under the circumstances this will sound like a strange thing to say, but yesterday was nearly perfect. Yes, I broke down in tears at some pretty interesting times. Yes, every now and then I felt the urge to get in my bed and stay there. But more than any thing I was overwhelmed by love. Overwhelmed, like seriously bowled over, can't believe it, blessed the socks right off me (except that sock just aren't a part of my summer wardrobe at all) encouraged. Shortly after I posted Monday and e-mailed several people, my inbox was flooded with e-mails. It meant the world to me. I felt strange at first, being so open with our news when I know so many who seem to handle their own loss so gracefully, quietly. But that's not me. And this was me saying, "I hurt, I need some love." And I just got so much love! It was what I needed and I feel my heart healing and thriving because of that love. And then there are my four guys. Tears come to my eyes at the thought of them. Dave was beyond intuitive and caring yesterday. He acted in a way which could only be categorized as nurturing gentleness. His eyes spoke of such a deep thoughtfulness and his actions were exactly what I needed when I needed it. How did he know? He just got it. He knew that pancakes were the comfort breakfast of choice. :) He knew that the clutter around the house was making me a bit obsessed and unsettled. He quietly picked every thing up. He knew I just needed to be away for a while. He got the boys all ready and we set out for the zoo. He knew I just needed to feed a giraffe. Ever get that urge? Some times you just have to feed a giraffe... Dave's initiative was amazing and so very helpful. He dealt with the boys little squabbles and met each need that I am so accustom to handling. Because of that I feel ready to handle the tasks ahead of me again today. The enormity of the blessings in my life hit me full force as we rode the tram at the zoo. I looked across the bench seat that accommodated my family and saw them all through eyes of appreciation for what God has given to me. So much more than I could ever have imagined! There was Dave with one hand on K and the other arm draped across the back of the bench so that he could be touching me, his eyes found mine every few minutes. K sat next to his daddy. His giggles were far reaching and I saw many around us smile upon hearing the sound. Jay sat in the tram with wide eyes. He took every thing in with enthusiasm. His questions were constant and brought many smiles as we answered the ones we could and kind of improvised for the rest. :) My lap was Noe's little spot and he held tightly to my finger. His other hand provided security in the form of a thumb stuck in his mouth. Every now and then he would let out the cutest little "ohhhh!" as the tram drove up hills and past much foliage. I just took that scene in and the tears came. It was a different kind of tears than the ones I had been experiencing. These were of a truly thankful nature. "God, I hardly feel like I deserve all of this. It's just beautiful! Thank you!" was the cry of my heart. Dave also knew that it would be a good thing for me to just be alone for a while. He called his mom and asked if she could watch the boys for a a few hours yesterday evening. She was tired form hours of strawberry picking and still had much work ahead of her. She dropped every thing and came. It was just what I needed, and she met that need with a mother's love. I had a few things to do in town, then had some time to go to the mall and just be. I did not buy the amazingly classy $75 shoes. :) I knew it was the temptation to find solace in retail therapy. Just not smart for me right now. :) I met Dave at his soft ball game and enjoyed the relaxation of sitting with a few of my friends. Just being there, acting some what normal (People wouldn't know who I was if I actually acted 'normal'). God has gifted me with really great friends. I received the hugs I needed and they too were just a balm for my broken heart. Through out the day my phone rang many times. Friends called. They didn't try to fix it. They just spoke of their sympathy and offered their love. Do you guys know what you do for me? How much it means to me? I don't think so, because I can't find the words to to even begin to express the gratitude. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. We still have hard stuff to handle. I try not to dwell on the unknowns. That which is no longer thriving with life has yet to detach from my body. My body still thinks I am pregnant. There seems to be an internal confusion. I do not feel any different physically than I have been feeling for weeks. My blood test showed the pregnancy hormones at a very high level. And yet, I know... That is why I cried near the cosmetic counter at a favorite store in the mall. That is why my words felt flat as some one asked me how I was doing today and I said "fine". My mouth was dry and my eyes teard up. They didn't really want to know, but it sounded so fake ringing in my ears. That is why I broke down at the stop light on my way to the game. Not little tears making a path down my cheeks, more like unattractive sounding gulps and sobs - mascara making black marks on my face. Really pretty! Oh well, some of the guys paint their faces for the game. They just think I'm a super devoted fan. This is why your prayers continue to mean so much to me. My emotions are rather inconsistent and unpredictable right now. One minute I am expecting to be sad and cry, and I actually handle every thing just fine, the next I am breaking down at a really inconvenient time for a really unrelated reason. Thanks for the love! God bless all of you tons and tons.

And yet will I praise Him

My fingers are shaking a bit as I begin what I know will be a hard post to write. Today in the very same ultra sound room where I found out all was not well with my first pregnancy I, once again, received news I didn't want to hear. There is no indication of a heart beat. The evidence points strongly to the fact that this pregnancy has ended. Just like that. One minute we are dreaming of our baby, already thinking about names, putting in a humble request for pink dresses and bows, knowing either gender would multiply the love and laughter in our home, the next moment we try to fathom the fact that there will be no new baby next January. I feel so weary. I am really sad. I have such a sense of disappointment. But underscoring every thing is this immense peace, that I can not explain to you. Philippians 4:7 "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." My heart feels a raw ache. My heart and mind are also being guarded - kept safe and comforted- and I can feel it with every fiber of my being. I have to go through a series of blood tests to confirm things, but at this point It seems quite evident that the news is not what we would prefer. Was it just a coincidence that the only Dr. available to see me today was the one who I know is a Christian? That he prayed a heart felt prayer with me after the ultra sound? No. Neither was it coincidence that I read this post, on Becoming Me, just days ago. It touched me deeply then and offers an "I've been there" understanding now. This is what I'm talking about. It hurts, but there is too much evidence of God's hand and His comfort to ignore. It grounds me in the truth. The truth that bad things happen, babies die, but God is good. I will stand on that truth till the day I die. I will not be moved. The tough things in life are inevitable. Friends, I can face them because the peace that fills my life is real. The one who holds my future, the creator of the universe, and the one who creates life -who gives and takes away, is faithful. As I walked through the cold hallway in the hospital I prayed a simple trying-to-make-it-through-the-moment prayer; "God, please just keep the lab tech from asking any questions." I could hardly comprehend what was going on and didn't even know what to pray for, but I repeated that prayer over and over. The tech who did my blood draw was tired and rather detached. She spoke of the overly hot and humid weather and her children's soccer game which she had attended yesterday. She never once asked why I was there, or any thing else for that matter. For that one little detail I was so very thankful. I held it together during the exam, the ultra sound, the hug and prayer. I cried when I called Dave, but I knew I had to stuff the emotions to make it through the blood draw - and I did. I sobbed when I made it home and immediately into the arms of the one who has gone through so much with me already. My safe place. His arms are my shelter from that which I can not get my mind around. He is my safe place. We reluctantly find ourselves in a, somewhat, familiar place and it compels us closer together. The boys had alot of questions and Jay is in the midst of learning the things that are appropriate to say and those which are -well, just really not. :) Fortunately as mothers I think we have a special grace for our children's lack of tact. :) It is a good teaching opportunity. They know we are very sad, but they are also aware of our peace and our faith. My doctor warned me that the next few months could be difficult as conflicting hormones surge through my body. I also wait with dread some of the things which are yet to come. We now have a pretty strong indication that the pregnancy is over, but we must wait for the unpleasant ending to this unbidden chapter in our life. So many have been through this. They face it bravely and, most of them even silently. Dave and I tend to tell people our good news as soon as we find out about a pregnancy, so we now are in a position which requires us to share this news. I am actually glad that we were open with our early pregnancy, because now I have the freedom to call on all of you to hold me up as I face this heart break. Had I not told you all of our pregnancy, I would probably not be able to bare my heart to you now. I do know how to be fake - I can do that well. I could pretend that all was well, but it would really be wounding me inside. And I need you all. I need you to know that I loved this baby. That I feel empty right now. I need to know that my friends understand that and they are praying for me. I don't need any one to justify it or give me pat answers or cliches. I just need your love and understanding. I am so blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. I am holding my boys tightly tonight. A few hours ago in that childish wisdom, which all of us have marveled at in our children at one time or another, Jay scooted Noe towards me. He said, "Mom, I know your sad about our baby, but are you happy about this baby? Here's your baby mom." So, with tears in my eyes I thanked Jay and I scooped up my baby. My sweet Noe who is all too quickly transforming into toddler hood. He smelled so sweetly. For once he actually let me hold him tight. Lately he has been so eager to be on the go that He doesn't have much time for cuddling with mom any more. What a sweet moment when he laid his head on my chest and was just still. So tonight I plan to emulate Noe's calm surrender. "The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save, He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." And I will cry. And I will let myself feel all of the feelings that I must. My Dave will stay home with me tomorrow and for that I am so thankful. I told him he didn't have to take the day off - there isn't really any thing he can do. But he had made his mind up. I hadn't realized the extent to which I needed him until I felt that deep sense of relief knowing he will be here. Just having a momentary break from the daily responsibilities that are so constant right now will surely refresh me. *Update* I just got off the phone with my Dr. and he let me know that there is no need for me to go back for a follow up blood test. The test from today confirmed what we suspected. Again, your prayers are so appreciated as we continue to process this and go from here.