The one where I say the words I have been hoping to...

I am going to have a baby tomorrow. :) Amnio results came back confirming that Malachi's lungs are completely developed. I am going in to the hospital at 8 am (Wednesday morning) and my doctor is going to break my water. Wow. I'm excited and nervous and just so amazed that we are finally going to meet him!! I would so appreciate your prayers still. I thought Malachi had turned Sunday night, to be in the right position, but after last nights back labor pains I really do not think that was the case. I have heard that having a posterior baby can make for a long hard labor. Please pray he turns in the night or during labor and that all goes well. And join me in thanking God for his perfect timing. Next time I post it will hopefully be pictures of our newest little guy. :)

The one where I spare you from the details of a long sharp needle piercing through my body...

Just a quick update on the happenings of our family. Seriously - I am so not used to such drama as we have had this week! Dave and I looked at each other this afternoon and were trying to figure out what day/date it was. - It took us a while. :) Tuesday the 13th, Tuesday the 13th... Ah - but yes, if Dave and I looked at each other this afternoon than that tells you my first bit of news - he is home!!! :) Oh how I missed that man. He is such a strong support to me that having him by my side is just what I need right now! K is still obviously fighting off the virus as he continues to be a lot sleepier than normal and not his normal perky self. However, he is much improved form Sunday and Monday and I was very relieved when he asked me for something to eat a few hours ago! I love how he asks - I sure missed that little bug too!! He said "Mom, shall I have something to eat?" And I said, "Why yes you shall K. What can I get for you?" And he said "Shall you make me some toast with lots of Cinnamon mom?" "I shall my dear!" :) He ate up those two pieces of toast quickly and had some ice water. I will likely keep him home from school for a few days - maybe the rest of the week. I went to see my doctor today. My doctor was out of town when I was in the hospital Sat. night and Sunday. I had a routine appointment with her for tomorrow and switched it to today so that I could have her check me and so we could discuss a plan. I continue to have quite a bit of back "labor" - although I don't know if you can call it that if it is accomplishing nothing. I am still 6-7 cm. I have been struggling with knowing how far progressed I am, yet being stalled out, having the pain, not sleeping well, and wondering if when it does kick in it will be really super fast. We live about 25 minutes form the hospital and well - it's just all a little stressful to think about. My doctor continues to be concerned about the baby's lung development. I will be 38 weeks on Friday. She understands my situation and does sympathize, but feels like the risk of breaking my water or any kind of inducing is just too high with me still being 2 1/2 weeks from my due date. This afternoon we opted to do an amniocenteses to check on baby's lung development. That is kind of a whole blog post in itself - but in the end I was glad we did it. I have not heard the results back yet and am assuming at this point it will be tomorrow before I know any thing. Apparently this is a very accurate test and we will know if he is ready to be born or not. If his lungs are, indeed, developed than my doctor will break my water - maybe even as soon as tomorrow. So, I am trying to be patient as I wait. I am tired and my back is sore, but I do have so much to be thankful for! Right now the top of my list is that two of my favorite guys are home and I am going to go spend some much needed time with them!!

Er... I mean yep...or...nope.. or somthin...

*Second update* It appears that K just has a virus. His CT scan came back showing normal sized ventricles in his brain - praise the Lord! There is still some concern though because he is really not acting like himself at all, plus he has a high heart rate, blood pressure and white cell count. He is obviously not feeling well, but we are very relieved that it doesn't seem to be the shunt. As for me: still at the hospital, contractions are pretty consistent at 5 minutes now - still not accomplishing anything. I am beginning to suspect that I may end up back at home for a few days before we meet Malachi. Thank you so much for your prayers!! *UPDATED TO ADD* please pray for Dave and K as they head to a hospital about an hour and a half from the one I am at. K has been showing some signs of shunt malfunction. This could be the flu or something else, but with K, we always just get the shunt checked out no matter what. It's not easy for Dave, he feels rather torn right now. My contractions started back up - three minutes apart - but I am still stuck at 6. Trying to just trust. I know that all of this is no surprise to God and he holds it all in his hands... original post: I don't know how this will all end up - but I'm hoping with a baby and I'm hoping sooner rather than later... I started having much more intense contractions and came in to the hospital around 11:30 last night (Saturday). I was 5 cm dilated. Things progressed nicely for about 4 hours - I got to 6 (could be stretched to a 7) and then every thing stopped. Since I am only 37 weeks The doctor on call would not intervene in any way (I asked him to break my water...). None of us were real comfortable with me going home either - so here I sit. I have been here for 13 hours. I am now having alot of back labor and still stuck at a 6. It seems that the baby is in the wrong position (He is still head down, but he is facing up and pushing up against the back) therefore causing alot of contractions in my back and little to no progress. I haven't slept in ...I'm not sure how long, but a very long time. :) I am going to try to take a nap in a minute. Needless to say - this is frustrating for me. I would so appreciate your prayers. I have to decide tonight, if nothing is happening, whether I want to go home or not. They are leaving that up to me. We are about 25-30 minutes from the hospital, so we are a bit uncomfortable to have me leave the hospital dilated to almost 7 cm. At the same time, if labor is really stopped completely, hanging out at the hospital for an indefinite amount of time doesn't appeal to me. I'm so very thankful for my dear husband (Who is also very tired right now!) and wonderful friend Jasmine for their support through out the night and morning. Also for my mother in law for staying with the boys. Dave is headed home now and we are hoping I will get some much needed rest. Thanks friends. I'll update when I can.

Nope...

Just because I have gotten several inquiries lately - No, I am not in labor. :) This past week brought some pretty good contractions a couple of times, but they always died out after a couple of hours. My routine doctor appointment is always on Wednesdays. This Wednesday I found out I was 3 cm dilated and 80% effaced. Baby is still very low, in a zero station, engaged, and in perfect position for birth. But as of right now, still nothing. I am 37 weeks - and considered full term at this point. Trying to be patient. Trying not to get really annoyed at the inconsistent, but sometimes quite intense contractions that steal my sleep and keep me wondering. I wouldn't mind going these final 3 weeks - I just wish every thing would stop if that is going to be the case. So, in the mean time we will make pumpkin cookies, take a bazillion pictures of fall leaves, put the finishes touches into our bedroom, go on a hayride, pick some pumpkins, have some sweet little boy cuddling, make home made pizza, set up the bassinet in our room, spend a laid back weekend together as a family and enjoy this wonderful time of year. I will most definitely let you all know when any thing changes. :)

{36 weeks}

In all of my pregnancies it has been this highly spoken of goal; 36 weeks. "If we can just get you to 36 weeks it will be safe!" I heard it when I started having pre term labor issues with the twins. No one knew how imminent labor and delivery was. Soon we were saying, "If we could only get to 28 weeks..." But we didn't even make that. With my next pregnancy we had a plan of attack. Progesterone shots starting at week 16, medication around the clock starting at 19 weeks, and slowing way down in the middle of my second trimester. -All to just get me to 36 weeks. I made it to 37. The next time around we did things very similar, but with less restrictions. -Hoping for at least 36 weeks. I made it to 38. Here we are again. Even though I know that the longer I go the better, there is still significant relief in this milestone. 36 complete weeks. Things have been pretty calm - I've had a couple of nights where I could not sleep due to contractions, but so far I am still just 2-3 cm and 75-80% effaced. It's hard to express the thankfulness I feel Knowing that it is God who has sustained this pregnancy. God who has given me the best pregnancy I have ever had with no complications. God who has helped me get this close to full term. We are amazed. We are over joyed. We are nearly giddy. We know we will meet him soon and we can't stop smiling. Oh - and we slept in here last night. Technically it isn't completely done, we haven't really moved our furniture in yet, the closet needs doors still, but we wanted to camp out any way. :) Do you remember my vision? It has been surpassed. I still have decorating to do - and I was going to wait to show pictures of the room until every thing was completely done - with shelves and pictures on the wall and every thing, but I couldn't help myself. :) It is truly the peaceful oasis that we set out to create. Oh my goodness, I can not believe how amazing it is to walk into this room, shut the door, and immediately begin to feel relaxed. One of the things that means the most to me is that Dave did it all. He did this for me, he did this for us, he worked tirelessly for hours, days, weeks, yes, now I can even say months, on end. It is so special to us!

Intricate {pre-born} design

You shaped me first inside, then out:

You formed me in my mother's womb

I thank you high God - you are breathtaking!

Body and soul, I am marvelously made!

I worship in adoration - what a creation!

You know me inside and out,

You know every bone in my body

You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,

How I was sculpted from nothing into something.

Like an open book, you watched me grow from cconception to birth;

All the stages of my life were spread out before you,

The days of my life all prepared

Before I had even lived one day.

Your thoughts - how rare

How beautiful!

God, I'll never comprehend them!

I couldn't even begin to count them - any more than I could count the sand in the sea.

Much gratitude to my dear friend, and talented photographer, Cori. Cori's photography web site

{Scripture taken from Psalm 139:13-18 - The Message}

Faith and distraction

I remember this stage in my other pregnancies... You are so close to the end, but not to a "safe" point yet Sleep does not come easily It's so hard to bend down To put put on your shoes... or shave your legs or change a diaper Breathing isn't that easy either You have to be busy to keep your mind from wondering: When will we meet him? How will it all go? Oh, I am so ready... Wait, wait , wait, I'm not. We need lots more time. He doesn't have a dresser, I have to get through a few busy weeks yet.... So, you try to distract yourself by writing, or doing dishes, or thinking about something...anything, but the baby. There is this constant reminder though A basketball where your stomach used to be And you dream of him Day dreams and night dreams.... After finding out that I was almost 2 cm dilated last Wednesday I was a little paranoid. And any one who knows me knows that a little means a darned awful lot.... The following day I had many contractions, they weren't being controlled very well by the medication I was given to relax my uterus. Around noon that day I called Dave and asked if he could come home early. His mom watched the boys while he and I went back to my doctor's office. I was uneasy. I was wondering. I was struggling to have faith that it would all be okay... I was 32 weeks 6 days.... So, she checked me All was fine Every thing was unchanged form the day before She put me on the monitor First a contraction Then they had me put my feet up and completely relax Nothing No contractions, just sweet rest So, we know that when I slow down, all is well And I am taking that much more seriously I was also told to increase my medication from previously "as needed", then "every six hours", to now every four hours. After about 24 hours of that I took myself back to "as needed"... Racing pulse, weakness, bloody noses, nausea, feeling flushed, not myself.... Not worth it if I can just slow down to slow the contractions down Then an FFN test - which came back negative, signifying that I only had a 1% chance of delivering in the next two weeks Thankful relieved hearts... A great weekend - little to no contractions I know he isn't ready, so part of me is so hopeful for those 3 more weeks - Part of me is just so done.... and I scold that part many times a day Patience.... Lungs are one of the last organs to be fully developed and breathing is a good thing, a very good thing What a beautiful sight - when attending the Center for Women's new ultra sound machine dedication yesterday, my baby belly was used to demonstrate and we saw those little lungs Up and down, rhythmic movements And she said, "Look! He's practicing breathing already! He's using his lungs!" Beautiful! Waiting for him. Trying to settle my mind. For whatever happens. Distraction And in the mean time I have: A first day of preschool An unexpected treat of a camera on it's way, since the money set aside for a new dishwasher wasn't needed for that... A looked forward to evening at the Center And then being able to spend some time with a few photographers who really know what they are doing A fresh haircut that I finally had time for More planning for bedroom decor Some baking Maybe even getting out a sweater or two Starting a new season of Mom2mom.... And many sweet dreams. Because distraction can only last so long...

Just some little updates...

..Because I am finding that being in my eighth month of pregnancy does not accommodate alot of brain power. Stringing words together in a way that flows nicely is out of my reach right now. Not sure when that happened, but I'm guessing it was some time between the new morning rush and the trying to go shopping with a two and four year old while catching my breath every 5 seconds and trying to make it home before K's bus, washing, folding, and putting away tiny baby clothes, while trying to catch my breath every 5 minutes, and averaging 4-5 hours of sleep each night. So here it is. The post that takes as little brain work as possible. Updates~

School He loves it! He grins every day when the bus gets here. Last year he went to preschool on Mon. Wed. and Fri. from 12:30 - 3:30. Adjusting to every day kindergarten from 8-12 is taking some time, but he's catching on to the new routine. At first when I told him he would be going on Thursday he laughed and said, "You're teasing mom! I go to school on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday!" I was surprised that he remembered - because that was a while ago, but that is how his mind works. We only have three days done at this point, but I think it is safe to say this is a very good thing. Jay starts his two day preschool next Tuesday. He can hardly contain his excitement! Lil' Noe asks every day "when is MY school mommy?!" - Don't rush things baby boy. You have two more years with mommy. There is definitely a fatigue factor in this household now as we get into a structured routine. The boys had been sleeping till 9 am before school started. I thought, ever so briefly, about waking them up at 7 for a couple of weeks before school started, to get them into the new routine, but really - they were sleeping till 9. I was not going to mess with the beauty of that. So, due to every one getting up two hours earlier than they were used to, there has been a few more fits, tired tears, and some over all general craziness going on. And the boys are doing some of those things too. Since the upstairs rooms of our house are all kind of turned upside down right now, all three boys are sharing a room. I have tried to sneak in to their room and just wake K, but every morning they all wake up as I open the door. All in all, we are adjusting, it is good, and I'm sure will get even better. Baby A few little surprises here. After a couple of mildly questionable signs I decided to ask my doctor to check my cervix when I went in for my shot yesterday. Ends up things are progressing towards labor a bit. I am just about 2 cm. dilated and baby is quite low. We'll see... I have heard of women being at that stage for weeks - sometimes even a month or two. I am currently 33 weeks. My doctor and I are hoping to get three more weeks in. I am taking my medication, which relaxes the uterus, every six hours no matter what now instead of "as needed". I am trying to slow down a bit, but that's tough do in a house full of little people. Wow - check out this for appropriate timing - I am totally having a contraction right now. I have contractions from about month 4 on - so it's no big new thing, they are just really coming more frequently. - And I took my anti contraction med an hour and a half ago. This could get very interesting. Your prayers for three more weeks would be much appreciated! Oh - and my friend Cori took some amazing maternity photos for me that I can hardly wait to show you! House (specifically bedroom project) It's crazy how much "behind the scenes" stuff has to go on in a project like this. Some times it seems like Dave works for hours and nothing has changed. In reality, he accomplishes a whole lot in that time, just not stuff I can see or touch. There are just so many little details. And it takes so much time. As I have been saying "We are getting there". :) Here's just a little sneak preview of what he got done last night. This is my European oil rubbed bronze waterfall faucet that just got installed in my jacuzzi tub {insert little school girl type screech here}. I have only popped into the bed room like 3 times this morning to look at it. A little bit of plumbing still needs to be done to get this all hooked up. Then we have more plaster and sanding to do so that the new dry wall is "perfect". For real - my Dave is a perfectionist when it comes to these things. It is both wonderful and frustrating. :) Once the wall seams and corners are "perfect" we will prime and paint, then do carpet, linoleum, and trim. And then we will move in. And I can do those final finishing decor touches... makes me So happy to think about And part of the decor will be a little bassinet by my bed. And tiny little diapers next to that... And oh my, I can hardly wait!! But really, I will. And I hope Malachi does too... Okay, I've used up my thinking allotment for the day. Sorry family - I may be rather useless for the rest of the day. And it's only 9:50 am... Oh well, they have been very forgiving of my absent mindedness lately.

Because when she cries, he gives her tissues

Because when her doctor acknowledged the fact that there had been a gain of four pounds in two weeks, and she only made it to the elevator before she had a mini meltdown, he just held her hand and told her she was more beautiful to him every day... Because when the four year old decided to throw his loudest, badest, most disrespectful fit of all time, in the middle of the county fair, his patience far, far out weighted the amount of patience she could have ever come up with. And he dealt with it so calmly, so lovingly, so firmly, when she just wanted to run away... Because when she found the celery in the freezer and could not remember ever having done such a silly thing he just smiled, stuck to his story that he doesn't touch celery, so it couldn't have been him, but maybe it was one of the boys... Because when she loaded up all of the boys for K's last Physical therapy session of the summer and went into town only to realize that they were a half hour late for the half hour appointment, he told her it was okay. Every one makes mistakes every now and then. Even if the appointment has been on the same day... at the same time... all through the entire summer... Because the random bursting into tears doesn't annoy him or scare him or frustrate him. He's just there. And he gets it... Because when she keeps him up at night not being able to sleep due to heart burn like she has not ever experienced before, baby kicks in the ribs, contractions, over heating, or going to the bathroom 20 times, he never complains. And some times rubs her back to help her get back to sleep. And he has to be up at 5:15 am... Because when she needs time that doesn't involve all things mommy... and needs to have a break every now and then... he takes care of the busy work with the boys so she can. Even though he has often just completed 8 hours at work and has so much he still needs to do at home. Even though he is feeling the time crunch to finish the bedroom before the baby is born. Even though every time he sees her growing belly he feels the time is going faster and faster (and some times looks at it like it's a ticking time bomb)... He still takes time off from all of the needed preparation to give her time... Because she felt the need for some "just the two of us" time and informed him to clear his schedule next Tuesday... even amongst all of his busyness... he gladly acquiesced. Because she favors rubbed bronze for the bed room fixtures, and he found a paint that matched the few things they had already bought and painted over the chrome on the light bar he had purchased. For all of that and so much more she knew that she was beyond blessed and desired greatly to never take it all for granted...

Umm...those are my ribs

Dear sweet little baby Malachi, I love feeling you move I love all of the nurturing feelings that go along with carrying you inside of me and honestly - I will miss it. As excited as I am to meet you (in ten weeks or less!!), I know there will be a slight feeling of leaving something so very precious behind. And yet.... Can I just kindly ask that your favorite cuddle spot be changed? You see, those are my ribs. That area that you love to burrow under and squirm and hang out - yeah, that would not be your mama's number one choice for you. You know that oxygen that you get? It pretty much sustains your life. In order for you to get that, I must be able to breathe it. Just a little detail. When you compromise my breathing capabilities by cuddling up under my ribs, it does affect you too, love. I would ask that you stay off from my bladder as well, but I'm afraid I can't have it both ways. I'm so short torsoed that I'll have to take one or the other... Many thanks, grins and smiles, Your rounding out mama

From "high risk" to "text book"

This is baby Malachi. He will most likely be "Kai" most of the time, because we do that to names. *smile* He is 27 weeks and 6 days. Malachi is 2 lbs. 3 oz. right now! He is very healthy Has a perfect heart rate Has just the right amount of fluid surrounding him Is finally in a head down position rather than breach And has aided in the addition of 21 lbs to this mama. The doctor I saw yesterday (didn't see mine because she was not available, but all the doctors in this practice are wonderful!!) declared this a textbook pregnancy that looked absolutely beautiful. Despite alot of contractions in the past month my cervix remains unchanged, and just as it should be. No cautions, no risks. All is well. Wow is that good to hear to this mama who has had her fair share of risk... And now they are saying they think I may actually go all the way. Forty weeks. I'm guessing not. The longest I have ever gone was 38 - so we'll see. :) True to his genetic make up, Malachi stuck his tongue out at us as we were in the process of getting all of the measurements. I know these ultra sound pics are not the easiest to see and really "get", but this is a head on shot of his face - his two eyes are dark spots on the right, then you can kind of make out his nose. The white spot in his mouth - yeah, that's his tongue and he kept sticking it out at us. He was also very uncooperative for the ultra sound technician as she tried to get all of the measurements and info she needed. Every time she needed to get to a certain spot he would turn and curl up - completely blocking what she needed to see. Yep - that's my boy!

{26 weeks}

He's in for some changes...

Dear Baby boy, You have no idea how different life out side of the womb will be. Right now you are comfortable. You may be getting a little bit cramped in there, but for the most part I'm thinking it is pretty cozy. Your every need is being taken care of. But soon... Oh baby! I would love to somehow shield you from the overly excited barrage of brothers that will immediately be a part of your life. - And of course I will protect you to some extent. But that's just it - it will be a part of your life. So, I may as well just let some of it happen. You already hear the clamor and commotion which fills your home. I'm hoping some how it has begun to prepare you for the craziness. They love you and are looking very forward to meeting you. But it is that very excitement that I think could be a bit overwhelming to you my dear. Just know - and remember - they really love you. Noe looks forward to kissing you. And you must get the significance of this: He has even mentioned sharing his blankie with you. I'm guessing that story could change once you are actually here in our arms...but you never know. He loves to cuddle - but you may interpret his "cuddling" as "smothering". Don't worry, I'll keep a close eye on our former baby. Jay looks forward to pushing you high in your little swing. He wants to give you underdogs. Yeah, just brace yourself when you are by that one. He's a sweet and loving boy, but he's just a bit...intense. K will be gentle with you. He will smile and lovingly accept that you are a significant part of his life. But my guess is that most of the time you will be ignored by him. If you could some how play DVD's or be a computer game partner - you'd be his new best bud. So, we really look forward to you joining the chaos that is our life. But just be prepared baby. It takes some courage. Lovingly, and with a growing anticipation for your arrival, Mommy

Maybe I could find a "pause" button some where....

I'm here and I'm busy and I'm learning that life just won't slow down. We had a wonderful time in Iowa with my family! Every day was full of visiting, laughing, hugging, and eating (always have to have that ). Days were busy nights were late and little boys realized a little bit more how loved they are near and far. (For a little peak into our days in Iowa you can check out my photo a day blog. Oh - and if you read a favorite blog of mine, "Life in the Parsonage", you may be interested in the kindness I showed to the author of that blog, photo documented here.) So then we got home and I thought I would get right back into the blogging thing. But that didn't exactly happen. Because life never slowed down enough. I finally got some opportunities, but puzzled over where to start... I could have told you about all of the wonderful times we had with family, or the ten hour trip home - but that could be a bit tedious to non family members. I could've started with telling you that an hour after we finally stepped foot into our wonderful home sweet home Dave left again to take K an hour east of us to the ER. Then I would have to tell you about him scaring us a bit with shaking, paleness, and a racing heart rate during the very last couple of hours on our trip home. Since he was perfectly fine by the time Dave had him signed in at the front desk of the ER - I figured I didn't need to spend too much time going into all of that (and yes mom he really is completely okay!). I could tell about how crazy the following day was since Dave and K didn't get back home until 4am and I couldn't sleep while they were away. -About how the suitcases from our trip laid on the kitchen floor untouched for a couple of days. -How I tried to get back into our "normal" routine and it took much longer than I had anticipated due to sleep deprivation. But really - that's all done and over now so why dwell on it? Perhaps a good blog post to get me back into a blogging routine should be about my crazy day Friday when I had to take K, once again, to the hospital an hour east of us - this time for a routine neurosurgeon appointment. -How awesome it was to hear that his shunt is working beautifully and that we don't have to return to see the neurosurgeon for a whole year! Upon hearing that good news and making it out of the maze that they called a "parking garage under construction", we returned home for a couple of hours. The afternoon was filled with check ups for Jay and Noe and then family time at a near by hot air balloon festival where we got rained on and never saw any hot air balloons due to weather. {Deep breath} That night I finally had a great opportunity for a full good night of sleep. You get one guess as to whether or not that happened... This baby had a thing or two against his momma getting in one good night of sleep I guess. Perhaps he wants me to be well into the practice of interrupted sleep so I will be ready for the long nights of feeding that await...He is already proving to be a little bit of an ornery child. I was up with contractions from 4am till 7am. I was kind of annoyed, kind of anxious, and still really tired. They finally stopped and I dug out the prescription my doctor had written me out a couple of weeks ago to calm things down in case contractions started up. Fortunately things have calmed down quite a bit (yes mom, I really am okay). The calendar is still quite full until the first weekend in August. After that it is empty. Dave and I have promised each other to KEEP IT THAT WAY until the baby is born. Well, it will not be empty but we will stick around here and try to keep things very low key. As I type this Dave is preparing for his much anticipated 5-days-in-the-wilderness-you-don't know-primitive-till-you-have-done-this "vacation" with 7 other guys from church. While the boys were being particularly out of control, utterly and completely naughty challenging one afternoon this week I thought for a split second that 5 days in the wilderness sounded sort of nice. Then I remembered the shovel Dave had just purchased. The one he had explained to me as being useful for some particular necessities involving relieving ones self. Yeah, that shovel. That's when I decided that five days of acting as a "single mom" to three very active boys while being 6 months pregnant with another would be quite do-able. Yes indeed. But I am still dreading the morning he leaves... So, I couldn't figure out what all to blog about, but I suppose this will do for now dontcha' think?

{FOUR of them!}

FOUR boys. It's still sinking in. I'm still in awe of it all. I was the girl who never missed a chance to dress up. Could never wear enough frills. Loved all things pretty and pink and girlie. From a very young age. And I thought my future would involve passing on my love of all of that to a little girl. And instead my daily life revolves around 3 little boys running around me. One boy in heaven - who has claimed a special place in my heart. One little boy nestled inside. And another boy who loves me like no other. Crazy -this thing called life. When the things we think we want become far away and the things we have been given become close to our hearts. FOUR of them. to raise and kiss and cuddle ...and get exasperated with and ask forgiveness from. Dirt and energy and competing Trucks and airplanes and rocket ships Big eyes questioning loving and bringing a sweetness into my life that I could not have imagined. I always thought that moms with a house full of boys had to be tough and encompass a strength I didn't posses. But I started hearing comments that I am just the lady to be the mom of FOUR boys. And I wondered - ? Me? And I began to realize that this house full of testosterone needs a softness needs a loving touch needs a bit of all things girl needs emotions of the female persuasion. Yes, it does make sense. Me - the mom to FOUR boys. Who knew that a heart could contain so much love?

Musings on a very hot summer day

It's kinda hot here today. Too hot to concentrate and make a real coherent post. I'm posting any way. Fun.

• Pretty sure the baby is named. For me any way. I have been mentally referring to him by the name I have chosen for several weeks now - so that's it for me. :) I'm not going to tell yet, but I will say it was mentioned in the comments of my 'name game' post. Go read them all, it was so much fun for me to read through all of those comments!
• Chocolate chocolate chip muffins are too a nutritious breakfast! My boys agree.
• I feel like I am carrying this baby differently than the other boys. It feels different when he kicks too. I think it's because he is breach. At my 20 week ultra sound he was just as stubborn as ever - bottom on my cervix, legs and head up by my belly button. All of the other boys have been head down from the first time we have seen them. Praying he gets that way soon.
• Super excited about our bed room remodeling!
• Trying to ward of the frustration of living in a house while remodeling. The mess is horrendous.
• Have gained 15 pounds in 22 weeks.
• So excited that Dave only has to work 4 days next week!
• Preparing for our Iowa vacation in two weeks.
• Can hardly believe the deep and insightful spiritual questions my 4 year old has been asking every day.
• Trying to convince the boys that they can not live in the pool.
• Summer's official arrival brought with it a crazy heat wave!
• Which quickly brought me to the conclusion that, no, swimming suits that fit me pre pregnancy can NOT just stretch...
• Maternity swim suit form Old Navy is on it's way as we speak. :)
• finding it difficult to muster up any kind of motivation to cook when it is this hot.
• Love pouring over paint chips. I'm obsessed with paint colors - and their names intrigue me. Right now I think I have decided on 'baked bean', 'cocoa pecan', and 'coffee kiss' for bedroom colors. Really warm rich colors that make me so happy.
• Taking K to Physical and occupational therapy today - as we will each Wednesday through out the summer.
• So proud of how hard K works and how much he loves his therapy. He loves Wednesdays!
• Taking inventory of what we will need for baby.
• After going through 6 1/2 years and 3 boys, much of what we have is not fit for another baby.
• Wasting spending alot of time looking at baby stuff on line.
• Slightly obsessed with blue and brown color combinations. Like this nursing cover and this baby sling and these delicious baby shoes. Not that I would want to eat them - but really, aren't they just adorable?!! Oh - and this bedding set. :)
• Making a paper chain with Jay today. One link for each week until baby is due. :) Only 18 links to make.
• Loving this picture.
• Off to cut and tape a paper chain...

It's a...

Dear little one in the womb, Today I got a peak at you. For about an hour I watched as the ultra sound technician took all of the measurements, checked on all of your major organs, and made sure all was well. And baby, as at peace as I was throughout the day, I still held my breath a little and was silently uttering prayers through out this process. Prayers that you would be healthy. Prayers that you were growing as you should. My heart feels like it could just about burst with happiness! You are healthy, a great size, active, and a boy. Another boy! I have to be honest and say that our minds were geared a bit towards entertaining thoughts of what life would be like if we added a daughter to the mix here. I would be lying if I said there weren't a few moments of adjusting my thinking to the fact that we will not know what that is like. Oh - but in the next few seconds I watched your hands go to your face and you tried to suck your thumb. You turned, as if to face us. You were moving all around and I just grinned, and grinned, and couldn't stop grinning. Wow do we love you. This part always has surprised me a bit. Just how much you can love some one you've never seen face to face. I truly can hardly wait to watch you with your brothers. Yes, I get a touch tired even just thinking about it. Raising four boys. Oh my oh my! :) But what an amazing privilege! Praising God for you, our baby boy, Love mommy

The name game

I love baby names. I have always thoroughly enjoyed the process of naming our children. Dave has always had alot of input as well, so it's not like I just single handedly named our bundles of joy. I have usually had a long list of names that I liked. Most get vetoed because they are too "out there" or he can some how see some way that his child will get made fun of over any given name on my list. :) Still, it has been fun to look through names, collaborate together, compromise, and come up with some names that we both really love. I usually have had a boy name and girl name picked out before I have even lost my ability to snap my skinny jeans. Not this time. There are names we had picked out through out the other pregnancies, and never used, but they seem out dated to me now. I want something new. Something fresh and - just right. I also want to choose really carefully because this is likely my last chance to name a baby. I guess I just want to savor that fun one last time. :) This morning me and the boys were having our morning cuddle session on the couch and we were discussing what to name the baby. We usually pick a very important subject during our morning cuddle, while they are still doing those cute stretches and yawns. One morning last week the subject was whether peanut butter and jelly or peanut butter and honey was the greatest. A few days ago we discussed our favorite animals of all time. K's was a wombat (That's my out of the box boy!). Jay loves Tigers. Noe had a hard time making up his mind, but I think he finally decided on a peacock. Oh - if you must know, mine was a giraffe. So this morning we embarked on one of those all important mother son talks. I mentioned the name Abigail for a girl. Jay shot it down on account of there being two of them in his "big boy class" at church (Yes, they are girls, but apparently they have been let in to the "big boy" class"). So I threw out a boy name,"I like Logan". "MO-UMMM! We already have one of those too. He plays in the nursery with me during Mom's group!" Okay, so apparently if there has ever been a time that we have heard of any one with the name, it can not be bestowed upon our baby, according to Jay. K decides that he really likes the name Lola - because he loves to play Charlie and Lola games on the Disney website. He likes the name Charlie too - but Jay quickly let's him know that is not acceptable at all. They have a cousin named Charlie. I really like the name Caden. And I think I have finally found one that can not be argued with by my four year old. We don't know any one with that name. So, I confidently put that name in the mix. Jay's forehead gets all wrinkled up and his eyes squint, as if trying to find the argument for that name. I think I may have scored finally. But then he opens his mouth and I hear his serious voice. "Mom, Caden rhymes with Caleb. We can't do that. We would get them mixed up!" (By the way, Caleb has been lovingly shortened to the first syllable of his name, which I have chosen to simply interpret as "K", and is quite often referred to as that in our house hold - as well as on the blog). Shot down again. Don't get me wrong. We aren't leaving the naming up to our kiddos. But I really love their cute ideas, and although the final decision will be mine and Dave's, I do want them to have some input. Plus, they actually had some legitimate thoughts on it all. After I attacked Jay with tickles and told him to give some of my baby names a chance, I asked them all what they thought of Henry. I was met with three little boy belly laughs. I guess Henry's out. So, give me some ideas people! What are some of your favorite names? Let's just see what Jay has left in his "Very good reasons why the baby can not be named that" collection.

This is me

• Loved reading all of the comments on my last post and realizing that I have created a K fan club. :)

• Battling horrible head aches every single day. Discouraged that nothing short of going to the chiropractor seems to come close to curing them. My last chiropractor fix lasted five days, then the headaches were back with a vengeance. I don't think I can afford to go every five days... Really hoping I can figure out how to get rid of them for good. Laying on the couch with a pillow over ones eyes is not practical when one has three, very active, small boys....

• So, so excited at Rachel and Josh's amazing, and long awaited, baby news!!!

• Looking forward to hearing that same news from this wonderful couple. Hoping to get to their adoption fund raising garage sale tomorrow.

• Loving our tradition of camping every Friday night.

• Excited to be planning a camping trip for all of my siblings, parents, and us, halfway between here and Iowa at the end of May.

• Excited about K's IEP (individual education program) coming up May 13th, being able to meet some of his new teachers, and discussing our plans for his upcoming year of kindergarten.

• So, so curious if this little one is a boy or a girl.

• Finally have a sufficient iron level.

• Experienced an amazingly refreshing day on Wednesday, where I got to do something I have wanted to do for a long time!

• Writing a book about our experiences with loss and the hope we have clung to.

• Right on my body clock - started having contractions when I hit the 14 week mark. That's my norm. It was only one evening, after I had been on my feet most of the day. Now I am listening to my body more perceptively.

• Ordered 20 progesterone injections. Woo hoo. I'm actually very thankful for them, due to the previous bullet point info. I am apparently progesterone deficient causing my tendency for preterm labor. The weekly injections are a very good thing. So what if my poor thighs take a hit and my poor bank account takes a hit (Seriously insurance company, why must you deny me this? Would you rather a multi million dollar NICU baby, or these 20 shots?!).

• So can't believe how big my boys are getting! Loved watching K read a story to Noe this morning.

Numbers

2- weeks left in my first trimester 4 - lbs put on so far 6- weeks till I "get" to start my weekly progesterone shots 20- injections I will receive (Thank you Lord for the little bit o extra padding being added to my hips where those injections will go!) 10- weeks until I find out if I will be the mom to all boys!! 4- number of fits thrown by Noe yesterday. There seems to be a bit of a "passing of the baton" going on here at our house as Jay becomes more obedient and able to be reasoned with. The previously sweet and very mellow two year old of the house is now trying out his independent and stubborn streak. 0- things we absolutely have to get done today. I couldn't be more pleased to have a relaxed Saturday with Dave home! 1- hour that Dave let me sleep this morning after the boys woke up. Heavenly! 3- new food cravings. Humus, baby carrots, and cucumber. 4- loads of clean laundry that needs folded. I'm focusing on the fact that it is ALL clean!! 6- days till my parents get here to spend a long weekend with us!! -Not like I am counting or any thing. :) 3- the pants size that has been evicted from my dresser, packed into a box, and put into the closet. I will not even look at them for at least another year. Will they ever be reinstated? I'm choosing not to care at this point. 2- bloggy friends I may get the opportunity of meeting this spring or summer. Excited would be an understatement! 6- little hands that helped me make a low carb cheesecake for Dave yesterday. 34- degrees this morning when Dave and I took all the boys outside to swing. 10- minutes we lasted outside before just about freezing our toushies off. Spring? Hello? Are you there? Somewhere? 4- days this past week that the boys were cooped up inside all day. 22,825- hits to this blog since I started it a year ago. Really? 223- posts I've written. 1- cup of coffee I've had this past week. Really. I'm cutting back a bit due to some trouble sleeping. 65- milligrams of extra iron added daily, due to being very anemic. 3- people that God has made it extremely clear that I have yet to truly forgive. Ouch. Countless - moments that I have grown and learned this past week.