{In over my head}

Oh whoa, wait, it's working!!

Okay, I'm going to blog as quickly as I can before this ahem (I don't swear, so I'm not putting a curse word right here) computer decides that it would prefer to completely malfunction... again.

For the past few days my laptop has been more stubborn than my 2 year old. That's saying alot.

Really people; a l o t.

So tonight and tomorrow this little buddy of mine is going to lose its memory. Last night, much like right now, it miraculously decided to cooperate, and worked for several hours as I backed everything up on external hard drive and cds. I now have everything saved, and we are beginning the process tonight of wiping everything off from it and restoring it to all default settings. Dave seems fairly confident that this will do the trick and have it working just about like new again. - I do hope. For as frustrated as it has caused me to be lately, we have been together for several years and we have really bonded.

Plus we really don't have the money to purchase another one. And the thought of no computer makes me twitch. Just a little.

This seems to be as good a time as any to make a small confession on the blog. Besides twitching if I don't have the use of a computer, I base my choice to buy facial tissue most often on how cute the box is, and if it would coordinate with the room I am putting it in.

Phew. Glad to get that off my chest. Really, I feel better now.

 

 (This one made the cut. That little bird? - adorbs)

There is a slight chance (in percentages, think high 90's) that this blog post may seem helter-skelter (did you know that was a real word? Dictionary.com says that it is, blogger says it is not. Dictionary.com, I'm siding with YOU). (Oh fine, blogger. I see you are going to be all fine with it and lovely again if I add a dash. There. See? Let's be friends now.)

I have a sinus infection. Writing it seems too insignificant. I want to call it some kind of an epic head squeazing fatal illness. But it's just these little recessed areas in our head which connect with our nasal passages. Sometimes they get infected. No biggie, right?  

Oh  My  Word. 

Big deal people. Big deal.

Never, never underestimate the power of sinuses.

When the doctor asked me how I was doing yesterday, I told it to him straight.

"I want to take a knife and cut half of my face off."

He was only slightly alarmed. 

It didn't take him long to diagnose after that. A few taps on my cheek bone and forehead, and my nearly jumping off the table was quite enough. 

So, I still have this awful pressure + antibiotics + anything I can find to dull the aching + coffee, and that may = helter-skelter. 

I feel like such a baby when it comes to these infected passages in my head. I've given birth to 5 babies. 3 of them without drugs. How can these little insignificant sinuses cause me fear they could be my ultimate demise?? 

Today is January 11th. That means that I will be 31 in one month. That feels strange. Thirty has been fun. I would even venture to say that it has been one of my best years yet. I've learned alot and gained some confidence. I feel like I am so much more comfortable in my own skin. Getting older really doesn't scare me one bit. 

Death by sinuses? yes.

A tissue box not matching? for sure.

My computer dying? you bet.

But not getting older. Bring it. 

Turning 31 means that I have had a nose stud for a year and I have had bangs for a year. I have photos, but have never posted them because I like my mom alot. I like her to have a healthy heart. - Oh, I should clarify; I am not talking about photos of me getting my bangs cut.

I'm increasing my hours at the Center for Women, through the winter, to 7 hours instead of 3.5. My first day with these new hours was intense. Alot went on in those 7 hours. I spent a good chunk of my time counseling with a young woman who was facing an unwanted pregnancy. My heart absolutely went out to her and her situation. I put myself where she was and faced her pain along side her.

She is going to be getting an ultra sound at our facility on Friday. I'm going to be next to her, holding her hand.

The fact is not lost on me that the very day after we recognize 9 years since our Joshua died, I will be in a small room with a woman who is contemplating taking the life of her unborn child.

It's not lost on me at all.

{I'm in over my head. I'm right where I want to be.}

Those are lyrics to a song. I haven't heard it in ages, but as I was coming home from working Monday night, and in a very introspective mood, that song came on my radio. Wow. Perfect.

Everything about what I do at the Center can seem over my head. And I'm right where I want to be. For the irony of the situation that I will face this week, it couldn't feel more right.

I will be in that room. I will love on that woman. With the help of our amazing ultrasonographer, I will tell her and show her the truth. I will respect her as a woman, and I will clearly let her know that the choice is hers. And then, somehow, I will surrender the whole situation, as I have done time and again in the 4 years that I have worked there.

This is what God has done for me there: (This is cool. I like it) Every time that I have been in a counseling room with an abortion minded woman, I have suddenly detached from the heart that beats inside of me; the one that has faced losing a child and grieved him each moment since.

That knowledge and tension leaves me, if only for an hour or so, while I look into their eyes and find the deepest compassion in that same heart. It has never once crossed my mind while I discuss the choice they face, their child, and the life and death situation at hand, with them.

I believe it is there in another form, articulating my thoughts and pushing my actions, but not in a conscious way. If it seeped in, I fear I would lose the empathy and compassion that I am able to find deep within. 

I think of it later. When they have left. When I go into the office and close the door. when I slide down the wall until I feel the security of the floor beneath. When I press my palm against my forehead and just pray. That's when it begins to enter my psyche.

I think of it in the merging of lights shining into the darkness on my 20 minute drive home. I think of it when I slip into bed alone and wait for Dave to finish class and hold me tight.

"Wow, you are considering ending the life of your child when I would have given anything, just anything, to simply have a glimpse of mine again?"  

And it goes as quickly as it came in. Because this isn't about me at all. And next time I see her, if she chooses to come back, The Thought is the furthest thing from my mind.

I am thankful. And I see it for the miracle that it is.

If you think of it, I would love to know that some of you are covering this situation in prayer on Friday afternoon. The ultrasound is at 2:00 eastern time.

Last night Dave had his weekly accountability meeting and I decided that I was going to tackle baths for all the boys + homework for the older two + awana work for the older 3. Simple right? - Well, if sinus  infections are insignificant, then yes. *wink*

I had to smile, because as I was in between math with Jay, and switching Noe with K in the tub, the song began playing in my overly pressurized head again. -And really, at that point my head was hurting so bad. I was dizzy-ish and foggy headed, but knew I still had to function as a mom.

"I'm in over my head (throb throb); I'm right where I want to be."

Yes. I am in over my head in alot of situations in my life.

I'm exactly where I want to be.

Sometimes that isn't my first thought, and there are times that I think I am NOT where I want to be. It's too hard, too much, too painful, too stretching.

But something tells me that if that were to change, then the active and living Holy Spirit within me would make me so discontented; so done with comfort and "normal".

That's not what I am here for.

Guess what has cheered this throbbing headed, somewhat weighted hearted mama lately?

-Just a simple message on a little chalkboard. Well, simple in the same way that awana work, homework, and baths for 4 boys all in a couple hours time is simple. -And sinus infections are insignificant. :)

It amazes me how simply walking past that several times a day, and reading the words truly lifts my spirits. I have so much to be grateful for!

Yes, I stole it from Pinterest. Some day when my head isn't about to explode and my eyes aren't threatening to close, and my computer isn't on the verge of death, I will tell you how I try to not say the word "Pinterest" much in our home anymore. Pretty much every cool thing I have done lately; crafting with the boys, fun cute snacks, new recipes, photo ideas, chalkboard messages, have ALL come from - That Website - and Dave is at the point of rolling his eyes whenever he hears it. ;) But really, that message is from THE BIBLE! I didn't steal it, THEY did. So... Hmmph.

Okay, time to end this and seek some rest while it can be found. Windows of rest are so rare and small around these parts.

But I'm right where I want to be. :)

She's special

She's special.

There are alot of little girls in my life, who I am very grateful for!

My nieces,

Little ones in the nursery at church,

Daughters of friends.

They all bless me and fill a little part of my heart that has always been reserved for the little girls that I thought I would some day nurture.

I can smile, see God's sense of humor, and wisdom, in giving me a house full of boys. Most of the time I am completely surrendered to this unexpected turn to my life. This mom to all boys thing. And I can see that God has filled that corner of my heart in other ways. Not in having daughters, but in little girls who have been placed in my life to love on.

So, there's this one little girl - sweet, spunky, and sassy as the day is long.


I anticipated her birth with her parents. Couldn't wait to meet her, because I knew she would be a significant part of my life.

Her parents had asked me to be her caregiver during the day, while they worked. This is no small thing to me. Being entrusted with some one elses new little one, fresh from heaven? That's trust. It's a privilege.

At the time, I only had K, and the days of weekly doctor appointments and very high maintenance were beginning to calm.

So, we added little miss Lily to our daily routine. She was 6 weeks old when I started watching her. Tiny and sweet. She was a good baby. I loved all of her girly outfits. She definitely added alot of femininity to my days.

I watched her for a few years. We added her brother, Adam, to our days a couple of years after she first came. They multiplied the fun and chaos of our home.

 2007

Their family is part of our church, our young couples Sunday school class, and our small group. Kind of like family.

Last Friday Lily went to the ER with a high fever.

 -And  by that night she was admitted to a larger hospital, hooked up to an IV, while her family processed her diagnosis.

She has leukemia.

She's 7.


She's a trooper.

Scared, but brave.

Tired, but not losing her spunk.

Her parents are radiating God's peace. You know, the kind that passes all understanding.


I went up to see her on Saturday. Kind of for her, kind of for me.

She had just had a blood transfusion and was perking up alot.

She had just found out that she would be losing her hair. She cried.

I wished I could tell her it was all just a bad dream. That she could pack up her coloring books and replace the little hospital gown with bright, fun, little girl clothes.

Hospital gowns shouldn't be made in little sizes like that.

I wished I could look at her parents, my friends, and tell them that their little girl's blood test results had accidentally gotten confused.
Messed up. 
That 7 year old's don't get leukemia.

But they do, and she does, and this is another chapter in their story.

Theirs is a story that not many experience. More heart ache than we humanly think we should see in people who are good and kind and hard workers.

We see the hurt and the bad. The ugly, scary, and painful.

It takes alot of faith to see the good; to see any good.

But it's there! We are seeing it in a church that is banding together tighter than before,

In faith that is stretching, and growing, and becoming more and more ready to see mountains move.

We are seeing it in families hitting their knees in ways they haven't for years, or even ever before.

We see it in silver linings that are obvious.

We see it in two individuals, who desperately love their children, taking a deep breath, standing tall, and saying, "okay, this is what's been given, we'll take it in stride. We'll do what we have to do to take care of our family, and give God the glory."

That's pretty wow to me.

Of course they cry,
of course they would do anything in their power to not have to watch their little girl struggle with a nasty disease and harsh treatment.
Of course.
But, even if they can't see it while in the midst of tough, the way they have stepped up and are shining through the process, has God's fingerprints all over it.


She's really special guys, and I would love for every one who reads this to please pray for her.

They have started a facebook page with updates on how things are going. Check it out to be able to pray more specifically for this situation.

The silver linings are good, and doctors are very hopeful for remission within a month.
But she's 7, and these treatments would be hard on anyone. 

She's going to have her very own personal story of God's goodness beyond what many will have. He's going to use it. I know He will.

Photo Favorites...errr... sick mama Friday

I had a few pictures in mind for some Photo Favorites Friday... and then my mind turned into mush and honestly, there isn't much going on up there right now. No snarky comments about how that isn't so different from my usual please... ;)

I'm feverish and have been kind of emotional - and well, it's just one of those days. Ya'know?

I had a sinus infection last week (I think). It wasn't awful bad, but enough to make me uncomfortable to the point of being motivated to make a doctor appointment. I went, he asked a few questions, I said, "I think I have a sinus infection", he said, "I'm pretty sure you have a sinus infection. Here's a prescription." And that was that.

I felt pretty good the next day. Three days later I was not doing so well. I was okay the next 3-4 days. Last night whatever has been going on in my body just decided to go big or go home. And it didn't go home. I started running a fever and feeling generally icky all over. This morning I felt kind of okay, and thought perhaps we could go on with our weekend plans; camping with my Mom2mom group and families. This is an annual event and although camping is still alot of work with the ages and stages of our guys, I knew it would be fun.

Fast forward to about an hour before we were to leave. I wasn't communicating to Dave very well how I was feeling. I could feel the fever returning. I tried to ignore it. We were packing stuff up. And then I just laid on the bed in the camper and had a bit of a tear fest. Somewhere in there I managed to get out that I was sick, like really sick, and knew that going would be a mistake. It sounded something like this "Bleh, meh...... buuuut... I'm sickkkkk.. sniff sniff... Don't blehhhhh, thinkkkkk I shouldddd.... goooo." Sniff sniff.

So, we agreed that the oldest three, who were nearly jumping out of their skin in anticipation of this camping trip, could go ahead and go with dad, and that me and Kai would hang out at home all weekend and see if I could perhaps get some extra rest and kick this nastiness out of my system.

Shortly after they left I really felt confirmation that the choice I had made was the right one. The fever has been elevating rather quickly - even with Tylenol. I am so glad that I listened to that "gut feeling" and made a choice to stay home and rest.

The house is quiet. The messes are still here though, reminding me of those precious guys in my life:) I forced myself to rest this afternoon, even as my mind saw the rare opportunity to do some beyond needed cleaning and organizing. I said no. And I am about to say no again. My hope is for a very deep sleep of many hours. We will see how kind Kai is to me. :)

Here is one photo favorite, while I can still think somewhat clearly. I took this one on Wednesday of two cousins who were a month apart. Love it!

What our week is looking like:

{defining our week}

Daddy is doubling up on homework

Two classes instead of one

Head colds for two boys have morphed into high fevers and misery

A washing machine that is running constantly

Twelve month molars finally trying to make an appearance

Lots of puzzles

Legos

Paints

Markers

Story books

Holding

Nose wiping

Tylenol giving

Phone calls

Rearranged schedules

Exhaustion

Love

Moments with a man I would do it all over again with in a heart beat

 steam mopping  {impressed}

Dreaming

Reading

{Rest}

Resurrecting an old project

About two years ago I started a really fun photo project. I took a photo each day during my 29th year. I started it the day I turned 28 and ended it the day I turned 29. I posted these pictures on a blog that I had entitled "my 29th year". It was such a fun challenge! Some days it was easy to find the treasure in the day and photograph it for the blog. Other days.. not so much. I mean really, after two or three days of stay at home mommy-ness do you photograph the dirty diaper, the cute spaghetti covered grin, or the huge pile of laundry?? ;) Amazingly, there were only about 50 days in the entire year that I did not post a picture. I think one of the coolest things about this project for me was that it forced me to search out the beautiful in my everyday. Not just finding it, but focusing on it - literally. Photographing something causes you to stop, really think, slow down, and meditate on beauty.

So - I am going back to the project! At first it was kind of nice not to have to do the daily picture, because it was just one more thing to add to my ever increasing to-do list. Plus - it was my 29th year project - AND the blog was called "my 29th year", so it had to be over, right?? But over the past 6 months or so I began thinking about how much fun I had with it...and I really missed doing it.

Well, it is back - with a new look, a new name, and open ended potential. :) I am excited to be doing this again, but not putting any pressure on myself. It may be hit and miss at times, but I know it will help me to see treasures in my days! Like, for instance - there may be days where I am cleaning up vomit for the 7th day in a row. And I may actually be scrubbing it off walls. And I could have to cancel working at the pregnancy center and I may end up with 4 loads of laundry that smell horrific. And if something like that were to happen, I would have to find a treasure in that day. In theory.

It has also been really neat to scroll through the photos from my 29th year and relive those moments. I have missed being able to do that last year.

So, this is really for me, but I thought I would invite you all along for the ride if you are interested. I will still be posting pictures here - and writing here, nothing will change with this little spot. If you want to take a peak, just click on the "photo blog" tag on the link bar above.

It is what it is.... and it wasn't very pretty

So, Christmas....

It  was.... um, well, how about you tell me about yours instead?

Okay,

it was disappointing. And to be honest... pretty miserable.

We traveled all day Christmas Eve, over 500 miles, in anticipation of a whole week with my family in Iowa.

And then we got sick.

I started it early Christmas morning. And spent all day Christmas day either in my parents bathroom, or crawling from the bathroom to the bedroom. It led to nasty dehydration, and then the sharing began. First Kai, then Jay, and Noe...

We were away form home - totally germing up my parent's home, and had to cancel half of the plans we had made for our Christmas vacation. Plans with siblings, Aunts, dear friends.... canceled because of a very uninvited, and quite nasty, stomach flu.

There were some sweet nuggets of time when we were able to enjoy family and special activities, and I am thankful for that.

Now we are home - Dave is sick in bed, and I am getting all of our laundry done and various bags unpacked (by various I mean approximately 27.5 bags of random needed items for a family of six to go on vacation for 7 days).

I was fighting some discouragement this morning.

What a Christmas. I love Christmas, and Christmas 2010 was so not what I had in mind.


What a way to end 2010. 


Why this? 

Why now? 

Why the one of about 3 times per year that I get to see my family, was I out of commission?

But then I had to ask myself, Why not us? and, Why not now?

Were we ever promised health through the holidays? Nope.

Were we ever promised more protection than others who must face sickness? Nope.

It's just one of those side effects. Side effects of all the yuck in the world.

Do I wish things would have gone differently? Why yessss.

But I have no control over it. And (my new motto) It is what it is.

It is not what I wish it was.

It is not what I dream up.

It is not what I plan.

It just is what it is. Reality. 


2010 was a year where I truly felt that the big lesson God was leading me to and teaching me through was a lesson in trusting him as it pertained to our finances. And, through his grace, I feel like my mind is finally wrapping around that one.

Okay God, yes, I see now. We are not going to know where it will come from. Some times I will have to blindly trust you for each and every bill, grocery visit, need, but it will always be there. Always always, through surprises all your own and of your orchestrating, the money will just be there.Trusting you, trusting you, trusting you.

I have a feeling, because he has already started this uncomfortable process in  my heart, that 2011 is going to be a year where He really brings home this lesson in reality. Acceptance of the things I have no control over. The things that I am just going to have to say, over and over, it is what it is. And He is going to help me to put a smile on my face, and look up to Him, and say "no" to the self pity that entices.

So for a trip that started in anticipation and neared an end in a McDonald's parking lot, scrubbing at the upholstery in a car seat with baby wipes and paper towels, it seems appropriate to start embracing this lesson, don't you think?

And let me just put out a big, loving shout out to my mom and dad, who had compassionate servant's hearts in caring for me and my littles as the most unpleasant of circumstances invaded their home for the holidays. A daughter can't repay something like that. So, thank you.

Sometimes we do get sick days

Okay - because I got a little bit whiny, a couple of posts ago, about moms not getting sick days - I thought I should go on record as saying that there are rare occasions where they do.

Forgive me if this is short and slightly muddled. My brain function right now is... short and slightly muddled.

I've had a fever for 4 days.

I'm glad this isn't a vlog.

The sight on the other side of the screen right now? - Not attractive.

My skin tone is a really off shade of pale-ish green.

I've lost a few pounds since Sunday - and although I could never be described as "robust" - I do believe I have now taken "wimpy" to a new level.

I went to the doctor yesterday and they ordered two vials of blood to test.

Everything is normal.

Fine, so my blood says that, but my body is not saying that.

So - for the record. If a momma is sick enough, her mother in law and husband will see to it that she gets hours of quiet in her bed to rest.

And that is a huge blessing!

Excuse me while I try to get all of my strength back while taking care of my husband who only lasted 2 hours at work today.

Here we go again...

What plan? Did I have a plan?

Things rarely go as planned. And there is nothing like motherhood to highlight that fact of life.

At 10:30 last night I was sitting in the back of my mini van, in a booster seat no less, talking to my 3 year old about water parks, kitty cats, and french fries when it really began to sink in. There is no way you can survive motherhood with out an insane amount of flexibility and adaptability. Rolling with the punches isn't just a good idea. It's necessity.

Tomorrow we are leaving for Iowa. We will be gone for 9 days. This needs to be the only thing going on right now. There is no room in our budget or schedule or mental psyche for anything else to go on.

Do you think if I type that a few times it would make a difference?

Okay, never mind.

The hot water heater leaking, and ultimately dying on us, last week was not in the plan. Adapting our budget to buy a brand new one - you guessed it - really not in the plan. The ear infection plaguing my one day post surgical K this week was not in the plan. The referral to an ENT - and talk of planning the next surgery - not my plan. I didn't think much of Noe almost losing his voice a couple of days ago, but the constant runny nose started to make me wonder. Not in the plan. As I was getting him ready for bed last night, and looking very forward to my own, I observed that every time he talked, he cried. He said his throat felt funny.

I helped him into his jammies and found his crocs. Because of our impending trip I knew I had to get him in to be seen by a doctor as soon as possible. The after hours clinic employees likely know us by name. I decided to nurse Kai one last time and get him settled in his bed. I went to change his diaper and lo and behold 3/4 of his body was covered in a rash.

Plan? What plan? Did some one have a plan?

So this is how I found myself in a booster seat in my mini van in the McDonald's parking lot soothing a sore throat with a strawberry shake and willing the minutes away until the pharmacy would have the two prescriptions ready. Strep and the beginning stages of bronchitis for Noe and strep, showing up as a rash (scarlet fever), for sweet baby Kai


From the time of drop off until our prescriptions were ready we waited exactly 1 hour. Noe and I giggled about silly songs on the radio and looked at all of the pretty lights in the city. Super over tired baby played peak-a-boo with us from his seat in front of us.

And plan B was frustrating, and really tiring, but ended up being surprisingly sweet in the midst of all of that.

I will admit - there was one point over the weekend when I wondered "Has any one ever died from ivy poisoning?"

So, apparently you can acquire a bad allergy to poison ivy later into your adult years.

I have pretty much always lived in the country and have encountered those leaves of three several times throughout my childhood. I would break out and itch - was slightly uncomfortable, but nothing awful.

About a month ago Dave was working on installing a large redneck-esque TV antenna (free TV - the only way we will have it) and the area by our house where he was working  ended up having a small crop of poison ivy on it.

He broke out.

I said I would stay away from him for a while.

I did not do as I said.

I also think I encountered some poison ivy when I was helping him stack some fire wood in our back yard. At any rate - I found evidence of poison ivy on my arm. It started to clear up after about two weeks - and then in a cruel turn of fate it returned, with a vengeance. It was really bad.

It multiplied. Alot.

I kept waiting for it to get better...

On Saturday Dave went to an all day men's conference in Indiana. K had a "migraine" (what the doctors are now saying these "seizure" type episodes have been all along. This will probably be my next post... ). I was trying to deal with his discomfort and take care of things here but I started feeling really ill. Nauseous, chills, low grade fever. Then I noticed that my arm, where the poison ivy had started, was about double its original size. There were some rather unsettling red streaks going down the entire length of my arm... Not pretty.

It was a rough day. Dave arrived home around 7:30 pm and I left for the after hours clinic. The doctor took one look at me and ordered a steroid shot - I quickly threw out the fact that I was nursing and he changed the order to a one week steroid pill regime (thank you very much my nursing baby. The shot may have expedited the healing, but being saved from a shot is okay with me any day. I've had enough shots to last a life time).

I am now taking the steroids, an allergy med, and an antibiotic... Whew.

I'm feeling so much better - other than the fact that this combination of meds tend to make me sick to my stomach. Worth it to kick out this awful poison ivy onslaught though.

(I really am okay now mom...) ;)

 I've been busy, busy! I hardly even slowed down to get through the poison ivy misery.

Taking lots of pictures (I'll show you soon!), designing a bright, fun, girlie blog for a friend (yes, I am totally hooked to the design thing now...), going to dentist appointments, doctor appointments, and meetings with kiddos, excited about a fund raiser I am helping with for the Center for Women this weekend, planning some charity work for our Sunday school class to do together, dreaming and scheming about camping, yard work, maybe a garden, and lots more stuff....

Just thought I'd pop in for a quick little update. :)

Let's hear it for the boys

So this week has been crazy and beautiful and heartfelt. Chaotic and sleepless and memorable. My sister and brother in law, from 500 miles away, are here visiting with their 3 boys Having SO.MUCH.FUN with our 4 boys. Did you get that? Between the 2 of us we have birthed 8 boys... and 0 girls. :) My sister Trisha and I are 22 months apart. Life has thrown us on many different curves. But our bonds are unbreakable. I ♥ her! It is so fun to see all of our boys interacting. And to get to love on each other's kidos... The bad that is thrown in with all of this good is some sicknesses - Baby Kai being the worst hit with it. I am taking him to the doctor this morning since I have not been able to get his fever to stay down and he's simply miserable. He and I have been awake almost all night for about 3 nights. The good of this week has been so good though that even sleeplessness can not ruin it. :) Gotta run.........

The rhythm of my life as a mommy

It seemed I had just about caught up on my sleep after spending 17 hours in the hospital with K when I began to notice Noe's cough sounding much worse. I thought he just had my cold. But then noticed his breathing was labored and much too fast. Another doctor visit? I knew what to look for - Fast heart rate, retracting, not eating. My mellow little guy would not stop crying. He was waking up in the night sobbing and coughing till it seemed his whole body was just exhausted. So, off to the after hours clinic on a Sunday afternoon. He alternated between sweetness, questions, and cuddling and fussing, clinging, and coughing. Chest x-ray, concerned medical staff, breathing treatment, and finally to the pharmacy and home. Beginning stages of pneumonia. Not so nice looking lungs. He's vulnerable to this sort of thing because of his constant fight with RSV when he was 5-8 months old. Doing so much better today! Still sleepy and kind of clingy to mommy. But really - who minds that? Breathing treatments every four hours. Lots of liquids. Watching Jay very close. So sad that he grabbed, and drank from , Noe's sippy yesterday. Praying protection around him. Seeing a wonderfully energetic K. So thankful. More thankful than before. Trying to get into some what of a routine again. Feeling a bit discombobulated after the kind of week we had last week Amazed at all God can show one when they find themselves alone with their child in a small room in the ER. The dark and the quiet broke through the otherwise busy constancy of my life. With such a precious one lying asleep in my arms I allowed that still small voice to reveal so much. So much about identity, control, love, selflessness, full reliance on Him, My utter helplessness... and yet complete capability only through Him. Still pondering it all. A heart overflowing with answered prayers. So many. In so many ways. Going to work this afternoon. A welcomed change of pace. And yet knowing I will be back with my babies in a matter of hours. Knowing I will learn and grow. Because I never come home from the Center for Women the same as I was when I left home. Anticipating a wonderful night away with David in Chicago. Only 11 more days. But who's counting? :) Trying to find rest. Trying to find balance. Learning more flexibility. Seeking Him each and every day. Because with out that I couldn't do this.

My old adage: a day with out brain surgery is a good day

Hi, my name is Wendi and I just overdosed my child to the point where I could barely wake him up, thought his symptoms were shunt malfunction, and spent 18 hours in the hospital with him. What new and crazy adventures have you had lately? All of your prayers and kind words meant so much to me. Thank you. Also, a big thanks to Rachel for updating my blog today when I didn't have access to the internet. I didn't want to leave you all hanging. I am extremely thankful that K's shunt was found to be functioning perfectly and with out any problems. Shunt issues are not fun and easy to deal with. Although I am not pleased that K had to go through what he did, adjusting medication is about the best case scenario when you are expecting a possible brain surgery. I am thrilled to report that after alot of fluids, and temporarily discontinuing his medication, K is back to his wonderful, energetic, giggly self. He is doing great. It is a huge relief after the fear I faced last night. I am not stretching the truth when I say that waking him up was extremely difficult for most of the afternoon and all night. To do so I had to put my hands under his arms and pick him up right. I would then say his name loudly. I would finally get an eye flutter when I would do that. The nurses and doctors noticed his lethargy in the waiting room and {probably made a few people pretty mad} brought us back to see the doctor before the 4 other people who had been waiting much longer than us. Most of the doctors who saw K were of the same mind that I was; suspecting shunt problems. They even began some pre-op stuff. Fortunately the CT scan, ultra sound, and x-ray were done pretty quickly and we were able to rule out the shunt. Of course at that point I felt so bad for dragging poor K to the hospital making him wait, get even more tired, get poked, and prodded. I felt like my mother's intuition had left me for the night. I usually just know when we can stay home and wait it out and when we need to get to the hospital. Half way through our stay I was beginning to think that I had been really off. That is a disconcerting feeling as a mother. But even through all of those discouraging emotions that strong feeling that "I know my K, and my K is not right!" would not leave me alone. Fortunately the medical staff were equally concerned. They had tried to rouse him a few times as well and had been slightly alarmed at their own inability to do so. I was searching my brain for any other clues as to what could be going on when the neurosurgeon finally asked a question, about any medical changes K may have recently gone through, which seemed to flip a switch in my mind. The increased dose of his medicine! We looked up the side effects of that particular medication and it was right there in black and white. Every single symptom we had observed. The decision was then made to admit us to a room and observe K through the night and morning. I was so tired I could barely move after 8 hours in the ER. We didn't get a whole lot more sleep during our 9 hours in the pediatric unit, and I must say home and my bed have never looked so wonderful! Tomorrow I will take K to his pediatrician for some follow up observations. Dave was able to take the day off and hang out with Noe and Jay. He did the dishes and all of my shopping with a 2 and 4 year old. Be still my beating heart. :) Thanks again for caring and loving our family.

The One Where Wendi's Friend Rachel Takes Over the Blog to Give You an Update

First and foremost K is okay and his shunt is okay. They did all kinds of test and a CT scan and they believe that his lethargy and illness is due to the increase in medication mentioned in this post. Wendi & K are still at the hospital. They were in the ER until 4 a.m. and then finally got a room. So Wendi is completely exhausted and going on about 2 hours sleep. They expect K to be released this afternoon. I will just leave you with the facts for now. I am sure Wendi will fill us in with more information when she has gotten a little sleep. :)

Calling my praying friends...

I am preparing to take K to the ER. Although I have no idea if he is dealing with a typical illness or if something is going on with his shunt I thought I would send out a quick prayer request. He is very listless and has slept most of the day away. He really doesn't want to wake up. He was a little bit more tired than usual this morning, but I didn't think much of it. I went to read at his preschool a couple of hours after we sent him to school and his teachers told me that he had slept during his entire bus ride there. They also said he was very tired and not his usual perky self. Since we've been home all he has done is sleep. He has vommited once. These are symptoms of shunt malfunction. Unfortunately the symptoms of shunt malfunction and regular sicknesses are so similar that as parents these are hard judgement calls. We just don't mess with it. I'm taking him to a hospital an hour away where I know they know what they are doing. His neurosurgeon also happens to work out of that hospital, so that is a good thing. I will try to update when I can. Thanks so much dear friends and family. I am tired and I have to admit this kind of thing does get my anxiety level up a bit. Stretching my faith, once again. Knowing that God is in control and knows exactly what K will need. ~Wendi

I wish there was another word for random - which still held all of the definitions that random does - that I could use. Random is too over used -

Some times I fantasize that I am by the ocean. Basking in the hot sun. And the quiet. The lovely quiet. I dream that there are not a bazillion demands on me all at once. In my day dream there are not truck loads of snot being distributed through out the house. No stubborn fevers. Certainly no miserable boys who are just well enough to get ornery, but still sick enough to be even more ornery. If they would be there, they would definitely be blowing their own noses. They would not be saying "mom, I need you to wipe my nose!" every 5 seconds - even though the tissues have been put on their level so they can take care of things themselves. Yes, I am having a lazy day. I am not feeling particularly servant minded today. And I guess if my relaxing little scenario were to come true I would also be missing out on a thing or two. Like the note I came home to last night, after every one was in bed, that said "Jay wants a kiss". And the sweet half asleep boyish smile that I was met with when I complied with said note. The "cuddle mommy, cuddle. No feel good mommy!" From Noe this morning and the 20 minutes of heartwarming closeness that followed. I guess in the end, I would not choose the lazy life. Still, a little less snot would be appreciated at this point. Onto non snot related content - If Dave and I are still healthy tomorrow we are going to hang out all afternoon to celebrate my birthday. There is no other way I would rather celebrate than hanging out with him. Being silly, getting some time to talk in the midst of our busy lives, - just togetherness. We are going bowling - which is what we did on our first date. :) Good times. We are going to the mall and out to dinner too. He has also been asked to do a guest post tomorrow - we'll see if that works out. :) I'm really excited about starting my photo blog tomorrow - where I will be posting a picture to represent the treasure in each (er... most ) day of my 29th year. I've had the blog design up and every thing ready to go - just waiting for my 28th birthday for a starting point to begin the photo documentation of this next year. I'm so excited about starting another year! I wonder what all is ahead for us this year, what new things I will learn, and how God will use me. Some quick bloggy business and great appreciation as I close - The comments that have been left on the last few posts I have written have meant the world to me. I have felt so much encouragement and support pouring from all of you! Do you have any idea how important that is to me? Thank you! Also, you sure know how to make a girl feel good about a haircut! In the last couple of months I have received some sweet and meaningful recognition in the form of blog awards. Thank you. It truly has meant alot to me. Really. I know that it may not have seemed so since I have not acknowledged these awards on my blog. A couple of reasons. First - if I do not immediately act on the award given right when I see it, I will likely absolutely forget. And then, at a later date, I will try to acknowledge it and won't be able to find the post where it was originally given. Hypothetically. Second - I sometimes have a hard time coming up with a tactful way to post these awards. I sometimes feel like it comes across like "oh, look at me, people like me and I am now broadcasting it." Just seems a bit selfish. If you have passed an award on to me recently please know that you have touched me in a very special way by your affirmation. My love language is words of affirmation and it truly speaks volumes to me when you acknowledge, with your words, some thing that you have enjoyed from my writing. Oh - and a couple of more things. I'm really excited about making my mom's home made granola recipe that I haven't had in years and years. I will be posting the recipe to my recipe blog soon. And I am going to be driving Dave's (manual transmission) truck on my birthday date. Because I want to push myself to do stuff I don't necessarily want to do. Makes lots of sense huh?

This is my 195th post. Crazy isn't it? On March 6th I will have been blogging for a whole year.

Well wasn't this all rather haphazard.

Unsystematic even.

Kind of lacking regularity or a pattern.

Who am I kidding. Random is just such a darn great term...

Oh - I almost forgot. My dear friend Rachel is hosting a blog carnival. It's about scarves, and I have been a little scarf obsessed lately. Click on this button to find out more. If you haven't been to my Rachel friend's blog yet, you should. You'll love her!

Speaking of Rachel, her birthday is also in February and I'm sure one or both of us will be blogging about our annual Red Lobster birthday dinner. And I'm sure you will all be on the edge of your seats till we do! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

And he most definitely DID share with his mama

In the words of Kate Hudson in the chick flick I saw last Wednesday, Bride Wars, This is so not ideal. Better days ahead.

A give away winner and a tired vlogger

And yes, for the record, I did realize that the "in everything give thanks" message of the sign I made was quite applicable for my currant situation after I posted the video. :)

Parenting - alot of give and take

Today is a dark and rainy day - again. It's the third one in a row just like this. The boys are making it obvious that they are done with being cooped up inside of the house. We also have continued to deal with illnesses. K was kind enough to share his digestive malady with me. Jay and Noe have runny noses. I also am fighting off a nasty outbreak of poison ivy. I have no idea where it came from and why in the world it showed up where it did. The left side of my neck and collar bone is covered in it. Maybe I should stop making those organic necklaces out of the pretty weeds with three leaves or nuzzling those trees out back... ;) Today the boys and I are staying home from church due to our less than great health. I miss adults. :) Fortunately I am doing somewhat better today. Yesterday I could hardly move off from the couch. But I did. You know how as a parent you are sometimes pushed to physical and mental limits? That has been me recently. :) Dave had to run in to Home Depot yesterday and since I wasn't feeling well he asked Jay to accompany him. He knows that eliminating Jay from the mix here at home cuts my work load down considerably. Jay had just discovered Dave's old play station and was quite mesmerized with the micro machines game (so rad). He wasn't sure he wanted to go, in light of the amazing animated little cars. So, a surprised Dave went on to ask K if he wanted to go. K is just about the polar opposite of Jay in that he is a home body. :) His favorite thing ever is watching his DVD's , singing, and dialoging along with them. So, we were again surprised when K enthusiastically said he would love to go with Dave. Well, then Jay decided that he really wanted to go. All the while little Noe is grabbing for his shoes and anxiously trying to stick those chubby feet inside. He loathes being left behind while the 'big boys' hang out with dad. Because he is the baby (low man on the totem pole and all...) he has experienced that a time or two. So he was desperate that this time be different. "Ba-bye wit Dada! Ba-bye wit Dada!" was his desperate cries. Dave was standing there at a loss. Sweet man! He had promised Jay a trip into town, thought he would stay home with the play station, then was taken up on the offer. He had asked K to go when he got the negative response from Jay, and had never asked Noe to go. He really didn't want to leave me here with all of the boys in my state of illness. He really couldn't take more than one boy though because he needed to have his hands free to push a large flat bed cart full of his supplies. He was just standing there like "Now what do I do." I was semiconscious on the couch half way watching the whole humorous episode. Let me just say we are not at all condoning a child led house hold. :) Our boys don't just get to do whatever they want. Typically when they say no to some thing, then change their minds, too bad. They are learning about the impact of their own decisions, so once they decide -that's it. In this particular situation though Dave had promised Jay a trip to town and had switched car seats over, prepared for it and wanted to keep his word. He had also promised K. We are firm believers in being parents of our word. Building trust in these guys is a high goal of ours. If we don't think we will be able to follow through we will neither offer it nor threaten it. :) So, this sweet daddy is standing there looking all compassionate and befuddled. It is so rare that K actually wants to go do something, that we are really wanting to nurture that and allow him to do this, but even just having K along would have required a cart just for him in addition to the big one for the supplies. Although Dave is a super hero to all of us, he just didn't have the amount of hands needed to accomplish this as well as gathering his supplies. As I began to peel myself off of the couch Dave and I made eye contact and just began laughing so hard we couldn't stop. We both knew what the solution was going to end up being and we were cracking up over the absurdity of parenting. The laughing only intensified my stomach ache. So, a sick mommy and a sweet daddy took three happy little boys to town. As we were strapping K's new DAFO's (photo explanations of DAFO's here) onto him we realized that since we just went up a size, his old shoes would not fit over them. That made it necessary to make one more stop. New shoes for K. Who knew what we were getting into when we decided to become parents... :) Through out our Home Depot stop I used the cart to help hold me up. I got a few looks as we strolled through out the store. "Should she be here? Is she okay?" type looks, and this time they were warranted (Unlike the time I wrote about here. :). One of the strangest things about it all was the happiness factor. I felt like crap. Dave had a bunch of stuff he needed to do. But we held hands in the van as we drove and we laughed about nearly every thing. The boys all had huge smiles. I spent the rest of the day on the couch, Dave got alot done, and the boys all napped marvelously. Such is life. Such is parenting. Alot of give. And give, and give. And every now and then you get to take - a nap. :)

Sympathy does wonders...

You are all just too sweet! Even if it was begged for, the sympathy I received was comforting and so kind. :) Just wanted to post real quick to let you all know that today I felt wonderful. Ever notice how after you feel really pathetically ill your healthy self feels better than it did previous to the yuckyness? The pain is gone and I am able to eat and drink again. That, my friends, is a wonderful thing! I am still not functioning on full strength and battled a throbbing head ache today, but my relief at feeling so much better than I did during the weekend is enough to make it all okay. :) I would still really appreciate prayer as we plan to travel about 10 hours Friday afternoon. As relieved as I am over the present feelings of betterment, I was warned that there is more to come. Dread... ( Use your best granny voice for this part)"I am going to see a urologist on Thursday and hopefully learn causes and preventions". Having these issues makes me feel so old! :) I'm 27 for goodness sakes! Thanks again for all of the prayers and well wishes! You guys are the best!

The one where I shamelessly solicit sympathy

Have you ever wondered what someone looked like who felt awful, has not slept more than a few hours in 48, spent a morning in the ER, passed a kidney stone, could not keep down as much as an ice chip for 7 hours, and is a little drugged up? I bet you were just wondering what that would look like. You've come to to the right place my Friends!

Lovely.

Okay, so those of you who know me in real life realize that posting this picture was a very unnatural thing to do. I am usually just a touch too concerned about putting my 'best face forward' so to speak. :) I prefer my hair done, makeup on, ill looking bags under my eyes covered up - but I guess sometimes you have to make a choice. Do you want people to think you are cute or feel sorry for you? I'm choosing the latter today.

Feel sorry away folks... :)

Remember my post from Tuesday where I stated that I really didn't feel well? I had been in to see my doctor and was misdiagnosed and put on an antibiotic that I didn't need, while my body was actually dealing with kidney stones. I'm so thankful I had the nudge to go into the ER. The tricky thing is that my "prescription" is to drink more water than I think I can handle and, as I said, my body has not been accepting as much as an ice chip for most of the day. The good news: One stone is taken care of and I have been able to drink water for a few hours now. The bad news: The CAT scan they did in the ER showed several stones in each kidney. Yay. I have a million and one things to do before we head back to my home state for a visit. I have kids who need me. I have responsibilities. K has to be fitted for new ankle/leg braces this week. I'm struggling a bit with the timing of all of this. I am going to be contacting a specialist who I was referred to tomorrow and try to get in before we leave. There is a bit of concern as to why this is happening and we are hoping to get some answers. All of this is going on as we continue to deal with what was evidently a very abnormal pregnancy/miscarriage. The pathology report that was done after my D & C came back a bit perplexing, albeit inconclusive. I have had 7 blood tests following the miscarriage and am scheduled for my 8th. It's just sad when the people in the lab know you right when they look at you, with no need to glance at the paper work. We know all about each others kids and stuff. It wasn't a goal of mine, but hey if this is how God may work through me so be it. :) I'm hardly even feeling the pokes any more. Ah well, between the moments when I have felt yucky I have had some great times as well. One moment at a time right?