Jacob is 18

 When I saw a positive pregnancy test in June of 2004 it was almost like stepping in line for the roller coaster that could potentially bring some fear. The roller coaster that can also cause excitement and thrills that make your heart feel like it could burst.

Waiting in that line. Wondering what it would actually be like. 

Cautiously stepping into that small car. 

Having that feeling of finality as the seat belt is buckled and pulled tight. 

Well. There's no getting back in line now. 

Heart starts to beat faster. Not sure

But then it's fine. It's kind of fun. A slow start. Maybe a little jerky. The car seems small and confined. But its fine. 

Then a large hill comes into your vision. 

Hmm. Big hill. Cool.

But wait. That hill is connected to the the track you're on. 

The track this small car that you're buckled into has to travel on. 

Wait. Wait. 

I can't do that hill. That's scary. I wasn't told about hills that go straight up like that! I thought they would be smooth and just slightly elevated. 

But somehow you make it through and on the other side it's flat and kind of fun and chill again. 

Until the next hill pops up. 

Parenting Jacob, in a slightly ill fitting analogy. And for the record, I have enjoyed it more than I enjoy roller coasters. ;)

The point is that here we are at 18. "The end" of some parts of parenting. Only the beginning of so many aspects as well. It's been a ride. Each "hill" has shown me to respect this thing called being a mom more and more and to rely on God for each decision. 

For each heart to heart talk, 

each moment I thought my heart could not be more full, 

each disappointment, 

each second of sincere love and pride in who God is making you to be. 

I didn't know it would be like this. Pouring into the baby and little boy you were. Sometimes being so depleted of sleep and energy to try to be everything you needed, but always being recharged when those sparkly blue eyes looked up. Those eyes - so full of life and adventure and mischief. I didn't know it would feel like a piece of myself was growing along side of me and that as I watched you experience life's hurts and hills and valleys, I would too. 

I realized fairly early on that everything about parenting you would be different than my first experience with motherhood. The milestones you hit were thrilling and the strong will you demonstrated was exhausting. But always always, watching you, loving you, parenting you - has been one of the hugest honors of my life. 

On this roller coaster, there have been far more fun rides around smooth curves and enjoyable little hills than straight up climbs that lead to terrifying, heart stopping downhill drops. But they've been there too.  Mainly those downhill drops have been the thoughts that can invade my mind whispering ideas of failing you or causing pain. Of all the elements in my life - it's this one; the leading, guiding, loving, that I most want to get right. 

And I smile as I see the parts where I did. You know you're loved. You know that no matter what, you are welcomed, embraced, prayed for, supported. 

As hard as it is to believe, and come to terms with the fact, that you are 18 - I do believe it. Because I see a young man where a boy once stood. While you still exhibit some impulsiveness, which is reminiscent of that sparkly blue eyed little boy, I see how God has used life experiences to temper that and add wisdom. You are learning. You are growing. I am proud of you.

Here's to the next step, the next year, the next thing. In the next few months we will watch you finish school, graduate, continue to work, possibly move into a dorm, and start college. 

It is a joy, an honor, and something I will never take for granted to be able to parent you. Thank you for bringing so much joy and helping me to expand my life and heart. 

Love, 

Mom 

Jacob 's 17th

 Dear Jay,

My vision for the annual blogged birthday letters has been to type them each year and then on your 18th birthday to print them and bind them together into a book to gift you. 

I guess this means I have one more. 

There will be alot of "one more's" this year. I'm starting to settle that in my heart. It's such a bittersweet time. Remembering that bright eyed little boy who you were, to now watching those tentative first few attempts at using your wings. 

My promise to you as you turn 17 is that I will not clip those wings. God has created you as a wonderful human, in His very image, and He will guide you as you learn to fly. 

But know this (and I believe you do) - if those still-developing wings fly you to a place that brings regret or hurt, and bring you to places you wished you'd never gone, I will be there. The more you grow, I grow. The more you learn, I learn. I'm learning that tight rope balance of giving space and reeling in. Of letting you decide and of gently guiding. 

I read books about parenting, especially parenting boys, in the early years of your life. Some things were vaguely helpful - some things laughable. A book could never have prepared me for roughly 85% of what I've learned through simply going through life with you. Seventeen years of growing along side of you. 

You have delighted us, disappointed us, surprised us, and made us proud. You have shown us so many things about God's deep unchanging love. 

I respect who you are now and who you are becoming. Maybe I view things through a very mom tinted lens, but the potential I see in you has no limits. I think I actually see you through a God tinted lens. And what He says about you far outshines any over-the-top mom thoughts I could have. Even beyond the talents you have, what I love to see is the joy you find in them. Whether it's fishing, tennis, golf, music, forging, or the many other things you dive into, it's just fun to watch you enjoy them! Music especially stands out to me. I hope this is always a big part of your life. I see the calming effect is has on you and the connection to God it gives you. From a very young age you have been able to hear things musically and express them beautifully. 

So here we are. Nearing the end of your junior year. Alot of life lessons learned this year. Some aren't the ones I would've necessarily picked for you - but mom's not in charge. God is (thank goodness). He see you, He knows you, He defends you, He sings over you, He had purposes for your life before you were born that are so much bigger than anything I could dream up. I'm realizing more and more that I am but a small part of your big story. God knew a part of His unfolding plan was you. It's a privilege that He chose me to help bring you life. It's hard for a mom to transition from being life source and the one keeping you safe, to the one praying as God leads you and directs you. We're in the midst of this. Sometimes I fail and overstep. Sometimes I shrink and don't say enough. But through it all I love you fiercely. We'll keep learning and growing together. I'm praying for you always.

Happy happy birthday. I can't wait to get a front row seat of your continuing life story. I'll always be the one cheering the loudest. And probably crying, because it's me.... 

~Mom 

Jacob is 16

Dear Jay,

Sixteen came a bit sooner than I was prepared for, but that is just a mom thing and we moms always do eventaully process through and deal with it. It used to be that I would look at you and all I could see was a memory of my heart like this

 

Or this...

 

But, I am finally getting with it and seeing reality for what it is. 

You have matured greatly in the last year and you truly are one of my favorite humans.  I look forward to our conversations about politics, music, girls (girl, currently), Life, God, the shows we like, etc.   I know you often see yourself in comparison to your brother Noe and somehow you feel you come out lacking. You are not lacking. 

Although I still laugh at your jokes and constant labeling that he's the smart one and you're the cool one. ;) Silly boys.

I pray we love you all well and that you can truly see your unique and individual worth. 

You do have great style, ;) a fabulous sense of humor, and admirable sense of wanting things right in this world. Your innate musical talents are a beautiful thing to hear and watching you grow in this area is a joy! 

I'm watching qualities emerge from you that I have not seen much of before this year.  Lots of good things. Your leadership qualities have always been there, but I think there were times you were resistant to them. Like, they have been dormant within you, waiting for their turn to shine in your personality.  I have a few theories, not the least of which has to do with the fact that you were not born an oldest. You were born a little brother. I think you had to choose. Choose to step out of your birth order and into the role God has for you. And I see some good choosing. It is in my prayers often that you embrace fully the leader that God wants you to be and you see the eyes watching you. Responsibility is much, but I know you have it in you to do this well. 

 I am proud of the driver you are becoming (Now that I am finally getting used to the fact that you are a driver). I took note when one of your first interstate experiences was not the best - but the next time you were driving with me you chose to get right back on the freeway instead of taking back roads. It made me happy because I know that I tend to shrink from challenges or potentially difficult situations. And I want better for my kids. I want better for myself and have fought hard to step up and be a good example in that. 

 I know I fail often. I know that so much of the good I see in you Jay, is God, and all God.

In spite of me - God has you and is molding you and working on your heart. Getting a front row seat to this and being your mama is a huge privlege. Thank you for your patience in this process. For not rolling your eyes too bad at my emotions and sometimes cheesiness. ;) 

 You are navigating all of this new in your life well. Some days not so well, but mostly well. It's been a strange school year. Again. I see the struggle But I see you hanging in and continuing to grow. We are proud of you. Very very proud and happy with you. I'm looking forward to another year - watching you continue to be you and strive for all God has for you. Happy happy 16!

 

Also, thanks for always letting me photograph you. ;) 

Love,  Mom

Jacob turns 15

Dear Jacob,

Today you are 15 and I'm going to try to articulate this years birthday letter in a simple and concise way, even though my heart and mind would love to go crazy on all the feels. Here's the deal,  You know I am emotional and over the top and I know you aren't. ;) So, I will respect you. Because today is about you. (And maybe just a little, about me.) 

First of all, simply put - I like you.  I like who you are becoming and am in awe of how much you've grown in the last year.  

I'm also proud of you.  Proud of the self motivation that we are seeing this year.  Much improved and so good.  Thanks for putting the work in.  I see the maturity! I see the choices. 

I'm so glad that your high school experience is proving to be far superior to your middle school years. RIP middle school. 

I know lately there have been a lot of those "mom, you're random"  and "mom, why are you so weird" moments.  It's ok.  it's all pretty true too.  Here's the deal.  I don't think I'm overly delusional, but sometimes when I look at you I see this

Instead of this

But in my heart I know the truth.  You are unmistakably no longer our little Jay.  I want to give you that recognition.  I hope you see I really am trying to let you lead some of your own decisions - forge your own path.  Hopefully it will get easier for me to let go and not be over protective. 

I do trust God with you.  He has created you with many purposes and I can't wait to see a lot of that unfold! I love seeing your talents and personality really come out. Your fascination and knowledge of vehicles and mechanics.  How things work.  Your desire to learn more.  

A lot of the weird mom moments didn't just pop up in recent history, but started before you were even born.  After Joshua died I desperately wanted to have another baby.  Head knowledge said that I was over the top busy with caring for a very young Caleb and his many special needs.  Heart knowledge didn't care.  I wanted you, prayed for you, and then found out you were on your way to our arms.  Then, silly human nature, was immediately scared.  I knew pre-term labor was not just a thing of my past.  I spent weeks, months, in fear that I would not get to keep you. 

But we did. We got to keep you. Our precious third boy.  You came to us with a strong will and very fully functioning lungs. 

Nothing was like I thought it would be and you continue to show me that you are your own person.  You are not me, you are not my idea of who you should or would be, you are not your brothers, you are not your dad.  You are unique, with unique ideas and beliefs.  I pray that each year you will feel our love and approval and that you will grow in each of those things! 

Please know I do not intend to ever expect you to be anything except Jacob.  It has taken me a while to learn this.  This acceptance and lack of my own expectations.  Just a knowing that you were made in the image of God - for His purposes, not mine.  Still working on all of this. ;) 

The balance of 15 is knowing you still need guidance and boundaries, as well as the knowing that you need space and some independence.  

Thank you for listening to us.  All the talks about dating, driving, school, friendships, working, your future, decisions. I know you don't always want to hear it, but you have been gracious about pausing and truly listening.  Even asking for advice.  Let's keep that up.  I want you to always come to us and know there's not judgement here. There's wisdom, advice, strong feelings, maybe a "no" here and there, but there's always love, so much love behind it all. 

Part of the interesting thing for all of us at this stage of your life is that you are not our first born. A third born should not have to be the one that parents are, in a sense, "learning on". But I can't change that.  I can't change how your birth order just doesn't line up with our family dynamics.  And I pray that God will continue to give us grace as we cover uncharted territory with our third born in a first born position.  It's all new and we are taking steps with you, going down paths that we haven't yet had to with any of our other boys.  

You are valued, you are so important to us, and you are one of a kind.  I am blessed to be your mom.  Thanks for letting me in to your Star-Wars, Stranger Things, gaming, go-cart, music loving, moments.  I know in the next few years others will rise in importance and my role will change a bit.  I know you'll never need me the same way you used to.  And I am just so thankful for the privilege to be the one you will always call mom. 

Thanks for your patience in the journey. 

Mom

Jay turns 14

Dear Jay,

There you are above, a freshly turned teenager one year ago, and then an image from just a couple of months ago.

The changes that have taken place between those images are staggering to me.  I know you'll roll your eyes at that. ;) You're you and likely don't see it, but wow does life seem to speed up between 13 and 14!  I feel like I am getting to know you all over again.  The fully established teen-age you.  So, just be patient with me and I promise I'll keep striving to be patient with you.  K?

Like, I need to give you space, and I know that.  But maybe sometimes I'm still living in the past a bit and have a hard time wrapping my brain around the fact that we may be past the stage where going to the movies with your mom might be the most fun thing in the world? I'll try not to be too mad about the fact that I literally got in to marvel movies just for you and now that I actually am counting down the days till the next one, you don't really want to go with me.

Not mad

not mad

not mad.   ;)


I'm sure you feel like all I do is repeat stuff to you - like "take out the trash"
and "DO YOUR HOMEWORK"

and "do your homework, and do your homework" and a million other repetitious reminders.....

Please, please know that this comes from complete love.  Of course this sounds stupid to your 14 year old brain.  But read this in a few years and maybe maybe it will make a tiny bit of sense....

I want to give you good tools because watching you use your mind (which I think is just brilliant) with these tools is a complete joy to me.  Because I want you to excel in the things your heart is set on and will be set on! Because I want you to know the joy of having responsibilities done and getting ahead! Because you are so much more capable than you know!

We love you, Jay!  You are incredibly important to this family.  I see days when you do not believe this and I would yell it for all to hear, if I didn't know that would be horribly embarrassing to you. ;)

I love your sense of adventure and lack of fear! I love your humor.  I love your straight forward faith. Your rejection of drama and conflict is admirable.

Parts of me wish I could actually remove all drama from your life. Wish I could make school easier.  Wish I could always see that bright smile, and never that downcast discouragement.

But I also know, that if I step back and let you feel, hurt, get uncomfortable, and learn - it WILL better you.  I know our God lives in you.  I know He is working actively in your life! I know he will carry you through, buddy.  As I step back, he will carry you.

As we begin this next year together let's try to keep loving each other well.  Wether that means stepping back, advocating for you, stepping in, hanging out, listening to music, picking guitar songs,  laughing together.  Maybe a few movies? Maybe? ;) I'm in it.

I pray that someday you'll perhaps see all of the behind the scenes stuff - the things I do regularly that are completely fueled by love - and KNOW that you know your worth and how treasured you are.

This year you have shown a lot of strength.
There was the teeth thing (shudder),
figuring out this whole 8th grade keeping up with school stuff (we're going to get this bud..),
Jazz band,
youth group,
A lot of new and learning and plenty of hard.


Remembering 14 years ago today - I worked harder than I had ever worked in my life to bring you into the world.  And that struggle started our slow and steady relationship.  You're one of my best buddies, Jay.  I pray for you daily, and love you fiercely.

Happy 14!

~Mom

Jay is a teenager

Dear Jacob,

I just read the letter I wrote to you on your twelfth birthday and it referenced a time in the future when you would be taller than me.
 Whelp.  Here we are.

You've grown a lot this year - in so many ways!

And here we are.  You are a teenager.  It neither matters if I am ready for it or if I know even what to do with it.  You are 13.

We love you so much and as I feel this tug toward you and push against you I hope and pray I will always make the best choice in the moment.

I love getting to know you at each stage.  And it does feel that way.  You are still our Jay, but growing with your own interests, convictions, and thoughts.  I like it.  I like you.

I know our relationship is far from perfect. Far.  From me *always* being cold and you *always* being hot  - and down the line of all of our differences - we certainly don't see eye to eye on everything.  But I know we remain buddies through all of that.

I hope you know how much I care.  That my constant badgering about homework and Bible reading and taking out the trash (Insert eye roll) - ALL of it comes form this place in me that cares so much for you and wants success for you.  Not just success in you education and taking responsibility - although important.  It's a far deeper passion in my heart that my kids seek Jesus.  Every day.  Every opportunity, dear Jay - seek Jesus.

Thank you for putting up with a total newb when it comes to this teen thing.  I'm login to figure this out.  Eventually.  Like, maybe when you're 20 or something.

I love you Jay. I pray for you daily.

A dozen years of Jay

Dear Jay,

You are the most fun pre-teen I have ever met.

 I think those "dreaded teen years" I've heard about are mostly a myth.  At least I think with you they will be.  We aren't there quite yet, and I suppose I could be wrong, but based on experiential evidence we are just going to continue to get closer and have all kind of fun together. 

You are my funny

and my crazy

and my caring boy.

Little bits of perfectionism are starting to break through your previously free spirited nature.  I admire your desire to do everything well, but my heart also aches when I see you struggle with the reality of imperfections in yourself.


Because you know what?  You are enough .  

Keep reaching higher.

Learn more!

Do those things that intimidate you, but are a source of true growth.

Stay up late to finish tough projects.

But never ever for a minute believe that you will be less in our eyes if you happen to fail.


Because see - we want to provide this place for you,

this home,

this love,

 this atmosphere - as a safe place to fail.

Fail and feel our love.

Fail and let us come along side of you and show you how to pick yourself back up.

Fail and watch us guide you - and learn from it.

Heaven knows your dad and I have both had ample opportunity to be an example of failing and moving forward this year.

Because some day - someday very soon, and much too soon for my liking - you will find your wings and you will be off to new adventures without us.  You are no longer our little Jay and I can already close my eyes and see you towering above me.

When that day comes - I pray that you are well practiced in falling well,

winning well,

losing well,

achieving well,

learning from your mistakes well,

knowing where to turn when none of it makes sense.


You are a bright spot in our day and an irreplaceable spot in our family.

Someday that youngest brother of yours isn't going to annoy you like crazy and you may even stop pushing all of his buttons {from my mouth to God's ears...}. ;)

I'm thankful for you, Jay.

You make me laugh and always have some interesting facts to share.

 I love how we share new movie trailers or book releases or songs with each other.

I love how we share complete grogginess and push through our desire for more sleep every week day morning at 5:30.

I love when you ride your bike next to me while I run and you tell me "I can do it" up those hills.

I love that you are patient with K and you are learning more and more the value of sharing life with one who has special needs.  From the deepest part of my heart - this means so very much.

 I love how patient you are with me as you teach me all about your new Wii U games. You just want me there with you, even if I'm super crappy at gaming.

I hope you will want me with you for years to come.

Happy 12th, buddy.   I love you.

Mom

Dear Jay - the night before the big 11

Dear Jay,

I just tucked you into bed - a ten year old.  Tomorrow we greet an eleven year old.

You are wise, you are fun - and still so full throttle.  From day one...

You ushered me into these new things.

Some of them were really, really hard.  You were hard.  And I remember that dichotomy of emotion... How could someone so soft... be so hard?

You are my precious Jay.  I love you so much - sometimes it feels like a physical ache.

The memories of the last 11 years...

Oh man.  What a huge blessing you are.  I can't imagine - don't even want to imagine - what my life would look like without you in it.

 Buddy, I hope you see it - what I see, what your daddy sees.
 This boy who has become a pillar in our family.  You have become so mature, so responsible, so helpful this past year!

You are unique and energetic.  Your role with your older brother has transitioned to something you truly embraced.

That chokes me up.  It warms me from the inside.  That ^^ That is God in you, buddy.  We have seen identity struggles in you, we have seen a kick back, obstinance, stubbornness, and then - this year - a slow surrender.  A subtle shift.  An accepting; embracing.  And Wow.  So much came with that.

You do Big Things to my heart. -Always have. ;)

Your sparkling eyes can shoot arrows or captivate.  You posses so much talent, so much fire, so much potential - it nearly takes my breath away.

We've got this connection - honestly it's one I never could've dreamed!  But here we are.

When I was just becoming a mom I felt that pre teen boys were foreign to me and I would basically screw that stage of my life all up.  It scared me a little, because I had no interest in parenting that stage.  It seemed awkward.

No one told me it was heart melting, beautiful, rewarding, and eye opening.  Is it hard? Yes. {duh}

But it's my favorite.  :) You have never been more dear to me.

Happy 11.  Thank you for changing my world.  You make it better every day.

~Mama