Jacob turns 15

Dear Jacob,

Today you are 15 and I'm going to try to articulate this years birthday letter in a simple and concise way, even though my heart and mind would love to go crazy on all the feels. Here's the deal,  You know I am emotional and over the top and I know you aren't. ;) So, I will respect you. Because today is about you. (And maybe just a little, about me.) 

First of all, simply put - I like you.  I like who you are becoming and am in awe of how much you've grown in the last year.  

I'm also proud of you.  Proud of the self motivation that we are seeing this year.  Much improved and so good.  Thanks for putting the work in.  I see the maturity! I see the choices. 

I'm so glad that your high school experience is proving to be far superior to your middle school years. RIP middle school. 

I know lately there have been a lot of those "mom, you're random"  and "mom, why are you so weird" moments.  It's ok.  it's all pretty true too.  Here's the deal.  I don't think I'm overly delusional, but sometimes when I look at you I see this

Instead of this

But in my heart I know the truth.  You are unmistakably no longer our little Jay.  I want to give you that recognition.  I hope you see I really am trying to let you lead some of your own decisions - forge your own path.  Hopefully it will get easier for me to let go and not be over protective. 

I do trust God with you.  He has created you with many purposes and I can't wait to see a lot of that unfold! I love seeing your talents and personality really come out. Your fascination and knowledge of vehicles and mechanics.  How things work.  Your desire to learn more.  

A lot of the weird mom moments didn't just pop up in recent history, but started before you were even born.  After Joshua died I desperately wanted to have another baby.  Head knowledge said that I was over the top busy with caring for a very young Caleb and his many special needs.  Heart knowledge didn't care.  I wanted you, prayed for you, and then found out you were on your way to our arms.  Then, silly human nature, was immediately scared.  I knew pre-term labor was not just a thing of my past.  I spent weeks, months, in fear that I would not get to keep you. 

But we did. We got to keep you. Our precious third boy.  You came to us with a strong will and very fully functioning lungs. 

Nothing was like I thought it would be and you continue to show me that you are your own person.  You are not me, you are not my idea of who you should or would be, you are not your brothers, you are not your dad.  You are unique, with unique ideas and beliefs.  I pray that each year you will feel our love and approval and that you will grow in each of those things! 

Please know I do not intend to ever expect you to be anything except Jacob.  It has taken me a while to learn this.  This acceptance and lack of my own expectations.  Just a knowing that you were made in the image of God - for His purposes, not mine.  Still working on all of this. ;) 

The balance of 15 is knowing you still need guidance and boundaries, as well as the knowing that you need space and some independence.  

Thank you for listening to us.  All the talks about dating, driving, school, friendships, working, your future, decisions. I know you don't always want to hear it, but you have been gracious about pausing and truly listening.  Even asking for advice.  Let's keep that up.  I want you to always come to us and know there's not judgement here. There's wisdom, advice, strong feelings, maybe a "no" here and there, but there's always love, so much love behind it all. 

Part of the interesting thing for all of us at this stage of your life is that you are not our first born. A third born should not have to be the one that parents are, in a sense, "learning on". But I can't change that.  I can't change how your birth order just doesn't line up with our family dynamics.  And I pray that God will continue to give us grace as we cover uncharted territory with our third born in a first born position.  It's all new and we are taking steps with you, going down paths that we haven't yet had to with any of our other boys.  

You are valued, you are so important to us, and you are one of a kind.  I am blessed to be your mom.  Thanks for letting me in to your Star-Wars, Stranger Things, gaming, go-cart, music loving, moments.  I know in the next few years others will rise in importance and my role will change a bit.  I know you'll never need me the same way you used to.  And I am just so thankful for the privilege to be the one you will always call mom. 

Thanks for your patience in the journey. 

Mom