Educating our boys

 In about five years our kids will be done with K-12 school. I’ve been having a lot of thoughts lately about our choices in education. 

I feel strongly that schooling for our kids is a very person choice and I have deep respect for the choices I’ve seen people around me making for their kids. I see Instagram stories of mamas who are absolutely slaying the homeschool scene and honoring the choices they are led to make. I see amazing private schools helping raise up this generation in great ways. 

I was homeschooled K-12. Dave went to Public school. We prayed and talked at length when we were deciding how our kids would get their education. Part of my brain had a hard time registering that I was sending them to public school, since my schooling was so different than that. Every year we consider each of our boys unique learning situation,  emotional/spiritual well being, and the circumstances surrounding them and we pray over if any changes need to be made. 

We have felt a very clear direction so far each year that having them at western schools is exactly where they are supposed to be; where they are supposed to influence,  bring light,  and learn. While we are wide open to that changing, even mid school year,  so far it has not. 

I am so proud of our boys for being a light in their school. They will not graduate unaffected by the environment and some of the more negative aspects of this choice. I have had individuals in my life who subscribe to an anti public school thought process who will point out the above statement. And I will say that yes,  this is true. 

Here’s what I’m saying though. We, as humans on this earth will not “graduate” from this broken environment unaffected. Grace enters the equation and teaches us about God in our heart break and failures. But on our way through we will hopefully be grasping for any and all who will hear about the One who took our broken and fixes it daily. That brings light to the corner where we are. 

I know I don’t have to defend my position - because all who know our hearts know we are deeply nurturing and we continue to be protective of the boys’ young hearts in their vulnerabilities. 

But now -  I just tear up when I hear about the fruit we are seeing now. Noah straight up shared the gospel in his ap prep English a couple of weeks ago and I believe there’s a light shift in that building. I hear story after story,  and I know many go unseen and unheard, of each of the boys being willing to sit with/befriend/reach out to those who need friendship and light. I pray revival over that building every time I’m there or simply drive by. I’m also sending the Holy Spirit into that building as he works and lives and breathes through my sons. 

Of course there are times they fail as they are learning and forming their world view and figuring out life. They aren't always the light, But the God within them never fails and is always light; can only be light and the darkness can never extinguish it (John 1:4-5).

We’re setting them up for life here and then bolstering them and building them up for the life to come. I don’t believe this particular way of parenting and schooling would go well without our village. And so we have many pouring into them,  on the public school campus and off. Every chance we get we and others pour truth and life and love into them,  and then we send them to do the same. 

In which I declare our desire to be uncomfortable

So, this happened on Tuesday:

Guess who can hear herself think now?! ME! ;) 

It's strange

It's foreign

It has moments of hard

..and has its moments of refreshing and nice. 

Having just Kai here from 8:30 - 4 is an adjustment for this busy mama!

His sweetness mixed with the lack of need for competing for…anything has been a delight. I love this boy.

 I love him in the mix of chaos that is our family, and I am learning to love this new personality blooming on his own. 

For me… well, I am seeing that the fact that I have felt scattered and {beyond} unorganized all summer was not all just a reflection of my lack of discipline. With all four here, all day every day, I truly did struggle with getting any task done from start to finish. The past 3 days of the older three being in school has given validity to that theory. 

I believe I may have possibly been more productive in the past three days than I had been all summer. *grin*

This isn't to say that I love having my boyzees gone. 

They are my heart, and you all know that. 

But I feel a little bit like I can breathe. That's all.

I am clipping coupons (which I just couldn't find time for before)

I am planning meals instead of throwing convenience stuff together at the last minute

I am getting some valuable time in the Word - and actually ingesting it, instead of reading a paragraph over and over, while refereeing a sibling squabble, while overseeing play time out on the swing set

I'm spending more time in my "office" (desk between kitchen and dinging room with paperwork all over it) planning for my business… and getting so excited for where it is going

I'm editing photo sessions in half the time it used to take me

I am organizing my home

I am working on following God in obedience on changes in our budget

Oh - and LOOK! I am blogging!

I want to talk more about where God has us right now. We are daily seeking him for how our family can best serve him.

How we can represent Him best to His world.

About 14 months ago we felt a very strong tugging on our hearts towards some changes. He has since done some radical renovating of our mindset. 

He has placed within us a burning desire to follow Him with all that we are and all that we have.

To no longer buy into the "security" of any earthly thing. 

Not to live for the "American dream" of good education, good job, good paycheck, nice car, retire well, fancy vacations, happily ever after…. 

Those things are fine. Quite possibly even reflections of God's smile and blessing. But they become gods far too easily! We won't bow down to that. 

We went through the book "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan last year, and we were humbled to tears by chapter four, "Profile of the Lukewarm".

Guys, - many paragraphs in that chapter matched up way too closely with our hearts. Not cool. Not okay. 

This quote, "It is not scientific doubt, not atheism, not pantheism, not agnosticism, that in our day, and in this land is likely to quench the light of the gospel. It is proud, sensuous, selfish, luxurious, church going, hollow hearted, prosperity" pretty much hit its target deep in our souls and began ripping out the weeds of living for ourselves. 

Those weeds continue to try to grow back up and squelch the work that God has begun, but you know the truth.

New International Version (©1984) being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Francis Chan said that “Something is wrong when our lives make sense to unbelievers.” 

{And I would venture to add that there are times we need to take steps of obedience that won't even make sense to believers at times.}

And so, we are pursuing a life that may be uncomfortable. It is our prayer that we will be "unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn't come through"

We know that God wants us to serve him with every waking hour of our lives. Logistically, and from a practically standpoint, we are still seeking Him on what exactly that looks like. 

Dave applied for a ministry position a couple of hours from here, and we can/will pursue that more when we feel the nudge. In the mean time we have felt a "pause" on those plans as we take a few more steps of obedience that we didn't' even expect. God is bringing ministry opportunities to us right and left. 

Crazy how situations to serve present themselves all over the place when you seek. When you allow your eyes to be opened. When you ask for the mind of Christ. When your heart breaks for what breaks His. 

God has literally brought people in need onto our doorstep, into our places of work, and intersecting with all areas of our lives. 

It's exciting, folks! 

And overwhelming

and exhausting

and…. completely makes no sense… if God is not in it. :) 

He is. 

And He is growing us by leaps and bounds. 

{Hey, look at that. 3 kiddos in school and I get my words back.}

Have a great day, friends!! 

April 23rd, 2012: Last Monday night class

So you did it. "We" did it, as I accidentally said to you the other night, and then you took my face in your hands and made sure that it wasn't an accidental use of the word "we", but declared is truly a "we" in every sense of the word. 


That was really nice, and I may have gotten choked up. 


Kai was an infant when we made that final decision that yes, you would return to being a full time student.


While being a full time employee


and a full time daddy


and (heaven knows!) a full time husband (+overtime)


and involved in/passionate about ministry.




It seemed strange to be making a choice to do this. 


We knew that our already busy family life would be s t r e t c h e d beyond what we had known.


It was. Really.




I mean, a one year old, a three year old, a five year old, and a seven year old with some fairly high dependancies on us? Jumping right into a second degree with all of THIS on your plate?


But it was this strange peace seeping in and telling us "yes, this is go time" which pushed us ahead.




To say it went by fast and was a great ride would be a laughable lie.


It was a ride. 


Yep.


You worked hard.


You gave 110%.


You amazed me.


Over and over and over.


Some weeks you wanted to quit. 


Some weeks I think I would have begged you to quit.


Because I was tired.


And the light at the end of the tunnel would sometimes sputter and go really dim.


And, frankly, I wanted my husband back.


Dang school any way, right?




At the beginning I said, and vowed this in my heart, that I would support you. Be your biggest cheer leader. I wanted to help you through what I knew would be a stretching time for you. I told myself that I would not allow doubt/confusion/discouragement to cloud my focus on being that encouragement speaking into your life. No negative words about it. Even if that meant walking away for a few minutes, so as not to speak the words on my tongue.


I still remember the very day that I broke that vow, and the exact second that it sank in. 


It had been a tiring week. Home work had taken up every second of the time you had away from work. I can't remember which, but two of the boys were going through these crazy test-mama-till she cracks phases. And boy was I cracking all over the place. I was failure and tears and tired and maybe even a little bit of resentment. I was trying to schedule photo shoots and get groceries, keep the house clean (geesh - I would have settled for being able to complete one measly job I had started from beginning to end)but you needed to study... and we had these kids....




My mind was clouded with emotion, and I looked you square in the eye and said, "If I just knew... that all of this... was for something. Like, if I knew the pay off. If there would even be one. Like some kind of a reward, or something that we are looking to...working towards"


And I choked on the end of that thought because there was this burning in the back of my throat. A guilt and sheepish humiliation.


I sounded like a five year old and I knew it. I also knew that every word that was coming from my lips was contrary to the trust God was growing deep within my heart. The words tasted bitter in my mouth and I wanted to take them back. But we all know the deal with words and our inability to ever retrieve them. Where's rewind when we need it, right?


Ahh human nature. It certainly wasn't the first or last time I would struggle with such thoughts, but I did not speak them again.


This whole season of our lives was directed by none other than God himself. Who am I to question reasoning? If nothing else, it has been amazing for our growth as a family. Truly an evolving of character and learning to stand up to a challenge.


And you, really - you are a man who has shown himself to have the kind of work ethic and integrity that I am in awe of. You made a difference in your class room and you are making a difference in the world. I kind of can't get enough of you.


You finished strong, yes?! I am still cracking up at how the end all went down. I mean, what a better way to highlight how this entire 18 months played out except to 


be working on that final presentation


but have to take your 9 year old to the ER during those precious last few studying hours...


and find out he had fractured his upper arm bone in a fall...


and bring him home in that lovely sling...


in time to show our camper, which we have been trying to sell...


and then try to squeeze in a few moments of study...


until I rushed out the door to get the prescription...


only to find out that there is a shortage of the pain meds we need


and...


well, this last class has covered ethics, and world view, and has focused much on your priorities in life...


you may as well end on this note.Your family has always been #2, next to your Creator. And I love that.




So here's to the last 18 months. 


The times we didn't think we could do it. 


The frustration. 


Late, late Monday nights.


A schedule that owned us, and sometimes we shook our fists at.


Those writing project that made you crazy.


The long chapters, and chapters, and chapters that made your eyes nearly fall out of your head.


And all those A's baby! So, so proud of you.


Next Monday night you do not belong to the University. I have big plans. Think epic celebration. And on our budget, I'm talkin' at least two or three notches up from McDonalds.


~Love,
Your wife, who will be cheering the loudest for the rest of your life

I'm adjusting....

We had a great summer together.

They are ready for structure.

I am really ready for structure. 


They are in an amazing school that we have been very happy with.

The educators that God is using to help teach our kids are really wonderful.

We are blessed.


BUT it doesn't mean I didn't gulp really hard and take several deep breaths this morning as I walked out of the kindergarten class.

I'm excited.

They are very excited.

New lunchboxes with special treats, pencil boxes, show and tell... good stuff.

I'm blessed.

But, you know... I'm a mommy who just dropped off a kindergartner.

I swear that his whole life - from screaming baby, to strong willed fits leaving us speechless, to asking Jesus into his heart, to inquisitive 5 year old flashed in front of my eyes during the 15 minute drive to school.

I fought it and tried to think of anything else that I could conjure up.

But this is just how it is.


I am a mommy who just dropped off a kindergartner. 

Excuse me while I go breathe in the scent of his dear blanket.

Just some little updates...

..Because I am finding that being in my eighth month of pregnancy does not accommodate alot of brain power. Stringing words together in a way that flows nicely is out of my reach right now. Not sure when that happened, but I'm guessing it was some time between the new morning rush and the trying to go shopping with a two and four year old while catching my breath every 5 seconds and trying to make it home before K's bus, washing, folding, and putting away tiny baby clothes, while trying to catch my breath every 5 minutes, and averaging 4-5 hours of sleep each night. So here it is. The post that takes as little brain work as possible. Updates~

School He loves it! He grins every day when the bus gets here. Last year he went to preschool on Mon. Wed. and Fri. from 12:30 - 3:30. Adjusting to every day kindergarten from 8-12 is taking some time, but he's catching on to the new routine. At first when I told him he would be going on Thursday he laughed and said, "You're teasing mom! I go to school on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday!" I was surprised that he remembered - because that was a while ago, but that is how his mind works. We only have three days done at this point, but I think it is safe to say this is a very good thing. Jay starts his two day preschool next Tuesday. He can hardly contain his excitement! Lil' Noe asks every day "when is MY school mommy?!" - Don't rush things baby boy. You have two more years with mommy. There is definitely a fatigue factor in this household now as we get into a structured routine. The boys had been sleeping till 9 am before school started. I thought, ever so briefly, about waking them up at 7 for a couple of weeks before school started, to get them into the new routine, but really - they were sleeping till 9. I was not going to mess with the beauty of that. So, due to every one getting up two hours earlier than they were used to, there has been a few more fits, tired tears, and some over all general craziness going on. And the boys are doing some of those things too. Since the upstairs rooms of our house are all kind of turned upside down right now, all three boys are sharing a room. I have tried to sneak in to their room and just wake K, but every morning they all wake up as I open the door. All in all, we are adjusting, it is good, and I'm sure will get even better. Baby A few little surprises here. After a couple of mildly questionable signs I decided to ask my doctor to check my cervix when I went in for my shot yesterday. Ends up things are progressing towards labor a bit. I am just about 2 cm. dilated and baby is quite low. We'll see... I have heard of women being at that stage for weeks - sometimes even a month or two. I am currently 33 weeks. My doctor and I are hoping to get three more weeks in. I am taking my medication, which relaxes the uterus, every six hours no matter what now instead of "as needed". I am trying to slow down a bit, but that's tough do in a house full of little people. Wow - check out this for appropriate timing - I am totally having a contraction right now. I have contractions from about month 4 on - so it's no big new thing, they are just really coming more frequently. - And I took my anti contraction med an hour and a half ago. This could get very interesting. Your prayers for three more weeks would be much appreciated! Oh - and my friend Cori took some amazing maternity photos for me that I can hardly wait to show you! House (specifically bedroom project) It's crazy how much "behind the scenes" stuff has to go on in a project like this. Some times it seems like Dave works for hours and nothing has changed. In reality, he accomplishes a whole lot in that time, just not stuff I can see or touch. There are just so many little details. And it takes so much time. As I have been saying "We are getting there". :) Here's just a little sneak preview of what he got done last night. This is my European oil rubbed bronze waterfall faucet that just got installed in my jacuzzi tub {insert little school girl type screech here}. I have only popped into the bed room like 3 times this morning to look at it. A little bit of plumbing still needs to be done to get this all hooked up. Then we have more plaster and sanding to do so that the new dry wall is "perfect". For real - my Dave is a perfectionist when it comes to these things. It is both wonderful and frustrating. :) Once the wall seams and corners are "perfect" we will prime and paint, then do carpet, linoleum, and trim. And then we will move in. And I can do those final finishing decor touches... makes me So happy to think about And part of the decor will be a little bassinet by my bed. And tiny little diapers next to that... And oh my, I can hardly wait!! But really, I will. And I hope Malachi does too... Okay, I've used up my thinking allotment for the day. Sorry family - I may be rather useless for the rest of the day. And it's only 9:50 am... Oh well, they have been very forgiving of my absent mindedness lately.

I think we are all going to do okay with this new stuff-

He's getting so grown He's happy I only cried a little And then this friend came to the door with Panera bagels... and really, who could cry after that? Her timing was perfect Her baby just entered kindergarten We are both facing "firsts" and changes... But all in all this first, this change for us, went very smoothly We were all up and ready in plenty of time There was an excitement in the air K reported that his favorite part of his first day of school was "the numbers puzzle with hands on it" And that he got to sit on "the alphabet rug" And that Clare "hugged him alot" Ahh... life is good ...And back off Clare :)

Sometimes it's just more poignant...

In an effort to live in the here and now and to treasure memories, but not wallow in grief - to be so thankful for the overflowing blessings of the past 6 years... I do not allow myself often to dwell on those "what might have beens" I used to go there alot. It was okay for a time But there also came a time when I just knew that I needed to move past that. And oh how wonderful it has been to clearly see the beauty that I DO have in my life. Not what I could've had Or what they could've had Still - Sometimes... There is a lump in my throat as an image flashes across my mind of two six year olds getting on the bus together. Brand new backpacks proudly worn. A best bud holding K's hand. A best bud who looks a lot like him. Learning, reading, field trips, snack days, birthday cupcakes, together. Some times the sadness isn't so much for me, but for K. He would've loved it. So much. I lost a son... but he lost a twin. It was an unbidden image. - Not something I sat there and consciously placed together. But when it flashed through my mind - in my heart It took my breath away Milestones just make me think of him more.

Those voices in my head...

I haven't been sleeping well lately.

No reason really. I've heard there's this thing called "third trimester insomnia". Nice. I was up from 2-5 this morning. Frustrated that I couldn't sleep - then I started over thinking things. You know how it goes. Somewhere between my 2 am wake up and Dave's 5:15 alarm I started thinking about K starting kindergarten in one week. One week...

Oh my. I've been excited about it. I have been thrilled that he is finally taking that next step and all that this year will mean to him. I hadn't yet cried about it. And in those early am hours I found myself laying there in bed, cuddled up next to Dave, accommodating some kind of party in my belly for baby Kai, with tears streaming down my face. I wasn't really sad, more contemplative. I just couldn't stop the tears. At one point I was a little worried that the tears would puddle up and wake Dave up by floating him out of bed. But no worries. His alarm barely woke him up.

K is so ready. He has had three years of preschool. He loves to learn. His reading has improved over the summer. He'll be fine. I know he will be.

It's mommy who isn't quite ready. And my stomach tied up in knots. And my mind wandered. And I began a mental dialog that was kind of ridiculous....
 
"If you are this uneasy, you should just keep him home. Home school him. You are being lazy by giving your duty of teaching your child to some one else!" But we love the wonderful people who have worked with him so far. There are so many great programs to take advantage of for him in our school system. That has been a huge factor in encouraging our decision to send him to school... "He's still not potty trained, you should have been working harder with him! Who sends their poor child to kindergarten in diapers??" But I've tried. Oh have I tried! And now we are waiting on a specially made-for-him potty chair. He can't hold himself on a regular one and our little one is way too small now. He doesn't even seem to know when he is wet, when he has to go etc. I don't know what all he can feel with all of his right side weakness. I've tried...

"They won't know him. It's a new school, new people. What if they expect him to do things he can't? What if they don't know what he can do and have too low of expectations? 

He can't get himself onto a swing. 

He can't go up stairs himself. 

He will need help on and off the bus. 

Once he transitions to full days he will need help eating, and making sure that he drinks enough..."

What am I doing?? What is my roll? What is best for him? Will he be okay? Will I be okay?

I know he will be. And I know that eventually I will be too... Change has never been easy for me. It's always come fairly easily for K though. And he really is the one that this is all about. Not me. It's just that they don't know all of this

~ They weren't there the first time I held him - and freaked out over keeping the ventilator tube steady.

 
 -Or for his first bath when I marveled over that tiny hand...

Or during his first little photo session, finally at home, when we took his oxygen out for the first time and he slept so peacefully... -Or his first studio photo session when he was full of smiles and we just couldn't believe how good he was doing, but still wondered...

*Big sigh*

Have you ever been "shushed" by God?? I was this morning. :) It was kind of this still-ish small-ish voice. Whispering into my heart. Stop. Stop. They don't need to know all that. Let him go beyond those memories. He's not your tiny preemie baby any more. He's not. He's not one and a half pounds any more. He's 45 pounds. Let him be who he is now. Don't take on burdens you were never meant to. Just love my child. Love him and go with that deep knowing feeling that I have placed inside of you. Love him. And release him.

Deep breath. Stand tall. Grab the tissues. It doesn't end here...