Caleb turns 17!

Dear Caleb,

Wow buddy - Seventeen!!

I learn things from you regularly.  Despite processing delays and learning delays and all the words the medical community could throw our way - which essentially could mean "less than",  you are "more than".

More than the ordinary human who chases fame or image or the best possessions.

You are simple and honest.   Honestly, unappologetically, you. You are interested in what you are interested in and don't care if anyone looks down on that.  Veggie tales and Little Einstein's for life. ;)

I have tried, as these years seem to go by faster and faster,  to just savor *you*.  Who you are, not who we can make you through therapy, and medical intervention, and medication, and talking you out of being you.  It's such a trap.  And such an easy one to fall into as a mama.  - Being embarrassed by your behavior or apologizing for you, in the absence of your desire to apologize for yourself.  - Which I just noted as a strength of yours.  Yes, this mama has a lot to learn.  While there is value in continuing to nurture and teach you through acceptable social skills and independence, I know God gave us *You* for a reason, and learning to embrace all that he has for us in that plan is still a process we are journeying through.

So, thank you.  For all you are teaching me.  For taking me out of the ordinary to see the treasure inside of something that is falsely wrapped in disappointment.  Thank you for slowing me down and anchoring me in the here and now, while simultaneously lifting me to the eternal and heavenly.

I am not even going to give time to writing here about questions, future, anxiety, adulthood, and change.  Because today you are 17, childlike, happy, and fairly uncomplicated.  We're going to live in the moment here, even as we slowly educate ourselves on the next step in front of us.

Sometimes I just so badly want you to see my logic.  My brain.  My processing.  I repeat myself so often and just can't make you see it.  You do not filter the world the way I do.  You do not see logic.  So we do an awkward little dance of me trying to get into your world and gently pulling you, where I can, into mine as much as is possible.  It's pretty routine now.  The compromise.  The praying.  Sometimes the walking away because this is like a language barrier, and the frustration level is not worth the fight.

I just want to love you.

Oh how I love you.  I have never seen so clearly my purpose and God's intervention and guidance as when I look in your eyes and see your place in my life.

As I reflect on your life, I can think of at least 3 distinctive times that God has used you to give me hope.  Hope that had nearly faded and I was desperate to find again.  While there may have been times that you have seemed to have been the cause of my hopeless feelings, I will never forgot the times that simply the thought of you has given me just the hope I needed. And in the moment I needed it the most.  Because the privilege hidden in the facade of frustration here is that you need me.  More than most mamas are needed, I have the biggest purpose.  When my life feels like it's crashing around me - there's you.

I have to be anchored, and strong, and soft, and nurturing,
and kick the discouragement, or desperation, or disappointment to the curb.  Because there is your smiling face and silly breathless laugh.  God gave you to me - sometimes to give me a desire to continue on.  It's one of his jobs for me. You need me. I need you.

Why me? I have asked it in frustration and I have asked it in complete and utter awe.

Of all of the amazing, qualified, strong, beautiful individuals He created - why were you born early, into my arms?

Because this is his plan, his shaping, his love - pouring through you - all around us. Like light pouring in and through and around our family.  If I don't see it and appreciate it and respond with the greatest of gratitude always, and I surely do NOT, please forgive me buddy.  My mind gets clouded by the world I live in, but in my better moments I see you for the life changing gift you are.

Love always,

Mama