Caleb is 18

Mr. Caleb

Our "Peter Pan".  

 In some ways he'll never grow up.  And there's so much good and so much hard mixed in to that statement.  I'll never limit him, but I'll also never lie about who he is and what life is here on a broken earth. 

He is such a gift to us.  He always will be. And the journey of really embracing that is one that stretches us and fills us. 

We are making decisions with his safety and future in mind currently and I pray that each parental decision is one that has his best interest at heart and shows our love. Oh I pray this  - on the daily.  So many decisions and hoops and phone calls. 

We have big love for our buddy.  And so much we are still just learning and trying to figure out.  I know some days he gets the brunt of the unknowns and the frustrations and the distance between expectation and reality.  I'm so thankful he is patient with us. 

Caleb's intuition is the sweetest.  Bringing me my water "You need this mom". Bringing me my blanket when I have a minute to rest on the couch "want your soft blanket mom?". Pulling me super close and holding on tight for long hugs. He has always sensed when my emotions are off, even when I try to pretend everything is fine.  He just knows. 

And he knows he is an adult, by our cultures standards. We strive to give him the dignity of acknowledging that; nurturing his independence, while still protecting him. My eyes get all misty just thinking of this delicate balance now. He is so important. So worthy of love and respect. Made in the image of God and for a purpose! I pray he always feels these truths.

Sometimes I hear people talk of "My kid is so grown, I didn't give them permission for that! I wish they'd stay little forever." 

- I mean, I've even made these comments from time to time! 

But then there's this little part of me that thinks - "But you really don't want them to stay little forever". 

Because this is the rhythm of life. They hit milestones and they become more and more independent. Slowly they need us less and less, and eventually they are on their own.  

Now that I am within a different parental reality, where this isn't the case, my perspective is different.  

Our Caleb boy will need us for all of his life. There's something very affirming and motivating about being needed in this way. To think that God hand picked Dave and I to have this ministry - it's a big deal! But I would be lying if I said there was no grieving in it too.  Every milestone brings a fresh beauty and a fresh grief.  It just does.

We have to decide if we will love fully who he is, or try to put our square peg into a round hole. 

So we let him pick out his special things for his birthday.  -The toy train and the baby Einstein puppet.  Things he truly loves. We will let him shine and not put the weight of the world on him.  He is too precious for that. 

I had the privilege this year of schooling him at home. It's something I've never done because to reach his full potential, I always wanted him surrounded by special ed teachers, therapists, and those who are educated in teaching him. And to be honest? - I didn't think I could do it.  I thought with his processing and learning, it was beyond what I could do. 

So, when I did it, I felt the greatest satisfaction.  To be fair - the most amazing teachers and school personnel have given him an amazing foundation and gave me all the tools to teach him. But what a gift to be able to see him learn and see how quick he was in mental math and reading and proofreading things. It was a sweet time.  Not devoid of frustration, especially in the beginning when I had no clue how to navigate the electronic learning platforms, but we made it to a really comfortable place of learning together! 

There was again a real joy and grief in this.  Seeing how smart and quick he is, when he actually puts his mind to it, is thrilling. 

 It really is.  

And then there is also the reality for me to see "second grade" and "third grade" notated on some of that work. 

He follows his own growth curve and it has always moved forward.  But I am not immune to those "cultural norms" and expectations that want to sneak in and steal some of that joy.  The joy of my 11th grader who is unique and beautiful and will never fit in to a box of normal.  {Also, none of my children will}

So it is in vulnerability and truth, with a heart overflowing with love, that I submit this birthday post.  In a little bit of a different tone and format than my usual birthday letters. 

Processing my oldest turning 18.  What a ride it's been. I asked God - begged him really, for a year. 

We got 18  - and move towards many more. 

Thank you Jesus.