Jacob is 18

 When I saw a positive pregnancy test in June of 2004 it was almost like stepping in line for the roller coaster that could potentially bring some fear. The roller coaster that can also cause excitement and thrills that make your heart feel like it could burst.

Waiting in that line. Wondering what it would actually be like. 

Cautiously stepping into that small car. 

Having that feeling of finality as the seat belt is buckled and pulled tight. 

Well. There's no getting back in line now. 

Heart starts to beat faster. Not sure

But then it's fine. It's kind of fun. A slow start. Maybe a little jerky. The car seems small and confined. But its fine. 

Then a large hill comes into your vision. 

Hmm. Big hill. Cool.

But wait. That hill is connected to the the track you're on. 

The track this small car that you're buckled into has to travel on. 

Wait. Wait. 

I can't do that hill. That's scary. I wasn't told about hills that go straight up like that! I thought they would be smooth and just slightly elevated. 

But somehow you make it through and on the other side it's flat and kind of fun and chill again. 

Until the next hill pops up. 

Parenting Jacob, in a slightly ill fitting analogy. And for the record, I have enjoyed it more than I enjoy roller coasters. ;)

The point is that here we are at 18. "The end" of some parts of parenting. Only the beginning of so many aspects as well. It's been a ride. Each "hill" has shown me to respect this thing called being a mom more and more and to rely on God for each decision. 

For each heart to heart talk, 

each moment I thought my heart could not be more full, 

each disappointment, 

each second of sincere love and pride in who God is making you to be. 

I didn't know it would be like this. Pouring into the baby and little boy you were. Sometimes being so depleted of sleep and energy to try to be everything you needed, but always being recharged when those sparkly blue eyes looked up. Those eyes - so full of life and adventure and mischief. I didn't know it would feel like a piece of myself was growing along side of me and that as I watched you experience life's hurts and hills and valleys, I would too. 

I realized fairly early on that everything about parenting you would be different than my first experience with motherhood. The milestones you hit were thrilling and the strong will you demonstrated was exhausting. But always always, watching you, loving you, parenting you - has been one of the hugest honors of my life. 

On this roller coaster, there have been far more fun rides around smooth curves and enjoyable little hills than straight up climbs that lead to terrifying, heart stopping downhill drops. But they've been there too.  Mainly those downhill drops have been the thoughts that can invade my mind whispering ideas of failing you or causing pain. Of all the elements in my life - it's this one; the leading, guiding, loving, that I most want to get right. 

And I smile as I see the parts where I did. You know you're loved. You know that no matter what, you are welcomed, embraced, prayed for, supported. 

As hard as it is to believe, and come to terms with the fact, that you are 18 - I do believe it. Because I see a young man where a boy once stood. While you still exhibit some impulsiveness, which is reminiscent of that sparkly blue eyed little boy, I see how God has used life experiences to temper that and add wisdom. You are learning. You are growing. I am proud of you.

Here's to the next step, the next year, the next thing. In the next few months we will watch you finish school, graduate, continue to work, possibly move into a dorm, and start college. 

It is a joy, an honor, and something I will never take for granted to be able to parent you. Thank you for bringing so much joy and helping me to expand my life and heart. 

Love, 

Mom