Jacob 's 17th

 Dear Jay,

My vision for the annual blogged birthday letters has been to type them each year and then on your 18th birthday to print them and bind them together into a book to gift you. 

I guess this means I have one more. 

There will be alot of "one more's" this year. I'm starting to settle that in my heart. It's such a bittersweet time. Remembering that bright eyed little boy who you were, to now watching those tentative first few attempts at using your wings. 

My promise to you as you turn 17 is that I will not clip those wings. God has created you as a wonderful human, in His very image, and He will guide you as you learn to fly. 

But know this (and I believe you do) - if those still-developing wings fly you to a place that brings regret or hurt, and bring you to places you wished you'd never gone, I will be there. The more you grow, I grow. The more you learn, I learn. I'm learning that tight rope balance of giving space and reeling in. Of letting you decide and of gently guiding. 

I read books about parenting, especially parenting boys, in the early years of your life. Some things were vaguely helpful - some things laughable. A book could never have prepared me for roughly 85% of what I've learned through simply going through life with you. Seventeen years of growing along side of you. 

You have delighted us, disappointed us, surprised us, and made us proud. You have shown us so many things about God's deep unchanging love. 

I respect who you are now and who you are becoming. Maybe I view things through a very mom tinted lens, but the potential I see in you has no limits. I think I actually see you through a God tinted lens. And what He says about you far outshines any over-the-top mom thoughts I could have. Even beyond the talents you have, what I love to see is the joy you find in them. Whether it's fishing, tennis, golf, music, forging, or the many other things you dive into, it's just fun to watch you enjoy them! Music especially stands out to me. I hope this is always a big part of your life. I see the calming effect is has on you and the connection to God it gives you. From a very young age you have been able to hear things musically and express them beautifully. 

So here we are. Nearing the end of your junior year. Alot of life lessons learned this year. Some aren't the ones I would've necessarily picked for you - but mom's not in charge. God is (thank goodness). He see you, He knows you, He defends you, He sings over you, He had purposes for your life before you were born that are so much bigger than anything I could dream up. I'm realizing more and more that I am but a small part of your big story. God knew a part of His unfolding plan was you. It's a privilege that He chose me to help bring you life. It's hard for a mom to transition from being life source and the one keeping you safe, to the one praying as God leads you and directs you. We're in the midst of this. Sometimes I fail and overstep. Sometimes I shrink and don't say enough. But through it all I love you fiercely. We'll keep learning and growing together. I'm praying for you always.

Happy happy birthday. I can't wait to get a front row seat of your continuing life story. I'll always be the one cheering the loudest. And probably crying, because it's me.... 

~Mom