The {Heart} of Christmas

What did you think

How did you feel?

Were you wrapped in the sorrows,

Of all you would heal?

Did your human heart break

Right when you were born

As you saw with men's eyes

A world that's so torn?

Glory Celestial

Collides in the cold

Down to terrestrial

To carry this load

Of pain, fear, and sin

Our hope starts to rise

The rescue begins

You wipe tears from our eyes

It could not have been clean

Your mild entrance here

A glimpse of humanity

Cries, blood, and tears

It's messy and raw

The state of our hearts

A reflection of that

Is how the plan starts

Our reach for much more

Our sad hopeless state

Just piles of dust

Mortal jars of hard clay

You joined us in that

As part of your plan

For only You could be

A pure spotless lamb

With desperation and need

May we see with new eyes

That rescue was ours

When we let You take the lead

To humbly bow

At your feet – seek your heart

Grasp the hem of your robe

Breath in Grace - to impart

Flooding it on

A world that's in need

Wherever we can

Planting that seed

We are rescued, bought back

Redeemed and made new

On our own we are nothing

Our only hope is in You

Beyond the manger

So much flurry around (in a figurative and literal sense).

I feel like an hour after the leftover turkey and trimmings were put into the refrigerator we were thrust into the "Christmas" season.

Four days after Thanksgiving was our kindergarten Christmas program. Christmas parties and events are soon to ensue. And I love them. I really, really do. I have always loved the festive atmosphere of Christmas time.

But this year... I don't know. My heart is burdened.

There were years,during my childhood, when I didn't understand why we always went away to a cabin at Christmas time. Just our family, away from the hustle and bustle of Christmas. Some of my favorite memories were during those simple family vacations, but I have to say, as I got older, there were times I missed  having the Christmas that my friends talked about.

And I just didn't get it. What were my parents doing? Why were we so different?

I think I get it now.

There's this tug at my heart. I want my boys to see past everything that is in their faces right now.


Dear K, Jay, Noe, and Kai,

How can I counteract the culture that is telling you this is the time that you can ask for {and get} everything your little hearts ever desired? Yes, we will present you with small gift. It is fun to look forward to something and to watch your faces light up with joy. It is good to teach you about giving as well as the joy of receiving.

But this season, this busy, crazy season, has become so meaningful to your mama. It isn't just because "it is more blessed to give than receive" and it isn't just because "it is the season of giving" and it is so much more than "about baby Jesus". 


I know you are all very young right now, but I pray, oh how I pray, that you will even go beyond those cliches of giving, however good they may be.


It is more than that.

Yes, we must desire to give. Yes, it is all about Jesus. But it is so beyond baby Jesus in a little manger.

It is about God becoming a man. Really try to feel that. God - who created everything, everything, entering our humanness. It's about crushing pain and feeling things so far below God status.


Oh please, please get this. 


There is an untidy side of Christmas. Get it.



His Life … Our Sins
Who is it we are
And how can it be?
He became a mere man
Next of kin, to redeem

What is this season
If not glitter and gold?
The dance of indulgence
Keeping up, getting more

Stop and be still
For a moment face silence
Enough is enough
Apathetic self-biased

Is it all sweet and pretty
Tied neat in a bow?
Sugar coating so thick
We can’t find the core

Enter the significance
Reach out, feel the ache
Shocking, cold humanity
Dreadful, dark, seeping pain,

Can you look at the ugly?
Search out the true reasons
Far surpassing the pageantry
That colors our season

A contradiction at birth
Creator resembling created
Pure, sinless, supreme
Tasting all that is tainted

Soon shrouded in sins
Of the most dreadful selection
Wrapping His innocence
In our own grave repulsion

Open wide your hands
Drop your fists full of greed
Look deep in your heart
Fall to your knees

Draped in perfection
Gone is your blame
He took it from you
Must you still grasp at stains?

This was his plan
His life for your sins
Born to complete
The most unbalanced exchange
Wendi - November, 2010

The Ultimate Father

There’s a Father shaped hole

In all of our hearts

Some have been filled

-Daddies doing their part

Time and attention

To each little princess

Firm in discipline

But generous with kisses

Yet not all have been blessed

With that affirmation

Which starts out their life

In the right direction

They search and they search

Sure they can fill

That deep and vast void

With a new kind of thrill

Met with surprise

Disappointment and grief

The hole only widens

Is there no relief?

Then one day they meet

The ultimate dad

He can’t disappoint

He’s the best love they’ve had

But scars still remain

Paths have been chosen

Choices were made

Hopes have been broken

While they searched for the love

Of the one who meant most

The first man in their lives

Designed to be close

His role is so needed

He can’t be replaced

By any earthy relationship

It can’t fill that space

How blessed we are

When it’s our God that we see

As our irreplaceable Father

The one whom we need

He’ll never leave

He can not lie

His love knows no bounds

He counts each tear and each sigh

He knows we’re but dust

He created our being

He won’t turn away

When to our humanness we cling

But he gently leads

He speaks to our hearts

His yoke is easy

Sweet grace he imparts

Our longing lover

The sweetest friend

The ultimate father

His love never ends

Poem

~The source of my strength~

Eyes so clear

Innocent hearts

Do I have the strength?

Can I do my part?

To channel these wills

Teach them respect

Show them your love

I must not neglect

Father they look

So deep in my eyes

Desiring security

To know their alright

Help me to show

This love for each one

Is freely given like yours

No matter what they've done

Some days I feel weak

Help me see my strength

It's not of myself

But of yours I must take

I am but a branch

And detached from the vine

I can not move mountains

I can't cross that line

Between failure and victory

Exhaustion and freedom

Daily life struggles

Require you that I lean on

These three little boys

And this gentle strong man

Need my support

To tell them they can

Please gently affirm

I have what it takes

Cause I see my weakness

And all my mistakes

You promise to equip

For all that I'm given

So I'm staking a claim

That this life that I'm livin

Is inspired by you

I'm where I should be

Give strength for each day

To be lived joyfully

Poem

~Forever Changed~

Two pink lines - excitement, disbelief

God’s answer to prayer

Anticipation

Pure joy


A changing body

Brand new territory

A new wardrobe

So much fascination


Protective feelings

Being so careful

Priceless cargo

Practicing caution


Small figure on the screen

His hand clasps hers in joy

Is it a dream?

Could there really be TWO?


Wonder and hope

Our two boys

Growing inside -safe and protected

Dreams coming true


Is it what she thinks it is?

A flutter of life

Can’t stop the tears of joy

Tiny legs and arms - connect with mamma


Planning for two

Dreaming each day

Talking each night

Naming our gifts


J.D. and Baby K

God’s precious boys

A closeness, a bond

Becoming more real with each passing day


Watched oh so closely

Seventeen weeks left

Fear grips, her body betrays

This was not supposed to happen


Plans derailed

Christmas with out her family

A prisoner to the couch

Hands clasped in prayer


A routine visit

It’s happening too fast!

So much activity

Some one go get the Doctor!


An unexpected wheelchair ride

What is happening?

Some one slow it down!

Some one tell me why!


God, please keep my babies inside!

Out of control emotions

Tears won't stop

Every move a potential danger


A week in the hospital

So many questions

So many medications

Hoping for more time


Each minute, hour, day, a precious gift

Please God, give us time!

Tick, tick, tick

Counting


A dull ache

She tries to ignore

It can't be

Hills become mountains on the monitor


“It can't be stopped, you are complete”

A strange peace

A silent strength

God’s hand


A stirring within

A connecting with her boys T

heir hands meet

Soon she will see them


No, no, no, no!!

She must protect

Resist the orders

Keep them inside


His clear blue eyes

His reassuring hand

Giving her strength

Telling her she can


Scared, yes, but excited too

It is happening

They are coming

It is time


A flash of pain

I can't, I can't!!

Light headed

It’s too much!


Time stands still

A quick glance

So tiny

Awestruck – J.D.


More pain

Searing her body

A turn inside

He’s here – Baby K


Hope glimmers

Tiny cries

Rushed away

Daddy’s tears fall


Empty

Too soon

Cold

Hostile environment


A visit to NICU

Is it a dream?

Could they be hers?

So miniature


So many tubes

What are the numbers?

Alarms every where

Beautiful baby boys


Fear intensifies

She tries to protect - not love

Too late

Her heart is theirs


Love overwhelms

Time flies

Time stops

Questions bombard


God help!

So many prayers

Tired, so tired

Time spent by isolletts


All a blur

Information overload

Too many medical terms

What does it all mean?


BPD, PDA, IVH, ROP

Jaundice, NEC, anemia

Apnea, bradychardia

Blood transfusions, surgeries


Not J.D.! - He’s the healthy one!

Life fades

Organs shut down

Numbness creeps in


Make it stop!

Let me wake up!

Let it all be a bad dream!

My baby, my baby, my baby!!


Decisions to make

Prolonging life or prolonging death?

When did she get so old? “I can't !”


“My grace is sufficient for you”


Placed in her arms

For the first time, tube free

She clings to the body

Beautiful, her first born son


Wanting to hold on forever

Needing to let go

God’s presence felt

Peace


Tossing and turning

Waking up in tears

“Why God??”

No audible reply


“My grace is sufficient for you”


She wants to be with him

She doesn't want the pain

It hurts too much

Take it away!


It is so permanent

 Too final

He is gone

Not coming back


Picking a casket

Planning a service

Choosing an outfit

 It feels so wrong


A double rocking horse

Matching crib sets

Two of everything

Take it away- it hurts too much!


She has to go on

A tiny hand reaches out

Baby K

Her hope, her motivation


A deep breath

A new resolve

He needs her

His daddy needs her


God has a plan

Life does go on

 Pain is still raw

Hope pours in


Ninety-six days in the NICU

So many brushes with death

Mommy’s little fighter

He beats the odds


God is so good

What they said could not be is now a reality

It is a miracle

A true blessing


He grows

He surprises all

He is home

Finally!!!!


Love so deep

Her passion

Her life

Her precious Baby K


The pain holds on

It hides close behind the smile

There were supposed to be two

He is missed so deeply


One of us is gone

A piece will forever be missing

We will carry on

His grace is sufficient


He smiles

A huge reward

He laughs

She cries in joy


He grows

1 ½ pounds become 12 ½

13 inches become 24

Progress


NICU days are gone

Never forgotten

Thank you God

My heart overflows


Wendi July 2003