And then 18 years passed

 I can't believe I made it.  

I made it through your entire childhood.

In two weeks we will celebrate 18 years since you and your brother's untimely entrance into the world. You two would very likely be completely hilarious together.  We will forever think of you as we celebrate Caleb's milestones. Eighteen whole years! 

Of course, at the time I could not even begin to imagine making it through 18 entire years. 

I didn't even think I would be able to open my eyes again, let alone breathe. 

The light felt like it would shatter my eyes. 

I couldn't imagine feeling anything but numb at first. I didn't think it would ever end. 

I willed the tears to come, and they just would not. 

Until they did. At the most inopportune times.  And then they wouldn't stop. 

And then I couldn't imagine a time that seeing other people laugh wouldn't cause an immediate anger reaction. 

One foot in front of the other - seemed the only thing I could do. 

I felt the hardness in my heart. One of the strongest temptations towards cowardice. 

Let it harden you.  

Death and shock and disappointment in my life. It would've been too easy to let this thick darkness slither its way around my heart. I felt it in a tangible way.  

This is how I know there is a God and He loves me.  

He gave me a way out. 

 I had to take it - reaching out a limp and shaking hand to take hold of real living.   

I could never forget the horror of what it feels like to hold a body without a soul. It's engrained on me in a way that can not be removed. You branded me and scarred me with love. 

And now I live softer.  18 years of choosing soft. Not a weak soft, although often it sure can feel that way, but a soft open heart.  Open hands. 

I'm not whole, but I know I will be - someday.  I can still feel poison swirling around me and within me.  I am a broken human. But the prominent presence surging within me is not me at all, but the presence of God. He indwells me with everything that is good.  I feel shrapnel residing in my heart. But it shares space with hope. 

I'm honored to have space in my heart just for you.  I have spent every bit of this 18 years loving you intensely.  And letting that love compel me to be better.  I fought for that. 

I never thought I would find the seeds of creativity within me again. 

I never thought I would feel delight in anything.

I never thought a sweet fresh from heaven baby would completely claim my love again.

I never thought I would see beauty in the mundane.

I never thought I would find great satisfaction in a hundred other things in life. 

I never thought the sunset would set my heart on fire again.

I never thought the sacredness of music would move me.

I never thought the loveliness of holidays and milestones would bring surges of joy.

But those are things God placed within me when he created me.  They don't go away unless my soul leaves my body. They may have been dormant for a while.  But in choosing life, I choose to nurture them again.  Warm winds of change blew across my soul.  Deep waters of staying close to God and his Living and Active Word poured into the trenches of disappointment.  And the things that I love bloomed every year - a little more and more. 

By the grace of God I am not at a place where I deeply grieve the fact that I missed all but 10 days of your childhood.  I see you as a true stepping stone in my life.  In these 18 years the fear, distrust, trauma, and anxiety poured in. That is some of the shrapnel.  These elements still remain, somewhat.  They will show their ugliness, from time to time in greater measure than others. But the growth came when I looked them square in the eye, named them, and told them they didn't have control of me.  

No, they're not gone.  But I choose love.  I choose God.  I choose joy. I choose believing in all the good I sometimes can not see. 

I choose to love you with every bit of my mama heart and not let losing you make me hard. 

{Not} 31 days of Blogging in October

Hi.

It echoes in here, I think. ;)


In the midst of building a photography studio, from the ground up,

Getting into the full swing of young 5's, 2nd, 4th, and 5th grade,

Coordinating a trip for 18 women from our church to a National women's conference, True Woman '14,

Being knee deep in fall photo sessions,

Finding myself back at the Center for Women weekly,

Cooking pumpkin seeds,

and watching these four small growing people who call me mama, change and mature each day -


I began to notice a few of my blogging friends dive into a "31 days of October" blogging challenge.


~ Ooohhh. Blogging every single day in October! That would be fab.u.lous. ~


For them.
Fabulous for them.  :) And I will read their beautiful posts.

I will peak at them on my phone when I am in line at the preschool. I will sit down to my computer after throwing in a load of clothes. And I will smile. Because I have some greatly talented friends who weave words together like an art.

One of those friends once said that I was blogging "before blogging was cool". ;) And it's kind of true. I blogged to clear my mind. I blogged to gauge where my heart was and to process. I blogged to reach out to other moms; special needs moms, grieving moms.

Right now I am investing much more face to face. While writing will always be a passion, like a special treat to look forward to and relax with, I guess I just don't need my "voice" to be heard so much these days.

For a while I was a little worried, thinking:
"Have I lost my voice? Writing is who I am! What happened?! Is this a crisis?" (Because if I don't have a current crisis to worry about, I'm awesome at making one up...).

I found myself becoming more and more tense as I allowed some jealousy to seep in. I read words that thinly resembled something I could've written. I was used to being the one who could move people with words.... not the one being moved by the words of others. Noticing the unhealthy direction I was going in, I made a decision to open my heart to the talents around me, and back off. I'm too quick to offer words when I may or may not have anything to say. I'm learning to weigh those words carefully.

Ahhh. I do love finding my fingers on these keys. Like I love a good hot cup of coffee. It's kind of a comfort and a delicacy.

I look forward to finding a window of time to write about my Jay and how my heart swells with a sweet love that can only come from watching growth take you by surprise.

And my K. Oh my, that K. So headstrong and independent. Not only walking unassisted, but running. Running like there is no tomorrow.

Kai, who will be 5 in 8 days. Five. That baby boy. He makes my hair grey, you guys.

Noe. Dear one who makes sock snow men for everyone he loves. If you get know, you are a highly honored individual.

My man who is pretty much doing the equivalent of 3 full time jobs. And in his exhaustion, finds time to take my breath away as I observe his posture towards us, his family.

I do, I really do like these smooth keys under my tired fingers. There will be more. Not like 25 more in the next 25 days, but more. 

Writing about Hydrocephalus

A few weeks ago I was asked to write a guest post, highlighting our ups and downs in parenting a child with hydrocephalus.

I was honored to join others in writing on the blog All Things, in recognition of national hydrocephalus awareness month.

Here is my addition to the conversation on hydrocephalus (and coffee).

My husband rocks

In my 30 years of life I have observed a variety of different men. Some, like my dad and brothers, I have known well. Some I have perceived from a distance. Many earned my respect, some were less than stellar.

I am humbled and amazed at the goodness of God when I consider this fact: of all the men I have known, the one who stands out the most to me as a man of God and a man of integrity happens to be the man that I get to spend the rest of my life with. 

My admiration of this man has grown into something completely independent of his connection to me, legal or otherwise. He has gained my deep rooted trust, respect, and appreciation simply by living his life and being the man he was created to be.

If David were just a man that I knew; someone to whom I was acquainted with in a distant way, I believe that I would still have a very high regard for him. Aside from any emotional and intimate attachment – this is a good man. This is a man worthy of honor. Someone that would get my nod of approval and eyebrows raised in a *pause* “he’s different, I’m taking note” type of a way.

I sense that this is the point at which a word may begin to rattle around in a few readers minds.

*Phony*

“This is a blog. This is a venue where anyone can claim any number of beautiful things.”

Yes, I get this. I have even thought along these exact lines before as I have read some just-too-good-to-be-true, "real life accounts”.  So, of course I can not prove my authenticity here, but I hope that I have been transparent enough through my writings, that you know I am not simply trying to paint a rosy picture of the Every Day Miracles family through motives of pride or any other vain thought.

Could I list David’s faults here?  Why yes, I could. Not many know him as I do. I am well aware of his humanness. Sometimes our fleshly imperfections merge in a mess of conflict. I know he’s not perfect.

I also know that God has gifted me greatly in allowing me to be married to this man. I am resolute in not becoming apathetic or taking this blessing for granted. Through our every day life, menial tasks, difficulty in this training-many-little-ones phase of life, distractions, selfishness, and just plain busyness, it is important that I take the time to recognize how deeply my life has been blessed by David.

Through the 11 years that I have known him I have come to see where his great strength lies. 

Listen up, it is not in physical strength, or incredible intelligence. It is not in a super human discipline. 

This is what I have discovered about the strength of my husband: It is in admitting weakness and relying wholly on the strength of the One who perfectly created every bit of his now flawed humanity.

Indeed, this is the greatest masculine strength I have ever seen.

I have watched him grieve to the point of transformed character as we watched our first born lose the battle for his life here on earth. Yet, as I continued kicking and screaming and wondering WHY? I was awed by this dignified acceptance that he modeled for me.  Slowly my heart came around to see the truth and the right in simply looking into the face of God and saying, “You give and take away, you give and take away, my heart will CHOOSE to say, Lord blessed be your name.” David showed me how to do that, because he did it first.

I have watched him become a fully engaged daddy to one very sick, very little boy. I watched him lay down his preconceived ideals of what fatherhood was going to look like, reach down and gently hold the hand of a severely brain damaged little boy, and say, “hey little buddy, I am your daddy, and I am going to love you with every thing that I have to offer."

I have watched him become a daddy again…

…and again…

…and again… (hey, we like makin’ babies okay?!)

And every single time, I have been awed by this mix of untainted gentle love and strong masculinity.

This Father’s day we will, of course, be thanking the Lord for the Dads that he has blessed both David and I with. Our fathers have guided us through our most vulnerable years, and we are very thankful.

In addition to that train of thought, I am profoundly aware, and intensely grateful, that my precious boys have something beyond any measure of value.

My boys have a daddy who daily exemplifies what it means to trust God and love others. They have great security and are surrounded by this environment that constantly esteems them and gives them purpose.

I have always held fast to the belief that Dads hold the key to so much in a child’s development and identity. No greater gift could be given to me then to see my children esteemed by their loving father, as he follows his Father!

Happy almost Father’s day David. I love you.

This post is being submitted to the My Husband Rocks writing contest

My productivity

In the last few days I have: Grown a bit Finished preliminary ideas on my book Begun to Learn where to go next in the process Gotten a little intimidated by the whole thing - but very pleased with getting my ideas out on paper. Pretended that singing in front of a couple hundred people isn't absolutely terrifying Had fun Wasn't too terribly nervous Wrote an article for our church's women's ministry newsletter Really enjoyed the process Started brainstorming for next months article Started working on an outline for facilitating discussion in our young couples Sunday school class in a few weeks Started to think it may be a little bit scary to go where I am going with it Felt very led to go there anyway - pretty sure it will be a good thing Started lists for our camping trip with my entire family (19 of us) next weekend Very excited that we will all be together Fun to see all four of my guys giddy about the trip Wrote a song Sent it to a guy from church who has composed his own music before Was delightfully surprised when I heard the song put to music Went camping in the yard again Had a fun bon fire Took Jay on a surprise shopping trip for fireworks and sparklers Was exasperated at Jay for stalling at nap time yesterday and coming up with an all new excuse for not sleeping: "It feels like there's a stick in my eye!" Felt bad for my exasperation when two hours later his eyes were red, puffy, and oozing some kind of grossness Took him in to the after hours clinic and waited 2 hours for the pink eye diagnosis Had a hard time finding a pharmacy that was open Finally got the medicated eye drops Now has to hold down a screaming and kicking four year old every 3 hours to administer eye drops Started thinking about baby names For the first time in my life came up pretty blank (Very strange thing for me) Planned to make four fleece blankets for the Interfaith shelter Only got one done Finally gave in to the exhaustion that had been tempting me Much still needs to be done - but I have a very fulfilled satisfaction at the productivity going on around here Dave has been making several trips to a friends house to collect wood from trees they are cutting down. We are well prepared for next winter and likely getting a head start on the following one. It's been a busy household over here! How was your weekend?

Why I do this

Have you ever wondered why I blog? Yeah, I have too. :) I just know it is something I enjoy. As I have stated before, I started it so that I could keep in touch with my long distance family and friends. Just a little newsy post here and there, sharing pictures. It has kind of evolved from there.

I love the challenge extended to us on Becoming Me. About a month ago she posted about her Blog Mission Tour which is now taking place. This was the challenge: "Create a mission statement for your blog. It does not have to be long. Just write the purpose behind why you blog and what you want your blog to be".

I thought this would be a great opportunity to come up with a mission statement for Every Day Miracles. I had never really sat down and articulated why I do this or what I want it to be. So here's what I came up with~

I blog because God has brought us through way too much not to share His faithfulness with others. God has given me a story to tell. My story is one of grace, redemption, love and miracles. I write to encourage others and to remind myself of the amazing things God has already done in my life. It is in looking back that I often fall to my knees in overwhelmed thankfulness for all he has done and gain strength to press on. It is my desire that what I write here will bring glory to God, point others to Him, and solidify in my own heart that it is by his grace alone that I take each breath. So whether it’s potty training (Have you ever stopped to think about what a miracle that is?!), chocolate (can somebody say miracle?), or a profundity that God has laid on my heart, my writing is an offering to Him. So often it directs my focus back on what is truly important. I pray that what I lack in writing ability, God will make up for in that awesome redemptive way that he has. I pray that he will use the sheer love I have for creating with words and make it into some thing beautiful for Him.

Join the tour friends! It is a really fun way to think through why you write and what it can mean in your life. Click on the Mission Tour image above to go directly to the post where you can link up and add your own mission statement.

Feelin' special!

Did ya'll know that there were awards for blogging?? Yep! And I have become the recipient of two this week. I know, I'm still baffled by it myself. :) I started out blogging to share pictures of the boys, their antics, and our news with long distance friends and family members (mostly my mom...). I really enjoyed it, and I think they appreciated the updates. After a few weeks I began to realize that writing is so much more than newsy updates to me - it is an energy giving weird cathartic type of passion (nice way to say obsession?). To me, words are beautiful! I love writing. Clear and simple! So, I began to share my heart a little bit more. Sharing our experiences from J.D. and K's early birth was heartwarming and special for me. Opening up our lives to be able to encourage others and show them God's faithfulness really excited me. And I was surprised by the response. People are reading my blog. :) People who I've never met are commenting and encouraging me. Who ever would've thought?! Not me.

Most recently you have traveled with me during our latest journey through loss. Something unexpected. A story line that I had not anticipated or prepared for. Most of the time through the posts of the last couple of weeks I have written for me. Sat down at the computer and used a keyboard to direct my focus and sort through my thoughts. I have at times almost forgotten that it's not just my little space - that people actually read it. :) And then I get the sweet comments and I'm seriously shocked at the response. By the way, I have become a bit weird about my comments now. Like checking e-mail often and doing a happy dance when I get them. I know - kind of sad, but I just don't get out much and it really means that much to me. :) You know if you are a blogger you can relate, even if just a teeny bit!

These are special to me. :)

The blog of distinction award was given to me by Sarah @life in the parsonage. If you've never checked out her blog, you really need to. :) It's a daily read for me AND I have actually sat down in her living room, ate food with her, and had Bible study with her before. Makes me close to a celebrity. Keep hoping, you may get the chance some day too. :) My parents and sister's family go to the church that her husband pastors. Yes she really is as nice and beautiful as she seems. :) This award was given to me by Christina @an unspoken story is shared when you take a photo! accompanied by these words which really touched me: "Wendi -I learn and grow every time I read her blog. She is so true to the things that matter most in life (her faith and family) and she stretches me in those areas with her amazing writing."

Christina and I both know a thing or two about little boys. :) Christina is a sweet, dedicated, hard working lady! I've met her in real life, but never really knew her until we began reading each other's blogs. Is this fun stuff or what?

There are rules that accompany these awards and one of them is to pass them on to other blog authors who inspire. I look forward to following through with that in the future!

Thank you friends! I don't feel like I have much to offer, but I appreciate the encouragement to continue doing what I love. Be careful though, you are really feeding an obsession. :)

(So blogger is apparently having some image issues. I don't have time to fight with it today. I had image issues today too, so I get it. :) If the pictures aren't coming through for you - use your imagination. And I swear I didn't make it up. They were cool and pretty and...)

Happy Independence Day! Looking forward to fireworks, camping in the yard, smores, watermelon, air shows, hot air balloons, more fire works, picnics - you get the picture. :) Lets share photos after the weekend! I can't wait.

An honor

I feel so honored! My submission to 5 minutes for mom's was featured in their sampler today! Click here to check it out!