{In over my head}

Oh whoa, wait, it's working!!

Okay, I'm going to blog as quickly as I can before this ahem (I don't swear, so I'm not putting a curse word right here) computer decides that it would prefer to completely malfunction... again.

For the past few days my laptop has been more stubborn than my 2 year old. That's saying alot.

Really people; a l o t.

So tonight and tomorrow this little buddy of mine is going to lose its memory. Last night, much like right now, it miraculously decided to cooperate, and worked for several hours as I backed everything up on external hard drive and cds. I now have everything saved, and we are beginning the process tonight of wiping everything off from it and restoring it to all default settings. Dave seems fairly confident that this will do the trick and have it working just about like new again. - I do hope. For as frustrated as it has caused me to be lately, we have been together for several years and we have really bonded.

Plus we really don't have the money to purchase another one. And the thought of no computer makes me twitch. Just a little.

This seems to be as good a time as any to make a small confession on the blog. Besides twitching if I don't have the use of a computer, I base my choice to buy facial tissue most often on how cute the box is, and if it would coordinate with the room I am putting it in.

Phew. Glad to get that off my chest. Really, I feel better now.

 

 (This one made the cut. That little bird? - adorbs)

There is a slight chance (in percentages, think high 90's) that this blog post may seem helter-skelter (did you know that was a real word? Dictionary.com says that it is, blogger says it is not. Dictionary.com, I'm siding with YOU). (Oh fine, blogger. I see you are going to be all fine with it and lovely again if I add a dash. There. See? Let's be friends now.)

I have a sinus infection. Writing it seems too insignificant. I want to call it some kind of an epic head squeazing fatal illness. But it's just these little recessed areas in our head which connect with our nasal passages. Sometimes they get infected. No biggie, right?  

Oh  My  Word. 

Big deal people. Big deal.

Never, never underestimate the power of sinuses.

When the doctor asked me how I was doing yesterday, I told it to him straight.

"I want to take a knife and cut half of my face off."

He was only slightly alarmed. 

It didn't take him long to diagnose after that. A few taps on my cheek bone and forehead, and my nearly jumping off the table was quite enough. 

So, I still have this awful pressure + antibiotics + anything I can find to dull the aching + coffee, and that may = helter-skelter. 

I feel like such a baby when it comes to these infected passages in my head. I've given birth to 5 babies. 3 of them without drugs. How can these little insignificant sinuses cause me fear they could be my ultimate demise?? 

Today is January 11th. That means that I will be 31 in one month. That feels strange. Thirty has been fun. I would even venture to say that it has been one of my best years yet. I've learned alot and gained some confidence. I feel like I am so much more comfortable in my own skin. Getting older really doesn't scare me one bit. 

Death by sinuses? yes.

A tissue box not matching? for sure.

My computer dying? you bet.

But not getting older. Bring it. 

Turning 31 means that I have had a nose stud for a year and I have had bangs for a year. I have photos, but have never posted them because I like my mom alot. I like her to have a healthy heart. - Oh, I should clarify; I am not talking about photos of me getting my bangs cut.

I'm increasing my hours at the Center for Women, through the winter, to 7 hours instead of 3.5. My first day with these new hours was intense. Alot went on in those 7 hours. I spent a good chunk of my time counseling with a young woman who was facing an unwanted pregnancy. My heart absolutely went out to her and her situation. I put myself where she was and faced her pain along side her.

She is going to be getting an ultra sound at our facility on Friday. I'm going to be next to her, holding her hand.

The fact is not lost on me that the very day after we recognize 9 years since our Joshua died, I will be in a small room with a woman who is contemplating taking the life of her unborn child.

It's not lost on me at all.

{I'm in over my head. I'm right where I want to be.}

Those are lyrics to a song. I haven't heard it in ages, but as I was coming home from working Monday night, and in a very introspective mood, that song came on my radio. Wow. Perfect.

Everything about what I do at the Center can seem over my head. And I'm right where I want to be. For the irony of the situation that I will face this week, it couldn't feel more right.

I will be in that room. I will love on that woman. With the help of our amazing ultrasonographer, I will tell her and show her the truth. I will respect her as a woman, and I will clearly let her know that the choice is hers. And then, somehow, I will surrender the whole situation, as I have done time and again in the 4 years that I have worked there.

This is what God has done for me there: (This is cool. I like it) Every time that I have been in a counseling room with an abortion minded woman, I have suddenly detached from the heart that beats inside of me; the one that has faced losing a child and grieved him each moment since.

That knowledge and tension leaves me, if only for an hour or so, while I look into their eyes and find the deepest compassion in that same heart. It has never once crossed my mind while I discuss the choice they face, their child, and the life and death situation at hand, with them.

I believe it is there in another form, articulating my thoughts and pushing my actions, but not in a conscious way. If it seeped in, I fear I would lose the empathy and compassion that I am able to find deep within. 

I think of it later. When they have left. When I go into the office and close the door. when I slide down the wall until I feel the security of the floor beneath. When I press my palm against my forehead and just pray. That's when it begins to enter my psyche.

I think of it in the merging of lights shining into the darkness on my 20 minute drive home. I think of it when I slip into bed alone and wait for Dave to finish class and hold me tight.

"Wow, you are considering ending the life of your child when I would have given anything, just anything, to simply have a glimpse of mine again?"  

And it goes as quickly as it came in. Because this isn't about me at all. And next time I see her, if she chooses to come back, The Thought is the furthest thing from my mind.

I am thankful. And I see it for the miracle that it is.

If you think of it, I would love to know that some of you are covering this situation in prayer on Friday afternoon. The ultrasound is at 2:00 eastern time.

Last night Dave had his weekly accountability meeting and I decided that I was going to tackle baths for all the boys + homework for the older two + awana work for the older 3. Simple right? - Well, if sinus  infections are insignificant, then yes. *wink*

I had to smile, because as I was in between math with Jay, and switching Noe with K in the tub, the song began playing in my overly pressurized head again. -And really, at that point my head was hurting so bad. I was dizzy-ish and foggy headed, but knew I still had to function as a mom.

"I'm in over my head (throb throb); I'm right where I want to be."

Yes. I am in over my head in alot of situations in my life.

I'm exactly where I want to be.

Sometimes that isn't my first thought, and there are times that I think I am NOT where I want to be. It's too hard, too much, too painful, too stretching.

But something tells me that if that were to change, then the active and living Holy Spirit within me would make me so discontented; so done with comfort and "normal".

That's not what I am here for.

Guess what has cheered this throbbing headed, somewhat weighted hearted mama lately?

-Just a simple message on a little chalkboard. Well, simple in the same way that awana work, homework, and baths for 4 boys all in a couple hours time is simple. -And sinus infections are insignificant. :)

It amazes me how simply walking past that several times a day, and reading the words truly lifts my spirits. I have so much to be grateful for!

Yes, I stole it from Pinterest. Some day when my head isn't about to explode and my eyes aren't threatening to close, and my computer isn't on the verge of death, I will tell you how I try to not say the word "Pinterest" much in our home anymore. Pretty much every cool thing I have done lately; crafting with the boys, fun cute snacks, new recipes, photo ideas, chalkboard messages, have ALL come from - That Website - and Dave is at the point of rolling his eyes whenever he hears it. ;) But really, that message is from THE BIBLE! I didn't steal it, THEY did. So... Hmmph.

Okay, time to end this and seek some rest while it can be found. Windows of rest are so rare and small around these parts.

But I'm right where I want to be. :)