Monday, June 9, 2008

 And yet will I praise Him

My fingers are shaking a bit as I begin what I know will be a hard post to write. Today in the very same ultra sound room where I found out all was not well with my first pregnancy I, once again, received news I didn't want to hear. There is no indication of a heart beat. The evidence points strongly to the fact that this pregnancy has ended. Just like that. One minute we are dreaming of our baby, already thinking about names, putting in a humble request for pink dresses and bows, knowing either gender would multiply the love and laughter in our home, the next moment we try to fathom the fact that there will be no new baby next January. I feel so weary. I am really sad. I have such a sense of disappointment. But underscoring every thing is this immense peace, that I can not explain to you. Philippians 4:7 "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." My heart feels a raw ache. My heart and mind are also being guarded - kept safe and comforted- and I can feel it with every fiber of my being. I have to go through a series of blood tests to confirm things, but at this point It seems quite evident that the news is not what we would prefer. Was it just a coincidence that the only Dr. available to see me today was the one who I know is a Christian? That he prayed a heart felt prayer with me after the ultra sound? No. Neither was it coincidence that I read this post, on Becoming Me, just days ago. It touched me deeply then and offers an "I've been there" understanding now. This is what I'm talking about. It hurts, but there is too much evidence of God's hand and His comfort to ignore. It grounds me in the truth. The truth that bad things happen, babies die, but God is good. I will stand on that truth till the day I die. I will not be moved. The tough things in life are inevitable. Friends, I can face them because the peace that fills my life is real. The one who holds my future, the creator of the universe, and the one who creates life -who gives and takes away, is faithful. As I walked through the cold hallway in the hospital I prayed a simple trying-to-make-it-through-the-moment prayer; "God, please just keep the lab tech from asking any questions." I could hardly comprehend what was going on and didn't even know what to pray for, but I repeated that prayer over and over. The tech who did my blood draw was tired and rather detached. She spoke of the overly hot and humid weather and her children's soccer game which she had attended yesterday. She never once asked why I was there, or any thing else for that matter. For that one little detail I was so very thankful. I held it together during the exam, the ultra sound, the hug and prayer. I cried when I called Dave, but I knew I had to stuff the emotions to make it through the blood draw - and I did. I sobbed when I made it home and immediately into the arms of the one who has gone through so much with me already. My safe place. His arms are my shelter from that which I can not get my mind around. He is my safe place. We reluctantly find ourselves in a, somewhat, familiar place and it compels us closer together. The boys had alot of questions and Jay is in the midst of learning the things that are appropriate to say and those which are -well, just really not. :) Fortunately as mothers I think we have a special grace for our children's lack of tact. :) It is a good teaching opportunity. They know we are very sad, but they are also aware of our peace and our faith. My doctor warned me that the next few months could be difficult as conflicting hormones surge through my body. I also wait with dread some of the things which are yet to come. We now have a pretty strong indication that the pregnancy is over, but we must wait for the unpleasant ending to this unbidden chapter in our life. So many have been through this. They face it bravely and, most of them even silently. Dave and I tend to tell people our good news as soon as we find out about a pregnancy, so we now are in a position which requires us to share this news. I am actually glad that we were open with our early pregnancy, because now I have the freedom to call on all of you to hold me up as I face this heart break. Had I not told you all of our pregnancy, I would probably not be able to bare my heart to you now. I do know how to be fake - I can do that well. I could pretend that all was well, but it would really be wounding me inside. And I need you all. I need you to know that I loved this baby. That I feel empty right now. I need to know that my friends understand that and they are praying for me. I don't need any one to justify it or give me pat answers or cliches. I just need your love and understanding. I am so blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. I am holding my boys tightly tonight. A few hours ago in that childish wisdom, which all of us have marveled at in our children at one time or another, Jay scooted Noe towards me. He said, "Mom, I know your sad about our baby, but are you happy about this baby? Here's your baby mom." So, with tears in my eyes I thanked Jay and I scooped up my baby. My sweet Noe who is all too quickly transforming into toddler hood. He smelled so sweetly. For once he actually let me hold him tight. Lately he has been so eager to be on the go that He doesn't have much time for cuddling with mom any more. What a sweet moment when he laid his head on my chest and was just still. So tonight I plan to emulate Noe's calm surrender. "The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save, He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." And I will cry. And I will let myself feel all of the feelings that I must. My Dave will stay home with me tomorrow and for that I am so thankful. I told him he didn't have to take the day off - there isn't really any thing he can do. But he had made his mind up. I hadn't realized the extent to which I needed him until I felt that deep sense of relief knowing he will be here. Just having a momentary break from the daily responsibilities that are so constant right now will surely refresh me. *Update* I just got off the phone with my Dr. and he let me know that there is no need for me to go back for a follow up blood test. The test from today confirmed what we suspected. Again, your prayers are so appreciated as we continue to process this and go from here.

31 comments:

Sarah M. said...

Again, I am SO sorry!

Anthony's Mommy said...

I'm so sorry. I've had a miscarriage as well. An early one. But still, they take a toll on you emotionally. I'm glad your boys are there for you to hug and love on. That will help ease some of your pain. ((HUGS))

Arlona said...

Dearest Wendi and Dave,
Since my phone call from Dave, I have prayed, cried, prayed and cried. Sarah called to tell me that she is sorry about the loss of our grandchild. I feel this loss and I will be here for you. Both of you know I love your family very much and I hurt with you when you are hurting. Loving and praying for you. Mom Mc

Cathy/ Mommy Motivation said...

Wendi, Oh my goodness. I'm sooo sorry. I have prayed and will continue to pray for you. In the future you will read the posts you did in the last month and know that you loved this baby. pee stick, pot belly, and the celebration.
I pray that God will hold you up and keep you. He will be your guide and your life for today. Just today, girl. many, many hugs, Cathy

Joy Abbott said...

Oh Wendi,
My heart aches with you. We are praying for you.
If you need anything give us a call.

mamachristina said...

I am so sorry Wendi, you and Dave had so much to handle already. God must see the two of you as his strong allies that he will use for others who are not as strong. I will pray for your family in these next few days and weeks for the peace of God to be felt heavily over your family.

FordFamilyFun said...

I am so sorry that you are suffering this loss. Curt and I lost a baby between Jacob and Ethan and hand't shared the good news with any of our loved ones. We didn't know how to share the loss and instead felt very alone. I hope that you feel the comfort of those that love you. We are praying for you and your family. I love you very much and my heart breaks for you.

Elizabeth said...

oh wendi, this post is heartbreaking but the sweetness of your boys, hubby, & God will help you through this journey. Just remember that Jer 29:11 says that God has our future in His hands and it is full of HOPE. you & yours are in our prayers.

Kari Dawson said...

Oh Wendi, my heart aches for you. Just because many can relate or have also experienced a miscarriage does not remove the sting in your heart.

I too had a miscarriage before I got pregnant with our twins. I accepted with it that I would bravely endure it full knowing that one day I would be able to hug another and help her through the pain and loss of her own miscarriage.

Even though the pregnancy was early you still already had many hopes and dreams for that lil' bean. I can't explain the level of pain that a woman experiences with a miscarriage or why it hurts the way it does. It just does.

I had a particulary difficult time for months after my miscarriage being intimate with my husband. I couldn't get through it without sobbing. He was awesome. Completely helpless and didn't know what to say but awesome. My rock as always.

I can already tell your husband will be the support you will need in the coming days, weeks, and months.

You are full of peace because ultimately God is in control and that lil' bean is with Jesus now to be held in all eternity awaiting the day when you get to meet.

I wish I could hug you but I just hope you can still feel my compassion for your loss and the hope I have for how Jesus will eventually restore your hearts.

Keep your ears tuned to the lil' ones at home. Jesus used my son in a very big way almost daily after my miscarriage. I couldn't believe the things Tyler would say. He was such a sweet spirit full of encouragement and awesome words.

Some of the most intimate moments I've had with Jesus was during the healing from my miscarriage. He is your strong tower and will keep you filled with peace in the midst of the sting.

Kari

Becoming Me said...

Dear Wendi,

I am so sorry. So, very, very sorry for your loss.I am praying for you and crying with you right now. How I wish I knew how to comfort you. Please feel free to e-mail me at any time at becomingme@live.com

Much love to you my sweet friend. Your baby is dancing in heaven right now with your darling boy and my little O. She has only known love, light, and peace.

Love, Angela

Jackie @ Our Moments Our Memories said...

Praying for you right now, Wendi. Jesus, hold them in the palm of your hand, be their Strength and Song in this time of sorry.

Little Candle said...

Wendi,
I am so sorry. I am keeping you close in my prayers.

Sarah

elaine @ peace for the journey said...

Tearful thoughts and earnest prayer headed in your direction. May Jesus Christ, our Peace, be present with you now.

~elaine

Amanda said...

wendi...there are no words...but please know that my prayers are with you. my heart is aching and i am shedding tears as i imagine your pain and aching heart. may the peace of God, which transcends all understanding guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus...and may that God of peace be with you. i thank God that He promises even in this deep pain, in this adversity and trial He is upholding you with His righteous right hand and His Word and tender care will be the balm to your soul. oh how thankful i am that you know Him...

MoziEsmé said...

I am SO sorry . . . And there are no easy answers - just know you're in my prayers.

Rebecca said...

wendi...i came across your blog from amanda's page at blessings all mine. i am so so sorry to hear of your loss. my husband and i just went through this in march and i know how devastating it is. no matter how far along you were, that baby was so loved and cherished and will be remembered forever (i know it's that way for me!). my heart breaks for you. know that you are thought of and prayed for.

virginia said...

I am so asorry about your loss.I am glad you are leaning on the Lord as He is faithful.God is the only one who can turn darkness into light.GOD BLESS YOU

janice said...

Oh I am just soooo sorry for your loss. {{{HUGS}}} and prayers!

I lost my second baby near the end of my first trimester. It was so devastating. But somehow the comfort of other women, many who knew my pain from their own loss, really helped to keep me going those long, sad days.

prayers!!!!

Stacey said...

So sorry sweetie!

Thinking of you and praying for you!

Leslie said...

Oh Wendy I don't know how Missed this....

My heart is aching for you, and Im praying that God will wrap his arms around you with so much comfort.

Love & Hug those boys, I really can't imagine... Im so thinking of you.

Lisa said...

I'm so sorry. I will be praying for and your family--give those boys some extra hugs from Texas ((HUGS))

Tracy said...

Wendi,

Words completely fail me right now, but as you so beautifully said, what you need right now are our prayers. You have those my friend. My the loving arms of our Father comfort you and Dave at this time. Thank you for opening your heart to us.

Tracy

Tara said...

I'm so sorry. I have 3 children and I've had 4 miscarriages (I have a messed up thyroid which makes it hard for me to STAY pregnant) and I'm so glad your doctor warned you about the conflicting hormones. We also told everyone about our pregnancies as soon as we found out (I can't keep secrets like that!) but in the end I WAS glad for the prayer support when I lost those babies to heaven. Actually my most difficult miscarriage (emotionally and physically) was the one I had when my sons were 3 and 2. We too were hoping for a girl. And in the end we got one- but it was a couple years later. My sons are now 6 and 4.5 and my daughter is 18 months old.

I will be praying for you.

I'll be praying for you.

Purple Teacup said...

Praying for you. I've lurked on your blog several times and left in such a convicted state. Thank you for being so transparent, as it has been a ministry to me.

Sarah said...

Hi Wendi, I found your blog through Mommy Motivation. As I read this post, my heart feels your pain and loss. I am so sorry.

I remember a book I've read before and hope these words can bring some comfort to you...

"As he began to talk about children he had seen in heaven, my interest was aroused and I sat down to listen... Then he added that even miscarried infants were raised in full angelic care and couldn't wait to meet their mothers in heaven one day."

(Jesse - found in heaven, by chris pringle)

Many hugs,
Sarah

BrandyB said...

Wendy & Dave,

My eyes fill with tears as I read your post. I am so sorry for your loss and you will be in our prayers.

Love,
Brandalyn

Irritable Mother said...

Dear Wendi,
I just came over to meet you because Elizabeth said you had a story to share. I, too, am so sorry for your loss and am holding you up in prayer today.
"And yet I will praise Him." Yes, Wendi - pat answers aside, He is still good and I know He will carry you through your sorrow.
Jesus, please hold Wendi tightly today. Let her feel Your embrace and trust in You as You bring peace to her breaking heart.

a frog in my soup said...

Oh, Wendi! I'm so sorry! I can't tell you enough how horrible I feel for your loss. I'll be praying for you sweetie!

Shera

Jia said...

My heart hurts for you. This pain should never be felt. The only thing I can think of is that you are such a wonderful spirit. So wonderful and strong that God, your Heavenly Father knew you could provide this spirit with the temporal body it needed, though not for long, because they needed to return home for whatever work needed to be done there. Heavenly Father knew that you were strong enough to handle this. And when you too return to Him, you'll be embraced by more than one welcoming arms.

Rachel said...

I'm so sorry.

Sarah@Life in the Parsonage said...

Wendi, my heart aches for you...and words don't seem enough. So, so sorry for your loss.