Wednesday, July 16, 2008

 Lessons learned from a dreaded moment

I knew it would happen - probably at least once, and I wasn't looking forward to handling it. Now that I've done it once I feel some what empowered, still not looking forward to doing it again. I'm talking about the moment when some one would ask me about the baby, oblivious to our loss and all that has transpired in the past month. I have been doing well. My life is very busy right now. I don't have alot of time to feel sorry for myself. :) There's not alot of reflective quiet in my day. I knew if a comment was made to me about the baby, under the assumption that I was still pregnant, that busyness which is in some ways self preserving, would come to a screeching halt and I would have to face unpleasantness. I took K to physical and occupational therapy a couple of weeks ago and the sweet lady who works with him approached me with a big smile and these words, "I just found out you were expecting another one! Congratulations, oh that is so wonderful, but boy will you have your hands full, I mean look at you now...." She was very wordy and very enthusiastic. For one instant I felt a bit of panic rising up, almost choking me. This was three days after my D & C. I not only just plain didn't want to go there, I knew she would feel awful once the truth came out. So I made a a quick decision and simply said "No, actually I'm not not pregnant." It was the truth, and the best way I could see to handle the situation quickly and with the least amount of pain as possible for both of us. Ah, but the sweet lady did not take the life preserver I had thrown out to her. She was very determined. She was just sure that some one had told her I was pregnant and she could swear it really was me they were talking about and she usually remembers these things quite well and, and... So, I finally had to speak up. I tried to do it as gently and low key as possible. I simply told her that we had lost a baby a couple of weeks ago. Their was some awkward stuttering and I steered the conversation in a different direction. This may not have been the only time in which I will encounter this type of situation. We told alot of people about the pregnancy, and have not been able to 'untell' every one yet. I will just take it as it comes. Now that I have dealt with the dreaded conversation once, the other times will be easier to handle. It was hard. I fought back tears. I have been doing really well, but have been moving on. Facing it head on again was tough, but manageable. I'm so thankful for each circumstance which forces me to deal with this the way I need to. As hard as these situations may be, they have been an important part of the healing. I praise God for bringing me up yet another rung in the ladder of healing, faith, and maturity. I believe that God is slowing me down in my hurry to just be done with all of this so that I will go through the proper steps of dealing with it in a healthy way. I tend to lean towards a denial and "every thing is fine" way of coping. :) But I have to go through this. What happened can't be forgotten or denied. As I was looking through some of my blog archives the other day, looking for something completely unrelated, I saw this and this and had to pause to compose myself. I have follow up appointments and blood tests. I have memories and moments of longing. My pregnancy hormones have yet to even out. Until this happens I will continue to have a series of blood tests and doctor appointments - reminders. Stepping stones.

15 comments:

Kellie said...

I have been reading your blog for some time now and am beginning to feel like a stalker. I would love to introduce myself to you, since I often refer to you as my friend. It is amazing how our lives are very similar. I also had twin boys and lost one after 42 days to NEC. I also have 2 other children and also experienced a miscarriage last fall. It has been a difficult road, but I feel strong because of it. I wouldn't be where I am today without faith and a very loving God. Please know that I am praying for you and with you that this too, is God's plan for you. May you use these experiences to speak to others about Jesus' love.

Tonya said...

It sounds like you handled it pretty well. I would of just fallen on the ground in tears.

Sarah M. said...

I am so thankful for your perseverance. Thankful too for the our loving Father who is holding you close.

mattpatt said...

Wendi -

I so appreciated your kind words a day or so ago when you read about our Emily.

Please know you are in our prayers. We both have an opportunity to share our stories to not only strengthen ourselves, but others as well.

God is sovereign. He has a plan and loves us.

I feel in my recent journey of finding Christ - I've also found freedom, joy and many examples of people who share this same joy and love for Him.

May God continue to bless you and always know I'm here to help.

In our prayers,

mp

Jackie @ Our Moments Our Memories said...

I love reading your words and seeing your beautiful spirit shine through. God is so good in bringing you along and healing your heart. I know it takes time, and that it isn't a quick or easy process, but I'm praying for you at every turn and every stepping stone.

chelle said...

I remember those gut-wrenching questions, after we lost our first baby. It amazes me how God gives us the grace to get through those dreaded moments. Praying that your heart continues to heal as the days go by.

Elizabeth said...

what a process. keep with your strong dependence on the Lord!

i read this a few minutes ago on another blog:

God moves at a sense of time operating by a different standard. Our timing is based in the past. God's timing is based on the future.

It struck me between the eyes.

mamachristina said...

I think you handled th esituation very well, god bless.

Smilingsal said...

It's a good thing that you were forced to tell the talkative lady about the miscarriage. Since you care about life (you volunteer with a crisis pregnancy center) you wouldn't want her to think that you did something else, would you?
God IS good; he knows better than you what is best for you and your family. Take a deep breath and thank Him for his care.
I realize that I may sound a bit heartless, but I'm not; I've suffered a miscarriage too. I understand.

Leslie said...

Oh Wendi,
thinking of you... and all the moments that come up in the next few weeks.

Becoming Me said...

That is so tough. I think you handled it with grace.

Anne Elizabeth said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart just aches for what you are going through. I wish that I had some comforting words for you. I know that the only one that can truly bring you comfort is the Lord. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I am praying that God will hold you in the palm of His hands as you walk this out. My heart is with you.

Angie said...

I cope the same way, "Everything is fine", as if by saying that and smiling I will believe it and make it so. Should we ask each other on Sunday how we're *really* doing? :)

elaine @ peace for the journey said...

Thank you for offering this woman words of grace. How many times have my well-intentioned conversation caught me with a very big foot in my very big mouth.

God is using you...even in difficult moments like these.

peace~elaine

Elizabeth said...

Feel good friday is up at my place...i think you'll enjoy the "theme" this week. :-) hope you have time to join.