Friday, June 27, 2008

 update

Can relief and sadness really mingle? Right now for me they seem to be sharing space in my emotions. Today was my ultra sound and with it came clarification. As was originally suspected, life has ceased for our baby. Although there were very difficult elements about this afternoon, our prayer was for confirmation. It was answered. The past two weeks spent wondering have taken such a toll. I am scheduled for outpatient surgery (D&C) Monday afternoon at 3:30. Thanks for holding us up at this time. My body is so tired. Hy heart does ache. I can not think much beyond this moment. But there is joy. I'm not just saying that. I know I'm going to be okay. I know that this whole experience was not in vain. It will be worth something in my life. As with every experience I have had which has taken much patience and endurance to get through, I have been changed through it. A tough change. A good change. Baby B, We are affectionately referring to you by a name that makes us laugh. It has to do with your very beginning and it’s an amusing little story which will not be told. I loved you from the minute I knew about you. Some may think it strange that so many dreams were already playing in the theater of our minds for you. That you were so real to us already. But you were and are. You are now a piece of our family tapestry. You are a special piece. An important piece. I know so little about the unseen. Heaven. I know that when I am in the presence of Jesus every thing else will fade in comparison and nothing will matter except Him. I do like to think that you are with your brother though… I like to imagine our J.D. and baby B sitting on Jesus’ lap together. I love that I have had the privilege of adoring 5 babies, growing inside of me, from the time I knew they existed. I grieve that I will not be able to tangibly experience 2 of those children. Your life was so very short, yet it was special for all of us. I’m glad for your life. I’m glad for the things you are teaching me. Would you have had the deep blue eyes of your daddy and two of your brothers, or the hazel eyes that mommy, K and J.D. were given? We don’t even know if you were a boy or a girl. These are some of the things that are causing my mommy heart to feel heavy right now I longed to touch your soft skin, see your sweet face. I will not be given that gift, but do you know what? You have helped me to love your brothers even more. They are so special. I appreciate the gift of their lives with a heightened awareness. Thank you for that, little one. When I see you in heaven I think I will know you. I will hold you tight and sing to you. All of the special songs that I have sang to each of my babies time and again. The songs that I will miss singing to you while here on earth. As time moves on thoughts of you will probably be occasional and the ache of our loss will fade a bit. Every now and then we will think of you and we may shed a few more tears at the thought of not having you in our arms. Until then, sweet little one, you will forever be a part of this family. We will never forget. ~Mommy

20 comments:

Scarlet O'Kara said...

I am so very sorry...

Jackie @ Our Moments Our Memories said...

Wendi -

I am so sorry. You have been on my heart every day, and I am praying for you and your precious family. There are no words...but I hope you know how much you are cared for and loved.

Sarah M. said...

You are right, Baby B will always be remembered in the extended family as well. B and J.D. will always be precious aches we embrace in our hearts.

Lisa said...

I am so glad that you finally got confirmation - that had to be so hard, not knowing for sure.
Your outlook on things is a true inspiration and your faith will carry you through this...

Keeping you in my heart for Monday and praying for you everyday....

Anthony's Mommy said...

Wendi

I'm sorry you have to have a D&C. I had a miscarriage a couple years ago but it ended naturally. I'm sorry you've been having to go through this the last few weeks. Baby B will always be a part of your family and I know J.D. is watching over him/her.

Kim

Kristy said...

Your heart is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing who you are. You have taught us all more than we could ever express. I love you and will continue praying for your family.

elaine @ peace for the journey said...

A sacred, tender moment. There's is healing in your words. Thank you for sharing them with us.

peace~elaine

The Bayou Belles and Their Beau said...

Prayers go out to you and your family.

dani said...

wendi,
there is so much consolation in knowing you will be with both of your babies in heaven one day... for what is bound on earth will also be bound in heaven:)
love and prayers,
dani

MamáChanga said...

Wendi,
I'm so very sorry for your loss. You're words are comforting and inspirational.

Hugs & Blessings.

Amanda said...

wendi...how precious to know jd and baby b will be together...with Jesus. thank you for sharing the struggle...the suffering and affliction...of your recent weeks and days..for being real about your feelings and emotions, and yet ALWAYS coming back to the gospel...coming back to Jesus Christ and His right hand upholding you and your family...to His Goodness...His Compassion. wendi, you have proclaimed the gospel and the light of Christ is shining forth from your sufferings.

Joy Abbott said...

We are continuing to pray for you. Thank you for sharing.

Leslie said...

Wendi,

You have been heavy on my heart, what a beautiful letter to Baby B, you have an amazing story, but the grace with which you share it is incredible.
Praying for you and hubs, and all the family.

Redhead Mommy said...

My heart just breaks for you right now. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Tracy said...

Thank you for sharing this precious letter to Baby B. Continuing to pray for you...

Elizabeth said...

you're in our prayers...big time!

Sarah@Life in the Parsonage said...

Praying for you this very minute, Wendi...much love, Sarah

Becoming Me said...

Oh Wendi, I am just now reading this. SOmething was wrong with my feeder and it just came up today. My heart aches for you. But knowing is good. Your letter for your sweet Baby B is so precious and a treasure for all times. Hugs and prayers to you my sweet sweet friend.

MoziEsmé said...

What a beautiful letter to a much-loved baby.

I'm glad you're feeling better after surgery. You continue to be in my prayers.

Anna said...

Just stumbled onto your blog and we, too, experienced a miscarriage (in between two healthy pregnancies) and some of the emotions you share in your posts are identical to mine. Thanks for sharing!