Thursday, June 19, 2008

 Christian Scene Investigation - Bible memory division

Try not to be too jealous. We can't all have the glamour that is being a CSI agent.
Hmmm...if you can call water colors, packing peanuts, noise, chaos, laundry soap, and 80 kids glamour. :) The laundry soap written Bible verse under a black light was actually super cool, but honestly this is alot more about reaching kids and getting God's Word to be real to them then any type of glamour. Sara and I just happen to be hot mamas in our custom made CSI uniforms. Welcome to my week helping at our church's VBS.
This has been a great distraction for me. And I have needed to be distracted. This has also been an opportunity to learn right along with the kids. The Bible verse that we are drilling into their heads this weeks is Ephesians 4:1, 2 "So I am asking you to live a life worthy of what God has chose you for. Do not be proud at all. Be completely gentle. Be patient. Put up with one another in love. The Holy Spirit makes you one in every way."
Two nights ago we were focusing on the Be patient portion. As Sara explained patience to the kids I nearly teared up. The truth was being laid upon my heart at the same time that the kids were learning.
Sometimes we have seasons in our lives that are just hard. We don't have alot of answers and patience seems like an unattainable concept. But through God's grace, it is available to us. We have to plug in to the abundance that he gives us to put it into practice, but it is there. Patience has always been a tough one for me. I cringe to think of myself as an instant gratification type of a gal, but I suppose that could be an accurate description. When the goal is in sight, why should we wait for it? :) God has shown me many reasons why. I don't have to like them, but obedience would be a wise step.
I'm not exactly sure how to put this tactfully, discreetly, and briefly, but I shall try. After my ultra sound ten days ago, and no evidence of the baby's heart beat, my doctors fully expected in the days following that my body would naturally clear the baby out. It has not. Let me tell you friends, this has been agonizing for me. Continuing to carry the child with whom there has been given no hope for life has been one of the darkest places I have found myself in a while. I have struggled with a gamut of emotions. In the midst of it I have felt greatly comforted. It is still hard. My body had very quickly gone into pregnancy mode this time around. The belly bulge that brought a smile two weeks ago is still there, reminding me. I feel disgusted when I get dressed each morning. The reason for my growing body which brought us so much joy is gone. But it lingers.
I underwent a second round of lab work. My pregnancy hormone level has gone up. Not even close to what the number would need to be to support a live baby, but the expectation of my doctors was that the levels would be the same, or begin a down trend. Needless to say, my brain feels a bit fried at this point. This whole process is difficult enough to go through with out the unexpected thrown in there. My doctor ordered a second ultra sound. They can't get me in until Friday the 27th. Can some body say patience? Ha!
I am trying to respond in surrender and trust. This could all come to a close naturally in the next few days. Whatever is going on is not a secret to the one who orchestrated my steps while I was still being formed. He knows. I do not have to strive to get my mind around the reasons for any of this. I long for a peaceful acceptance.
Please keep us in your prayers as I try to embrace my life, my boys, my responsibilities, at a time where I struggle to put one foot in front of the other. In the past week I have driven into town for appointments twice only to be told I was a day off. At least they were two different appointments. :) Seriously, I have not been myself. I'm doing okay, I just struggle to make decisions and initiate what needs to be done with out some one spelling it our for me. Not a great position to be in when you are responsible for three little ones and the efficient running of a household. :) One of my biggest prayers right now is that I will calm the tumultuous distraction that rages inside and will model peace and love to my family as well as others I come in contact with. Unfortunately my frustration level is pretty much paper thin and those I love the most have been getting the brunt of it. Not at all what I want. Taking every thought captive and putting some good old fashioned self control into practice is my goal. God knew that being a CSI agent was the right job for me this week...


Sarah@Life in the Parsonage said...

You've been on my mind so much lately, and I'm praying praying praying for you, friend!

Thank you for this authentically transparent post about where you're at...praying God brings that work of patience to completion.

In Him,

PS - Totally hot momma's in the CSI gettup! :)

Sarah M. said...

You are constantly in our hearts and prayers, as are your boys and the baby your body holds.
We love you!

Jackie @ Our Moments Our Memories said...

Hot mama for it, girl!

Wow. I am glad you shared this with us, so that we know how to better pray for you. I can understand how hard it is to have patience while you wait.

Praying that you will be able to relax and rest in Him this weekend.

Much love to you!

Elizabeth said...

i can't even imagine how difficult this are in my prayers, truly...

Becoming Me said...

Very cute in that uniform.

I am so sorry that you are going through additional turmoil. I am praying for you and thinking of you very often. Hugs.

Ter said...

Thanks for visiting my blog, and please feel free to stop by anytime.

It is amazing how our bodies work. I know that for months after I lost my daughter I would feel phantom kicks and a huge part of my body still felt pregnant. It is so unfair that you must go through this additional pain. I hope the road of grief eases a little bit soon. Just keep in mind that there's always someone there to hold your hand and help you along the way.

dani said...

i will certainly say prayers for you, wendi...
ps i AM quite envious of your csi "look":D