The one I didn't want to write

I don't want to write this one. I loved the peace I had Monday and Tuesday. The peace that started to waver by Wednesday. I want to write of sweet friends and family thankfulness. I want to write of my faith - the strength I have in the Lord. Above all else, I want to be - I need to be real. My fear of being real today is that I will mar my testimony. That the encouragement I long to be for others will cease. I have had so many beautiful comments come my way. People commenting on my faith, peace, love, thankfulness. I want to show that side and not this one. At the same time, I know I can't only show the settled. Because this is real life and my goal is to be authentic in my journey, I must open this chapter to you as well. Because today my testimony is not one of a peaceful acceptance, but hanging on to a tumultuous faith by a single thread It is very likely a typical step in this process to reach a point where it's just hard. I can see a natural progression of emotions. For me it looked like surprise, grief, disappointment, acceptance, love, sadness, peace - and then a few days later some other things begin to arise. Confusion, frustration, denial, difficulty coping with any kind of rough patch in other areas of my life. Most of you have read about Tuesday. How my sweet husband took the day off from work and we spent time as a family. It was special and affirming. My heart was very full. It can not be like that every day. Wednesday I woke up faced with all of the normal responsibilities of running a house hold and caring for a family. I put one foot in front of the other for a few hours. Some where in the late morning I began to feel so weary that I could hardly function. The boys got fed, diapers were changed. That's about it. Laundry piled up, dirty dishes were visibly multiplying. The obviously unkempt home only added to my discouragement. "I'm a terrible mother. Why can't I do this? What is wrong with me? My poor boys. I have to get myself normal again!" Were the thoughts that seemed to be rattling around in my scattered brain. My prayers have been random and strewn haphazardly through out my day. I have been so forgetful and - just off. Sometimes I even forget... I will start to say some thing about the baby and then truth hits with its unkind certainty. Wednesday night the reality of what I was feeling hit me head on. It wasn't about the baby any more. I grieve the baby. We furrow our brow at the thought of having conceived 5 children only to parent 3. It hurts. But I began to realize that the hardest part for me, two days after finding out there was no heart beat, was the complete lack of my own control over the situation. Fortunately the likelihood of me having a part in the loss of our baby is next to none. But I wrestle with the fact that I can not do any thing to make it all better. This is a very helpless feeling. Previous to this weeks unfortunate events I was dealing with a few other issues which required a great deal of relying of God. Things that I have had no control over in the past, and some that I continue to have no control over, have been causing some anxiety and creeping in to haunt me. I never knew until about a year ago what a control (freak) person I am. :) I've always fancied myself as rather laid back, not a real leader type, therefore not into control. Some respected and influential people in my life began pointing out that having a need for control will often look different than you expect. It did in my life. It was the over mothering of my K, the worry and insecurities with Dave, the constant watching of Jay and Noe, the inability to let my walls down and get really close to people. It was me subconsciously saying, "If I make the rules, set the boundaries, and keep every thing neat and tidy - very in control - than nothing and no one can harm me." Only life doesn't look like that, doesn't work like that, and really isn't enjoyable like that. Life can not be this neat and tidy organized and labeled system. It's just not. Sometimes it isn't pretty. At all. And we can't make sense of it. At all. Some times we have no idea what just happened or what will happen next. And that makes me panic. And that is some thing I don't want to admit. I remember the helpless feeling of holding J.D. the day he died. The doctors had performed surgery. The high frequency ventilator was turned up as much as it could be. Every thing was being done for him that was medically possible. I was his mother and I couldn't do any thing to make it all better. Nothing. I do not believe that God caused me to lose J.D. or this baby. I do believe,however, that he now has the powerful ability to use these circumstances to bring about much needed changes in my life. He sees the way I desperately seek control in so many areas of my life. How resistant to dependence I am. He sees the self protecting that I do. He knows - and in my heart I know - that if I were put in charge, things would be really messed up really quickly... :) And he says, "You need to let go. Let me lead. Can't you see that I will protect you? Quit trying to do this on your own! You will only frustrate your self. Putting me in control will not guarantee that you won't get hurt, but it guarantees that you will be okay. I will always be with you. Slow down, stop trying too hard. Trust." And I find myself reduced to those feelings of helplessness that will ultimately bring the kind of complete reliance that I need. Ouch. It hurts and it's hard. But I think it is necessary to be here. This is what finally grounded me Wednesday night. I was leaving a meeting at church and my pastor stopped to talk to me for a few minutes. I had tried to sneak away before any one could talk to me, but couldn't quite do it. :) He asked how I was doing and I responded honestly, "unstable". :) I explained to him the feelings that were torturing me. Feelings of a panicky helplessness. He listened attentively, then after a pause spoke the words that seemed to take my flighty panic and bring me back to a steady place. "Wendi, I think this is going to be a really good time for you to step back and think about what it really means to be completely dependant on God." And so begins something that I have needed to do for years, but have resisted with a strength I didn't know I possessed.