Friday, June 13, 2008

 The one I didn't want to write

I don't want to write this one. I loved the peace I had Monday and Tuesday. The peace that started to waver by Wednesday. I want to write of sweet friends and family thankfulness. I want to write of my faith - the strength I have in the Lord. Above all else, I want to be - I need to be real. My fear of being real today is that I will mar my testimony. That the encouragement I long to be for others will cease. I have had so many beautiful comments come my way. People commenting on my faith, peace, love, thankfulness. I want to show that side and not this one. At the same time, I know I can't only show the settled. Because this is real life and my goal is to be authentic in my journey, I must open this chapter to you as well. Because today my testimony is not one of a peaceful acceptance, but hanging on to a tumultuous faith by a single thread It is very likely a typical step in this process to reach a point where it's just hard. I can see a natural progression of emotions. For me it looked like surprise, grief, disappointment, acceptance, love, sadness, peace - and then a few days later some other things begin to arise. Confusion, frustration, denial, difficulty coping with any kind of rough patch in other areas of my life. Most of you have read about Tuesday. How my sweet husband took the day off from work and we spent time as a family. It was special and affirming. My heart was very full. It can not be like that every day. Wednesday I woke up faced with all of the normal responsibilities of running a house hold and caring for a family. I put one foot in front of the other for a few hours. Some where in the late morning I began to feel so weary that I could hardly function. The boys got fed, diapers were changed. That's about it. Laundry piled up, dirty dishes were visibly multiplying. The obviously unkempt home only added to my discouragement. "I'm a terrible mother. Why can't I do this? What is wrong with me? My poor boys. I have to get myself normal again!" Were the thoughts that seemed to be rattling around in my scattered brain. My prayers have been random and strewn haphazardly through out my day. I have been so forgetful and - just off. Sometimes I even forget... I will start to say some thing about the baby and then truth hits with its unkind certainty. Wednesday night the reality of what I was feeling hit me head on. It wasn't about the baby any more. I grieve the baby. We furrow our brow at the thought of having conceived 5 children only to parent 3. It hurts. But I began to realize that the hardest part for me, two days after finding out there was no heart beat, was the complete lack of my own control over the situation. Fortunately the likelihood of me having a part in the loss of our baby is next to none. But I wrestle with the fact that I can not do any thing to make it all better. This is a very helpless feeling. Previous to this weeks unfortunate events I was dealing with a few other issues which required a great deal of relying of God. Things that I have had no control over in the past, and some that I continue to have no control over, have been causing some anxiety and creeping in to haunt me. I never knew until about a year ago what a control (freak) person I am. :) I've always fancied myself as rather laid back, not a real leader type, therefore not into control. Some respected and influential people in my life began pointing out that having a need for control will often look different than you expect. It did in my life. It was the over mothering of my K, the worry and insecurities with Dave, the constant watching of Jay and Noe, the inability to let my walls down and get really close to people. It was me subconsciously saying, "If I make the rules, set the boundaries, and keep every thing neat and tidy - very in control - than nothing and no one can harm me." Only life doesn't look like that, doesn't work like that, and really isn't enjoyable like that. Life can not be this neat and tidy organized and labeled system. It's just not. Sometimes it isn't pretty. At all. And we can't make sense of it. At all. Some times we have no idea what just happened or what will happen next. And that makes me panic. And that is some thing I don't want to admit. I remember the helpless feeling of holding J.D. the day he died. The doctors had performed surgery. The high frequency ventilator was turned up as much as it could be. Every thing was being done for him that was medically possible. I was his mother and I couldn't do any thing to make it all better. Nothing. I do not believe that God caused me to lose J.D. or this baby. I do believe,however, that he now has the powerful ability to use these circumstances to bring about much needed changes in my life. He sees the way I desperately seek control in so many areas of my life. How resistant to dependence I am. He sees the self protecting that I do. He knows - and in my heart I know - that if I were put in charge, things would be really messed up really quickly... :) And he says, "You need to let go. Let me lead. Can't you see that I will protect you? Quit trying to do this on your own! You will only frustrate your self. Putting me in control will not guarantee that you won't get hurt, but it guarantees that you will be okay. I will always be with you. Slow down, stop trying too hard. Trust." And I find myself reduced to those feelings of helplessness that will ultimately bring the kind of complete reliance that I need. Ouch. It hurts and it's hard. But I think it is necessary to be here. This is what finally grounded me Wednesday night. I was leaving a meeting at church and my pastor stopped to talk to me for a few minutes. I had tried to sneak away before any one could talk to me, but couldn't quite do it. :) He asked how I was doing and I responded honestly, "unstable". :) I explained to him the feelings that were torturing me. Feelings of a panicky helplessness. He listened attentively, then after a pause spoke the words that seemed to take my flighty panic and bring me back to a steady place. "Wendi, I think this is going to be a really good time for you to step back and think about what it really means to be completely dependant on God." And so begins something that I have needed to do for years, but have resisted with a strength I didn't know I possessed.

29 comments:

Elizabeth said...

well...it's true...going through all the journey of the emotions and having to admit to ourselves that the bottom line is (or one of them) that we lose control in situations like this. But once we go through analyzing that part of our lives (since we as women analyze everything) we realize that we truly have no control over anything...God does. We can control our response to things and our reaction to His will and plans for our lives.

Wendi-keep your chin up, (how cliche, I know). I remember going thru such similar emotions when I found out about my infertility and I can tell you that being authentic about every emotion with those closest to you...with God...is healthiest. I did this to only a certain degree...I did not then nor now believe it was possible to do 100% with everyone. Fakeness abounded! I was exceedingly happy for my friends as one after another they were pregnant...but they didn't see the tears that streamed down my face as I walked to my car and cried on the phone with my mom the whole way home wondering "why me?" I asked that same question of God A LOT...and He never rolled His eyes, He never back-handed me and told me "JUST B/C". He just listened and comforted me. He knew my heart and that it beat in His prensence stronger than it beat in the presence of anyone else. He knew that.

And He knows that of you. Be authentic. Be real. At the core of you God is still HUGE and you will see that in the midst of your "cliff-side" wanderings. You won't "jump"...don't worry. :-) But if you do...HE WILL CATCH YOU.

Sarah@Life in the Parsonage said...

God has shown me that the "real" me is so, so much better than any illusion of perfection I could ever create...because His strenth shows up in my weakness.

He is shining through you, Wendi. Believe it, even if you can't see it right now...you will, eventually.

Much love, friend.

Kari Dawson said...

The theme of my life lately has been that God will use life's circumstances to draw you closer to him and more dependent on him. We don't know the answers to life’s secrets but we do know who is in control. Ultimately it is not us. I so understand exactly where you are. I too have wrestled with the appearance of perfection in my home and surroundings to feel in control and measure my worth and adequacy. What a place of peace we will both find as we learn to lean and depend on Him.

Much love and peace to you Wendi!

Lisa said...

I could learn so, so much from this post! Faith can be hard, and learning to let go and let God lead is a day to day strugle for me - I too like being in control at all times!
Hang in there sweet girl, stay strong and let God lead....

Praying, praying, paraying for you...

Jia said...

I can't even imagine what you're going through. You have my prayers and thoughts though.

Paper Bridges said...

I'm so sorry about your precious one. Please know many mommybloggers are praying for you and your family tonight.

monica

Susan (5 Minutes For Mom) said...

Wendi,

I am sooooooo sorry... I have no words... please just know that I am weeping with you and praying for you.

Janice and I are also so very sorry that we were late publishing our post linking to the wonderful March of Dimes band that Elizabeth and Christina set up for you.

We have our post up now and we hope that perhaps the silver lining of our lateness is a bit of extra love and support now as you're slugging through these tough times.

Hugs and Prayers!!!
Susan and Janice

Amy said...

Praying for you. Praying for your husband. Praying for all of your children.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Amy

Blessed said...

I am so sorry for your loss.

It is so true - God wants us to depend on him completely and it should be easy, but it isn't - it is so hard. Every time I think I've conquered it my independence and self-dependence rears itself up again and we start all over again...

dani said...

wendi,
the hard part for me was living my life without letting Him be in control. the second hardest thing was understanding how to/and then surrendering.
the easiest part has been everything (good AND bad) since then:)
love and prayers,
dani

Jackie @ Our Moments Our Memories said...

Wendi -

Oh, what truth. I never thought I was a "control" person until now...but you have summed it up perfectly. How hard it is to relinquish all of that and SOLELY depend upon God.

I think of you every day, and am lifting you up to our Heavenly Father...He knows every hurt, longing, emotion...He understands it all. Don't ever feel like you can't be authentic here - that's what it's all about.

Becoming Me said...

Sweet Wendi -

Honesty is beautiful and it glorifies the Lord so much more so than pretending. So thank you for your raw heart. The grieving process is so rocky....emotions go every which way. And the emotions you are showing to us, don't weaken your testimony. They make it stronger. You are saying "God this hurts and it really is not fair, but I will trust you to make this good." That is true faith. That is allowing God to be center. That is a lovely testimony.

Please call on your friends, me included whenever you feel a need.

you are loved.

Hot Air said...

Thank you for writing this. Not only an I a complete stranger to you, but I'm a complete stranger to this specific kind of pain, and the lessons you are learning. I'm so grateful that you are sharing what you are discovering, and struggling with. Because, I think we all have that desire to "control" our own lives... I mean- if we we were already completely resigned to God's will for us, we wouldn't be here on earth getting tested in the first place. It's a wonderful, inspiring, and edifying thing to hear such humility in the face of such a trial. Because that's what it's all about! Becoming like Him. And helping others along the way. Like you're doing. (Whether you knew it or not. ;-)

Hugs and prayers. Summer

Tonya said...

Hi, this is my first time here but I heard about what recently has happened. After reading your post today, it brought tears to my eyes. I have gone through a miscarriage at 9 weeks along. All the feelings you expressed were so familiar to me. I went through all the what if's that was the worst for me. I will be praying for you. This little life will always be in your heart.

Angie said...

Wendi,

I think this only helps your testimony. If you only wrote of feeling peace and thankfulness, how could regular people who experience confusion and anger and despair relate to you or take you seriously? Thank you for being honest and showing us that it's okay to have bad days but how important it is to turn to The One who can make it better. Hoping for better days for you.

Jasmine Bennett said...

Hey Wendi. Just stopped by your blog to check on you... you've been in my thoughts all week. I tossed and turned Monday night thinking about you. I am so thankful for your honest updates. Please know that I am praying for you and my heart is aching for your loss. I am so proud of you for growing every day and allowing God to shape your heart (even though it is so painful) through this. I love you and I love your heart for our Lord. May He wrap you up in His love.

Alicia said...

Thinking of you and knowing that God has a plan for you and a reason. I always say that God gives us what he knows we can handle.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Tracey said...

I WILL PRAY FOR YOU! GOD WILL HOLD YOU AND NOT LET YOU GO! I KNOW IT!

Kim @ What's That Smell? said...

There really are no words in a situation like this. We went through this with our first baby at 12 weeks, and to this day, 6 years later, I still miss that baby whom I never met.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, and from my experience that's really the best thing people can offer. As much I appreciated people trying to help, advice and reassurance was hollow and misplaced.

We will never get over it, but we've moved on, and now we have one more person to look forward to seeing in heaven....

allisonfrey said...

Wendi...I am going to tell you that I have walked in your shoes. I lost twin boys at 34 weeks gestation. One of my boys was stillborn and the other lived 3 hours in my arms. The pain is so unreal...I had a 3 year old at the time and I remember that sometimes I couldn't remember if I had fed him or if I even kissed him on days. This was in 1997 and it took many years to recover from. I had another boy in 1999 and let me tell you, he healed ALOT. I didn't let anyone hold him for 3 weeks. Since then I have had 2 more boys and it's amazing how time heals. I still think of my two angels all the time but I know that they are waiting for me in a place far better than here.

God has reasons for everything...it's hard to try and figure them out but we aren't suppose to. You are in my prayers and just keep praying for peace and strength. As I will do the same...

Gods Speed:)

Tracy said...

Wendi,
I pray for God's peace amidst your pain. I am humbled and convicted by your authenticity. Trust that even when you can't see it, God is working mightily through this loss. My prayers for you will continue...

MoziEsmé said...

Oh, honey, that is one scary step. And you can't just make it and then it's over - you have to keep making it and making it and making it again.

Prayers again . . .

Nodin's Nest said...

May you and your family find peace at this time.

Cathy/ Mommy Motivation said...

Wendi, Thanks for posting an update. Although I certainly understand if you are doing other things to soothe your spirit right now. But it is neat to feel the love here on your blog, between complete strangers. Although I guess we've become friends. A new kind of friend.

Believe, my friend, that God knows. He just knows. Whatever is on the inside, or the outside, or what you think is on the outside, he just knows. He knows.
Love & hugs,
Cathy

Lisa @ Stop and Smell the Chocolates said...

Thank you for such an honest post.

My prayers are with you. I just posted a couple of days ago about the fact that I have one son and have only had miscarriages since. It's difficult to go through, but God will be with you. I talked about how I am at peace now with the fact that we have only one child - but that feeling did not come right away. It took time.

Don't feel pressured that you must put on a "happy face" for those around you - it isn't expected! Sounds like you have wonderful friends that will give you lots of support.

God bless you.

The Motherboard said...

HI.
I found you over on 5 minutes for moms. I can so relate to what you are talking about. I lost a baby at 13 weeks. Everything you described was what I felt. Well meaning people say things that just hurt. I felt an internal struggle with regards to letting God be in control, and me controlling my life. The "what ifs" are real, and to let go and let Him direct is a scary feeling. However, I have learned it doesn't mean I am weak when I turn it all over to The Lord... it just means I don't have to suffer any longer.

I have found, through my own loss, that my Heavenly Father makes me go to what seems the very last thread of my faith... then he jumps in and gives me, what I like to call, a tender mercy. As if to say: "I know this is hard. But you can do hard things! Just hang in there. It WILL get easier, and you can do this."

Good luck on your journey. Just know there are those of us out here in blogland that understand what you are going through.

Sisterlisa said...

Oh Wendy(((hugs))) Your Pastor is so wise. No matter what God is there, listening, wanting to comfort you, protect you, and fill you with His love. His strength is made perfect in our weakness.

Redhead Mommy said...

Wendi: I had no idea. My heart breaks for you!

Denise Beasley

AmandaHoyt said...

Wendi,
I just found your blog and have been encouraged by your Testimony and the strength that you exude that only God gives. I too am a miscarriage survivor (lost my second child who we tried 13 months to conceive on March 26, 2008). I've named our son Noah Joel which means rest; peace and The Lord is God. These past 6 months 3 weeks and 3 days after losing Noah have been the hardest days of my life, yet they've brought me closer to Him. I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am for your loss of J.D. and Baby B. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs,
Amanda