Wednesday, June 11, 2008

 My friends bless my flip flops off

Under the circumstances this will sound like a strange thing to say, but yesterday was nearly perfect. Yes, I broke down in tears at some pretty interesting times. Yes, every now and then I felt the urge to get in my bed and stay there. But more than any thing I was overwhelmed by love. Overwhelmed, like seriously bowled over, can't believe it, blessed the socks right off me (except that sock just aren't a part of my summer wardrobe at all) encouraged. Shortly after I posted Monday and e-mailed several people, my inbox was flooded with e-mails. It meant the world to me. I felt strange at first, being so open with our news when I know so many who seem to handle their own loss so gracefully, quietly. But that's not me. And this was me saying, "I hurt, I need some love." And I just got so much love! It was what I needed and I feel my heart healing and thriving because of that love. And then there are my four guys. Tears come to my eyes at the thought of them. Dave was beyond intuitive and caring yesterday. He acted in a way which could only be categorized as nurturing gentleness. His eyes spoke of such a deep thoughtfulness and his actions were exactly what I needed when I needed it. How did he know? He just got it. He knew that pancakes were the comfort breakfast of choice. :) He knew that the clutter around the house was making me a bit obsessed and unsettled. He quietly picked every thing up. He knew I just needed to be away for a while. He got the boys all ready and we set out for the zoo. He knew I just needed to feed a giraffe. Ever get that urge? Some times you just have to feed a giraffe... Dave's initiative was amazing and so very helpful. He dealt with the boys little squabbles and met each need that I am so accustom to handling. Because of that I feel ready to handle the tasks ahead of me again today. The enormity of the blessings in my life hit me full force as we rode the tram at the zoo. I looked across the bench seat that accommodated my family and saw them all through eyes of appreciation for what God has given to me. So much more than I could ever have imagined! There was Dave with one hand on K and the other arm draped across the back of the bench so that he could be touching me, his eyes found mine every few minutes. K sat next to his daddy. His giggles were far reaching and I saw many around us smile upon hearing the sound. Jay sat in the tram with wide eyes. He took every thing in with enthusiasm. His questions were constant and brought many smiles as we answered the ones we could and kind of improvised for the rest. :) My lap was Noe's little spot and he held tightly to my finger. His other hand provided security in the form of a thumb stuck in his mouth. Every now and then he would let out the cutest little "ohhhh!" as the tram drove up hills and past much foliage. I just took that scene in and the tears came. It was a different kind of tears than the ones I had been experiencing. These were of a truly thankful nature. "God, I hardly feel like I deserve all of this. It's just beautiful! Thank you!" was the cry of my heart. Dave also knew that it would be a good thing for me to just be alone for a while. He called his mom and asked if she could watch the boys for a a few hours yesterday evening. She was tired form hours of strawberry picking and still had much work ahead of her. She dropped every thing and came. It was just what I needed, and she met that need with a mother's love. I had a few things to do in town, then had some time to go to the mall and just be. I did not buy the amazingly classy $75 shoes. :) I knew it was the temptation to find solace in retail therapy. Just not smart for me right now. :) I met Dave at his soft ball game and enjoyed the relaxation of sitting with a few of my friends. Just being there, acting some what normal (People wouldn't know who I was if I actually acted 'normal'). God has gifted me with really great friends. I received the hugs I needed and they too were just a balm for my broken heart. Through out the day my phone rang many times. Friends called. They didn't try to fix it. They just spoke of their sympathy and offered their love. Do you guys know what you do for me? How much it means to me? I don't think so, because I can't find the words to to even begin to express the gratitude. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. We still have hard stuff to handle. I try not to dwell on the unknowns. That which is no longer thriving with life has yet to detach from my body. My body still thinks I am pregnant. There seems to be an internal confusion. I do not feel any different physically than I have been feeling for weeks. My blood test showed the pregnancy hormones at a very high level. And yet, I know... That is why I cried near the cosmetic counter at a favorite store in the mall. That is why my words felt flat as some one asked me how I was doing today and I said "fine". My mouth was dry and my eyes teard up. They didn't really want to know, but it sounded so fake ringing in my ears. That is why I broke down at the stop light on my way to the game. Not little tears making a path down my cheeks, more like unattractive sounding gulps and sobs - mascara making black marks on my face. Really pretty! Oh well, some of the guys paint their faces for the game. They just think I'm a super devoted fan. This is why your prayers continue to mean so much to me. My emotions are rather inconsistent and unpredictable right now. One minute I am expecting to be sad and cry, and I actually handle every thing just fine, the next I am breaking down at a really inconvenient time for a really unrelated reason. Thanks for the love! God bless all of you tons and tons.

22 comments:

Rachel said...

I love you! I will be praying that you keep feeling the love.

Elizabeth said...

tears are healing...and husbands are too. sounds like dave has been instrumental. thanks for sharing your heart even when it is so difficult. you are in our prayers!

Stacey said...

You have a good marriage and a good life! You are blessed!

Keep lifting your head up to the sunshine!!

Becoming Me said...

I am so glad that you put out your needs. That is so important. You are so important and so loved by many. I have been praying for you almost non stop and will continue to do so.

Lisa said...

we all go through these times, but you are so blessed with a wonderful family!!! Hang in there sweet, girl!

Thinking of you and hoping today is better....

Lisa said...

Oh Wendi - I am so very sorry for your loss! When I posted my first comment I had not read your prevoius post, so I didn't realize your news (making my comment very unfitting and unsensitive - I apologize - I thought you were just having a bad day with ragging hormones!!!)
I can not begin to imagine your pain. Know that I am thinking of you and praying that God heals you!
Sending you all my love...
Lisa

Leslie said...

I so know what you mean about things being perfect during hard times... Sounds like your hubby was awesome during this. I know its not near over Wendi but I also know that with or without you knowing this he will use this in some mighty mighty way.

tears for you today.

I have had a song stuck in my head for the past two days and now I know why, to share with you.



All who sail the sea of faith
Find out before too long
How quickly blue skies can grow dark
And gentle winds grow strong
Suddenly fear is like white water
Pounding on the soul
Still we sail on knowing
That our Lord is in control

Sometimes He calms the storm
With a whispered peace be still
He can settle any sea
But it doesn't mean He will
Sometimes He holds us close
And lets the wind and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm
And other times He calms His child

He has a reason for each trial
That we pass through in life
And though we're shaken
We cannot be pulled apart from Christ
No matter how the driving rain beats down
On those who hold to faith
A heart of trust will always
Be a quiet peaceful place

Jackie @ Our Moments Our Memories said...

This was so beautifully written, Wendi! Your heart just shines through.

I wish I were close enough to bake you a batch of brownies and bring them over to you. :) I'll be keeping your family in my prayers again today.

mamachristina said...

I have tears for you, I am so glad you have such a great husband and beautiful boys to praise about to make the days not seem so long. God bless and many prayers your way!

katrina said...

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I can't imagine what you are going through and will be praying for you and your family. I know God is useing you through your loss. You have such a strong faith and I aim to be like that.

Amanda said...

i am praising God for His hand...for the way He is upholding you and that His Spirit is turning your eyes to Him in this time. wendi, this was such a beautiful and real post...oh how i praise God for your husband's compassion, your m-i-l's sacrificial giving in watching the boys...and oh so much more...

FordFamilyFun said...

I am glad that you are able to feel the love of your friends, but mostly your God during this time. We will continue to lift you up in prayer.

Love you,

Kristy

Sarah M. said...

Leslie's reference to "The Song" had me swallowing hard. We now have 2 little ones to remember when we hear it. They will never be forgotten.

dani said...

oh, wendi...
i don't know how i missed your monday blog. i have just cried with you... really.
i know what it is like to miscarry. i know from the moment most mothers know there is a life inside them the dreams and excitement start to happen for that life.
yesterday, i wrote about how my dreams have come true... but not without "bumps and bruises" along the way... what you said about looking over at your family on the tram at the zoo and feeling blessed in spite of your loss epitomizes what i was trying to convey.
the peace God gives us transcends all the bumps and bruises. He is so good, and HIS blessed assurance is abounding.
i, too, will keep you and your precious family in my prayers with the knowledge He is right there with you all...
love,
dani

Little Candle said...

I am so proud of this blog community...may you continue to feel our "virtual" hugs and know that you are in our thoughts and continued prayers.

Hugs,

Sarah :)

Tara said...

I'm so glad your husband is so supportive. That is beautiful.

Cathy/ Mommy Motivation said...

Love you so much, Wendi. You bless my heart. And I am EVER SO GRATEFUL that you are sharing your sorrow and your faith with me. I'm just so thankful. It speaks to my heart.

elaine @ peace for the journey said...

Prayers for you...just checking in. You are not forgotten today. I have a friend here who shares your pain in similar measure. Her heart is hurting, as yours must be.

peace~elaine

The Bayou Belles and Their Beau said...

I am so sorry for you. I see that you are strong in the Lord and trust His guidance. God has blessed you with a wonderful husband and I pray that you know His peace and comfort through all this.

IA. said...

God be with you, and God bless your husband's heart! You are in my prayers! I cannot even begin to imagine your pain, but He is there, He's been through pain too, so He can comfort you. Take care!

Joyfulsheep said...

My heart sank when I read about your loss. I am so so sorry. You and your family are in my prayers. May the peace of God dwell in you richly and His comforting hands envelop you in an extra mighty way during this time. Know that you are LOVED!

Tina said...

Wendi, I weep with you. In our prayers...