Monday, August 31, 2009

 Those voices in my head...

I haven't been sleeping well lately.

No reason really. I've heard there's this thing called "third trimester insomnia". Nice. I was up from 2-5 this morning. Frustrated that I couldn't sleep - then I started over thinking things. You know how it goes. Somewhere between my 2 am wake up and Dave's 5:15 alarm I started thinking about K starting kindergarten in one week. One week...

Oh my. I've been excited about it. I have been thrilled that he is finally taking that next step and all that this year will mean to him. I hadn't yet cried about it. And in those early am hours I found myself laying there in bed, cuddled up next to Dave, accommodating some kind of party in my belly for baby Kai, with tears streaming down my face. I wasn't really sad, more contemplative. I just couldn't stop the tears. At one point I was a little worried that the tears would puddle up and wake Dave up by floating him out of bed. But no worries. His alarm barely woke him up.

K is so ready. He has had three years of preschool. He loves to learn. His reading has improved over the summer. He'll be fine. I know he will be.

It's mommy who isn't quite ready. And my stomach tied up in knots. And my mind wandered. And I began a mental dialog that was kind of ridiculous....
 
"If you are this uneasy, you should just keep him home. Home school him. You are being lazy by giving your duty of teaching your child to some one else!" But we love the wonderful people who have worked with him so far. There are so many great programs to take advantage of for him in our school system. That has been a huge factor in encouraging our decision to send him to school... "He's still not potty trained, you should have been working harder with him! Who sends their poor child to kindergarten in diapers??" But I've tried. Oh have I tried! And now we are waiting on a specially made-for-him potty chair. He can't hold himself on a regular one and our little one is way too small now. He doesn't even seem to know when he is wet, when he has to go etc. I don't know what all he can feel with all of his right side weakness. I've tried...

"They won't know him. It's a new school, new people. What if they expect him to do things he can't? What if they don't know what he can do and have too low of expectations? 

He can't get himself onto a swing. 

He can't go up stairs himself. 

He will need help on and off the bus. 

Once he transitions to full days he will need help eating, and making sure that he drinks enough..."

What am I doing?? What is my roll? What is best for him? Will he be okay? Will I be okay?

I know he will be. And I know that eventually I will be too... Change has never been easy for me. It's always come fairly easily for K though. And he really is the one that this is all about. Not me. It's just that they don't know all of this

~ They weren't there the first time I held him - and freaked out over keeping the ventilator tube steady.

 
 -Or for his first bath when I marveled over that tiny hand...

Or during his first little photo session, finally at home, when we took his oxygen out for the first time and he slept so peacefully... -Or his first studio photo session when he was full of smiles and we just couldn't believe how good he was doing, but still wondered...
*Big sigh*
Have you ever been "shushed" by God?? I was this morning. :) It was kind of this still-ish small-ish voice. Whispering into my heart. Stop. Stop. They don't need to know all that. Let him go beyond those memories. He's not your tiny preemie baby any more. He's not. He's not one and a half pounds any more. He's 45 pounds. Let him be who he is now. Don't take on burdens you were never meant to. Just love my child. Love him and go with that deep knowing feeling that I have placed inside of you. Love him. And release him.
Deep breath. Stand tall. Grab the tissues. It doesn't end here...

17 comments:

sara said...

this was such a beautiful post. As moms, I don't think we ever stop worrying about our children, no matter the age.

praying for a great start!

Cottage Mommy said...

Oh sigh, such a beautiful post...brings tears to my eyes! I love what God showed you about loving him as he is now and releasing him to his future. I understand how it must be harder for you than most people to see him move onto this big milestone - how awesome that he has made it this far in life! (And you are not a lazy Mommy for not homeschooling him! You simply know what will be best for him right now!)

Katarina said...

So true. It must be an exciting time at your house right now.
Praying for K (and you) as he starts kindergarten. He will shine there just like he's shined in preschool. God's leading your litle boy, and you can rest in the fact that His plans are for good.

Lindsay said...

once again - you've nailed it! :)

Love this last line:

{Deep breath. Stand tall. Grab the tissues. It doesn't end here...}

God is alive and well in and through you and your family!

Have a BEAUTIFUL week!

Rachel said...

So beautiful, Wendi. Thank you for sharing how God is working in your life! This really spoke to my heart today.

Rachel @ Unexpected Blessings said...

Crying again. I can't wait to see how he grows and learns this year. Somehow the fact that my baby is going to school this year has not fully sunk in. I don't have plans for the first day of school. Can I come over and blubber at your house with you? If you are busy no big deal. The idea just hit me. :)

Love you!

"Rachel" said...

Oh Wendi, those awful voices. And the things those voices do to mommies.

You don't need me to tell you this, but you have done a WONDERFUL job with K. And God has instructed you & Dave on what to do with him in the upcoming future and God is going to take care of him and bless him and bless your whole family through him.

I love how He reminded you to let him be who is he now. I think we all as mothers need to hear that from time to time. :)

Beautiful post!

{Jodie} said...

Grab the tissues indeed... Sweet K is such a lucky little man to have you for his Mama... This is such a beautiful post Wendi. And the idea of being shushed by God put a knot in my throat. What a precious word picture. As a Mom, I know exactly what that means, and I love that God did that for you. What a beautiful thing he did for you.

We're all afraid that people won't know our babies like we do, and they won't know how to care for them because they don't KNOW them... but then I've found, that other people have been sometimes better at letting my kids be where they are now... because they don't place limitations on them.

Because they don't know them.

Does that make sense?

Jenn @ A Country Girl's Ramblings said...

Beautiful, heart-felt post! It is so hard when we come upon different stages in our children's lives. Some are more difficult than others, but each stage makes us mothers stop and ponder.

Arlona Mc said...

Beautiful pictures. I hope you are getting some rest tonight. I love how you are able to use words to paint pictures for us about what God is doing in your life. Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. Love, Mom Mc

Barbie said...

What a beautiful child! Look at all God has done in his life! My son wasn't potty trained until the week he started school, so don't worry. He will get it. Rest in knowing God is with you and K every step of the way.

Stacey said...

You are such a strong good mommy! I admire you and your faith! Keep lovin that boy and you will be just fine!

Lisa said...

oh Wendi - you are an amazing mother and friend! What a beautiful post! And you are right, he will do great, it's you that it will be toughest on, huh....
Praying for a wonderful start for the both of you!!!

Hang tight, sweet girl, this is only the begining of letting go! Gosh, it must be hard!

Heather of the EO said...

Oh lady. You are such an amazing Mom. You listen to God in the wee hours and your cry and worry and then you listen again. That's because of that huge love for K (and your other boys, of course)

Kindergarten...(sigh)

Rach@In His Hands said...

Beautiful as always, Wendi. Your boys are so blessed to have a mama who holds them so tightly when they need it AND lets me go when it's time.

Thinking of you...

Sarah@Life in the Parsonage said...

This is beautiful! And the pictures are perfection.

Kristen said...

Yes, yes, yes...exactly what I have been feeling. Except you said it in more perfect ways.