But really, WHY?

Being the mom to three very unique boys quite often leaves me wondering...why? So many things. Why? Like why does my two year old walk around the house with a fly swatter calling out "Muffy! Muffy? Muuuuufffyyyyy!" ? Really? Has he named a fly? Is it his pet? If so, why does he have a fly swatter in his hand? Is he going to kill his pet? Does he have tendencies to hurt the things he loves? If he doesn't love it, why has he given it a name? Or the fact that my 6 year old must have a white wash cloth in his hand at all times. It must have a tag on it and the tag must have words on it. If he ends up with one in which the words have worn off from many washings *shudder* than life simply can not go on until it is replaced with one that has words. Why? Oh why, why why? Others have asked me why. I have no answer. Is it because he has to be clean at all times? My white wash cloths are softer? He wants to read the tag to make sure he is using one that is 100% cotton?? We worried too much about tactile aversions when he was a baby and overloaded him with different textures, so now he must feel a texture in his hands at all times??? And why does my four year old insist on wearing his clothes backwards and his shoes on the wrong feet? At first he was just learning to dress himself and we allowed him to "mess up" a time or two. Now it is often intentional. Is he revolting against all things normal and trendy, like his daddy, already? Perhaps he really is still making mistakes and just pretending that he meant to do it - so as not to look like he messed up? Are clothes more comfortable to him when put on backwards? Why does he do this? Why are they all obsessed with bubble wrap? Why do they beg to go to the county fair - talking non stop about the animals - only to scream in horror when we get to the animals? Why do they still ask for ice cream for breakfast when they know it has never been offered for breakfast, it has never been given for breakfast, and they will never eat it for breakfast? How can they be so sweet, precious, and innocent some times, and other times display a naughtiness that can cause a grown woman to want to curl up in the fetal position in a corner, whimper like a baby, mutter unintelligible things, while slowly pulling hairs out of her head one by one? My guess is that as time moves forward and these crazy precious little guys of mine grow up the WHY'S will only increase. What a ride!

{The winds of change}

The wind ruffled your hair as you ran in the opposite direction of me with your kite. When did you get so big? When did your smile get so bright? When did my emotions become so close to the surface? When was it exactly that you changed my life? The wind blew fierce and cold when your older brother was born. It was a stage in life that required so much of us... The direction of the wind altered when you entered our lives. Busy. Tasking. It was all about babies. You were both very dependent on us. Sometimes keeping up seemed like an unreachable task. And then there seemed to be a ceasing of the tumultuous air current when your little brother came. Of course it was more work, so why did it seem so natural and peaceful? Maybe we were getting used to it. Maybe it was because you and K were growing up - needing less from us. I feel it again. There is change in the air. I don't know what all the changes will be. I feel stronger, yet softer. The wind smells sweet, like maybe the direction it has come from has held honeysuckle and lilacs. I know that all of the changes coming our way will not be sweet. Many will be, but some of the changes may very likely include hurdles that might seem impossible to get over. Some will give us joy beyond compare. Because that's life. The stage of life that was all about babies and dependence is turning into one filled with more freedom, learning, and trying. Swim lessons, VBS, learning to tie your own shoes, spelling your name. Of course we will soon be entering into a baby stage once again, but it is different. In the past it has felt like we had multiple babies. Now we will have big boys and a baby. You are needing so much less from me. Sometimes I am not sure how to handle that. It is beautiful and heart wrenching. Of every one in this house right now, it is YOU, my middle child, who is changing the quickest and most noticeable. That will change too, eventually. You all seem to take turns on the growing, changing, and maturing circuit. You surprise me. You delight me. Yes, we have days where we still really clash. But I must say, the changes that have blown into our home when it comes to you have been incredible and oh so welcomed. Oh God, let me be the best I can be for this child who is so quickly growing up. Help me to cultivate a deep love for you in his heart. That heart is so ripe for knowledge right now. Sometimes I feel beyond inadequate for such a big task. But you know that - and you are just using me for the work YOU are doing. Help us as we embrace a different wind. As we adjust our sails may we rely on you to direct us.

The five days that made this lady realize some more how incredibly blessed she really is...

Because for the past five days I have done it all on my own -

The mommy thing, (Tried my best at) The substitute daddy thing. (Doesn't work BTW) The disciplining, The running around, Errands with three little monkeys, Daily swimming lessons, Keeping up on housework, The hugs, The lovin', The disciplining (um, yeah - lots of that here), The meals, The clean up, The bath time, The bed time, The diapers, The crafting, So many things. Much that I am used to, and do on a daily basis, - but also, much that he does. I have realized once again how over the top blessed I am. He is such an involved husband and father. He does so much around here. I guess sometimes it takes the absence of some one we love for us to really noticed how helpful, selfless, and giving they are Not only was he gone, but we have had no contact for five days (no cell service where he was going). I had been dreading these five days, really. At the same time I so much wanted him to have some time for him. Just wilderness. Just guys. Just fishing. Just canoes. Just Bibles. Just buddies. Just roughin' it. No diapers. No pregnant wife's back and feet to rub. No fixing dinner for the fam. No errands. No taxi service. These are all things he does willingly and lovingly, but every now and then every one deserves a break. And oh my did he ever! I knew I would miss all of the extra help - especially since everything takes a little bit more effort for me these days. But what I have missed even more was just him. His presence. His voice. The way his eyes crinkle when he smiles. His sense of humor. The way he calls every morning at 8:00 am, already 2 hours into his work day, to tell me "good morning" and "I love you". The way we talk about little insignificant things and really laugh together. And the way he is home by mid afternoon most days. Besides being some one I really love - he's some one I really like. In a few minutes I will leave for my volunteer job at the crisis pregnancy center while my mother-in-law watches the boys. By the time I get back he should be close to home. I will see him for the first time since Thursday at 6 am (and let's face it - I didn't really see him at 6 am. I kind of grunted a sleepy "good bye", but that's even a stretch.) and I will see him through the eyes of one who really, really gets how blessed she is. I can hardly wait!

{26 weeks}

He's in for some changes...

Dear Baby boy, You have no idea how different life out side of the womb will be. Right now you are comfortable. You may be getting a little bit cramped in there, but for the most part I'm thinking it is pretty cozy. Your every need is being taken care of. But soon... Oh baby! I would love to somehow shield you from the overly excited barrage of brothers that will immediately be a part of your life. - And of course I will protect you to some extent. But that's just it - it will be a part of your life. So, I may as well just let some of it happen. You already hear the clamor and commotion which fills your home. I'm hoping some how it has begun to prepare you for the craziness. They love you and are looking very forward to meeting you. But it is that very excitement that I think could be a bit overwhelming to you my dear. Just know - and remember - they really love you. Noe looks forward to kissing you. And you must get the significance of this: He has even mentioned sharing his blankie with you. I'm guessing that story could change once you are actually here in our arms...but you never know. He loves to cuddle - but you may interpret his "cuddling" as "smothering". Don't worry, I'll keep a close eye on our former baby. Jay looks forward to pushing you high in your little swing. He wants to give you underdogs. Yeah, just brace yourself when you are by that one. He's a sweet and loving boy, but he's just a bit...intense. K will be gentle with you. He will smile and lovingly accept that you are a significant part of his life. But my guess is that most of the time you will be ignored by him. If you could some how play DVD's or be a computer game partner - you'd be his new best bud. So, we really look forward to you joining the chaos that is our life. But just be prepared baby. It takes some courage. Lovingly, and with a growing anticipation for your arrival, Mommy

{Grandma}

I know that seasons must come and go. I know that change befalls every one and every thing and that time stops for no one.

But my young heart never embraced that reality as I watched her work as hard as any woman I knew - maybe harder. She had a spunk that could get her in or out of plenty of messes in life. Her independence gave her a very resolute look. And yet there was a softness too. I remember it all. But memories are the only way I can appreciate those qualities in her now. I remember spending weekends at the log cabin with her and Grandpa. Sometimes I will smell walnuts, or honey, or smoke from a wood stove and I am there again... The walnuts were always on a thin tin pan on top of the wood stove. Drying out after grandpa would crack the shells with his hammer and dig out the goodies. The honey was from their bees - several stacks of white bee houses in their back yard. It was fascinating to watch them go through the process of caring for the bees and extracting the honey. Oatmeal for breakfast with raisin toast. Vanilla ice cream in a cone before bed. We all have those kinds of memories from our childhood. Memories of those who have spent time with us and impacted us. Things that changed our perspective and taught us the value of work. She wouldn't remember any of what I remember now. And I wish she could. I wish I could sit with her and we could smile about the way we would work in her garden together. Or laugh at how I was introduced to Oprah at her house. She had to watch her "shows" you know. But we won't and we can't. I can smile at her. I can hold her trembling hand. I always remember her age because I was born in the same month as she. Only 60 years apart. That means she is now 88. For some reason when I moved away from my family I had a strange, albeit subconscious, expectation that things would not change "back home". -That I would visit the same place and the same people year after year. So not the case. We go back to visit now and the landscape has changed. Stores are bigger, some towns have expanded, some have been nearly wiped off the map. It feels strange. Almost foreign now. It's been 8 years. And she - well, she is smaller. So much more frail. The forgetfulness she was demonstrating a few years ago has turned to an almost emptiness. When I saw her a couple of weeks ago I saw her long beautiful white hair and her tentative smile, but soon my eyes focused on her hands. They wouldn't stop trembling. They looked so small and pale. I thought of every thing those hands had done - and I smiled. Her life was not sheltered from hurt. Those hands have known very hard work. Her heart has been broken more than once. But so much good has come form her life. I doubt she will ever again be able to look me in the eye and know who I am. But you know what? As much as it tears at my heart, it doesn't really matter. Because I have treasured memories to hold on to forever. Nothing can take that away. As long as God sees fit to leave her here with us we will smile and hold her hand. We will lower our expectations and just love her. I will remember her from my childhood when she used to travel all over and always make sure her hair was looking fashionable. I will remember when she met my K and fell immediately in love with him And I will remember her as she is now; grasping at the elusive threads in her mind which would help her to recall who we all are, what we are doing, who she is, what is expected of her. This is our reality now. And we will just love her.

To remember this time in our lives...

I love photos. But you already knew that. I am so thrilled with the way that these photos genuinely captured life for us right now.

~Our Lil' Noe. Age 2 1/2~

~Our sweet Jay. Age 4 ~ ~Our amazing K. Age 6 1/2~

Again, we are so appreciative to Pastor Cumings for his wonderful photography!

Maybe I could find a "pause" button some where....

I'm here and I'm busy and I'm learning that life just won't slow down. We had a wonderful time in Iowa with my family! Every day was full of visiting, laughing, hugging, and eating (always have to have that ). Days were busy nights were late and little boys realized a little bit more how loved they are near and far. (For a little peak into our days in Iowa you can check out my photo a day blog. Oh - and if you read a favorite blog of mine, "Life in the Parsonage", you may be interested in the kindness I showed to the author of that blog, photo documented here.) So then we got home and I thought I would get right back into the blogging thing. But that didn't exactly happen. Because life never slowed down enough. I finally got some opportunities, but puzzled over where to start... I could have told you about all of the wonderful times we had with family, or the ten hour trip home - but that could be a bit tedious to non family members. I could've started with telling you that an hour after we finally stepped foot into our wonderful home sweet home Dave left again to take K an hour east of us to the ER. Then I would have to tell you about him scaring us a bit with shaking, paleness, and a racing heart rate during the very last couple of hours on our trip home. Since he was perfectly fine by the time Dave had him signed in at the front desk of the ER - I figured I didn't need to spend too much time going into all of that (and yes mom he really is completely okay!). I could tell about how crazy the following day was since Dave and K didn't get back home until 4am and I couldn't sleep while they were away. -About how the suitcases from our trip laid on the kitchen floor untouched for a couple of days. -How I tried to get back into our "normal" routine and it took much longer than I had anticipated due to sleep deprivation. But really - that's all done and over now so why dwell on it? Perhaps a good blog post to get me back into a blogging routine should be about my crazy day Friday when I had to take K, once again, to the hospital an hour east of us - this time for a routine neurosurgeon appointment. -How awesome it was to hear that his shunt is working beautifully and that we don't have to return to see the neurosurgeon for a whole year! Upon hearing that good news and making it out of the maze that they called a "parking garage under construction", we returned home for a couple of hours. The afternoon was filled with check ups for Jay and Noe and then family time at a near by hot air balloon festival where we got rained on and never saw any hot air balloons due to weather. {Deep breath} That night I finally had a great opportunity for a full good night of sleep. You get one guess as to whether or not that happened... This baby had a thing or two against his momma getting in one good night of sleep I guess. Perhaps he wants me to be well into the practice of interrupted sleep so I will be ready for the long nights of feeding that await...He is already proving to be a little bit of an ornery child. I was up with contractions from 4am till 7am. I was kind of annoyed, kind of anxious, and still really tired. They finally stopped and I dug out the prescription my doctor had written me out a couple of weeks ago to calm things down in case contractions started up. Fortunately things have calmed down quite a bit (yes mom, I really am okay). The calendar is still quite full until the first weekend in August. After that it is empty. Dave and I have promised each other to KEEP IT THAT WAY until the baby is born. Well, it will not be empty but we will stick around here and try to keep things very low key. As I type this Dave is preparing for his much anticipated 5-days-in-the-wilderness-you-don't know-primitive-till-you-have-done-this "vacation" with 7 other guys from church. While the boys were being particularly out of control, utterly and completely naughty challenging one afternoon this week I thought for a split second that 5 days in the wilderness sounded sort of nice. Then I remembered the shovel Dave had just purchased. The one he had explained to me as being useful for some particular necessities involving relieving ones self. Yeah, that shovel. That's when I decided that five days of acting as a "single mom" to three very active boys while being 6 months pregnant with another would be quite do-able. Yes indeed. But I am still dreading the morning he leaves... So, I couldn't figure out what all to blog about, but I suppose this will do for now dontcha' think?

{25 weeks}

It's just another weekly milestone in this pregnancy... Or is it? 25 weeks today... We know what 25 weeks looks like We know what it feels like to hold 25 weeks in the palm of our hand We know the intricately formed features of 25 weeks And we rejoice that this time this baby boy is safe protected right where he is supposed to be at 25 weeks. Baby J.D. the day he was born, 1-2-03, at 25 weeks gestation. I love these every day miracles...

Leaving you with this...

Very excitedly crossing things off my list, packing, and preparing for a vacation to see my family.

Leaving tomorrow. Looking forward to Dave's brother's 40th birthday party, followed by my family reunion, and then some down time with my mom and dad. Things are busy around here! Three overly excited little boys have the energy level high - making it a bit of a challenge to get every thing done. I'll be away for about a week. But just had to leave you with this cuteness! (Click on the picture to see the mud close up) Many thanks to our wonderful photographer, Pastor Cumings, for capturing the essence of boyhood. :) There are alot more pictures where this one came from and I will share them soon (actually you can click here to see a the family picture I posted on my photo blog). Signing off for now~

Will not let go of the vision...

If any of you have ever lived in a house while you were doing major remodeling or in the midst of building - kudos to you! You will understand how important it is to hang on to the vision of the finished product in the midst of the messy work. The dust The long hours The temporary house rearrangement that must go on while one or more rooms are being tore into The noise Like alot of things in life, big projects like this tend to get much messier before they begin to take shape. There is alot of "behind the scenes" stuff that has to go on before you see the beauty that you are working toward. Plumbing, electrical, framing, etc... And it is so important for one like me to hold on to the vision. We started remodeling our bedroom a few weeks ago. Dave grabs any little window of time that he can to work on it. That is a challenge in amongst a busy life. We knew what we were working toward in the beginning and I have to continually go back and remember our plans and then think ahead to when this will be an extremely relaxing little haven for us. But let's just say that is not an easy thing when you see this... Our house is over 70 years old. We have slowly been going from room to room - remodeling little by little. As the need arose for a nursery, upstairs bathroom, and new roof, I some times wondered if our room would ever be next on the list... It was certainly livable. And if you like a dirty lavender color, plaster patches and the worlds smallest closet, then it was a perfectly suitable room. Nothing major was wrong with it until the roof project we tackled last year left a large crack in our ceiling. And then the project commenced. I spent a few days packing every thing and moving it out (with lots of help from little boys who got incredible enjoyment out of unpacking the totes I was packing up...). And then the demolition began. Oh dirty lavender walls, plaster patches, and large ceiling crack that was beginning to show bright shiny stars from above -I will not miss you. We said good bye to the old as our room basically got thrown into a trailer out our window:We have a long way to go. There's much work to be done - but I have vision!! And you better believe I am holding on to every bit of that vision as I see the distribution of copious amounts of saw dust all over every other part of our house. As I live out of rubber maid totes in the small room that used to be Noe's. As I patiently wait... Friends - meet my vision: It's going to be warm and inviting, and above all, very relaxing. The corner jacuzzi tub and the pedestal sink have been bought. They are in our garage awaiting the time of installation - and reminding us that this will indeed some day all come together. :) The faucets, tile, and carpet have been chosen, paint scheme is in place, Walls to my new walk in closet are framed up and the frame for the tub is just about finished... We are getting there... And I have a couple of the cutest construction guys ever working on it all. :) All of this is being done by Dave and Jay. Not.letting.go.of.the.vision.

{FOUR of them!}

FOUR boys. It's still sinking in. I'm still in awe of it all. I was the girl who never missed a chance to dress up. Could never wear enough frills. Loved all things pretty and pink and girlie. From a very young age. And I thought my future would involve passing on my love of all of that to a little girl. And instead my daily life revolves around 3 little boys running around me. One boy in heaven - who has claimed a special place in my heart. One little boy nestled inside. And another boy who loves me like no other. Crazy -this thing called life. When the things we think we want become far away and the things we have been given become close to our hearts. FOUR of them. to raise and kiss and cuddle ...and get exasperated with and ask forgiveness from. Dirt and energy and competing Trucks and airplanes and rocket ships Big eyes questioning loving and bringing a sweetness into my life that I could not have imagined. I always thought that moms with a house full of boys had to be tough and encompass a strength I didn't posses. But I started hearing comments that I am just the lady to be the mom of FOUR boys. And I wondered - ? Me? And I began to realize that this house full of testosterone needs a softness needs a loving touch needs a bit of all things girl needs emotions of the female persuasion. Yes, it does make sense. Me - the mom to FOUR boys. Who knew that a heart could contain so much love?

A peek into our wedding album

March 24, 2001

I'll never ever forget that day. We had planned it just how we wanted it and it was truly beautiful. I was the bride who wanted to be a princess. Layers of tulle, pearls, and lace. Periwinkle and silver sparkled all around us. Our friends and family surrounded us with support and encouragement. The beginning of a journey that would continually draw us closer to God. Anticipation, love, and such gratefulness punctuated the day.

Thanks to Rachel @In His Hands for hosting the wedding album photo carnival today. I love looking at wedding pictures!