And yet will I praise Him

My fingers are shaking a bit as I begin what I know will be a hard post to write. Today in the very same ultra sound room where I found out all was not well with my first pregnancy I, once again, received news I didn't want to hear. There is no indication of a heart beat. The evidence points strongly to the fact that this pregnancy has ended. Just like that. One minute we are dreaming of our baby, already thinking about names, putting in a humble request for pink dresses and bows, knowing either gender would multiply the love and laughter in our home, the next moment we try to fathom the fact that there will be no new baby next January. I feel so weary. I am really sad. I have such a sense of disappointment. But underscoring every thing is this immense peace, that I can not explain to you. Philippians 4:7 "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." My heart feels a raw ache. My heart and mind are also being guarded - kept safe and comforted- and I can feel it with every fiber of my being. I have to go through a series of blood tests to confirm things, but at this point It seems quite evident that the news is not what we would prefer. Was it just a coincidence that the only Dr. available to see me today was the one who I know is a Christian? That he prayed a heart felt prayer with me after the ultra sound? No. Neither was it coincidence that I read this post, on Becoming Me, just days ago. It touched me deeply then and offers an "I've been there" understanding now. This is what I'm talking about. It hurts, but there is too much evidence of God's hand and His comfort to ignore. It grounds me in the truth. The truth that bad things happen, babies die, but God is good. I will stand on that truth till the day I die. I will not be moved. The tough things in life are inevitable. Friends, I can face them because the peace that fills my life is real. The one who holds my future, the creator of the universe, and the one who creates life -who gives and takes away, is faithful. As I walked through the cold hallway in the hospital I prayed a simple trying-to-make-it-through-the-moment prayer; "God, please just keep the lab tech from asking any questions." I could hardly comprehend what was going on and didn't even know what to pray for, but I repeated that prayer over and over. The tech who did my blood draw was tired and rather detached. She spoke of the overly hot and humid weather and her children's soccer game which she had attended yesterday. She never once asked why I was there, or any thing else for that matter. For that one little detail I was so very thankful. I held it together during the exam, the ultra sound, the hug and prayer. I cried when I called Dave, but I knew I had to stuff the emotions to make it through the blood draw - and I did. I sobbed when I made it home and immediately into the arms of the one who has gone through so much with me already. My safe place. His arms are my shelter from that which I can not get my mind around. He is my safe place. We reluctantly find ourselves in a, somewhat, familiar place and it compels us closer together. The boys had alot of questions and Jay is in the midst of learning the things that are appropriate to say and those which are -well, just really not. :) Fortunately as mothers I think we have a special grace for our children's lack of tact. :) It is a good teaching opportunity. They know we are very sad, but they are also aware of our peace and our faith. My doctor warned me that the next few months could be difficult as conflicting hormones surge through my body. I also wait with dread some of the things which are yet to come. We now have a pretty strong indication that the pregnancy is over, but we must wait for the unpleasant ending to this unbidden chapter in our life. So many have been through this. They face it bravely and, most of them even silently. Dave and I tend to tell people our good news as soon as we find out about a pregnancy, so we now are in a position which requires us to share this news. I am actually glad that we were open with our early pregnancy, because now I have the freedom to call on all of you to hold me up as I face this heart break. Had I not told you all of our pregnancy, I would probably not be able to bare my heart to you now. I do know how to be fake - I can do that well. I could pretend that all was well, but it would really be wounding me inside. And I need you all. I need you to know that I loved this baby. That I feel empty right now. I need to know that my friends understand that and they are praying for me. I don't need any one to justify it or give me pat answers or cliches. I just need your love and understanding. I am so blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. I am holding my boys tightly tonight. A few hours ago in that childish wisdom, which all of us have marveled at in our children at one time or another, Jay scooted Noe towards me. He said, "Mom, I know your sad about our baby, but are you happy about this baby? Here's your baby mom." So, with tears in my eyes I thanked Jay and I scooped up my baby. My sweet Noe who is all too quickly transforming into toddler hood. He smelled so sweetly. For once he actually let me hold him tight. Lately he has been so eager to be on the go that He doesn't have much time for cuddling with mom any more. What a sweet moment when he laid his head on my chest and was just still. So tonight I plan to emulate Noe's calm surrender. "The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save, He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." And I will cry. And I will let myself feel all of the feelings that I must. My Dave will stay home with me tomorrow and for that I am so thankful. I told him he didn't have to take the day off - there isn't really any thing he can do. But he had made his mind up. I hadn't realized the extent to which I needed him until I felt that deep sense of relief knowing he will be here. Just having a momentary break from the daily responsibilities that are so constant right now will surely refresh me. *Update* I just got off the phone with my Dr. and he let me know that there is no need for me to go back for a follow up blood test. The test from today confirmed what we suspected. Again, your prayers are so appreciated as we continue to process this and go from here.