Xanax and Christmas

 I was just tidying up the kitchen and as I arranged the counter, removing dirty dishes from a rushed morning and returning food to the refrigerator, I pushed a tiny bottle back into it's spot. The bottle contains a measured amount of tablets that we use sparingly for our boy. The boy who is so sweet and gentle...

until he's not. 

If you know Caleb you know his heart is gold, his hugs are firm, and his laugh is musical. A few know the side that anxiety can hijack and direct towards no less than violence. It's maybe only 1 to 2 times per month, but it's real. 

The sparkly sign close to my kitchen counter declares "Joy".  My letter board on the other side of the kitchen declares "The Word Became Flesh and Made His Dwelling Among Us". Not far, in the next room, is Mary cradling Jesus close. Tiny fairy lights glimmer, surrounding the mama and baby. It's all around me. 

Christmas. 

The sun is not fully up yet, so the light of the tree, and around the nativity, and glowing from a candle is in contrast to the surrounding darkness. 

We are in a period referred to as advent. This encompasses four weeks before the climax of everything that these lights and signs and celebration are about. 

Advent. It means "arrival" - something notable is about to happen. I often think about the time where God's people were waiting. There's not a lot of direct information on the immediate time leading up to Jesus' birth, we just get the feeling of quiet and darkness and honestly despair and hopelessness. I can only imagine if my own humanness experienced that time period, would I wrestle with doubts? "Are we actually going to get rescued? Are we forgotten? There's pain everywhere and for generations we've been told someone was coming. Where are you?"  There was a waiting and aching and wondering. I'm sure they tried to cling to those stories, of goodness and promises. Of a remnant and scarlet thread. It maybe seemed like a fairy tale, but one they wanted so desperately to be true. What if the thread they held desperately to could be woven into a garment that if even touched would heal them because of the power it was draped upon? 

And what if it isn't true? The stark anguish. How utterly alone we would be. Death would be more desirable. 

Dark and despair. Loneliness. Humanity in a place of brokenness. Original beauty and purity marred so deeply with anxiety, poisoned with bad choices and sin. Hurt so deep we just want to see some hope.

Suddenly it's not describing "back then"  - it's now. 

Dark. Lonely. Broken. Waiting.

It's where they were and it's where we are. 

The best part. The very best part, is this. 

It happened.            

The rescue they were told about. The light pouring into their darkness. Imagine the absolute relief! The euphoria of this truth hitting - It won't always be this way, we are being rescued!

That's the difference in the advent we are actively in right now. It happened. It all came true. Which leaves no room for doubt that it will happen again. The story is playing out exactly as it was told. We know the ending. And we are in it. So into our dark and lonely. Into our bottle of Xanax and stressful mornings. Into our wondering and desperate reaching and clinging comes hope. It pours in like the early morning sunrise - filling every corner of the room, reflecting and sparkling with breathless beauty. 

"Are we actually going to get rescued? Are we forgotten? There's pain everywhere and for generations we've been told someone was coming. Where are you?"  

He's here. He's right here. Oh, if I could go back and tell them. "You would never believe what this baby is going to mean. It means we never ever have to live in that kind of darkness and hopelessness again. It doesn't all get fixed now, no, not at all. But it has started a series of events that means we are all ok. That period you were in right before this; of silence and darkness and pain, that will never happen again. Your rescuer, this baby, is now forever with us! Forever. And He'll be as close as our own skin in time. He'll be in us and around us and working out the final things through us!" Unbelievable, and yet believable because everything He ever said is coming true. 

There's still a waiting, and pain, and loneliness. The need for help and medicine and desperate tears and prayers. We're not done yet. But it's all with a different feel than that first time. It's viewed through the lens of extreme hope, by God's people. 

And yes, He's coming again. So here we are celebrating advent 1 and with breathless anticipation knowing advent 2 is unstoppable.