Thoughts on a new chapter in this thing called grief

Sometimes I can glimpse...

TRUTH.

Clearly, with no doubts. It's like, for just an instant, the fog of humanity lifts. The clouds part.


I feel so...

CLOSE to God in these rare moments, that everything else seems to fade.

And I am left...

WONDERING if perhaps, just maybe, this is what eternity could feel like. Maybe this is a taste of what we are being prepared for (oh joyous day).

Maybe this is a preview of what will be.


There is so much we don't see. So much to life. So much behind those empty faces. So much "big picture". 

{oh trees, part just once so we can see the enormity of the forest}

I grieve a life "lost" {but really, not at all}.

Almost a decade ago. 

My son.

But really? None of this is random. And none of this is...

MINE.


Steeped in sins stench? Yes.

Suffocating under... 

ONE exercise of free will, that led us

ALL into infinite moments of pain, grief, confusion.


That's it. It's not 

MY pain.

MY loss.

MY story.

MY tears.

MY memories.

MY perceived "lost moments".

and...

"What might have been's".

Every year -dates that tantalize me. Draw me away to a place all about...

ME.

What I "could have had". - How we could celebrate their birthdays together.

The fifth hook on the coat rack… with a black "J" above it.

The even number of hooks on it now look way too symmetrical. 


I can't mock grief and all of its imperative stages. 

I can't.

But… I have been {gently} shown a line in the sand. And I intuitively know when I am crossing it. On the other side of this divider is alot of

ME. 

And

DARKNESS.

An immeasurable amount of those cold

WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN'S.


But they wouldn't have been. They are not.

Staying there - in that place, is as dangerous as any level of 

DISCONTENT

GREED

SELF INDULGENCE

and

ENVY that could be felt.


That… 

IS 

NOT

MY

LIFE.


My life, here right now, is not yearly birthday celebrations with identical twin boys. 

It's not the chaos of 5 boys. It is the chaos of four. 

My life is caring for one 9.5 year old with special needs.It is seeing the beauty in him every.single.day. 

My life is looking in the eyes of a 7 year old and hearing him. Really hearing him when he says that he needs some time alone when he gets home from school. 

My life is a 5 year old who can not help but endear the world to him as he expresses himself in that way, which only an "old soul" like himself could. 

My life is an almost 3 year old who grasps my hand and holds my heart. My life is my man. The man who comes home to me every single day. He needs me. And I need him. Because in our union - there is Jesus. 

And I see it now. That if I live outside of this beautiful life. If I pour over my photos of him and close my eyes to go to that place. Seeing him. Here. It's not okay for me. 

But if I stay here in the paragraph above. Right there. I will then have the freedom to truly live for all I was created to accomplish.

Joshua's life was never about...

ME.

His life is like this sacred, secret, God breathed event.

10 days of something I can't understand. 


I am honored to be a part of his story here. 

But now

NOW I have to live my story. 

My story is sharing the story of God becoming a man.. for us, and taking the tears I have cried. And defeating pain. 

That's my story. No more. No less.