Tuesday, January 3, 2012

 Birthday letters to my two babies

Dear K,

Yesterday you turned nine.

You do not fit in the palm of my hand anymore {relief}.

Last night your grandma and I were talking about your sweet moments, and then how you can do this 180 and pull attitude like nothing else.

A much as you are sweet,


and loving -

you are also stubborn.

Set in your ways,

and by some definitions of the word, a fighter.

We reminisced about the way you fought for your life.

Day in and day out for many of your first months - you showed that fighting spirit, that I tend to believe is God given.

You have had more scary diagnoses that I care to list.

But you are here.

Not only living - but living in this big, giggly, grinning K way.

From 15 weeks premature, and one and a half pounds, to this

...this nine year old who knows what he wants,
says "I love you" numerous times each day,
and has a kickin' sense of humor.

We love you.

So much.

Beyond words.

You are answered prayer.

You are fear.

You are growth.

You are change.

You are God's faithfulness. In a BIG way. In a way I treasure close to my heart and will never forget as long as I live.

You are our son, and we are very, very privileged by that fact.

This year has thrown alot of changes your way.

A second grade classroom. Big boy stuff.

A new teacher.

A new one on one aide.

Higher expectations.

And there you did that thing again; that thing where you don't do what we expect and do what we don't expect. That's your signature, you know.

You are doing just fine. Fine indeed.


Dear JD,

I will never forget.

I celebrated K.

I felt authentic joy.

And although it should be an established reality for me by now {hello, nine years!}, it continues to feel very divergent to experience a joy that is real while being very aware of that corner of my heart that just aches.

It aches for you.

My son.

We had the celebratory day that K absolutely deserved.

We tucked him in bed, a very happy boy.

Dave and I smiled at each other. No doubt many of the same memories playing out in our minds.

What a joy it is to see your twin grow and thrive.

 I think you know.

My heart was so full as I cocooned under my blankets and into your daddy's arms.

So when I cried...and cried...

it wasn't at all for a lack of contentment... or lack of joy.... or unhappiness.

No, not at all.

It was just  - you.

Today, nine year ago, I had two babies.

And the heart's memory? - Well, I do believe that it can sometimes retain more than the brain.

Believe it or not {smile} my brain is capable of some logic.

And that logic sees how far we have come.

It recognizes the absence of raw, unfiltered pain.

It sees all the good.

What God has been able to do with the darkest of our days is really beautiful.

We are grateful.

But my heart remembers so much more.

And it just seemed to beat with this rhythm last night,

"I had two babies today, I had two babies today, I had two babies today."

So, to our "baby A", our beautiful Joshua David,

Happy birthday.

You represent growth and goodness and God's faithfulness too. In very different ways than K does, but undeniably, you are a big part of much positive change in our lives.

We love you.



Jedidja said...

Emotional letters. Very beautiful. It touches me.

Andrea said...

Thank you for sharing this, such a beautiful way to celebrate K, who is such a miracle, and the memory of your little Joshua, a miracle too. Hugs to you! xo

Jenn said...

Wendi, Such beauty and growth mixed in with longing and pain. My heart ached as I read you letters and it also rejoiced. Such beauty in K and such beauty in you.

Arlona said...

Honey, I have tears in my eyes. I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have both of the twins growing up together. We will never really know, but I am so glad that God left Caleb here for us to celebrate! Even though we sometimes have different ideas, like who will get him ready for bed on Monday night (like last night). I guess that when Mommy and Daddy are home on Monday night it really is their turn. I am happy for such a thankful boy. It was so cute to hear him sing silly Happy Birthday songs last night. I never heard anyone sing Happy Birthday to a dear croissant roll before! So much fun!

Nikki said...

Your heart is so open here, it feels like trespassing to read this. Happy birthday to both of your boys.

Penny said...

Beautiful. I don't really have other words. You are such a beautiful person, Wendi, truly.

Rach@In His Hands said...

Oh my heart. Your words to your babies are as beautiful as it gets. Love you, friend.

Mrs. Pedersen said...

What a precious letter to your children!

Jackie@Our Moments, Our Memories said...

The words that pour out of your soul are amazingly beautiful...and REAL. K's fighting spirit truly is God-given. I rejoice and grieve right along with you. Much love, my friend.