I shudder to even press the letters, form the words of conceding, that yes - I harbor this trepidation.
It happened Saturday when the baby went to the edge of a landing that leads to our basement stairs. We moved a freezer to clean it - and this rearrangement revealed a drop off that usually isn't an option for little ones to even be near.
It happened again this morning when I was getting the older ones into car seats in our Monday morning rush to get to school. Kai was right behind me, and then he was walking the other way. The way that eventually leads to the road. He was still a long ways off from the danger, but he didn't come when I called him and I dropped my coffee mug, my purse, the backpacks and ran to him.
In my breath, in my pulse, in my head, in my heart... it reverberates with dread.
"Will He ask me to give up another one of my children? Would He go there? Is there a test? Will I pass? What am I holding on to? What do I need to let go of? I've done it before. could I do it again? "
I am mom to four boys here on earth. Panicking when one of them jumps too fast, climbs too high, heads the wrong way, throws too hard, and runs with speed? -Well that is plain and simple ridiculous.
Parenting smartly, using common sense and teaching our boys to be safe and alert is one thing. It is important to us. What I am experiencing is something else altogether.
The way I reacted in each situation which tripped the fear button within me was not okay. It wasn't the normal concerned mommy type fear. It was relentless. Shaking, terrifying mental images, personal assaults. Not okay.
Honestly I don't know what all is happening in my heart, but in one very general word, I will say alot.
He's doing alot and he is preparing me for more. Wonderful, terrifying, losing myself, gaining much, stripping away.... I think all of the above.
In both aforementioned situations of fear and potential danger, the risk of something actually happening was minimal. I was very near and able to use these situations to teach a very curious little one how important it is to listen. He's just in that stage. They were all there at one time or another.
The deeper issue is the fear. And the surrender. The beauty in knowing that no matter what this life can throw at me I am completely cared for by the all powerful God. I think that he is calling me to a greater sense of who He is. And I think he is using my greatest passions and deepest insecurities to teach this to me.
I've read over the story of Abraham and Isaac again. It's not that I literally feel like I need to give my children up. But a willingness to leave them completely and forever in His hands? Yes.
For me, there is great power in words. It is so helpful for me to use words to release fear, so that is what I am doing.
"For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self discipline."
2 Timothy 1:7
So what is it that you will ask of me God? What do I need to lay at your feet? What parts of me are hindering closeness with you? Will you provide a lamb in a thicket, or are you the lamb? Already my comfort, already my replacement, already my way out. My way out of fear, my way out of pride, my way out of that "need" for control.
You have not given me this spirit of fear. May it be so.