And now I know.
I know what it is to be scared, and confused, and breathless, and deeply in love with some one very, very small.
I wondered if I would be able to keep him.
And God granted me an amazing miracle.
Two amazing miracles.
Answers to countless prayers on account of our identical twins.
One was healed completely, forever.
One we get to be with today.
Tomorrow he is eight. Eight. With carefree smiles and a great love for his new Mp3 player.
I have been blessed to go from daily swallowing a horrible dark fear, and putting on a brave face, to openly loving this child.
Those early days were composed of emotions twisting inside of me - fear, caution, love, disappointment, and ups and downs that were way too close together and way too vast.
Some days he was, by far, the braver of the two of us.
I longed for the day when we could bring him home, but I wouldn't allow myself to decorate the nursery. Too many dreams already shattered to risk that.
I longed for the day he would call me mama, but often I struggled to feel like that's who I really was.
And then - 96 days later he was home. And 6 months after that he said "mama". Every hour of lost sleep, every dirty diaper, and every bucket load of drool was so, so worth it. :)
His birthday still brings up some of that twisting of emotions. I never want a dark shadow to detract from his special day, and yet... you know, it is what it is.
My mind glimpses two boys - shared birthdays - eight year olds having the time of their lives.
But that is not what it is.
My heart is very grateful for what I once held and for what I do hold. And tonight, tomorrow, each day, I am celebrating.
Happy eighth birthday JD and K!!!