What would I say to that unsuspecting girl?

This week brings one of my favorite days; my birthday. On Wednesday I will be 28. It may seem a little bit elementary of me but my birthday still brings giddy excited feelings. When I was growing up we always made a big deal over our birthdays. To this day I still look forward to the fun milestone which marks the date of my entrance into this world. As I was contemplating growing older, and all that has occurred in the past few years, I decided to delve into the creative writing exercise that I have seen on several blogs lately. I know that we can't go back in time. We can't stop ourselves form making mistakes, or talk our past selves into making different choices. But by going through this thought process we can most certainly shape our future in a more positive way. The thoughts that this post led me to were so helpful in my perspectives. I really did it for me. Feel free to read it, but know that this post, more than any other one that I have written, was for my growth. Letter to my 20 year old self – covering February 2001 through the present

So, you are going to be getting married in a month. You are over the moon excited – and well you should be. Fine catch you got. He will continue to be as caring and romantic as he is this very day. You were right about that. He is however, NOT perfect. Oops – yeah, that assertion is going to get you in a heap of trouble dear little one.

Go easy on that new husband of yours. He thinks he knows you, but he is in for a lot of surprises. Let him learn you. Let him love you. Yes, he will make mistakes, but if you could just choose to open yourself up to him completely and be vulnerable with him you would be saving the both of you a lot of time and energy on trying to figure that one out years later. He is a good, good man. Remember that. Girl, your life has changed a lot in the past year. Going from a single 19 year old who was not even dating, to an almost married 20 year old, preparing to leave the state, your friends, and family behind, learning new things every day – it’s a lot to take in huh? So, ummm, I kinda hate to tell you this, but hang on. TIGHT. It’s about to get a whole lot crazier. You are going to want to get pregnant right away. Really bad. Learn patience. The eighteen months it takes you to conceive are going to be amazing and wonderful. Do not let that time pass in a “just getting by till I can have a baby” mode. Do not do that. Besides how fun is this??! You will think some thing is wrong with you when you don’t get pregnant right away. It’s not. God is preparing some thing really big for you when you become a mother. You aren’t ready. Don’t push, because you wouldn’t want to go where he is planning to take you yet. It’s big. It’s scary. It’s going to take every thing you have to get through it. You will become a mother. In the middle of your vacation in the smoky mountains you will have a giddy meltdown over seeing two pink lines on a small piece of plastic. And yes, it will be true. Each of the other tests you take will confirm that. You may as well not waste the money on those. The next few years will have moments that feel like life is tearing your heart out, chewing you up, and spitting you out. It will test your faith in new and unusual ways. You are going to question every thing you have thought to be true. Write this on a big piece of paper and stick it some where that you will see always (maybe the fridge, cause y’know we love to snack) “God is good – all the time”. When you go in to labor too early – way too early- and the questions begin to rumble around in your head, stop dwelling on what you don’t know. Let the statement that God is good, written in your handwriting, wash over you, speak to you, and infuse the truth upon your heart. When your twin boys are born do not resist the all consuming love that immediately overwhelms you with its intensity because you are afraid. Submit to it. Avoiding it is incredibly futile anyway. Don’t waste your emotions on that silly endeavor. They are going to be adorable. Just as you dreamed. Hold your first born as much as you can. Remember you are his mother. Advocate for your right to hold your son. Breathe him in. Memorize every detail. He’s not going to stay. You need to know that eventually you will be able to breathe with out that gaspy heavy feeling. You will laugh again. You won’t believe this in the midst of your season of unbearable grief, but some day you will enjoy life with more enthusiasm than ever before. I know that seems impossible. I know. You can do the NICU thing, don’t think you can’t. You are going to make it. So is K. Trust God more. Worry less. K is going to amaze every one who has ever laid eyes on him. Some day he is going to watch Baby Einstein DVD’s in French. He’s going to throw fits and talk your ear off. Yes, he’s going to be okay. More than okay. Do not let that constant fear of losing him control you. Let people help you. Stop with the “I’m fine, I can do this” facade. Most people can see right through it any way. You are going to need help. Sometimes it is going to seem rather strange as you observe other people your age, single and in college, seeming to have such a carefree lifestyle as you deal with situations that require you to grow up quickly. It’s okay. Your choices will not disappoint you. More importantly, God's choices for you are always for your best. Don’t make the mistake in thinking that if you only had a healthy pregnancy and full term baby it would be a nearly ideal experience. Life doesn’t roll that way girl. Jay is going to come into your life screaming. If infants could use profanity, he would be all over that. Two months of colic are going to make you feel like you are losing your mind. You kinda do, but it’s okay. You are kind of funny when you lose your mind. And some day you might not even remember what it was like to know where your mind was. It’s all good. The days of colic don’t last forever. Gear up for it though, cause it’s going to seem like it. Hold him; nurse him when he wants it. A schedule just aint happenin with this one. Don’t force it. Wear ear plugs. The stigma surrounding “getting counseling” – ignore it. A Christian counselor is a good thing. If you need Biblical back up for that you can find it in Proverbs. Noe B is going to make you melt, just melt. The way you love him, cuddle him, and let house work go undone to just stare at him – all a good thing! Don’t second guess it. You are finally getting those priorities a little bit better lined up by the time he comes along. Loss isn’t going to be a stranger to you. You will go there again. Please be patient with the process. God is using you. It seems trite, but each loss you face is going to be another important building block to your usability. And that’s what you want more than anything. You do, okay? David seems very confident. You’ll think he doesn’t need a whole lot of reassurance. He does. Build him up in every way you can. You think that he doesn’t need you as much as you need him. That’s just not true. You each have unique and very different needs, but don’t let that deceive you into thinking that he doesn’t need you. As you near the end of your 20s, you are still going to have a lot of questions and insecurities. Stop trying to rush things. Just look to Jesus for your strength each day. You will still shudder at the term ‘process’, but it’s just a fact of life that you are going to have to accept. Life is a process. Watch out for deer, take writing seriously, and open your heart up in a big way. It’s not going to be an easy road, but Miss Wendi at age 20 – it is going to be astounding! Miraculous even.