Sunday, February 8, 2009

 What would I say to that unsuspecting girl?

This week brings one of my favorite days; my birthday. On Wednesday I will be 28. It may seem a little bit elementary of me but my birthday still brings giddy excited feelings. When I was growing up we always made a big deal over our birthdays. To this day I still look forward to the fun milestone which marks the date of my entrance into this world. As I was contemplating growing older, and all that has occurred in the past few years, I decided to delve into the creative writing exercise that I have seen on several blogs lately. I know that we can't go back in time. We can't stop ourselves form making mistakes, or talk our past selves into making different choices. But by going through this thought process we can most certainly shape our future in a more positive way. The thoughts that this post led me to were so helpful in my perspectives. I really did it for me. Feel free to read it, but know that this post, more than any other one that I have written, was for my growth. Letter to my 20 year old self – covering February 2001 through the present

So, you are going to be getting married in a month. You are over the moon excited – and well you should be. Fine catch you got. He will continue to be as caring and romantic as he is this very day. You were right about that. He is however, NOT perfect. Oops – yeah, that assertion is going to get you in a heap of trouble dear little one.

Go easy on that new husband of yours. He thinks he knows you, but he is in for a lot of surprises. Let him learn you. Let him love you. Yes, he will make mistakes, but if you could just choose to open yourself up to him completely and be vulnerable with him you would be saving the both of you a lot of time and energy on trying to figure that one out years later. He is a good, good man. Remember that. Girl, your life has changed a lot in the past year. Going from a single 19 year old who was not even dating, to an almost married 20 year old, preparing to leave the state, your friends, and family behind, learning new things every day – it’s a lot to take in huh? So, ummm, I kinda hate to tell you this, but hang on. TIGHT. It’s about to get a whole lot crazier. You are going to want to get pregnant right away. Really bad. Learn patience. The eighteen months it takes you to conceive are going to be amazing and wonderful. Do not let that time pass in a “just getting by till I can have a baby” mode. Do not do that. Besides how fun is this??! You will think some thing is wrong with you when you don’t get pregnant right away. It’s not. God is preparing some thing really big for you when you become a mother. You aren’t ready. Don’t push, because you wouldn’t want to go where he is planning to take you yet. It’s big. It’s scary. It’s going to take every thing you have to get through it. You will become a mother. In the middle of your vacation in the smoky mountains you will have a giddy meltdown over seeing two pink lines on a small piece of plastic. And yes, it will be true. Each of the other tests you take will confirm that. You may as well not waste the money on those. The next few years will have moments that feel like life is tearing your heart out, chewing you up, and spitting you out. It will test your faith in new and unusual ways. You are going to question every thing you have thought to be true. Write this on a big piece of paper and stick it some where that you will see always (maybe the fridge, cause y’know we love to snack) “God is good – all the time”. When you go in to labor too early – way too early- and the questions begin to rumble around in your head, stop dwelling on what you don’t know. Let the statement that God is good, written in your handwriting, wash over you, speak to you, and infuse the truth upon your heart. When your twin boys are born do not resist the all consuming love that immediately overwhelms you with its intensity because you are afraid. Submit to it. Avoiding it is incredibly futile anyway. Don’t waste your emotions on that silly endeavor. They are going to be adorable. Just as you dreamed. Hold your first born as much as you can. Remember you are his mother. Advocate for your right to hold your son. Breathe him in. Memorize every detail. He’s not going to stay. You need to know that eventually you will be able to breathe with out that gaspy heavy feeling. You will laugh again. You won’t believe this in the midst of your season of unbearable grief, but some day you will enjoy life with more enthusiasm than ever before. I know that seems impossible. I know. You can do the NICU thing, don’t think you can’t. You are going to make it. So is K. Trust God more. Worry less. K is going to amaze every one who has ever laid eyes on him. Some day he is going to watch Baby Einstein DVD’s in French. He’s going to throw fits and talk your ear off. Yes, he’s going to be okay. More than okay. Do not let that constant fear of losing him control you. Let people help you. Stop with the “I’m fine, I can do this” facade. Most people can see right through it any way. You are going to need help. Sometimes it is going to seem rather strange as you observe other people your age, single and in college, seeming to have such a carefree lifestyle as you deal with situations that require you to grow up quickly. It’s okay. Your choices will not disappoint you. More importantly, God's choices for you are always for your best. Don’t make the mistake in thinking that if you only had a healthy pregnancy and full term baby it would be a nearly ideal experience. Life doesn’t roll that way girl. Jay is going to come into your life screaming. If infants could use profanity, he would be all over that. Two months of colic are going to make you feel like you are losing your mind. You kinda do, but it’s okay. You are kind of funny when you lose your mind. And some day you might not even remember what it was like to know where your mind was. It’s all good. The days of colic don’t last forever. Gear up for it though, cause it’s going to seem like it. Hold him; nurse him when he wants it. A schedule just aint happenin with this one. Don’t force it. Wear ear plugs. The stigma surrounding “getting counseling” – ignore it. A Christian counselor is a good thing. If you need Biblical back up for that you can find it in Proverbs. Noe B is going to make you melt, just melt. The way you love him, cuddle him, and let house work go undone to just stare at him – all a good thing! Don’t second guess it. You are finally getting those priorities a little bit better lined up by the time he comes along. Loss isn’t going to be a stranger to you. You will go there again. Please be patient with the process. God is using you. It seems trite, but each loss you face is going to be another important building block to your usability. And that’s what you want more than anything. You do, okay? David seems very confident. You’ll think he doesn’t need a whole lot of reassurance. He does. Build him up in every way you can. You think that he doesn’t need you as much as you need him. That’s just not true. You each have unique and very different needs, but don’t let that deceive you into thinking that he doesn’t need you. As you near the end of your 20s, you are still going to have a lot of questions and insecurities. Stop trying to rush things. Just look to Jesus for your strength each day. You will still shudder at the term ‘process’, but it’s just a fact of life that you are going to have to accept. Life is a process. Watch out for deer, take writing seriously, and open your heart up in a big way. It’s not going to be an easy road, but Miss Wendi at age 20 – it is going to be astounding! Miraculous even.

24 comments:

Melissa said...

Oh Wendi ~~~ A beatiful letter for a beautiful gal. Very well written and such a story...I'm glad to have encountered you in bloggyland.

Joy Abbott said...

Wendi, Thanks so much for sharing. It's amazing how we look back in our lives and see how God used situations we just didn't understand to mold us and make us the women we are today. Happy Birthday early.

kt mac said...

wow wow wow.
I love the way you write.. it just leaves me not wanting your post to end.
Beautiful letter dear.
x

Mel said...

Wendi I am crying these amazing tears for the beauty and reality in your letter to yourself.

Kristy said...

So again I am profoundly moved by your words and at this moment I am so very thankful that you are my dear friend.

Someday I might write one these letters to me... It is a scary place to go...

Heather of the EO said...

Chills. That's all. Chills.

MoziEsmé said...

Beautiful... It's amazing how much we learn when we don't even realize that we're learning.

Beth in NC said...

Wouldn't it have been scary if you had been given this letter back then?

Wonderfully written Sister!

Heather said...

What a great present to yourself. Happy early birthday. I'll be turning 28 myself 6 days after you :)

Noah and Ryders Mommy said...

very touching letter, I think you should frame for yourself :) Write it on your heart...it was beautiful! So glad to know you and have opportunities in life to be blessed by your writing

Mrs.Naz@BecomingMe said...

Fabulous letter Wendi--very very sweet. I cannot believe I am almost 10 years older than you though...man...

LIttle Candle said...

Oh, this was just beautiful...
Thank you for sharing this letter to yourself.
God bless you and a Happy Birthday to a fellow February birthday...it really is the best month to be born don't ya think? ;)

Lois Lane II said...

Beautiful...What a letter. =)

Debbie said...

What a wonderful letter! Happy early birthday.

Anne Elizabeth said...

That is such a beautiful letter and I was crying the whole time I was reading it. Your writing is beautiful!

Lindsay said...

Awesome post! I'm glad I inspire you because you inspire the socks off of me :)

** I've gotta know how you were able to leave hearts in the comment box ... I have yet to figure that one out **

Happy Monday!!

Lindsay said...

At least we can be {obsessed} together :)

Jackie @ Our Moments Our Memories said...

Miraculous.

That sums it up perfectly. And you, sweet friend, are proof that amazing beauty can come from pain. What a ride!

And I love how you say, "Besides how fun is this??!" Amen, sista. ;)

Sarah M. said...

Hey! I am quite sure your birthday greeting via snail mail will be late, but as it was combined with Valentines greetings it should get there somewhere in between!

Rachel said...

This took my breath away. You are a fantastic writer! Thanks for doing this!

Tonya said...

Wendi that was a fantastic post. And I'm older than you. Enjoy these last few years of your twenties but I've heard that your thirties rock. I just entered mine so we'll see :) Have a great birthday. And I still get giddy over my birthday too.

Elizabeth said...

wonderful! just like you always do. :-)

and happy early bday!

Becky said...

What a great way to look at where you have been an dhow far you have come. You know I cried when I read it, would you even second guess that?? I once again am reminded how blessed I am to be your friend. Love you!

amy + ryan said...

Wow. I just stumbled across your blog from - of course - Mckmama's. What a beautiful letter to your young, naive self! Oh, what you said about waiting 18 months to conceive made me tear up. Who thinks that would ever happen in your early twenties? I know I certainly didn't expect it. But BOY, God IS good.

Crap. I just might be hooked on your blog. I can't afford to read another blog! Beh.