He made me better

It's not like I am angry. No, and I don't feel animosity at God. Not sayin' that was never a factor in the process of grief. There were lots of questions... But regardless of the many questions my mind can conjure up - my God is good all the time. He has shown me time and again that he cares deeply for me. He has brought a peace that passes understanding into my heart.

He is my hope.

I am in process of making Him my everything.

 Now it is just a heavy feeling around my heart. In the busy day-to-day rush of life with three little ones and a household to take care of many days which were previous milestones of grief, now speed by me - hardly noticed at all. But this date will always be one that hits me with an awareness of significance. It couldn't rush by me even if I wanted it to. And truth be told, I really don't want to forget.

Sometimes remembering hurts, but it also helps me to retain a bit of what I fear may slowly begin to fade. The memory of his soft skin. The light brown hair that graced his tiny head and culminated in such a tidy little swirl at the back of it.

Some things I am already forgetting. I especially struggle to catch a glimpse of the emotions of that time. Some which tormented me and some which brought more joy than I had ever known. Time has decreased the raw intensity of the pain. But I still struggled with this feeling of weightiness through out this past weekend.

He died on a Sunday. The twelfth of January. Six years ago. At this point I can even see alot of good that has come from the tragedy. I have heard it said that when your faith is tested you come out stronger.

I say amen to that.

I don't want to go back to who I was before. But even with all of that positive, it still hurts.

  It still hurts.
I'm still the mommy who held her little boy hopefully when he was only a few days old. 
And then held him as I felt the deepest grief I have ever known when he was 10 days old. 
I'm the mommy who had never known the strange kind of sadness which feels nothing, until I heard the nurse declare the time of death and I could not comprehend the reality of that moment. 
Her voice sounded tinny and far away.
 I felt sad for whoever it was that had to go through such a thing. 
I couldn't let it sink in just yet. 
The past few years have brought healing in leaps and bounds.
It still hurts. 

God has become so much more real to me.

He has comforted, 
restored, 
blessed.

Most days I can not help but grin from ear to ear as I express my thankfulness for what we do have. Even thankfulness for the ten days we had with him.

Then there are the days where it just plain hurts.  Because I serve an amazing God who heals, but I still cry human tears.

Forever loving the child who has caused my faith to grow in ways I never dreamed.

  J.D. 1-2-03 - 1-12-03