Sunday, January 11, 2009

 He made me better


It's not like I am angry. No, and I don't feel animosity at God. Not sayin' that was never a factor in the process of grief. There were lots of questions... But regardless of the many questions my mind can conjure up - my God is good all the time. He has shown me time and again that he cares deeply for me. He has brought a peace that passes understanding into my heart.

He is my hope.

I am in process of making Him my everything.

 Now it is just a heavy feeling around my heart. In the busy day-to-day rush of life with three little ones and a household to take care of many days which were previous milestones of grief, now speed by me - hardly noticed at all. But this date will always be one that hits me with an awareness of significance. It couldn't rush by me even if I wanted it to. And truth be told, I really don't want to forget.

Sometimes remembering hurts, but it also helps me to retain a bit of what I fear may slowly begin to fade. The memory of his soft skin. The light brown hair that graced his tiny head and culminated in such a tidy little swirl at the back of it.

Some things I am already forgetting. I especially struggle to catch a glimpse of the emotions of that time. Some which tormented me and some which brought more joy than I had ever known. Time has decreased the raw intensity of the pain. But I still struggled with this feeling of weightiness through out this past weekend.

He died on a Sunday. The twelfth of January. Six years ago. At this point I can even see alot of good that has come from the tragedy. I have heard it said that when your faith is tested you come out stronger.

I say amen to that.

I don't want to go back to who I was before. But even with all of that positive, it still hurts.

  It still hurts.
I'm still the mommy who held her little boy hopefully when he was only a few days old. 
And then held him as I felt the deepest grief I have ever known when he was 10 days old. 
I'm the mommy who had never known the strange kind of sadness which feels nothing, until I heard the nurse declare the time of death and I could not comprehend the reality of that moment. 
Her voice sounded tinny and far away.
 I felt sad for whoever it was that had to go through such a thing. 
I couldn't let it sink in just yet. 
The past few years have brought healing in leaps and bounds.
It still hurts. 

God has become so much more real to me.

He has comforted, 
restored, 
blessed.

Most days I can not help but grin from ear to ear as I express my thankfulness for what we do have. Even thankfulness for the ten days we had with him.

Then there are the days where it just plain hurts.  Because I serve an amazing God who heals, but I still cry human tears.

Forever loving the child who has caused my faith to grow in ways I never dreamed.

  J.D. 1-2-03 - 1-12-03

30 comments:

Sara@I.Sass said...

My heart is with you today, dear friend. I long for the day we will meet and you will say to us bloggy girls. This is my son, whom you've heard so much about. And none of us will know what it's like to hurt anymore.
(On a sad side note. My Brother, who would have been older then me lived 10 days also, before going home. The miracle for me, His name Robert Allen. I married a Robert. And my Robert is EVERY bit as wonderful as I've drempt my brother would have been.)
Thank you for sharing this day with us, Wendi.
my word verf: outskys

Melissa said...

In sharing your story you have also helped other people to be better. May God continue to be with you and your family.

Anne Elizabeth said...

My heart is with you today! May the Lord comfort you and fill you with His peace. Thank you for sharing this post.

Dawna said...

Oh, dear friend. I have no words to fully express how sorry I am for your loss and how in awe I am of your strength and grace. It is so wonderful that God gave you such a gift as your wonderful boys, and used J.D. to bring you closer to Him. Blessings and lots of love to you during this bittersweet anniversary.

AmandaHoyt said...

My heart, thoughts and prayers are with you, Wendi. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing JD with us.
Many hugs and prayers,
Amanda

Kristy said...

Crying with you friend. I am praying for comfort for you and Dave. I love you.

Heather of the EO said...

Peace to you. I'm sorry.

Prayers on the 12th and beyond for continued healing and doors that open to tell your story while glorifying God and His kingdom. You have a gift for doing just that.

Anthony's Mommy said...

I know what you mean by trying not to forget the emotions and the feelings. I dread the day I "forget" how important all that happened to Hailey and Anthony was. I think that is why I blog and read other preemie parents blogs. I don't want to forget how lucky Anthony is.

I didn't see it at the time but now I know the purpose of my daughters life. Hailey changed her mommy in a way that would of never happened if it wasn't for her death. I appreciate the simple things, I appreciate my son more then I even thought possible. I appreciate every breath out of his body. Hailey brought me closer to my family and friends. Hailey means "Hero" And she is my hero for sure. She saved me from a life of ignorance. And showed me the pain of losing a child. But also showed me the sweet joy of loving one too!

Kim

Arlona Mc said...

I too remember the night that we said good bye to J.D. I was on my way to Adah's house thinking that God was going to make him better when I got the call that he had gone to heaven. God did make him better, but it hurt so much to release J.D. to God. You were not yet 21 years old when you lost your first child. I cannot even begin to imagine how you hurt. It still brings tears to my eyes and I hurt with you and rejoice with you for what God has done in all of our lives in these past 6 years and 10 days. I was angry with God as you and Dave had kept yourselves pure before you married and so many people who have conceived out of wedlock have children who are very healthy. I could not understand why He would choose to take J.D. Since then you have been given many opportunities to witness to others and to help them. I praise God that even when I don't understand, He knows the big picture. I love you. Love, Mom Mc

kristen said...

Love reading your blog and feel a conection to you that I can't explain. I haven't lost a child but do have 2 special needs. Both Chayse and Logan are intellectually disabled. Logan more so along with a list of other things. It does get you down some days and you wonder why me and can I go on but to see my Logan achieving and your gorgeous boy achieving gives strength. I have just re watched the video you posted and held back the tears. Can I ask the name and artist of the song you have on there about He's my son. It is so lovely and the words mean so much to me.
Thinking of you and the amazing strenght you have.

Noah and Ryders Mommy said...

God is so good and I am so thankful that he has given you peace...I can't possibly imagine what you've gone through but your little man is with God now and how wonderful is that my friend! I wish I could give you a big hug right now, just to let you know how much I care for you and wish you didn't feel any sadness at all, though I know that is natural...May God be with you today and bring peace to your heart and thankfulness to the family that LOVES you so much!

Amanda said...

wendi...praying for strength and grace for you as you mark this milestone of your grief. thank you for sharing your journey of grief, but also your steadfast faith in God and His love and power.

DidiLyn said...

Your healing is beautiful, as is your love for your little boy. Your belief that God is good, all the time is the most beautiful of all.
I am praying for you today.

Lois Lane II said...

Praying for you and your family this day. You'll never forget your little one, and I know you will be a comfort to others who go through similar situations in the future.

Heather said...

I am praying for you as you remember this day.

dani said...

he was... and he was a precious gift.
GOd is good, always, wendi:)
love,
dani

Katarina said...

hugs to you. I can not even beging to imagine. May God continue to draw you closer to Him.

Lena said...

***HUGS*** my hear goes out to you and your family... praying for you!

Beth in NC said...

I'm sending prayers up for you and your family. I can't imagine what you have endured. Thank you for sharing your heart with so many.

God bless you and bring you sweet comfort today.

Beth

Kari Dawson said...

That can't be easy to share in some ways but so essential in others. Thank you for putting your heart out there for us. My prayers are with you and your lovely family today!

Sarah@Life in the Parsonage said...

Your ministry here is so amazing, just by you being honest and sharing your life.

Love you, Wendi.

The Bayou Belles and Their Beau said...

Always praying for you, my friend. Thanks for being so transparent. It helps everyone who reads you, whether you know it or not.

Lisa said...

you are an inspiration!
thinking of you today, and always....

Mel said...

thanking you for sharing the pain and healing with me.

Lezlie said...

Thinking of you tonight...it's so true that previous milestones blur past when there are other small children who need us. My heart aches with you... time does make the pain less raw, but anniversaries are still painful.

Blessings,
Lezlie

Cindy said...

Wendi,
I have been away from blogging for awhile but I am so thankful that I checked in on you today. I special day in your life - a day filled with painful memories yet a day of rejoicing - knowing your little one is in the presence of Jesus.
I am praying that God continue to strengthen your faith while He allows you to hold thoughs precious memories.
You are always a blessing to me when I read your posts.
I am thankful that you have shared the joys and pains of your journey so openly and selflessly with us.
You are a treasure to God's kingdom.
Blessings to you and your sweet family.
Prayers for joy to fill your hearts.
Cindy

Jules from "The Roost" said...

What a beautiful post and beautiful baby boy! Thanks for sharing those painful but real feelings.

Rach@In His Hands said...

Wendi,

Today I have tears for your family for the loss of your dear, sweet son. And yet I rejoice with you with the knowledge that sweet J.D rests in his Savior's arms.

Praying that He brings you peace that outweighs the pain...

Love you, friend.

Becky said...

Thanks for sharing this with us. I love you, Wendi!

Jackie @ Our Moments Our Memories said...

As always, thinking of you, praying for you, loving you. Your heart is so beautiful, and I love that you share it with us.