Mommy running on empty = aggravation

This is one tired mama. This is a mommy who should know better. Who should know that days on end of cooking, cleaning, trying, parenting, disciplining, paying bills, disciplining, correcting, diapering, feeding, disciplining, and disciplining (yeah, there's been alot of that lately) simply can not be done with out fuel for the job. How often I fall into the same trap. Thinking I can do it, trying too hard, and ending up an exhausted mess of frustration. Five is not a bad age here at our house. I am enjoying K's eagerness to learn, his sweet spirit, his desire to help. My heart is tender to his attempts to figure out where he fits into things as a boy with cerebral palsy. He is noticing more differences in himself in comparison to other kids. He wants to run with them. So often I can see the furrowed brow of frustration give way to that burst of sunshine smile that he has. His acceptance and adaptability are truly admirable qualities. This is not a difficult age for me to deal with as a mommy. Trying to help him find his place and assist him to live his life to the highest potential however does take physical and emotional energy. Physically because carrying him around, lifting him to be able to play at the playground, etc can take a toll. He is now over a third of my weight and of course we are hoping he continues to steadily put on weight. My chiropractor has good job security. The emotional energy expelled comes from the fact that my heart is just so wrapped up in this child. :) Three - well I think you know how I feel about three. I've mentioned it a time or two. Certainly the toughest age I have encountered thus far (Lets put a hold on those comments warning me of what is to come) :). In the worn out state I've been in I fear I have been no match for the stubborn and blatant disobedience I am encountering in my Jay. Oh how I love him. Oh how ready I am for a break. A break is not on the list of things that are coming soon to my life. Thank God for each little moment of grace he gives me so that I can handle the job He has given me. Oh Mr. Jay. My so full of life, ready to love with out limits, and ready to stand his ground like his life depends on it boy. Those janitor's genes. I'm telling you - tough stuff. Eighteen months -cuteness personified and learning how far he can go. Need I say more? Well, it's me and I love words, so I will. He knows how to work those baby blues. His two new favorite words are "NO" and "MINE". I have to turn away when he says them so he won't see me laugh. He says them with all of the regal authority of - well, an eighteen month old. It's like he thinks when he says those words he has this commanding voice and all should just bow at the sheer majesty of it. Sorry babe, you've got the cutest little voice ever, but authoritative? Just not happenin' yet kido. I see so much of Jay coming out in Noe. He is emulating the very things I would wish to subtract completely from the equation. He is loving some new found independence, but seems to have very little concept of boundaries yet. For several days in a row now I have been putting alot of energy into these guys with out using common sense to fill myself up with the needed fuel required to do the job. I do this way too often. Putting it into words is now providing a bit of accountability. :) I have allowed myself to get to the end of my rope. By last night my patience was about paper thin. It just wasn't good for any body. As I was putting Noe to bed last night He gave me that sleepy little smile-past-the-thumb-in-his-mouth look. Something about that simple and sweet sight woke me up to what I had done. Become exhausted. Allowed the difficult moments of mommy-ing to steal the joy of the simple ones. Run out of energy without seeking more to fill me up. I had become quite overwhelmed. Ever look at a couch full of laundry, turn to see the sink full of dishes as a little one is looking at you screaming NO, and just want to run? We pray with each boy before tucking them in at night and my prayer with Noe was a heart felt supplication that he would have my best - not my 'leftovers'. After the guys were all in bed I was tempted to completely zone out in front of the TV or computer. I knew I had an important choice to make. Zoning out would perhaps be relaxing but would not fulfill the deep need which was becoming so evident. So many times I have ignored the promptings to follow through with that which would equip me to be so much more capable to do, and enjoy, my daily responsibilities. I'm pleased to say that last night I made the choice I needed to (Probably wouldn't be blogging about it if I hadn't. I'd be to tired and grumpy and likely wouldn't want to own up to it). I just let the quiet penetrate my weariness. I had a very needed conversation with God. He knew where I was at and what I needed, just really wanted me to come to him with it. I picked up my Bible and began a search for the times that Jesus went off to quiet places to restore and refresh himself. I read some of the prayers that He prayed. Something about reading the words he uttered from tired lips was refreshing for me. As I continued on in my reading I happened upon a passage that filled something up in me that I didn't even know was lacking at the moment. It was these verses in John 17 (talking about those who believe in Jesus), "May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am..." It was the love thing that just pierced through the cloud of tired. How often have I heard of God's love? Pretty much my entire life. And still there are moments where I doubt my worthiness. I don't feel lovable. Why would the creator of the universe - a holy and sinless God, love me - want to be with me, and desire me to be with Him?! But there it was right in front of me. He loves me as he loved his very own son; Jesus. I have to tell you guys what that means to me. It means energy to do another day. It means confidence. It fills me up. After I read I sat and reflected on the message I was getting. It had started earlier in the day, but I hadn't given it much thought. As I was driving to do some errands I happened upon a radio program that was talking about God's great love for us. I spend alot of time in my mini van. :) I like the radio on. I like my music loud. If I'm just running K to an appointment or a short errand I usually change the station from talking to music. This time the guy who was speaking really grabbed my attention though. It was only about 10 minutes of driving, but the encouragement I received was wonderful. Later I was cleaning for a friend and she had left some wonderful worship music on for me. Many of the lyrics were reinforcing the encouragement I had heard before and prefacing the encouragement I would receive later. Some one orchestrated it all don't you think? :) I do. I would still really appreciate prayer as I face many responsibilities and truly desire to love my children deeply at each stage they are at. Dave is beginning a very big roofing project here this weekend. It will take all of his time for the next several weeks. He will be going on a wilderness camping trip with guys from church when this project is at point where it can be temporarily left and will be gone for a week. How thankful I am that He has the abilities to fix our roof as well as the opportunity to get some guy time later. How tired I feel just thinking about it. :) I really need to continue applying what I have been learning.

Oh and getting the encouragement I needed to refuel myself - this didn't hurt either.

I woke up to this sitting next to my computer. :) Awwwww. I love him.