Saturday, April 26, 2008

 On inadequacies-

Having one of those days. Seems that every time I turn around, my own inadequacies are glaring at me. I have mentioned my little issue with comparing before. It began years ago and has been a slow and rather subtle evil. Lately it has begun to be much more of a formidable and bold force which has crept in to my life and stolen much of my joy. I know how wrong it is. I know it isn't beneficial to myself, or any body I love. Quite the contrary. It is rooted in pride, and sprouts into a prickly vine of envy. -Joy stealers. Obstructions in living life in the fullness, completeness, and richness we long for and were created for. It's a fact of life that we will frequently come across people who excel at certain things that we do not, or perhaps they may share our interests and are simply uniquely talented in those areas beyond what we are. I feel like I am at a crucial place in my life where I have to learn to be okay with that and live my life to the best of my own abilities. Much to my detriment, at the moment, I am instead noticing the women who are far more beautiful than I ever could be, the writer who is far superior in their story telling and grammatical abilities, the individual who has charisma and can engage any audience, the scrap booker who's amazing creations give you a sudden impulsive desire to discreetly slide your own scrap books into the trash can (You know who you are - Cricket's mom! Just kidding, you know I love you and I really enjoyed our time together!), the athletic diva who makes you suddenly feel like an awkward couch potato, and the musician who makes their abilities look effortless and yours feel juvenile. Ever walk into a home that was decorated with amazing style, had no clutter, and smelled amazing? How did that make you feel? Ever heard that voice in your head telling you that the totally put together mommies holding the hands of their little designer clothing clad cuties probably never knew what it was like to scrub poop off a crib and scrape 2 day old mac n cheese off the high chair. Yeah, that's where I'm at. The guilt inducing thing here is that I know better! I know those mommies have the same issues that are common to all who raise little ones. No body is immune to poop! I also know the danger of believing the lies whispered to us of never being good enough. I have personally and passionately encouraged others to combat those same lies and believe the truth. Truth that we were created in a uniquely personal and intimate way, bought with a price, treasured by our God. But, here it is friends. In another 'moment of truth' revelation: I feel inferior, inadequate, and insecure at least 90% of the time. Honestly, I kind of grieve over this. I grieve for myself and the many other women who face a standard put out there by the world which we will never meet and were never meant to meet. One of the many gifts God has given me to combat the negativity is a certain janitor in my life. :) I have learned some profound things from his way of thinking. Dave knows we all make mistakes, but encourages picking up where we left off, learning from our mistakes and going on with our lives, forever better for the learning opportunity. I remember many times in my life where at the end of the day I have simply regressed to a teary puddle on the floor. Quite often I berate myself with all the things I should've done better. Dave comes along side me, listens, and gently shows me the unhealthy path I am going down. He shows me the futility of what if's and should have's. A common inadequacy inducing moment for me involves balling over the fact that the doctors want me to get 40 oz of liquid into K each day, he has drank a measly 8 oz., and I have only been able to get an additional 12 into him through his g-tube. He needs 1300 calories per day and I obsess about the days we don't come close. He has fine motor, gross motor, oral motor, and speech development exercises that I should be doing with him on a regular basis. I wonder- if I spent more time doing those things with him how much further would he be in his development? Is my own lack of discipline, impatience, selfishness, {inadequacies} negatively affecting those who I love most? That, to me, is one of the scariest questions to face. So, today I am convicted. I am challenged to decipher truth from lies, learn from the truth and go on a better person. Ever have one of those days?? I'm off to read "Lies Women Believe and the Truth That Sets Them Free".

9 comments:

Amanda said...

wendi...oh how i pray for you right now. how i pray that God would remind you not only of His truth but of His immeasurable grace and mercy. i can completely relate. i struggle so much with feelings of inadequacy...and i think if we could all be more transparent we would be so much better off. you are not alone. i love "lies women believe"...i know that God most likely has already used it to encourage your weary soul.

mamachristina said...

Isn't it amazing the lies we believe about ourselves? I see you as very beautiful and a deep, insightful, and godly woman, wife, and mother. You can't go wrong with that. God bless even on the tough days.

Sarah M. said...

J,
You are a treasure! Thank you for braving the "dangers" of transparency! I pray you so equip your mind with truth that Satan's lies are eclipsed.
I love you and like you too!

Elizabeth...mommy...etc said...

wendi-are you in my head!!!! i was just telling esquire something extremely similar to that! i used to be this self-confident woman who didn't flutter at anyone elses abilities, talents, opinions that would ever put mine into question...and suddenly, since i've been a mom mostly, i've regressed i feel into this less confident woman. where did the "real me" go or is this the "real me"? it's hard to find where the old me is when my old nature...the old man...creeps up and tries to ruin the vision that God has given me for my life. yes...you are NOT ALONE. and i think somehow blogging is theraputic for me but at the same time it also makes me feel so inadequate and less than...b/c i see all of YOU OTHER AMAZING women out there and think...what could i possibly say that these amazing creatures would want to hear?

well...not that've i've done an entire post on your blog...i'll say good-bye. haha

you are a wonderful amazing creation from God...never doubt that and when you do, email me and i'll remind you...or just look at your children and know that your mother still looks at you with those same admiring and dreamy in love eyes...as does your janitor. :-)

*elizabeth

FordFamilyFun said...

I find myself feeling those things you described everyday. It takes concious effort to not get caught up in how much better everyone else is than me. There are a few things that help me overcome those feelings. The first is to remember that my husband could have picked any other woman to share his life with and yet, he chose me (obviously he didn't marry me for my money!!). The second is that I was also chosen by God (1John v. 4:19). The last thing is that when choosing Mom's for my boys, God saw that I was the perfect Mom for them. I think that when choosing the perfect Mom for K he chose you, knowing all about you. You were the perfect one. I love you and pray for you.

Rachel said...

Oh yeah. I know what you are feeling to the depth of my bones. Sometimes I think I allow myself to loose myself in the things I feel I do well (i.e. Scrapbooking & Music)so as not to have to face the things I don't.(i.e. Cleaning) I have to choose not to loose myself in the selfish things in my life.

Over and over in the last few months the song "The Voice of Truth" has run through my mind. What does God think of me, how does he love me. At those times of the month when the clouds are darker than any other I must force myself to remember "God makes everything glorious, What does that make Me?" I may not feel fit to be my kids mama or like I should be allowed on to the platform to sing with the praise team on Sunday Morning. But God made me. He loves me. He knew all that I am not and He still chose to save me. In that I must rest. God Loves Me.

Becoming Me said...

Ohhhhh. Boy. You know, I too struggle with these comparisons from time to time. I think that Satan feeds on them. We are less effective when we are worrying about our inadequacy. The truth is we are all inadequate and that is how it should be because if we were perfect not only would we not need Christ, but neither would those close to us. Rest in Him my new friend. Take those thoughts captive. You are not a failure. You are a lovely child of the King of Kings and He delights in you! DELIGHTS. And I agree with the other commenters as well. He chose you as the mother of your sons. And although I don't know you personally, I know you well enough from your blog to know what a loving and devoted mother you are. And mothering is so tough. You are precious.

Sarah said...

I think it happens to all of us, now and then :) God is continually showing/reminding me to just be who He has called me to be...I can't be anyone else (even if I think I want to be.) And really, we all struggle with so much of the same stuff, and where one is weak, another is strong...your strengths are MANY, friend :)
Thanks for keeping it real ;)

Kari Dawson said...

Um, yeah we are not immune from poop! I got a good laugh from that and remember the many days I got my twin girls from nap time only to find I had to scrape poop from the crib and walls first! They were very necessarily potty-trained at only 2 years old!

We all find ourselves in that very same place I'm sure daily. Give yourself credit for recognizing the lies! Now all you have to do is stop the record player and put on a different track. Our worth and value thankfully is measured in how God sees us and thank God he sees our hearts and not our mistakes, intentions, or inadequacies.