On inadequacies-

Having one of those days. Seems that every time I turn around, my own inadequacies are glaring at me. I have mentioned my little issue with comparing before. It began years ago and has been a slow and rather subtle evil. Lately it has begun to be much more of a formidable and bold force which has crept in to my life and stolen much of my joy. I know how wrong it is. I know it isn't beneficial to myself, or any body I love. Quite the contrary. It is rooted in pride, and sprouts into a prickly vine of envy. -Joy stealers. Obstructions in living life in the fullness, completeness, and richness we long for and were created for. It's a fact of life that we will frequently come across people who excel at certain things that we do not, or perhaps they may share our interests and are simply uniquely talented in those areas beyond what we are. I feel like I am at a crucial place in my life where I have to learn to be okay with that and live my life to the best of my own abilities. Much to my detriment, at the moment, I am instead noticing the women who are far more beautiful than I ever could be, the writer who is far superior in their story telling and grammatical abilities, the individual who has charisma and can engage any audience, the scrap booker who's amazing creations give you a sudden impulsive desire to discreetly slide your own scrap books into the trash can (You know who you are - Cricket's mom! Just kidding, you know I love you and I really enjoyed our time together!), the athletic diva who makes you suddenly feel like an awkward couch potato, and the musician who makes their abilities look effortless and yours feel juvenile. Ever walk into a home that was decorated with amazing style, had no clutter, and smelled amazing? How did that make you feel? Ever heard that voice in your head telling you that the totally put together mommies holding the hands of their little designer clothing clad cuties probably never knew what it was like to scrub poop off a crib and scrape 2 day old mac n cheese off the high chair. Yeah, that's where I'm at. The guilt inducing thing here is that I know better! I know those mommies have the same issues that are common to all who raise little ones. No body is immune to poop! I also know the danger of believing the lies whispered to us of never being good enough. I have personally and passionately encouraged others to combat those same lies and believe the truth. Truth that we were created in a uniquely personal and intimate way, bought with a price, treasured by our God. But, here it is friends. In another 'moment of truth' revelation: I feel inferior, inadequate, and insecure at least 90% of the time. Honestly, I kind of grieve over this. I grieve for myself and the many other women who face a standard put out there by the world which we will never meet and were never meant to meet. One of the many gifts God has given me to combat the negativity is a certain janitor in my life. :) I have learned some profound things from his way of thinking. Dave knows we all make mistakes, but encourages picking up where we left off, learning from our mistakes and going on with our lives, forever better for the learning opportunity. I remember many times in my life where at the end of the day I have simply regressed to a teary puddle on the floor. Quite often I berate myself with all the things I should've done better. Dave comes along side me, listens, and gently shows me the unhealthy path I am going down. He shows me the futility of what if's and should have's. A common inadequacy inducing moment for me involves balling over the fact that the doctors want me to get 40 oz of liquid into K each day, he has drank a measly 8 oz., and I have only been able to get an additional 12 into him through his g-tube. He needs 1300 calories per day and I obsess about the days we don't come close. He has fine motor, gross motor, oral motor, and speech development exercises that I should be doing with him on a regular basis. I wonder- if I spent more time doing those things with him how much further would he be in his development? Is my own lack of discipline, impatience, selfishness, {inadequacies} negatively affecting those who I love most? That, to me, is one of the scariest questions to face. So, today I am convicted. I am challenged to decipher truth from lies, learn from the truth and go on a better person. Ever have one of those days?? I'm off to read "Lies Women Believe and the Truth That Sets Them Free".