Friday, September 6, 2013

 Some 'splainin

You know that feeling of going through motions and doing, doing, doing?

And then you start to feel weird and realize you are kind of on auto pilot and you don't really "feel" a whole lot? But you keep doing, and you are efficient, somewhat organized, and getting things done?

 But still, just doing. Doing, doing, doing. It can be like a sickness sometimes.  Know that feeling? Maybe you do and maybe you do not.      

Maybe you have had to diagnose yourself with being exhausted, overbooked, and doing too much _ some of it for all the wrong reasons.

Maybe you haven't 

Last year I was doing alot. And I did most of it fairly well. So many things we accepted onto our plates. It looked kind of impossible and many people gave me cautionary advice.
"Watch it,
be careful,
these are all good things,
but don't
                do
                         too
                                      much…."

And I honestly told them that everything I was involved in had been prayed over and I had much peace about. It was pretty supernatural really.

Inspired.

Last year was.

I did it, I was supposed to do it, and I did it with energy and passion.

This year is not last year. 


Bam!  …and ouch.


I know. You were right. Hello friends. 

The kind of energy and passion with which I carried out what I was called to do last year was not the kind that could be sustained long term.

Apparently. 

My pride is taking a pretty enormous beating. But this is good. I know it is; The Admitting that I am very, very human.

I don't know. I guess I thought The Doing, and The Energy, and The Efficiency was my new way of life.
Hmmmph. 

I added a couple of very small things to my life this fall. I honestly did not think adding a couple of things would change anything. I thought that adding things and being able to do them well, in addition to All The Other Stuff was like a new Spiritual gift or something.

I know.

I know. 

I'm loopier than a box of fruit loops.

So, this is me in process of paring back. It's both refreshing and painful. It's a relief and kind of like cutting off an arm. So, yeah - that makes a ton of sense. 

I'm praying over my schedule, my commitments, my ministries, my passions, and really my whole life.

I've been asking God what needs to go, and the places he is pointing to are actually really surprising to me. I'm listening though. I'm really listening to Him. Previous to this revelation of Too Much I'm afraid I wasn't listening very closely, or at least I wasn't heeding what my heart knew He was saying.

For instance, last year Dave and I heard very clearly that it was our "year of yes". We dove in. He gave green lights all over the place. As the year wound down we saw some orange lights, and started to evaluate where we were at. After some prayer we felt as though God was giving us a new word.  No longer "yes", but "focus". The year of yes changed to our "year of focus". This would be the year we would find our handful of places to plug into ministry and focus on them.

Somehow my crazy mind started bending that concept and made it the yesfocus year.  Because, really, if I had done it for a year, surely it was just the way I was going to be able to function forever, so YES! I'll focus
             on
                      e v e r y t h i n g !!! Yes!

Only that crashed and burned last night on our front sidewalk in broken sobs telling Dave that I can't do it anymore.

Maybe some of it is hormones, maybe some of it is the fact that I'm getting over 3 weeks of bronchitis that really weakened me. Maybe it's the new fall time schedule and changes.

But mostly, just this…

Hi, my name is Wendi, and I can't do it all.





5 comments:

Daphne Gaspard said...

Oh, Wendi! I feel ya', girl! I've been there too ... too many times to count. God will show you what to get rid of. I pray you have peace about letting go of whatever you have to. No guilt too!! :)

Andrea said...

Hugs to you! Your willing heart is such a blessing, and I pray that God would truly focus your heart on the things he has for you *this* year. I am feeling this place too, and paring back has honestly been hard on the old ego!

But yes, peace about letting go, and renewed passion for this year and for all the right yes things to stay and the others to go guilt free. I'll bet this post felt really good to write. xo

Jenn Bowers said...

I hear you loud and clear! Lay back against Jesus and just breathe. Rest in Him and then He'll show you exactly what He has for you.

Nikki said...

Hi Wendi, my name is Nikki, and I suffer from the same malady you describe.

Seriously...it is so hard to believe that God has given me exactly what I need to be able to do *this season*--and then to remodel my life to reflect that. Pregnant and with a toddler makes the rest of my to-do list so much shorter than I'm used to, and there is a lot of pride tied up in my feelings of guilt for not doing/being more...praying for both of us, that Jesus helps us focus on what He wants for us this year.

Lynda Halliger Otvos (Lynda M O) said...

Wendi, Love will carry you thru, giving up some of what we do is very very hard and yet we have to do that which we can and let go that which we must. I hold you up to the Universal Healing Power and know that Dave and you will make the right choices. Stay in the moment, the kids need you there.