He was the first one through our front door yesterday afternoon.
Oh my heart.
I squeezed my eyes shut so tight, because I wanted to chase away the burning, and I wanted to function well as their mom. I am their mom. They walk in and they need to see my smile. They don't know that anything is different than yesterday, or the day before. Eventually they will hear more, and I am okay with that, but for now - they throw their backpacks on the floor - right next to the hooks where they belong - and for once I don't say anything.
They do the thing they do every afternoon. They are boys… and legos become guns, fly swatters are weapons, they are playing innocent little boy giggly wars. My heart chokes my next breath, and I begin to ask them to stop… but it's them and it's pure innocence.
It's okay. It really is.
The thing that keeps getting me, over and over, is that it isn't just one day of intense heartache for those families. Those families in Newtown, who went through that every day routine of packing lunches,
loading kids up into vehicles,
buckling seat belts, to keep their kids safe.
It's the rest of their lives. Forever stuff.
It's now, and tomorrow, and Christmas, and next year,
the class of 2025… and beyond.
But I wash down my fear with trust.
If we as Christians represent our God,
our Solid Rock
then shame on us.
You know that thing that we are all getting ready for? That celebration that happens in 10 days? The excitement, and glitter, and lights, and plans?
That is Christmas.
That is a celebration of redemption. The God of everything entering into this sick, deprived, messed up grossness. He CHOSE to come into this. He died for everyone, and desires that NO ONE should die without tasting this beautiful redemption. No one.
Am I grieving? Am I confused, and having a hard time getting my brain around how events like what happened yesterday get through the filter of a sovereign God? Does my heart ache when I look at my four beautiful children? You bet.
Oh my, yes.
But - here is the thing. My hope surges strong. Strong in Jesus.
Do you know what redemption means??
The shooting of 27 unsuspecting individuals makes us literally sick.
So heavy, so sick, weighed down.
But right now, right here, we are already entering the celebration of the deliverance of this and so many other grievous acts just like this one.
Guys - this world we live in is gross. We should expect that. We chose sin. We chose us. We chose depravity… And then…
When the time was just right the lover of our souls whispered passionately
"I can save you from that."
"I can save you from you."
And He left *perfect* to experience
He died for that.