Wednesday, June 13, 2012

 In which I deny my desire to write fiction

Oh June…. June, June, June.

See, I knew you were coming, and I even knew you were going to be kind of harsh. But darn-it STOP trying to kick my tail! 

I was all tears last night and Dave was all tired-overtaxed-way-too-much-on-his-plate last night. So, teary, tired, needy wife just kind of does the finger nails on chalkboard thing to already booked up and exhausted husband.

Two words: not pretty.

I keep thinking "whoa, let's stop with all this growth and transition and challenge stuff. Have I not grown? Surely, I have! We're good for now. We did this transition thing. We are open to change and moving forward, but lets just breathe for a second."

But no. :)

 I promise, I really do want to grow, mature, and strive for betterment. It's just hard. Something in me cringes deeply at hard. 

Last night… I was pulling the sheets around me  in that agitated, passive-aggressive loveliness. We were kind of hashing some stuff out about where we are at right now. I had been letting a few things go here at home that I really needed to be stepping up and doing… he's thrown into these two classes that, although not overly difficult, make double the demands on his time as he tries to complete all of the classroom and home work requirements… at the same time that I am transitioning to a demanding summertime schedule involving four energetic, early rising, endlessly hungry boys.

I really fell into this "tell me I am awesome for all that I am doing! Validate me in my many hours of stay at home mom-ness! Notice the hours that I am shouldering everything here.." -it wasn't right. It was prideful, and yucky, and wrong.

Ugghhhh. Not proud of it guys. Not proud at all. Being completely honest, I know that I am still fighting with these tendencies. It is June 13th. Until the very last day of this month, things are only going to step up in busyness. Since my circumstances are not going to change anytime soon, I know my heart has to. 

I carried my Bible around with me for some portions of this day. Yep, I'm the crazy camera toting AND Bible toting lady. That's me. I'll own it. 

I sat down right where I was at and read today. Many times. And it helped tremendously.

I have this urgent desire to log on here and write a post about how amazing it is to have all of my boys home. How we have this super fun (and beautifully penned) summer bucket list, which we are giggling our way through. When we aren't hugging and singing camp songs. - Or frolicking in the wildflowers while playing ring-around-the-rosy.

My desire to be writing the above, fictional, post is so strong.

Here's the real: Today was good. It was better than yesterday. We had a really good time outside and I just about teared up when my two year old got off of the toddler swing, jumped up onto a big boy swing, and began pumping, propelling himself into the world of independent swinging. Some good times and sweet moments.

But it's been hard. Days have been long, and I have had moments of gritting my teeth and grasping for every ounce of patience I could find.

I have at times been viewed as a "natural" stay at home mommy. While I have always had this as a desire in my life, and I view it as a great privilege, I have to just admit that I struggle with this position more than most would guess. I know that some people have such an ease at mothering. I think of many home schooling moms who I know and deeply respect. They can't wait to teach and spend so much time investing in their children.

I love to teach my boys things. Investing in my kids is an honor. I learn so much form them. I am humbled at the feet of Jesus when I consider that he has entrusting these boys to me.

And yet… I have a lump in my throat even now, having this vulnerable moment - admitting that this is hard for me.

 It's hard. And sometimes it feels the furthest thing from natural.

And that's about it tonight.


Denise B. said... too, huh? ;)

Arlona said...

I'm available Friday night if that would help! I can rest there as good as at home if you need me. I could use a dose of McCallum boys!

Amy said...

"Living consistently with the faith does not mean living perfectly, but living in a way that reveals that God and His Word are the most important things to you. Such a [mother] can even honor God in [her] failure, with [her] humility in confession and [her] determination to change." {Paul Tripp}

Your honesty and humility speak more about your character than the shortcomings you just confessed to. I, for one, am grateful that you aren't writing fiction -- because it brings me great encouragement to know I'm not the only one! Praying for you!

Trisha said...

Thank you for your honesty. You put into words so many times what I feel on the inside as well. I pray that you enjoy your day tomorrow and also have the patience to parent your 4 boys

Sara@iSass said...

Like you my heart has the desire to be a stay at home mom. I did not have a good role model for mothering...imagine my surprise when I had toddlers and I realized "oh, you mean patience isn't just there!";like with the desire to be a mom, I thought, that all the pateince and happiness and JOY would just magically come out of me!
I have to fight "instincts" everyday not to react like what was modeled for me, I have to fight the evil ones taunts that I'm just like her...
I think that deep desire gives us the strength to keep going and to keep asking God for help getting through it.

Nikki said...

Wendi, thank you for your transparency. It's so easy in the blogging world to compare yourself to literally dozens of other women in "similar circumstances," and always come up so far short of "them." I love that you don't succumb to the pressure to fictionalize your reality, and the humility you show in publishing a post about what's really going on in your heart and life. There is!! in your honesty. Love you lady!!

Ashley Pichea said...

How I ever ended up homeschooling I do not know, because I'm there with you... I love my children, but 24/7 motherhood/homemaking is NOT my comfort zone at all. {And yet, I wouldn't trade it for the world.} Praying for rest for you - if only in your soul!

Penny said...

I don't have kids, but I think I would be in your shoes if I did and decided to stay at home with them. It seems really hard for me. I really like my job, and I enjoy my work. It's hard, it's long, but I enjoy it. And I know -- as you know -- that mothering is so special and joyful...but I know that I would long to work, too. Saying a prayer for you that it gets easier! =)