Tuesday, October 25, 2011

 To realign and simplify

I've done a little bit of "remodeling" over here and I love it.

I have a million and five things to do right now... WHY am I playing with the html codes on my blog design??

Some people have eating issues. Some people have html code issues. Let me explain: When I feel like I do not have the most organized house in the world, my schedule is crazy, and that beautiful illusion called "control" seems to be slipping from my tight grasp, I can go to my computer, open up my blog design page, type in a few letters & numbers;  and colors change, images change, sizes change - and they stay that way.

I tap the keys with orders of exactly what I want, and voila - magic. It happens. It neither talks back to me, nor gets undone 3 seconds after it is accomplished.

Issues? Me? Whatever do you say that for!

So, for seriousness, I do know the healthy and correct place to go when I feel like my world is swirling out of control. I spent an hour in prayer and dissecting passages of Scripture this morning. It was exactly what I needed. Exactly. God really met me where I was at this morning and my heart is ever grateful.

My sister called me this afternoon and asked if I was okay. It was so sweet, and I realized that my last post, and probably some recent facebook statuses may have indicated that I was in over my head, overwhelmed, not doing so hot.

And... that indication would probably be just about right on track for me this past week.

Alot was going on with K. New potential photography clients began popping into my inbox daily. Appointments filled the squares on my calendar. Homework for the boys, and various school papers needing attention began piling up on my desk. My menu board was glaringly white. Deadlines inched closer and closer.

I have been telling concerned friends and family for a few months now that I am NOT too busy. That I am doing great, feeling energized, and handling each thing as it comes.

That all felt true. But it may have been the adrenaline and coffee speaking for me.

Yesterday I had a very honest moment with myself when the house was quiet for the evening.

It was like this whisper that started in my head and then kind of wrapped itself around my throat in a half sob, half sigh... "I'm doing too much".

"How much longer can I keep this up?"

It sounds odd, even to me, but those two thoughts shocked me. I truly thought I was holding it all together well.

I'm not sure how long this whisper has been trying to get out to be heard.

I was probably too busy to notice.

I know that on Friday night I felt some interesting things that I haven't experienced for a long time. I couldn't sleep. My heart was racing. My mind refused to either shut off, or stop and focus on one thing. It was all.over.the.place.

As I have stated previously, so much of what we are involved in are things we have been called to do. I have commitments that I can not, will not, break. But it is definitely time to regroup and face my priorities head on.

Today I have given myself a bit of a day off. Dropping the two oldest boys off at school was the only thing that absolutely HAD to be done. I do not have to step foot back in my mom van at all today.


Obviously there are things I have to do around the house, but for the most part I am laying low and seeking the face of my God, asking him to show me how I can best serve him. I know if I am spread too thin, doing too much, I will only be giving a fraction to each calling. No one will get my best. That's not what He wants for me. I know that.

As I evaluate, I am very torn. There is so much that I want to do. So much that I feel energizes me. Naturally I want to drop the stuff that is hard. I want to throw myself into that which I am most drawn to... selfishly. I have some fears inching up that I may be asked to lay down some stuff that I really don't want to.

But that fear is trumped by a faith that there is something far better than I could ever plan for myself. I believe that His best plan for me is always, always better than any "great" plan I may struggle to give up.

I have been blessed with some gifts in my life, which I may have inadvertently begun to allow to be shifted to the back of  my priority list. That new header that I put up is a great reminder to me as I look at it. Simple. Streamlined. My 5 (errr, actually my 4.... because the feet of the baby were running off doing their own thing while we posed for pictures).

God give me the strength to surrender to your best....


Penny said...

We all at some point, I think, have that time where we just have to say "no" for our own sanities. Take time to get to know yourself again and rest for your own benefit as well as your family's. =)

Leslie said...

oh Wendi,

reading this. I nod. Too much.

For giving up things is my new normal, but for have to sort of reasons.

And to let go is way hard, just on its own. I am passionate and "called" to lots as well.. but let me challenge you, that typically its never the stuff thats easy to let go, that he calls us to release. Its the hard, you really love it, almost too much stuff.. and that is the biggest gift. The biggest tithe of our time. Lots of thoughts on titheing our time... rattling around. Post soon to come.. but just want to encourage you.

People know your heart, but that laying in bed.. heart racing.. is not at all.. where we are called.

Take a pen. And just make some changes. Some people may be dissapointed, but those people will not be our family, or our king of kings.

Leslie said...

ohh and HTML code.. = change that can't be undone.. YES YES YES.... agreed. I chuckled.

Anne Elizabeth said...

Excellent post! I feel like I can relate to a lot of what you said. We've had a major change in our lives recently, and as a result of that change I've had to give up a BIG dream. It's been REALLY hard for me, and I've kinda screamed/cried over it for the last few days. I am hoping and praying that I won't have to give it up for forever. I'd like to write a whole lot more, but my toddler is tearing the house apart, my 6 years old is crying/screaming, and my 4 year old is asking me to change the channel. Never a quiet err dull moment here. I'm praying for you!

savedbygrace said...

Wendi, This is my first time to comment on your blog. I'd like to say that although I haven't read every post on here, I have read several of them and, I have thoroughly enjoyed reading about your precious little ones. I guess what draws me the most is your honesty about how you feel and the determination within you to always trust in our heavenly Father, no matter what may come your way. Your blog is truly inspirational, uplifting, and encouraging. Thank you for continuing to remind us to look to Him. I agree with what you've said. I've been there many times. Regroup, reassess, and try to slow down just a bit and enjoy this abundant life He's given us!

Andrea said...

Cute. cute. cute. new banner :) And I so agree with the words above from savedbygrace - blessings on you as you surrender to God's best, xo

Jenn said...

First of all, I love your new header! So stylish!

Second, I love that you realized you needed to spend time at our Savior's feet. I know how hard it is when you feel he is calling you to give up some things, especially the things we love or feel so attached to. Amazingly, though, when we listen and respond to his calling, we become filled with an unexplainable joy!

Keep seeking and listening, my friend. God is calling!

Amy@My Front Porch said...

We are in similar places...which is why I have hardly had time to pop in over here and say hello :)

Love your new header!

Nikki said...

This post speaks so powerfully to where I am right now--so glad you've shared your heart here!