I've done a little bit of "remodeling" over here and I love it.
I have a million and five things to do right now... WHY am I playing with the html codes on my blog design??
Some people have eating issues. Some people have html code issues. Let me explain: When I feel like I do not have the most organized house in the world, my schedule is crazy, and that beautiful illusion called "control" seems to be slipping from my tight grasp, I can go to my computer, open up my blog design page, type in a few letters & numbers; and colors change, images change, sizes change - and they stay that way.
I tap the keys with orders of exactly what I want, and voila - magic. It happens. It neither talks back to me, nor gets undone 3 seconds after it is accomplished.
Issues? Me? Whatever do you say that for!
So, for seriousness, I do know the healthy and correct place to go when I feel like my world is swirling out of control. I spent an hour in prayer and dissecting passages of Scripture this morning. It was exactly what I needed. Exactly. God really met me where I was at this morning and my heart is ever grateful.
My sister called me this afternoon and asked if I was okay. It was so sweet, and I realized that my last post, and probably some recent facebook statuses may have indicated that I was in over my head, overwhelmed, not doing so hot.
And... that indication would probably be just about right on track for me this past week.
Alot was going on with K. New potential photography clients began popping into my inbox daily. Appointments filled the squares on my calendar. Homework for the boys, and various school papers needing attention began piling up on my desk. My menu board was glaringly white. Deadlines inched closer and closer.
I have been telling concerned friends and family for a few months now that I am NOT too busy. That I am doing great, feeling energized, and handling each thing as it comes.
That all felt true. But it may have been the adrenaline and coffee speaking for me.
Yesterday I had a very honest moment with myself when the house was quiet for the evening.
It was like this whisper that started in my head and then kind of wrapped itself around my throat in a half sob, half sigh... "I'm doing too much".
"How much longer can I keep this up?"
It sounds odd, even to me, but those two thoughts shocked me. I truly thought I was holding it all together well.
I'm not sure how long this whisper has been trying to get out to be heard.
I was probably too busy to notice.
I know that on Friday night I felt some interesting things that I haven't experienced for a long time. I couldn't sleep. My heart was racing. My mind refused to either shut off, or stop and focus on one thing. It was all.over.the.place.
As I have stated previously, so much of what we are involved in are things we have been called to do. I have commitments that I can not, will not, break. But it is definitely time to regroup and face my priorities head on.
Today I have given myself a bit of a day off. Dropping the two oldest boys off at school was the only thing that absolutely HAD to be done. I do not have to step foot back in my mom van at all today.
Obviously there are things I have to do around the house, but for the most part I am laying low and seeking the face of my God, asking him to show me how I can best serve him. I know if I am spread too thin, doing too much, I will only be giving a fraction to each calling. No one will get my best. That's not what He wants for me. I know that.
As I evaluate, I am very torn. There is so much that I want to do. So much that I feel energizes me. Naturally I want to drop the stuff that is hard. I want to throw myself into that which I am most drawn to... selfishly. I have some fears inching up that I may be asked to lay down some stuff that I really don't want to.
But that fear is trumped by a faith that there is something far better than I could ever plan for myself. I believe that His best plan for me is always, always better than any "great" plan I may struggle to give up.
I have been blessed with some gifts in my life, which I may have inadvertently begun to allow to be shifted to the back of my priority list. That new header that I put up is a great reminder to me as I look at it. Simple. Streamlined. My 5 (errr, actually my 4.... because the feet of the baby were running off doing their own thing while we posed for pictures).
God give me the strength to surrender to your best....