Thursday, September 29, 2011

 Dumping out my brain, onto the blog

Kai learned how to get out of his crib all by himself yesterday.

\Boom - now any kind of parental constraining is over. Gone. Just like that.

As gone as babyhood.

I laid him down in his crib. Kissed his chubby cheek, walked downstairs, closed the stair way door, and began to clean the house.

About an hour later, I turned around because I thought I heard a noise that sounded suspiciously like the stair way door opening... and there he was.

We eyed each other for a while. He looked down, a little guilty like, but raised his eyes to mine. it was like he was asking, "am I in trouble? I did something that I think is really cool... but I'm pretty sure I'm in trouble."

I just stood there for a minute, aligning my mental response to this. The only thing that I could think in that moment was, "This is it. The crib is going to be coming down for the last time! I'm not sure I'm ready for this..."

Ready or not...

I walked over to him, took his hand and said, "Did you just get out of your crib all by yourself?"

I could see his eyes light up. "Oh, maybe she isn't mad!" 

"Yee-ahhhh!" - Was his response, with plenty of up and down head movement to go along with it.

I asked him if he got any "owies', and he showed me his hand and said "owe", but I'm guessing the owes must not have been too bad, based on how incredibly happy he was over the entire incident.

We moved K up to the next age group's Sunday school class at church a couple of weeks ago. He is now in a group with a very wide age span; 2nd-6th grade. I didn't think it through thoroughly enough, and it has become apparent that, much like at school, he will need someone with him to help him focus, and to redirect his attention. He tends to get in his own little world sometimes, and that hinders his learning, as well as distracting the other kids.

As K gets older I find that we have many new obstacles to climb. Oh you guys, I just have to tell you how very unqualified I feel I am for this sometimes! I want to include him in things that others his age are doing... I want to encourage him to reach his highest potential, but there are so many differences in parenting him than in parenting our other boys. Sometimes I feel at such a loss. My heart is so tender when it comes to that boy. This morning I left him in the school parking lot with his new aide and he was screaming and crying because he didn't want to go to school. I had little tears in my eyes, because I know how hard it is for his aide to deal with this kind of behavior. I don't know why he does this sometimes, and I just beg for wisdom as I seek to help him work on his attitude.

Sometimes this is just hard. 

Hard, hard, hard.

I get tired and I feel overwhelmed. I don't want everyone to know this.

I want them to see the shining, happy, well rested, ready to take on anything that comes in to my path.

So, here I am publishing this remark, to help me get over myself,

"Sometimes this is very, very hard, and I feel like I didn't sign up for this, therefore I can't do it."

You know what I love?

Besides cheesecake.

And caramel brulee latte's...

I love that God's power in me helps me to do things that are too hard for me. I don't have to run and hide when I get all freaked out at my life (do you ever get all freaked out at your life??).

Because, really?  He wants me to get to that place where I realize the overwhelmed feeling that comes when I try to do this on my own.

Okay, He's got me right where he wants me. *smile*

You know what I hate?

Besides mice in my house.

And parallel parking.

I hate the feeling of being behind in housework/organization, and how that just looms over my head. I feel like it steals good family moments and an over all peaceful and relaxed feeling.

I seriously struggle with being disciplined. I am praying that I continue learning what I need to do to make this a sweet, peaceful, organized, warm, and loving home. Well - Dave takes care of the warm part, because he is the king of cutting and stacking wood, and filling the wood stove. Except that he probably has a behind feeling looming over his head on that stuff too. Who has time for that when they run on his schedule? No one.

Any one want to come cut and stack some wood? And while you're here - feel free to throw in a load of laundry. Or two.

For real though, how do you guys do it? How do you get your home looking fabulous, while planning for and making the meals, while raising the kids, while trying to run a small business, while investing in your kids spiritual lives, while working out, while being involved in ministry, while trying to meet the needs of those around you?

Lily is officially in remission. After just two weeks. Amazing! This does not mean that she is carefree and done. Not in the least. She's in the hospital right now dealing with a recurring fever and no immune system while losing her hair, getting poked and prodded, having intense leg pain. And a rash. So prayers are being answered all over the place, and still greatly needed!

If some one had told me a few months ago that this weekend I would be going to Detroit to photograph a wedding, I likely would have written them off as certifiably crazed.

And laughed.

Guess what I am doing tomorrow?

Yep. Camera battery is charging, and creative inspiration is flowing

 I can't wait to show you some of the pictures! Trying to hold my nervous energy at bay...

I'm thinking about writing a blog post about finances sometime. It's kind of hard to know how much to open that subject up to the general public. And yet, I feel it is a subject that we need to be talking about.

Raising a family on one income is possible.

Tithing is important.

Trusting God for just enough is tricky, and oh-so-powerful.

Trying to keep up with everyone and get the latest and greatest of everything is not necessary.

And on that note... Dave got a pay cut last week. Enrollment at the university he works at is down. Much lower than the expected, and planned for, goal was. So - here we go.

I have had to be very creative in finances before, I can continue.

Every one of our needs has always been supplied.

And honestly, alot of our wants have come through too. Many in very unexpected ways. God ways.

Okay, brain has been dumped out. I feel much better now


Nikki said...

I, for one, am very glad that you brain dump here! My heart sooooo resonates with what you say...especially "I get tired and I feel overwhelmed. I don't want everyone to know this." Ditto. And ditto with the hatred of parallel parking. It's evil.

Can't wait to see the wedding photos!!

Jedidja said...

Thanks for this blog. I like it to read your blog in my language by google translator and will say. I wish you God's closeness/nearness to. He said: I am with you all day.

Ashley said...

I love this. A great peek into your life. And thanks for sharing about your husband's job. My husband just got a job at a private college over the summer, and we were so excited to feel like finances finally wouldn't be so they're talking about budget cuts and scaling back everyone's pay. It kind of stresses me's nice to hear your calmness about it. OH, and my only tip for managing home: get rid of all the excess STUFF you can. It makes maintenance around the house so much easier! Oh, and one more thing :) I cried when we got rid of the crib. But I'm not sad about it anymore. It's just a sweet memory.

Becky said...

Thanks for being "real", my friend! Opening up with struggles can be so inspiring to others. Instead of us saying "I am never going to be like so and so," we can say "Oh, ok, she struggles too. She struggles and she clings to God, and that's where I need to be." Know that you speak so much more through reality than trying to put on perfection.

BaronessBlack said...

Well, I don't like the caramel brulee lattes, and I LOVE parallel parking ('cos I'm good at it!), but I agree with everything else. And I would LOVE a post on finances (without prying, you understand), but it's interesting to hear how other families manage to make ends meet.
Oh, and I'm still keen to hear how you manage your 4am starts! :-)

BARBIE said...

Thank you for sharing your struggles here. I never had children that climbed out of their cribs. I've always worked full-time and NEVER have a clean house or have anything organized. Besides work, I am very involved in ministry. So, I am not one to give any advice. Just know that God has promised to be with you on this journey. And you are rigth. You can do nothing in your own strength. And in your weakness, He is made strong and His power is perfected in you. Praying grace over you today and all days my friend.

Arlona said...

It is a challenge to keep laundry all "done" for 6 people all the time. You manage quite well for all that you do for family and others. Your house is lived in and clean so don't worry about it. You are doing very well. Looking forward to seeing God meets your needs even though Dave's wage have been cut. Dad has a load of wood for him, but it is rather "green" yet.

Katarina said...

Thankful that God is bringing you to a place (again) of realization that it is in His strength alone that we do this parenting thing.
How do I keep my house neat/organized? I'm not sure it falls into that category....I try but some days it is just so overwhelming and I am finding I really want to be much more intentional about spending time with the kids and I have had to be really creative in coming up with meal ideas lately, which seems to take over everything...including cleaning!
I love that God will always supply all that we need and that He blesses us continually with things that we want to. Praying that this season in your life will will you with contentment, joy and abundant trust in the One Who holds you in His grip.

Leslie Payne said...

After being away for 4 days caring for my 99 year old father in law, driving 800 miles, checking in on my recently injured mother and chronically ill returning to a mountain of laundry in a small condominium we call home...I feel overwhelmed.

What a comfort to read about other women who share similar struggles. Thank you for pointing me back to the One who is our strength.

Kristy said...

I totally understand the struggle with time and finding enough to do everything! When I list all the things I do and am involved in, its amazing that I find the time to use the toilet... seriously. But I have found that this year I had to make a schedule. I have to stick to that schedule. And I have "time with boys" on that schedule. It may sound horrible that I have to write it down, but I want to have time FOCUSED on only them and not on the laundry (I'm considering starting a christian nudist colony), or my business (which is growning :-D), or my lifelong list of To-Do Projects. So I have time scheduled every night dedicated to sitting still and holding them, reading with them, doing daily devotions with them... and even practicing spelling words with them. I would rather lose sleep to get the other stuff done that miss out on those moments. Love you, praying that you don't feel too stressed with the pressures of life and are always able to find those moments to savor... even if you have to schedule them.

Redhead Mommy said...

Mmm...your written voice is like chocolate, Wendi.

The Sneaky Mommy said...

I read this post while nursing Maddox...and then I read it again. You are so encouraging! Thanks for taking the time to be real in written words for the rest of us to soak up!