On choosing

When Dave and I had only been dating for a short time we began talking about lasting love. How to make love last. What it takes. We both expressed our beliefs to one another that love is a choice.

The feelings of infatuation, admiration, (dare I say) lust, attachment, companionship - these are all good, fine, and fun in the appropriate time and place. But alot of these? They are feelings, or at least based on feelings and emotions. Feelings and emotions can change like the weather. They are not lasting.

Revealing my naivety big time here: I was so wrapped up in the "feelings" of love while Dave and I were dating and engaged that even though I declared my beliefs on love being a choice, I secretly held to the ideal that surely I would never have to make that choice. It would always just be there. It would be different for us. It was all just so...right. ;)

And it was good. And we held on to a fun love for each other. Until it wasn't.

And the same year that we celebrated our second anniversary and I turned 22 we became the parents of twin boys that had combined weights of less than 3.5 pounds. We faced decisions regarding our children that ripped our hearts out. We watched our son die. We buried him. We faced the intimidating prospect of raising a son with special needs. We would grow closer and then further apart. We grieved together, and yet we grieved so differently. We found some things out about each other that we hadn't known. And we didn't like. We held tight to each other and then we hurt each other - and then we reached out to one another.

And I will never forget the first time that I had to choose.

I remembered it. I remembered it all. The conversations about love being a choice.

The smug smile.

Of course it is a choice - but...

Not us.

Not me.

Not this.

This is so, so good!

And there I sat on the edge of our bed. Tears blurring my vision. Trying to pray and having no words.

It hit me square in the stomach. Like a punch I wasn't ready for and couldn't defend myself from.


I don't feel love for him right now.

I shuddered inside and I felt guilty and I felt like a failure and I kind of wanted to throw up.

But then I chose.

At that moment I didn't have infatuation and I had anything but admiration.

But I had loyalty and I had love. I didn't have the kind of love that says "You are the sweetest guy in the universe and when you touch me I forget to breathe!" It was a love that was saying "I entered into a covenant relationship with you that only death can break. In our vows we said that we would be loyal to one another in all things and in all circumstances. We made those vows before God. I'm going to love you. I'm going to love you. I'm going to love you."

And heaven knows there have been countless times when he has had to choose.

Choose me and my selfishness - all of the sin nature one can think of wrapped up in skin - striving for victory and named Wendi... he has to choose to love that every day.

And he does.

Over and over and over.

And the more we choose, the more we feel. The more we feel the less often we have to choose.

Choosing can be hard. It can seem impossible sometimes. And every now and then - well, sometimes we will choose and then "forget" . Or more likely refute our own choosing. And we have to consciously make that choice several times per excruciating hour.

This kind of choosing requires a selflessness that is not possible in and of ourselves. It's all God - it has to be.

And the rewards? I can't even find the words.

It's exquisite.

Right now I feel alot of love for him. Infatuation even. Admiration - you bet!

But I know that there's going to come a day when I will be sitting on the edge of the bed with my vision blurred on account of the tears. Because my imperfect husband is married to an imperfect woman. It's going to happen again. And I am not going to like it one bit.

But see? I am going to know that it's going to be okay. I am going to know that we will be okay. Because of the choosing. We have the tools to weather the storm.

Will we use them?

It's all a choice.