The mommy dance

I sit there, right next to him, showing him how to make the loop,

and pull the string,

and tie the shoe.

And that feeling, which I am getting somewhat accustomed to now, grips my heart again.

His fingers look awkward and clumsy as he concentrates so hard on this small task.

His grin conveys more than any words can. "I'm doing it mom!

'Cause I'm getting big now huh?

I can reach the sink at preschool.

I'm growing."

Reaching the sink at preschool was epic to him.

And for just a minute I feel like I can barely breathe.

It took a while for me to connect with this boy. He kind of threw my life upside down

with colic,

and not sleeping,

and a strong will that started at birth...

Screaming and kicking and taking life on with a gusto that left me in its dust.

But the relationship that started blossoming between us - well it's indescribable now.

He means the world to me.

He is my dirt throwing,

hand holding,

question asking,

truth seeking,

big boy.

His intelligence still takes me by surprise sometimes (biased? Who, me?).

He means the world.

And all this big boy stuff,

this shoe tying

and kindergarten round up attending,

independence reaching,

well it's new to me.

And just between you and me - I'm not sure if I'm ready for this -

with him.

I feel like all of the good of our relationship is kicking in to high gear now. I want to savor it. I want these mornings where he stumbles into my room and crawls in bed with me to last a little bit longer. Where his messed up hair brushes against my arm as he snuggles in and asks what I am going to make for breakfast - and then convinces me that it must be "something homemade and tasty". The bonding that started slowly and quietly in my heart is so consuming now. And now that it is in full bloom it's time to give him space and let him grow....

This mommy stuff is tricky sometimes.

It's a balance; a dance.

 It's hard until it's good and then it's adjusting to new. Then there is new hard and new good...

 His eyes are so big and so blue. They look straight into mine in a way that will not allow me to give him anything except truth and authenticity. He asks me to make him promises and keep them. He asks me to show him the way. He implores me to be real and to have integrity. He wants me to be there for him. He shows me what is important.

 And my throat hurts a little bit when I think about what all of this is leading to.  

This one finding his wings...