Friday, January 29, 2010

 And sometimes I cry over "briefs"

Poor lady on the other end of the phone this morning. Poor, poor lady. She didn't do anything wrong. And it's certainly not her fault that my 7 year old is not potty trained. Not her fault at all. And I need to stop thinking it is my fault too. There is a possibility that I could put him on a better schedule - trying to just build habits - teach him... somehow. I don't know. There is so much I just don't know. But this morning when I called to order more "youth briefs" (big ugly diapers) and ended up in tears.... it was just nobodies fault. And the lady helping me out was a bit at a loss... This is a part of parenting K that I don't talk about often. I have a hard time with it. He's smart. All of his doctors seem to think he can get this. I am left wondering if I have done something wrong, or have been too busy with the other boys, or have not been diligent enough. Right now the truth of the situation seems to be that he just can't feel enough to know when he has to go, or has gone. We are beginning to think it is a physical issue, which may not be resolved. We just don't know. But he's seven, and he's in kindergarten, and we have to buy jeans a size or so too big for him so that they will go over the bulk of the big ugly diaper... and something in me just feels so sad. All of these alarms go off in my head. They say that worrying about silly stuff like this is indulgent and petty . They sound off in my head: "Guilty!" "Stop!" "He's breathing, He's alive!" "Don't worry about things that don't matter" Over and over. But the alarms in my head can do nothing to stop the truth - that right now, to me, it does matter. I can not deny my honest struggles. It does matter. Hey you - "he's breathing, he's alive!" alarm. Yeah, you. I appreciate the way you help me keep perspective, but you have to lay off a bit. We had been getting shipments of 2 "youth briefs" per day. I called today to increase to five. Because we were trying to train - and only have him in them part time. But he was saying "no" when the answer was "yes" and he was asking me if he had gone - and he was confused - and I was stressed - and that was stressing him out - and I am training Noe, and he is getting it (finally). I know the difference. So I said we need more and she questioned why - and we had to go through all of this insurance stuff and she questioned some more... And I cried.


Jessi said...

aww, I'm sorry. He is okay. Really. I know it's sad but maybe he just doesn't get it, maybe he does but like you said he's alive, he's breathing and he'll be okay whether the issue is resolved or not. I know it's really hard.


Leslie said...

your heart for him shines through in this.. its your job as a mother.. to desire these bits of "freedom" for him. Its our naturual desire for our children, to teach them grow them... and make them independent. Your just loving him fully as God designed us.... never keep striving for him Wendi. Never.

And way to go K... you CAN DO IT!!

Love you lady.. love this spot of yours

Anthony's Mommy said...

I know what you mean about the voice in your head. I get it ALL the time. Especially with this speech apraxia diagnosis. Which I am told has NOTHING to do with his prematurity. But still..... I wonder. I feel the guilt. And then I tell myself "OMG Kim! He's going to talk! One day you WILL hear that first sentence!" and of course the "he's alive! Everything else can be dealt with." And yeah, Anthony is stiffer then most 2 year olds and has low tone in some areas. And I hate focusing on these "minor" things! But I guess when you don't have life threatening things to focus on you look for the little things. Cause we are just use to doing it. Looking out for the next hurdle to deal with, cause thats the way it has always been.

I have no advice on the potty training. I know Anthony isn't there yet. Although his dad thinks its hilarious that Anthony can fart on command! lol And he says that will help with potty training (whatever larry!) Just wanted to give you some virtual (hugs).


Katie@The Baby Factory said...

Wendi, you are an incredible mommy and you guys are doing the best you know to learn and grow with his situation.
It's hard when others don't understand. Even innocently.
Praying for you. Have a great weekend!

Amy@My Front Porch said...

I probably would have cried too. You're doing a great job Wendi!

BaronessBlack said...

Firstly, as everyone says, give yourself a break and cut yourself some slack - you're doing a great job!

I had a friend who has a Down's Syndrome son who found some of the children's DVD's on potty training quite helpful. I remember one he loved which was Bear in the Big Blue House. I don't know if those might be worth a try? I mean, if they're going to be watching TV anyway......

Anyway, sending cyber-hugs!

The Sneaky Mommy said...

I wish I were the lady on the phone...I be crying right with you and tucking in a special treat in the next shipment for you and K!
Praying God will work in little K's mind and give him understanding of this skill--also praying that God would encourage your heart and give you strength. I think you're a wonderful mommy!

une autre mère said...

Wendi, I'm so sorry that you have to face this struggle. God assigned you the important job of being K's mom and you are doing a fantastic job!

Stacey said...

You are so brave and strong and he is awesome!!!

Keep up all you do and all you love!!

Anonymous said...

I just found this blog in a round-about way, but wanted to comment on this entry.

I had issues with my son (as old as the third grade) soiling his underwear. We thought it was a "training" issue or laziness, but after we finally took him to a GI specialist we discovered that the problem was physical and psychological.

As a baby and toddler, he would frequently get constipated. It didn't matter how much veggies and fruit and whole grains he ate, he was still constipated. As a result, his bowel movements were hard and painful. So, he would not "let them out." He was scared to death to have a bowel movement and so what happened is it would build up and leak out into his underpants.

We went through a program that first "cleaned him out"--mega laxative-like stuff. We stayed home for three days. Then went on a maintenance program. He gets one "chocolate" (Ex-lax) in the morning and as much fiber and water as I can stuff into him. He also went through some biofeedback (although it's viciously expensive and hard to find--luckily we are in the area of Stanford University.)

He is now doing well, although I have to stay ontop of it everyday.

A long message, but, just to let you know that it's nothing to be ashamed of--shame kept me from going to the doctor for years. Take him to the best GI specialist you can find and see if there is a physical underlying cause.

Good luck!

Kristy said...

I feel like anything I say is going to sound silly to you because you already know it or because somebody before me commented and made it sound so much better. But I'm just gonna say it anyway...

You are a fantastic mom and you have FOUR BOYS!! I mean really, that is a lot of boys. I only have two and WHOA! I get overwhelmed. And, one of your has some specific and special needs which makes ordinary days extraordinary. You know what, it is OK, really VERY OK to get upset now and again. It is OK to cry on the phone to someone who doesn't GET IT. It is OK to feel frustration. It is OK because YOU won't stay in that place of feeling that way.

You know WHO to lean on. You know WHO provides you with strength to get through THOSE days. And you will call on HIM.

I love you friend, you are such an example to me.

Sarah M. said...

SOOOO there right now! Only mine is in relation to home schooling!

Lucas and Ang said...

Remember who you belong to and don't let the "ultimate liar" convince you otherwise. We are all at our own pace to learn the lessons that God has for us. And with your patience and love for K you are painting a picture of God's love and patience with us. We continue to "soil" ourselves daily and he never gives up on us. We are slow learners about so many things for so many different reasons. But HE is kind and gentle and HE cleans us up...over and over again. It might feel messy to you and sad and discouraging at times, but to me it is a beautiful example of Christ's love for us. You probably don't realize it, but you are setting a beautiful example to your children, your husband, and us. THIS is the GOSPEL! Thank you for your honesty.