Wednesday, December 16, 2009

 Just don't call me strong...

You can say that I have alot on my plate. That God has given me much. That I have learned alot since I became a mommy. But don't say that I am strong. The scenario has played out a time or two for me~ Some one hears of our twins early birth. About J.D.s death when he was 10 days old. K's tumultuous first months of life. K's significant brain damage. Brain surgery. Seven subsequent surgeries. And they say, "Wow, I could never do that! Better you than me! I'm not strong enough to go through that stuff." Yes, it's been a ride. But it's not because I am strong. No, I did not order all of this. Do not misunderstand; I wouldn't trade my life for all of the "normalcy" this world has to offer. But I never said, "Hmm, I am feeling especially strong today. I think I could handle just being able to bring one of our twins home. So, lets try that - and how about we add a medically fragile child. Oh - what the hey - lets make him really unpredictable, out of the box, atypical, and difficult for even the most educated of doctors to figure out. I feel strong enough to be able to make really hard choices and tough calls. Yep, I can totally do this. I am a power house of wisdom and solid as a rock." Nooooo. You see, when life takes curves you never expected sometimes you don't have a choice. Sometimes it is any thing but your own strength that gets you through. It's just survival. Like a "put one foot in front of the other, make moment by moment decisions" -survival I wish I could say that I did choose it all. That I knew I had the strength to do all of this and with a huge grin and greatly compassionate heart I welcomed it all with open arms. But that wouldn't be true. Some days are harder than others. Tuesday afternoon after getting K off from the bus I immediately noticed some familiar symptoms from him. - And my stomach got kind of tied up in knots. He was trembling, his eyes were moving back and forth much too quickly, he looked really tired. Too tired. I was planning on going to my Center for Women Christmas party - we had a babysitter lined up and everything. Dave called the neurologist. I canceled our plans for the evening. And we watched him. He perked up after a while and we decided he didn't need to go to the ER. This time. But I couldn't help but think about next time... What should we do? Why is it still happening? What exactly is happening? Is it serious? No big deal? Sometimes I just don't feel strong enough... Next time happened to be yesterday. Yesterday his school called and said he was presenting seizure type symptoms. Dave picked him up and brought him home and he vomited and we weren't sure what to do and we called the neurologist again and we made plans for further testing. Last week I sat in the neurologists office and asked questions - really hoping for some more answers. Our neurologist is phenomenal! We really love him. But he looked me in the eye and had to say "I don't know" (one of the reasons he is so great - he honestly tells us when he does not know). "I don't know why he exhibits seizure 'symptoms' over several hours instead of one seizure. I don't know why he went almost seven years with no issues only to have these things show up now. I don't know why he only smiles with half of his face sometimes and other times everything seems fine. I don't know why he goes in and out of these episodes so quickly. I don't know. He is, as he has always been, very atypical. Not textbook at all." One thing he could tell us is that in K's case it does seem like over stimulation and over tiredness can possibly be bringing these episodes on. Today I am not feeling particularly strong. I had to decide whether or not to let him go to awana last night when he really wanted to go. And whether or not he should go to school today - which is his Christmas party. What I should do about Jay's preschool this morning - his Christmas party as well. Noe has been running a fever and coughing horribly... Ughhhh... No, strong is the last word I would use to describe myself right now. You know that song - "His strength is perfect when my strength is gone"? I can relate to every word. Really glad He is strong. Because I am not. And it might make me feel good for a second when people assume I am. But only for a second. Because I know it isn't true. So you can call me loving. You can call me flexible (learning this one). Here's one - how about emotional?! But don't call me strong.


Lindsay said...

The song you have playing is appropriate!

On our knees.

Calling out to Him.

We're all in need ... even when we appear "strong"

He's holding your heart Wendi.

He is near.

He is your strength ... and He is who others see when they see you!

I know He's turned to you right now ... and I'm on my knees in prayer for you this morning during my extra 2 hours due to weather.

Sending you love from Oregon!

Andrea said...

Beautiful honesty - thanks for sharing :)

Noah and Ryders Mommy said...

He has everything we need and is everything we're not.

What would we do without him.

Praying for you Wendi and your boys!

Amber DeYoung said...

Wow, just wow. I can sympathize with your post, I too have been called strong but haven't felt it.

I lost my first husband after a 3.5 year fight with cancer at the age of 24 and my 2 year old godson is dealing with his own nuralogical unknowns right now.

I found you through another friends blog and am so happy I did.


Amy@My Front Porch said...

Once again, thanks for your honesty Wendi. I love that I can see GOD'S strength in you -- you never hesitate to give the glory to Him.

Praying for you!

Rachel @ Unexpected Blessings said...

We have an amazing God. Love you. Praying

Katarina said...

I don't even know what to say, but needed to *say* something.
You are strong in faith, because He has blessed you with that.
It amazes me that you continue to lean on Him and gain your strength from Him, because His strength is perfect in weakness.
Even though I have never met you in real life, know that I am praying for you and I care deeply about you.
Praying that you will continue to gain your strength from God, He is awesome and powerful.
Love you.

Vicky said... said it very well.

nault's nook said...

Sigh...I know all too well what you mean. I will definitely be praying!!!!