Thursday, November 19, 2009

 The yucky ones

Some days I feel so blessed so full so amazed so joyful Life feels just right. And then... Well, then there are the days that are just plain - yucky. You know the ones... yucky really is the only {G-rated} word that you can use to describe them. And boy oh boy have I had a few of those lately. Those days when you find out that financial changes are coming and you may have to be very creative to make ends meet... When you suspect that this may cause many changes and you may just have to give up some things that will be very hard to give up. {And change is not something you love.} When schedules and priorities have to be rearranged. When you find out there is so very little that you can eat that does not cause your sweet little baby to spit up and choke - and spit up, and then do it some more - every two hours - at every feeding. This becomes especially exhausting at night when you must stay alert after feedings to make sure that your sweet little baby is not choking - but is indeed breathing. And that becomes really hard. Like, really, really hard. When you are hungry, but knowing that what you put into your body so affects another precious little body, you just stand at the fridge wondering... And decisions have to be made - like do you need to stop nursing and get the specialized {expensive} formula for babies with really sensitive tummys and possible allergies... And for some reason it just makes you terribly emotional. When you notice that communication is just not happening well between you and your husband. And little things begin to crumble because of it. And it doesn't feel good. {At all.} When you are too exhausted to fix things. When you know you need to talk. And you are way backed up on things that need to be talked about, but this season in life is just full of tired and so full of little ones needing so much. And when the little ones are all tucked in for the night and all is finally taken care of, well - one {or two} of you is asleep. When you try to prevent your child's seizures by a combination of medications which end up making him sleepy. Sleepy is not good when you are finally preparing to extend his school day by 3 more hours. Too sleepy is an overdose. Not enough medication could stop preventing seizures... A rock and a hard place. When you want, so badly, to be intentional in your parenting. to nurture your children spiritually. To focus on their hearts. And you notice that lately all you have been doing is meeting their physical needs. You see they are always fed, have clean clothes, are taken to the bathroom, but beyond that you begin to feel you may be failing them. And it is hard. And you have to combat the guilt. And you have to just fall to your knees. And you must realize that tomorrow is another day. And hope that it will be less yucky. Because sometimes hoping for less yucky is such a vast improvement... But those yucky days, those are the days that your true character comes out. When God shows you the ugly stuff that needs cleaned out. And you know that you would not know what to purge if you were not shown {the yucky}. And you realize this is only a season. And some day you will look back and see it as a growing season.

33 comments:

Vonnie said...

Dearest Wendi,

I follow your blog and am a first time commenter. I too raised 4 babies,our home is empty, and I miss it terribly. I come here to read and share this season in your life. It is beautiful and you are so much more spritually mature during this season than I was. I admire you for that. That being said I want to tell you, from someone who has been there and done it, you are doing a great job. You are a good mother and wife. There are 4 short and loud people vying for your attention all hours of the day and night. This too shall pass dear Wendi. I promise you it gets better. There will be time to parent better, have a meaningful marriage, and find sometime for yourself. In the meantime, cut yourself some slack. Ask for help from those around you, those that care about you. It can all the difference in your day, your mood, your attitude. You are blessed with a willing and helpful husband. Tell him you need him, love him, and he will step up too. Take care of yourself. I hope the breast feeding decisions will bring you peace. Thank you for sharing your world. God's greatest blessings to you and yours.

Katie@The Baby Factory said...

Praying for you Wendi!! I echo your 'yucky' season on many accounts. I could probably write a very similar post. God is so FAITHFUL, isn't He?!
Thank you for your honesty.....I so appreciate it. It's nice knowing that I'm not the only one :)

This Heavenly Life said...

I so wish we could all just take away whatever yuckiness is infecting our lives -- but you are right. Without the yucky, how would we understand our true selves in light of God has in store for us?

So, hopefully we can all just stay positive and faithful during the growing seasons. You seem to be doing a wonderful job in that area :)

Anthony's Mommy said...

Anthony had the horrible reflux that gave him apnea. Our lung dr recommended us trying this stuff called Florstor. Its acidopholous. You can get it over the counter (sometimes the pharmacist has to order it) and its a powder. It is one of the things that really helped with the reflux and get him "regular". Just thought i would throw that out there. It just aids in the digestion and helps the tummy not act up so much.

Kim

Amy@My Front Porch said...

Your honesty is refreshing -- and it helps me know how to pray for you. We all have those yucky days -- but it seems like there is something about being post partum and exhausted that make everything that much more difficult. You are in my prayers Wendi!

Rachel @ Future Pastor's Wife said...

I love your honesty. Seriously, you make me tear up with just about every post. Praying for you girl!

BaronessBlack said...

Oh, honey! Just reading this reminds me of how difficult it was having a baby with colic. I remember being surprised he managed to grow at all, because he seemed to throw up everything, and more, that went into him!
Keep on keeping on! You are doing a great job!
Just an aside, is there a time of day when nursing is better or worse for both of you? Maybe if you keep with the good nursing times, but get some formula for the times that are not good for either of you?
Remember, even when changes have to be made, they can be small manageable changes.
Thinking of you often!

Leslie said...

Oh wendi.
reading this I nod my head and think... yes yes yes yes.. I get it.

I love how honest you are.
I hate that your hungry
and feeling distant
gosh those newborns have a way of doing that too marriages...
and marriage itself has a way of riding those waves... close.. distant.. close distant... and I think thats part of stress.

And meds with seizures
colicky babies
no sleep
financial turmoil

honey thats stress.
loving you, praying for you...
wishing I could show up with...
well who knows what you can eat... but it would be the perfect.. sleep all night mixture for Malachi and the perfect full belly for you..
and sweep the others away to the park... and let you sleep sleep sleep...

I would I really would.

Katarina said...

praying for you my sweet blog friend.
loving your honesty, even when it brings tears to my eyes knowing I can't *do* anything to help.
God will carry you Wendi, He already is, whether you can sense that on the yucky days or not.
This is a season, a seaons of growth and change and even more dependance on GOd, and those are all good things, even when they seem to overwhelm us.
Just remember that you are not alone.
*hugs*

Amanda said...

wendi...loving you...praying for you. completely understanding. thankful you KNOW and have God to fall upon...to rely upon...to find mercy in.

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