Everything he is to us

Dear Jay, Four years ago today you came into our life at full force. You let the world know you were HERE and you were going to be noticed.

So much has changed, so much has stayed the same. Your will is made of steel. You live life out loud. You are not afraid to speak up. Being mommy to little boys is a blast. It is a high energy job, but wow is it fun! You, my love, are ALL boy. I love how getting dirty inspires you. I love how any thing you can hold in your hand instantly becomes an airplane. I love how you want to know how everything is made. "Mom, how do they make crayons?" followed by "Mom how do they make windows?" was easy peasy. When you began asking about computer hard drives and babies I stumbled a bit.

Oh, and your dance moves - to die for. I could learn a thing or two from you. No inhibitions with you Jay. None at all!

It is just amazing to see your desire to learn. You won't take lazy answers or brush offs. You want to know. And I want to feed that. I want to do better at exploring things out with you, so that you will always hold on to that desire to learn any thing and every thing that you want to. Your excitement adds so much excitement to my life. I love it when you are looking forward to something. It adds an air of exhilarated anticipation to the entire house. Your daddy and I often comment on how fun you are. Planning trips to the zoo, bike rides, fair visits, sledding fun, swimming, or even just going out to eat has all taken on new and accentuated enjoyment with you around. You have turned us back into giddy little kids hardly being able to wait until the fun of each new adventure Your giggle makes my heart do that little butterfly flippy thingy. I love it! Especially when it is preceded by that "look". I'm told it is genetic. It's an "I'm not going to smile, you can't make me" wavering frown. The way you love your daddy warms my heart all the way to my toes. He is your hero. When he asks you to accompany him outside to "do some guy work" your world is just right. "Mom, we have a big important job to do, I'll see ya later!" You know how to push my buttons. I am just beginning to learn to be more steadfast and consistent in not letting you get away with it. So much of our struggles have to do with me just learning on you buddy. I've never had a child like you - so you are going to have to be patient with me okay? I look at you and I contemplate the position that you are in, which could cause some of your stubborn out bursts. You are in the middle. You are trying to hold your own between K, who needs alot more attention that most, and Noe, the compliant baby. I want to be more aware of what you feel and what you need. I know that you have been in your brothers shadows at times. My little boy, breaking out of dependence and into this new world of trying, feeling, doing, reaching. In some ways you seem older than 4 already. Just this week I have observed a new grown manner about you. And Jay, I am so proud of you. In front of my eyes I am seeing you trying. It is hard for you to obey. It is hard when you don't get what you want. You act out in those situations and get negative attention. That escalates it all the more. I used to get so frustrated when you would just throw fits and scream. I am watching this maturation process that I am privileged to be a part of. You are learning. You are holding back, even when it takes all you have. Your daddy and I are often amazed at all you can do. Your brother K is such a special light in our lives. Exepriencing him at your age was so different, and you are showing us things we have never seen. I am eager to see all that God has for you! I am encouraged to think that the very same strong will that makes me want to pull out my hair (then I would look like daddy, huh?) is a will that will serve you well in times that you will need to be committed and dedicated to choices you have made. Not a day goes by that we don't go toe to toe on something. You are testing. You are smart. You are figuring out your limits. You are trying your mommy. Not a day goes by that my heart does not over flow with love for YOU. Something about our relationship is special beyond words. Because when you settle and smile and say "I love you" I truly get choked up. It's not something you often do. They aren't words you just throw around. When your brothers say those words I always feel immeasurable joy. But with you, it is something I take and put in a special part of my heart, to think about and draw strength from when we have a particularly difficult day. I love you so much. You may never know how much you have helped me to grow. I needed you buddy. God knew you were exactly what I needed those four years ago. Happy birthday! I'm just holding on for dear life to see what this next year brings, my son. :)

PS- Happy Birthday Rachel! Thanks for being such a wonderful friend. This day is special for so many reasons!