Friday, August 8, 2008

 The Most important Love Story continued; My Worth

Something that has greatly impacted the way that I view what God did for me has been a court room analogy. I've heard different versions of this thought and each one has had an effect on me. Here's my version:
Imagine a woman sitting in a court room. She knows that she has committed a terrible crime and she can see that very fact is beginning to dawn on every one else in the room as well. She hangs her head, unable to look any one in the eye. The sound of the gavel striking wood causes her to jump and then cringe. With an authoritative voice the judge announces the verdict, "GUILTY". She knows that her sentence will be death. The walls in the room begin to close in around her. A sob gets stuck in her throat and she struggles to breathe. The worst thing about it is her utter inability to defend herself. She can't. She is guilty.
And then he walks in.
Nobody has seen him here before, yet he looks vaguely familiar to all. She resists eye contact as he comes closer. Panic clutches at her heart. Yet something instinctive draws her eyes to his. What she sees there stuns her instantly. A peace flows to her rigid body. "How can he look at me like that when we all know I did this?!" She thinks.
"Let this woman go free. I will take the death penalty for her." He quietly says to the judge. "I will die so that she doesn't have to."
He then walks over to the woman and smiles a gentle forgiving smile. "I love you. Go, be free. Do not go back to your old ways. I'm going to help you with that" He unlocks the chains that hold her in place. "Never put these on again." He quietly admonishes. "Always remember you are a free woman."
Seriously, who would ever do that??!! But he did. And I am that woman. John 3 :16 says that God loved us all so much - those he lovingly created (even the ones who rejected him)- that he sent his only son to die so that we don't have to. So that we can live forever with him.
What if that woman in the courtroom would've just said "Thanks, bye" and left. Or what if she would have insisted that those chains continue to bind her?
I began to see my immense worth as I realized the extent of what God did for me. It was a piece in a puzzle that is yet incomplete. The puzzle began to be assembled through out my childhood. My parents imparted some very important things to me. Unfortunately One of the most important relationships in my life began to derail my self esteem due to a language barrier. That relationship was with my dad. He is a loving and hard working man, but I failed to recognize the love he expressed, because I did not see it as such. Now that I am older and have the thinking and reasoning skills which I do I can look back and see it loud and clear. He loves by doing. And he did so much. But my feminine heart heard love by words. And he did not say so much. Words have an incredible impact on me to this day.
Through no complete fault of mine and no complete fault of my dad Satan saw this as an opportunity and preyed upon it. And so, in the absence of positive words by someone whom I longed to hear them, my mind began to fill in with negative.
"You are unattractive. You will never make any one proud. You don't excel at any thing. You don't know how to do that. You can't do that. You will always be below average. You will never amount to any thing."
And this is where I took the bait, fell to temptation, and made the mistake. I not only heard the words, believed the words, internalized the words, but I let the words define me.
This is another one of those struggles which I fight on a regular basis, but there are more pieces to the puzzle. Aren't you glad?
Enter puzzle piece David into the picture. :) Some times when you look at this piece, if you look at it a certain way you have to look twice, because you may see a reflection of Christ. NO, Dave is not God!! :) Not even close. :) He is a man. He is human. He has many imperfections. I am so glad I am not married to a perfect person. He never would've chosen me if he was, and certainly wouldn't have stayed with me! :) But he does reflect Christ. And he shows me the love of Christ on a daily basis.
How do you do that? When you look at me that way I can't help but look behind me to see what would cause your eyes to shine so. Perhaps there is a large plate of Krispy Kremes behind me and out of my sight? But no, your eyes are shining for me. I can't imagine how I have been so blessed to have you look upon me with those adoring eyes. Do you have any idea what you have done for me?
You've seen the ugly. Not just early-morning-and grubby-non-prettiness, but heart ugly. You've seen jealousy. You've seen anger. You've seen selfishness. You've seen pride. You've seen me at my all time worst. You've seen those days when I am desperately holding to a thread of faith, which seems to be unraveling by the second. How is it that you love me through that?
You have loved me in the day to day normals. You have loved me in the moments where we didn't know if we could contain the joy. You have loved me through the tense moments where we have stared at each other through questioning eyes.
The anger, the pain, the questions - and then I look up and see 'the look'. Love in your eyes. A love that seems foreign to me. A love that I feel like I don't deserve. A love that nudges me forward to be a better person. A love that changes me. Before I was loved by you -with this kind of love- I often questioned the love of God. If he sees the ugly how can he love me? And then I saw it exhibited for me in a tangible way. You showed me. Now I know that it can be done.
The joy you bring to my life is immeasurable. I want so much to love you this way too. You give me a desire to pour out this kind of love on others as well. God has used you to bring the level of love in my life to a higher degree. I learn so much from you. God has used you in so many lives. Today I am writing about the ways he has used you in mine. You take my breath away.
Can you see what God is doing? Dave is a part of his plan. He is loving me through him.
And I'm still not done... Yes, there will be more. :)


Sarah M. said...

It is amazing to me to see the ways God uses EACH of His unique children to carry unique messages to the world, and to His others precious ones!

chelle said...

Wendi, these post are so beautiful...and my heart echos yours in then...I am so grateful and undeserving of this love of Loves, and then on top of that to experience the blessing of my own David, mirroring Jesus like he does.

chelle said...

Wendi, these post are so beautiful...and my heart echos yours in then...I am so grateful and undeserving of this love of Loves, and then on top of that to experience the blessing of my own David, mirroring Jesus like he does.

MoziEsmé said...

What a man . . . And what a God!

Becoming Me said...

Wendi...this is an amazingly beautiful series and I feel like we are kindred spirits

Kathryn said...

How beautiful! I have tears in my eyes. Thank you for sharing ...

(Found your site through Lena's ...)

Setala Family said...

You have such a way with words, so thankful you are willing to share. praying for you as you continue to strive to grow closer to Him

dani said...

wendi, isn't it awesome when the SPIRIT opens our eyes to the truth!!! we realize that the the bad and the ugly HAD to happen to us so that we would come to HIM.
in a way that words cannot express, it turns the bad and wrong to good and right!!! as in... "it HAD to happen the way it did, or i would have never seeked HIM to fill the emptiness that ONLY HE can..."
i knew unconditional love and lost it to death 2 years before i was saved by GOD... it takes knowing it (like with your dave) to recognize and embrace it from GOD.
your story continues to be beautiful and glorious!!!

Amanda said...

oh how i relate to your last few paragraphs...the awe of knowing the dave loves you...of the way he looks at you with shining eyes full of love...even though he has seen it all...the ugly, the imperfect...and the reality thta this is a reflections of christ. i was having one of those ugly moments the other night...and then was struggling through the recovery from the moment...feeling SOOOO ugly and wondering how in the world my husband could still wrap his arms around me and comfort me...still love me or look at me as lovely. this post connected the dots to the bigger picture for me...that is what jesus does...that is how jesus sees me. He knows the ugly...and yet He loves me anyway!