update

Can relief and sadness really mingle? Right now for me they seem to be sharing space in my emotions. Today was my ultra sound and with it came clarification. As was originally suspected, life has ceased for our baby. Although there were very difficult elements about this afternoon, our prayer was for confirmation. It was answered. The past two weeks spent wondering have taken such a toll. I am scheduled for outpatient surgery (D&C) Monday afternoon at 3:30. Thanks for holding us up at this time. My body is so tired. Hy heart does ache. I can not think much beyond this moment. But there is joy. I'm not just saying that. I know I'm going to be okay. I know that this whole experience was not in vain. It will be worth something in my life. As with every experience I have had which has taken much patience and endurance to get through, I have been changed through it. A tough change. A good change. Baby B, We are affectionately referring to you by a name that makes us laugh. It has to do with your very beginning and it’s an amusing little story which will not be told. I loved you from the minute I knew about you. Some may think it strange that so many dreams were already playing in the theater of our minds for you. That you were so real to us already. But you were and are. You are now a piece of our family tapestry. You are a special piece. An important piece. I know so little about the unseen. Heaven. I know that when I am in the presence of Jesus every thing else will fade in comparison and nothing will matter except Him. I do like to think that you are with your brother though… I like to imagine our J.D. and baby B sitting on Jesus’ lap together. I love that I have had the privilege of adoring 5 babies, growing inside of me, from the time I knew they existed. I grieve that I will not be able to tangibly experience 2 of those children. Your life was so very short, yet it was special for all of us. I’m glad for your life. I’m glad for the things you are teaching me. Would you have had the deep blue eyes of your daddy and two of your brothers, or the hazel eyes that mommy, K and J.D. were given? We don’t even know if you were a boy or a girl. These are some of the things that are causing my mommy heart to feel heavy right now I longed to touch your soft skin, see your sweet face. I will not be given that gift, but do you know what? You have helped me to love your brothers even more. They are so special. I appreciate the gift of their lives with a heightened awareness. Thank you for that, little one. When I see you in heaven I think I will know you. I will hold you tight and sing to you. All of the special songs that I have sang to each of my babies time and again. The songs that I will miss singing to you while here on earth. As time moves on thoughts of you will probably be occasional and the ache of our loss will fade a bit. Every now and then we will think of you and we may shed a few more tears at the thought of not having you in our arms. Until then, sweet little one, you will forever be a part of this family. We will never forget. ~Mommy